Update.. It's been awhile.

I had two of the most wonderful parents anyone could ask for.  My father passed on in 1986.  My mother was independent until 17 days after my husband died suddenly.  She had a brainstem stroke.  I was in the process of moving to Florida when all of this happened.  When I got down here I was trying to move in and be with her at the rehab as much as possible.  I knew I would take care of Mom if she ever got sick so, as soon as she could be released from rehab, I had her move in with me.

Debbie, it lasted one week!  Mom couldn't walk so I had to get her to the bathroom, bathe her, dress her, etc. plus try to unpack cook, clean, etc.  She wanted to talk to me all of the time and her speech was slurred and I am legally deaf so I would have to stop what I was doing and get up in her face to attempt to read her lips to understand what she was saying.  All of this was so exhausting for me.  She happened to have another small stroke after the first week and while she was in the hospital I had to tell her that I didn't have the physical ability to take care of her...and I didn't!  I was in so much pain.    

God bless her, she was so understanding and I found a wonderful assisted living facility for her and eventually a nursing home once she needed that.  I would visit her for hours several times a week and she knew how much I loved her.  I was still honoring her, even though I wasn't physically taking care of her.  I loved her and looked out for her best interest.  That's honoring your parents. 

Your main responsibility is to your husband.  He has to come before your mother.  The stress your Mom is causing you and your husband isn't good for either of you and can make both of you sicker.  You would not be dishonoring her by finding a good place for her to live.  What about your four brothers?  Can't one of them take care of your mother? 

You, after all, have to take care of your husband.  The Bible says we are to leave our parents and cleave to our spouses so he is your number one priority.  We also promise to be with our spouses in sickness and in health.  Also, it sounds like you have taken care of your Mom a lot in the past, too.  You have been and still are being a wonderful daughter...to someone who hasn't been lovable.  That's hard to do but your sweet spirit helps you in this area. 

You have nothing to feel guilty about if you move your Mom to assisted living.  Yes, you said  you wouldn't do that but things have changed in your life...things you never expected...fibro and cancer!  I never expected to have my Mom in assisted living or a nursing home, but it happened anyway.  Life throws us unexpected curves and we deal with things the best we can. 

You can only do so much, Debbie.  Please don't be a martyr.  This can make you very sick and you need to be there to help your husband.  You wouldn't be dishonoring your Mom by placing her in a good, clean facility or at one of your brother's homes.  From what you have said, she will most likely try to make you feel guilty but you have nothing to feel guilty about.  You've been there for her over the years and now, with your husband sick,  this is just too much for one person to handle...especially since you have fibro.  Just taking care of yourself is difficult, let alone your husband and your mother!

You should talk to  your husband about this and then talk to your brothers about this.  If you decide that you can't handle this and no one can take her on, then you and your brothers need to find a good place for her.  They need to be included in this too!  All of you are still honoring her.  You are seeing that she is well taken care of.  God will bless you for it.

Sherrine 

Sherrine,  I am happy to hear you had loving parents, and how wonderful that your Mom was understanding when you told her you could not care for her.  I would love to have the same kind of response from Mom.  We know this scenario is coming soon, the one where we have to tell her. Why it feels like a 1,000 pound weight on my shoulders, I'm not sure. But the pressure feels enormous.

It really helps hearing from you, and what you experienced, and also helps more than I can say to hear from people who understand. I can't thank you enough.  Maggie, You brought up a valid point about my brothers. You would think with 4 brothers I would have some help. The sad truth is 2 of them have serious addiction problems, one since being a teenager, the other began in midlife after a very successful carreer in car sales management. My oldest brother is Bipolar, and sometimes goes on terrible manic highs which makes these 3 totally unreliable. The only brother I am close to, is 2 years older than me, he was molested as a child from our stepdad, it messed him up, and he wanted Mom to live with him, he really did, but he was in therapy, still is, and his Psychiatrist strongly urged him to not try to live with Mom.  This is only the tip of the iceberg concerning him. Seriously though, I have seen for myself, he can only handle her in small doses. He visits her, and once in awhile, a great while, she has went out and spent the night with him, he can hardly handle it. He is very sopportive of Jim and I, and he told us he is very concerned about us, and thinks Mom should be in a facility.

Maggie I cared for Mom for a total of 6 months right after she broke her leg, a month here, and we took her to MD to live with us. They had her so messed up on drugs she should not have been on, it was a nightmare.. she had paranoid thoughts, and actually thought we were somehow taking her money, when the truth was we were going into debt trying to care for her... so she decided to come here and live with her sister. it lasted about 1 1/2 years, then she began talking about how miserable she was there.. her sister was pretty domineering, so me being the dutiful daughter, talked to Jim, and we came here and got this 3 bdrm house with her. I'm trying to condense this, I really am.

She has COPD, diabetes, heart disease, (and a few other things like severe sleep apnea.. just found this out recently.)  She can walk now, though her leg is very crooked since she rebroke it, and refused to let the doctor do another surgery. She would not listen to any of us, so now has to use a cane and walker. She gets out of breath just from the slightest tiny bit of activity.

