HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

Will my husband ever get it.

Support Forums
>
Fibromyalgia
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 4/10/2012 3:44 AM (GMT 0)
I just don't know what else to do to educate my husband on my health. Today I was sharing with him that I was having a rough day with pain. His response was maybe you need to go the lower 48 to see better doctors. Is this the way you want to live like this all the time. It just made so frustrated. I was telling myself, do you think I like to live like this. I know there is nothing else they can do to help me. Yes, I might have better pain control if I took stronger meds. I just had some horrible problems with dependency being on those drugs. I sometimes feel like I am holding him back to a better life with someone else. My Dr's have told him about my health, but it's these statements just bother me. I would love him to just hold me and say I am sorry your hurting. Our love has grown apart because of this fibro and chronic pain. Does anyone go through this with their partner?
Posted 4/10/2012 4:42 AM (GMT 0)
Nope!! Honestly...I think some spouses may have more empathy, but unless you are physically walking this walk, then your hubby, your best friend, your family member will just never get it. My mom reads up on Fibro a lot, and she will say something great, then like 15 mins later she will say, you know...if you could just stop taking your patch, or if you put your mind into doing xyz, then you may not feel or forget about the pain nono confused
Posted 4/10/2012 4:46 AM (GMT 0)
I hope you don't think it to be harsh what I just said, but I really don't think I could ever fully wrap my brain around Fibro 100% if I didn't have it either. It just gets really frustrated when you spend so much time trying to explain, and people just don't get it. But on the flip side, everyone here understands and you can always rant, rave or discuss something on here, and we will get you. turn
Posted 4/10/2012 7:29 AM (GMT 0)
Hi AK,

I do agree with Hopegirl that if our minds boggle with it all then it must be soooo much more difficult for others to have any understanding of it. I was thinking that instead of educating your husband about your illness, have you tried educating him about your needs? For example, maybe you need to say to him that when you say you're in pain, that all you want from him is a hug, not advice. He might be able to respond better to this. He might feel pressure to say something when you're in pain and then when he does, he gets it wrong yet he's trying his best. I'm sure you're both frustrated with your illness and it must be difficult for both of you but I also think that you both love each other because you said that you've educated him about your health which means he's willing to listen (unlike many loved ones in my life) and if he's willing to listen and offer advice (albeit not what you want to hear), then he must care for you deeply.

Gentle hugs to you both Lou :)
Posted 4/10/2012 12:54 PM (GMT 0)
I agree with the others.  I think he's just as frustrated as you are that you are in such pain all of the time.  But, if you did come to the lower 48 and get a good doctor, how could you keep up that relationship...with the doctor?  He has to see you regularly, prescribe meds, etc.  So, you husband is just so frustrated. 

 

I never talked much about how I felt.  That could drive my husband out of the room.  BUT, he could tell when I was having a really bad day and he would step in and help me.  When he did this, we still didn't talk about illness.  Men really have a lot of difficulty dealing with illnesses...their own as well as our illnesses.  I did ask him to run the vacuum for me because I had a Kirby at the time and you need to be a weight lifter to push those things.  So, he would vacuum and he would clean up the dinner dishes.  I did everything else.  Took care of three children plus did the gardening, cooking, shopping, etc.  He never hugged me and said that he wished I felt better.  Never!  But I knew he loved me and cared by his other actions. 

 

If you expect a spouse to react the way you want them to, you will be sorely disappointed.  We are all so very different.  But, AK, I have no doubts that your husband loves you very much.  He just doesn't know what to say to you anymore.

 

Sherrine

Posted 4/10/2012 1:55 PM (GMT 0)
I also have to agree with the others. Our lives are affected by the stresses of living with fibro...that will also affect our hubbies. The relationship does go through some changes. My hubby has always been caring and supportive, but I can't say he understands what I'm going through. He does
what he can to help out. He has seen my frustration and I know he would fix me if he could. We're still a team and enjoy having fun together...we're still pretty spontaneous...some days are better than others.

He still says I'm his best friend, and I know he is mine...when he said through sickness or health...he meant it.

Angel...your hubby loves you...he just wants to help

Hugs, Robin
Posted 4/10/2012 2:31 PM (GMT 0)
It has always been said women listen and men take action which I have found to be true. I also agreed with what hopegirl said about you can have the more empathetic spouse/family but they can't relate to how you feel (and let's admit it, how do you relate to someone who complains their back hurts, then your hip hurts etc...) I found specifically asking for what I need works much better than generalized complaining, (and if I do need to complain I can always call my mom :)
Posted 4/10/2012 5:09 PM (GMT 0)
I find with my husband it helps to give him the good news as well as the bad.  The other morning, it was a weekend, I overslept and didn't take my meds on time.  On top of that I had a killer sinus headach.  He ran to the pharmacy for me to get the sinus meds.  He got me my coffee and pretty much waited on me for about an hour.  An hour 1/2 later I felt so much better. I thanked him for his TLC and told him how much better I felt.  He then asked me if I felt up to getting a shower and going shopping.  The real answer was no but I knew if I bucked up and just got a shower I could do it.  He is very supportive and seems relieved and part of my treatment when I share the good news with him too.  He even said he would wake me up to take my meds on the weekends so it doesn't happen again. 

