I called out of work today :( Need to vent.

Hi,

I just need to vent.

I have not had to call out of work if at all because of fibromyalgia up to this point.. thankfully. (maybe once or twice over a 4 years period?) But I have a new job and have been working a more normal schedule as an assistant teacher in Kindergarten. I work from 8:50 to 3:20 and its been tough.

I've had insomnia on and off since the beginning of the school year. I will get in bed anywhere from 12 to 2 and on average I go to sleep from 1 - 4. My alarm is set for 8:20 since I live across the street from the school.

Last night I was awake until 4:30 am just laying in bed.

I called out and told them I had a migraine, which wasn't exactly the truth but how can I tell them "I couldn't sleep and now I can't function". They won't understand, and I've learned that being honest at work about your health puts you at jeopardy of losing your job (which is what happened to me after a back injury working at a preschool).

I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I had to lie. I don't like lying. I like being honest. But, if I continually get no sleep, I will get a migraine which I can't afford considering the last one left me with some worsened vision issues for a while?

I don't really like the job that much and I think this is causing me more trouble sleeping.. When I'm happy and fulfilled at work, I'm more likely to sleep better... I think.

Last year my schedule was working 2:13-5:30 for an afterschool program.. and my schedule was bizarre (I slept from 5 am until 1 pm) but I slept consistently and on a routine. I usually felt rested even though I was on vampire time.

I'm just so scared I won't be able to keep working. I hate this feeling. I want to be responsible. To make matters worse, the teacher I work with is pregnant and so she is really depending on me.

I've had bouts with insomnia even before I had fibromyalgia.. In college and other times it has been an issue.. but I've been having that 'insomnia paradox" thing where I feel tired.. almost black out and then jolt back awake over and over. I know this could be attributed to anxiety too.. and what I'm eating.. and fibro.

I just hate this. I really want to be responsible! I feel like everyone will see me as being intentionally irresponsible. I feel like I did in middle school when I would stay home and lie that i was sick but mostly I was overwhelmed with anxiety and didn't know how to manage it.

I wish I had not changed my schedule and job from last year. If in ain't broke, don't fix it, right? I was healthy last year, and could function at work and played my role in society.. even had so much fun doing performances and theatre and the stuff I'm good at. Kids loved me and begged me to perform and storytell for them.

I wish I had a time machine... :/
ahhhh... okay, thanks for reading and listening.

Out sick is out sick. The details don't matter. Don't worry about it, it's close enough. What you're sick with isn't any of their business anyway.

I went through that guilt syndrome every time I ever called in sick. i taught school for 30 yrs. and always felt I was letting the kids down when I was out.
Convince yourself that you would be less good with them in your present condition and know that if don't don't take care of yourself and get some sleep, you be no good to them at all.

Guilty feelings will only interfere with resting and healing. It's a tough one, though.

Charm, I can empathize with this 100%! I actually fell asleep last "night" at 5am and had to be up by 9am. I have always been a devoted employee never call out sick. But, over the past year I am consistently late for work, which is fine because I don't really have anyone checking up on me but I feel like a terrible person for saying I'm at work when I'm really home in bed. I used to be so ambitious but now I do just enough to get through the day. I know how you feel about the guilt because I feel it too, but the others are right you have to let go of the guilt, it's just another stressor added on top of everything else.

At my work we are given about 20 day of PTO which can be used either for planned days off or for sick leave. Most of us try really hard not to "waste" it on sick leave but it is there when it is needed. My first boss told me when I was hired that he really didn't want details if we were calling in sick and my most recent boss said it wasn't legal for them to ask. So when I call I just say "I'm too sick to come into work today."

As for sleep there are a lot of things you can try besides medicines. I take amitriptyline to help me stay in the deeper stages of sleep. I started on a very low dose, just 10 mg and I'm now up to 30 mg. I also take melatonin which I understand you can't take.

The one thing that helps me the most with sleep is acupuncture. I told my acupuncturist that I had been having a hard time sleeping (I'd run out of D-Ribose and I was testing to see if it was really helping me or if I should quit taking it and I didn't realize until reading this that it might be helping my sleep too) she put some needles into the areas that help with sleep and that night...whoa! I slept like a log. I don't think I moved all night! Of course i was stiff the next day, but with such a solid night of sleep I was still able to function pretty well. For the last two weeks my sleep has been really good, she worked on the same areas again this week.

Thankfully I did address my sleep since I worked a 60 hour week and now I'm exhausted! I'm doing NOTHING this weekend except laundry!