So this is where we are at right now.  What you both wrote me means so much... I take encouragement hearing from you, and you have given me a little more strength and resolve to find the best solution for all of us.   We know we can't keep the status quo for too much longer.

Thanks for the prayers too, which I know will help more than anything.  I will let you know how this progresses.

Sherrine, I pray you are blessed for all the work you do here on this site. With all you deal with I am amazed how you keep this up, but know you are so appreciated. I know it is rewarding for you, and just think, one day you will recieve a heavenly reward too!

Debbie   

The weight on your shoulders is natural.  I cried and cried over this decision.  Just spitting the words out was so difficult.  I know your Mom wasn't very "motherly" but she still is your Mom and that's why you have these feelings.  But this would be the very best for her as well as you.  As she ages, more health problems will arise that you won't be able to handle but yet she would get the best care in a facility.  You can still be there for her but you don't have her 24/7.  That's difficult, especially since you have your husband to care for, also. 

When my Mother needed the assisted living, the place I just described wasn't built yet.  She couldn't have handled it anyway because she needed help getting around.  But she had a lovely room with aides that came and helped her get where she needed to go and the living area was nice and everyone congregated there.  They even had a bridge luncheon there!  She made friends and did activities with them...cards, games, etc.  Your Mom probably would like something like this, too.  Several times a month I would take Mom out to lunch and she liked that too.

I'm sure your brothers will agree with you too.  They can't handle her either and now your plate is REALLY full.  I only had one sibling...a brother...and he was addicted to alcohol and prescription drugs so he was no help at all when I had to make all these decisions about Mom.  But these places will walk  you through it.  I didn't know what I was doing but they have personnel there to help you so it really isn't hard at all.  I think the worst part for me was labeling all of Mom's clothing!  She loved clothes and had way too much. 

Please let us know what you do.  As I said above, there really is no reason to wait.  You know you can't handle this.  You know your brothers can't handle her either.  But people trained to help seniors do know how to handle her...and with a lot of love.  Just do your homework on whatever place you choose.  By the way, I never let them know when I was coming to see Mom.  I would just pop in and this is an excellent way to know that she is in a good place and being well taken care of.  There should be no odor, either.  Mom's place was just lovely. 

By the way, thank you for the lovely compliment.  It meant a lot to me! 

Sherrine

You have some good insight about having a family talk first. I have thought of this, and Jim and I have talked about it.  Only thing is my 2 youngest brothers, the ones who have addictions are so unpredictable and are apt to offer to take care of her, but that would be putting her at risk. They are bad, leaches of the worse kind, unfortunatly.  Maybe we can at least let her 2 sisters know, and my oldest brother.. then again, believe it or not he has begun, yet again, another manic high.  When he is on one he can be impossible to deal with... Oy Vey!!!

Thanks so much for the encouragement and suggestions. We are praying for this to end in a good way, but I know it is unlikely.  I will just be so glad when it is settled!  I will let you all know how things are going, and what happens as soon as I can.  Please  pray for God to give us guidance, wisdom, and courage.

Thanks again Maggie.   

I know you are right, and we need to do this. We did speak to my brother, the one I mentioned whom I have a healthy relationship with. He completely agress that we have taken on way more than we can handle.  I am even considering having him here when we discauss this with her.  So we have made the decision, and I know thats half the battle.  We just need to do the hard part and tell her. And I am trying to prepare myself emotionally, (plus doing alot of praying)

She is a very stubborn person, and she will most likely want to do anything she can to not go to a facility, there is a real paranoia there;  she may even choose to go to one of her sons who will not care for her well at all before she will give in.  If thats the case, I know I will have to let go, and just do what I can to for her without letting it kill me or Jim.

Sherrine all that you wrote has helped more than I can say. I am grateful because your words, and Maggies, have given me strength and more resolve.   God is so good, I am grateful to him too, He allowed us to live in this age of high technology, hence we can have access to wonderful support groups like this Fibro one.  The help and encouragement from others going through similar experiences is priceless!   I need my life to get back to normal. I use to walk nearly every day, and loved doing things online, including having some interaction with you all here. Those normal everyday things plus many others have gone by the wayside.  Jim and I both long for at least some semblance normalcy to come back into our lives.

I will get back to you all here, and let you know asap.  In the meantime, all you who believe in the power of prayer, please say one for us,  and for my Mom too, I really want her to be happy, just not at the expense of my and my husbands health!

God bless,  and thank you Sherrine.      

It's a shame you uprooted yourself.  You should have brought her to you...not give up your livelihood to go to her.  But what is done is done and I'm sure things will work out for you.  If Jim can work, his experience will help him get a tuning job in your new area.  You have tried to do everything possible to help your Mom and you will be blessed for it.  No guilt, okay?  You don't deserve that.

Sherrine

Jim and I both feel a huge weight has been lifted from our shoulders.  I have made up my mind to not feel guilty too. We did do everything we could.   And I will look into extended care facilities right away Sherrine.  I know any time she may suddenly need one. 

Thanks again    

Ak Angel, Jim's a wonderful lady, too? 

Sherrine

Hi, Jim!  Well, you just don't see the female angels because they are busy cleaning up the messes the male angels make. 

Sherrine