Guys like to know they make a difference, at least mine does.  So even if it is a little difference I tell him about it. 

I hope you feel better and your hubby is more understanding. 

Posted 4/10/2012 5:21 PM (GMT 0)
My hubby often tells me he feels helpless bc he can't help me. Sometimes he says or does things that seem really unsupportive but he explains that he doesn't know how to help or know what to say and he feels like a failure. I don't know if this is the case for your hubby, but maybe. Maybe you could ask him if this is the case. I know our caregivers and/or family must be struggling like us but in different ways. I'm sorry you're hurting right now. I wish you weren't.

SignaturePink
Posted 4/10/2012 6:17 PM (GMT 0)
I understand, Angel. You think they understand, and then....

This is a hard one for me, because my father was an extremely empathetic guy, always there for my mom, emotionally speaking, and really listened and took a genuine interest in her feelings. I naively thought all men were like this, if they loved you (which I know my husband does. But as Katherine Hepburn said about Henry Fonda in "On Golden Pond,": "He's an absolute imbecile about showing it!")

I know he has his hands full, working full-time and then coming home and doing some of the house stuff (since I ruptured a disc and had my surgery - for a few weeks, it was all of it) but it's the little things that are missing - maybe helping me get dressed, putting lotion on my feet, which I can't reach, or ever (ever!) asking what he might do for me. And if I do ask, he's too busy or too tired. So I've quit. He does his set things and that's IT.

Last night, he came home and ran a rag over the piano keys and made a comment about this being my job. I said that I still have to be careful, I can't bend or twist. He said, "You don't have to bend to do this." After all these years with my Fibro, let alone months of my pre-and-post-surgery problems, I would think he'd get it! I'm doing a lot now, driving our daughter back and forth to another town, where she lives (since she had another seizure), grocery-shopping, mostly doing meals. WHO CARES if the house is dusty?? I said, "I can only do so much."

So I thought I'd level with him (a - g -a - i - n) before bed. I said, "You know, my greatest hope in the world is that this surgery will make me better than I've been in years, so I can actually DO things again....garden, paint, move objects!" He responded with some random funny remark about monkeys - (his way of dealing, but it makes me feel completely alone) - then when I looked upset, said, "I hope you do, too.." but without any conviction.

I didn't mean to turn this into my own personal rant story :/ Sorry! And I'm sorry that you feel this way, too. I wish I had some answers for all of us who do.

Debbie
Posted 4/10/2012 8:45 PM (GMT 0)
Yeah, it's tough when people love you, just don't get the illness. My in-laws are like that. They all think I'm faking it to get sympathy. My FIL would come over here and mock my walking with a cane, imitating my difficulty to get out of my chair, and moaning as though he was in pain. I called him on it, asking "are you making fun of me?" and he stopped, but the memory of that demeaning behaviour has left scars.

Thank God my husband is completely opposite to them - he is supportive, understanding and very helpful - never says an unkind word to me, though he is not the most affectionate or demonstrative guy. No one's perfect, right? But like some of you have posted here, it's obvious that he cares and loves me thru his own particular way of showing it and I've come to accept that.

AK, have you suggested that your husband read some of the posts here, as well as the Fibro 101 page?

My hubby has mentioned to his doctor that I have Fibromyalgia and his doc has told him that,
a) there is no cure,
b) it's real, not an imaginary illness,
c) Fibromyalgia sufferers need LOTS of rest balanced intermittently with gentle exercise preferrably walking, even if only 5 minutes a day; must be careful not to overdo anything,
d) get help with housework - house cleaning service if at all possible - no heavy chores allowed.
e) he never prescribes drug treatments because he has found that they don't work over any significant period of time and usually create more problems for the patient (!! this shocked me, I'll be telling my doctor what hubby's doc said tomorrow)
f) asked if I am seeing anyone therapeutically, and said "great!" when hubby told him that I'm about to get a referral to a psychologist.
g) praised my husband for "doing all the right things" regarding my Fibro, and encouraged him to continue to support me but to be careful not to stress himself in the process (!! I said WOW to that one!! what a great doc, eh?)

Maybe if your husband reads some of the posts here, it will help him to get an idea of what we Fibromytes are going thru ... also what some of the men who have posted here say about their own experiences with Fibromyalgia. Yes, it is very frustrating and difficult to understand this disease if someone has not experienced it for themselves! Hope this was helpful ...

blessings and peace
Posted 4/10/2012 9:16 PM (GMT 0)
I believe most men are problem solvers. They simply aren't used to expressing feelings or sharing feelings or talking about feelings. That is NOT to say that you can't sit down and have that talk with him and I think it's a very good idea to do so, and let him know what you are looking for, spell it out and if he's anything like my husband, you'll probably have to have that talk more than one time!!

This is year 23 since my diagnosis and honestly, it has only been very recently, I mean in the last year that my husband has really begun to make an effort to do more around the house and actually ask me "do you need me to do anything?" I'd like to say it's because he's being sensitive to the fibro, but I know better...I think it's the age thing, lol...

Miriam

✚ New Topic ✚ Reply