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Posted 5/6/2012 11:34 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Friends,

Thanks to all who replied to my earlier post pertaining to a brother and sister-in-law who don't have jobs and who have come to rely on money from my mother-in-law and husband--though my husband's donations have been small they could increase when my mother-in-law passes from this world.

As I mentioned my brother and sister-in-law drink and smoke marijuana (every day due to back pain) and don't seem to be trying very hard to get a job. They watch television all day and we don't know if they still go to the bars often like they use to. Even though my brother-in-law was a heavy drinker I have no idea how much he drinks now. But he could be a closet drinker.

My big question is my husband and I are attending an alanon meeting tomorrow night. Are any of you familiar with alanon meetings? I'd like to know if the attendees are allowed to smoke? We both could not attend if that's allowed. We would become very sick--especially due to my fibro and asthma.

My husband stated he would not participate. If we hope to have a one on one meeting with an alanon counselor in the future would my husband have to participate?

I don't know what to expect. Thanks ahead of time.

Posted 5/6/2012 11:52 AM (GMT 0)
I have never been to an alanon meeting. But go with an open mind. I doubt that there is smoking there, it is banned in most places. But I could be wrong. Though your husband says he will not participate, dont' let that get you down. He may surprise you.

I hope things work out for your brother and sister in law. Do they live with you??? Or by themselves? We aren't allowed to discuss drugs on this forum, so I wont ask you any questions about that. Are they signing up for disability? For the pain that they have?

If they are living at your house and you want them out, you will have to say something. You can't just hope that they will leave, if you do, they never will. I am not clear on this situation. Please fill me in with details. I think if they are living on their own, somewhere else, you really can't do much about their habits other than not lend them any money. But if they are living with you, then that is a different story all together.

Let me know...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/6/2012 1:43 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks so much, Karen, for your reply.

They don't live with us. They live in their own home (in not very good shape, their cars are old and in poor shape too) in the same city as we live. My husband has mentioned that if they were ever to lose the house he would make sure they didn't. He's said he wouldn't let them end up on the street.

I'm hoping an alanon meeting will give him the tools to help him to deal with all this.

Thanks again and thanks so much for your encouragement.
Posted 5/6/2012 6:43 PM (GMT 0)
I am glad that they aren't living with you. The thing that you have to do is make sure that their problem doesn't become your problem. It may even take some tough love. I am glad that you and your husband are going to the alanon meeting tonight. Let us know how it goes. I am sorry that you are going through this right now. But they are going to have to help themselves. Maybe you will learn some coping mechanisms at the meeting.

It can be very difficult trying to help somebody that isn't helping themselves. And you don't want to be an enabler. And sometimes people get angry when this happens. But like I said above, you can't let their problem become your problem. And you want to try to be objective about the situation, which is hard when you are so close to them. Stick to your guns. Do what is right for you. Know that we all care...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/6/2012 11:03 PM (GMT 0)
AA meetings are trying to go smokless...I think alanon will be smokeless because you have children of alcoholics there and they should not be exposed. You can always ask for smokeless meetings. I have heard alanon is a great org and I wish I had gone as a teen of alkies.

Good luck

Maggie
Posted 5/7/2012 11:22 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks, Karen, I'll let you know how it goes.

Maggie, that makes perfect sense. It's probably only the AA meetings that allow smoking. Thanks.

I'm so grateful. Having all of you behind me understanding makes all this a much easier process.

But this is a much bigger issue than just an irresponsible brother and wife. I'm sure my husband's mother would not allow a change at this time and his brothers would not understand tough love. My husband is concerned about loosing his brothers. This is going to take a lot of prayers.

What bothers me too is my husband's mother (who is very frail and elderly and has dementia) does not live with us and I'm sure this brother of my husband's is making things difficult for her telling her how much he needs the money. He's done this many times in the past and she seems to become more and more frail every month.

Thanks again everyone.
Posted 5/7/2012 7:32 PM (GMT 0)
Always - In Alaska the meetings are smoke free, but the people that smoke go outside. Even the AA meting are smoke free. You can go by yourself and they won't be pushy for your husband to attend. You will get so much out of this. I bet it will give you the answer on how to solve your problem with your family members.
Posted 5/8/2012 11:26 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Friends,

We attended the alanon meeting last night and it was fantastic in the sense that my husband discovered there are tools a person can learn in how to deal with an alcoholic family member. Plus my husband has now realized he's been in denial and enabling. (But he has also said that if an emergency happened like a medical situation he would pay for it.) It's so hard to know where to draw the line.

I don't think we'll be attending additional meetings even though this was strongly encouraged because I could see the four other people there really benefited because they lived with alcoholic family members. These people made me realize a few things too, that even though you live with an alcoholic who stops drinking they still have the traits of an alcoholic like being manipulative.

I am very grateful. This morning, thanks to this meeting, my husband is looking into counselors who specialize in family members who have to deal with alcoholism.

Thanks again everyone.
Posted 5/8/2012 2:34 PM (GMT 0)
I am so happy for you. Glad that you went to the meeting and it opened up your hubby's eyes...

Keep trying. Never give up. You are a good person...

Hugs, Karen
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