Emotional Mess

I'm newly diagnosed with Fibro, however I have been diagnosed with clinical depression, an anxiety disorder, bi-polar disorder, and at one point, self-harming tendencies as far back as 14.

I have known my boyfriend for 10 years, him and I in that time have dated on and off for 3 1/2 years, been engaged once (we were both too young) and lived together once before. I'm 26 now. I know my mind I would like to think pretty dang well. And I know I love him.

Here's the problem; I'm emotional, I care too much about too many things, little and big, and I cry, VERY easy... and when I say very easy, I mean, it's usually once a week full out crying, and I tear up on and off throughout the week sometimes, over random thoughts that pop into my head, over things said that I misunderstand, over all sorts of things I realize aren't logical. I cry when I'm sad, when I'm over-stressed or overly-frustrated, I cry over sappy or sad parts in books (or at least tear up a bit). And I hate myself when I cry, when my thoughts start circling the drain and I feel the tears welling up, I'll yell at myself inside my head to shut-up and stop that, and tell myself I'm being irrational/illogical.

All of that doesn't get any better with Fibro, though I have found a bit of relief with finally having an actual diagnosis to work with so I can learn more about what is wrong with me and do the best I can to manage it.

Now my boyfriend has to deal with this, and I know he hates how often I cry. He doesn't like that I'm in pain and doesn't like how depressed I can get at times. He has said that the "ups" with me are fantastic and during those periods, he couldn't be happier, but it's the "downs" that are the problem.

I don't want to lose him, there have been many days that he is the reason I want to wake up. (I don't say this in a sense that I want to die, or feel suicidal, but more in the sense, he gives me a reason to look forward to waking up, something to look forward to).
I wish with all my heart that I could turn off my emotions and stop the tears that happen far to often. I wish I could be more 'normal' because not being able to hold back my emotions when it concerns something or someone I care about is very difficult.

I'm on medication for the bi-polar (Lamictal 250mlg), for the depression (Cymbalta 60mlg), For my lack of sleep (Remeron 30mgl, which doesn't do anything to put me to sleep or keep me asleep), for my Fibro (Lyrica 75mlg, which so far has done nothing except give me more dizzy spells and electrical shocks randomly), and for my anxiety, the doctor gives me 10 Klonopin a month (I think it's either 1mlg or 10mlg or some other small dose) to take as needed.

I'm not sure exactly what I'm asking for here. I feel like he's distancing himself, and it's all because of my emotional downs and crying over things that I shouldn't be crying over.

How do I fix this? How do I fix things between him and I? How do I be more normal and less emotional? Is there a way to stop caring so much that I get emotional? How can I control the tears?

I don't see a therapist anymore, after years of therapy I've come to the realization that paying someone to listen to me doesn't benefit me anymore.

As for the change in medication, I've tried, I don't have health insurance so the only place I can go is the sliding-scale clinic where I get to see a nurse practitioner, and they don't seem to listen to what I want or how I feel at all =/

Some of this could be from medication.  BUT, I cry easily, too.  That's not a bad thing!  It sounds like you are an extremely compassionate person and that can make you cry easily.  Your boyfriend should be glad that you have feelings like this instead of being a cold, unfeeling person. 

 

If you cry watching movies, reading books, thinking of things that happened before that were sad, so what?  I do too!  I am a feeling type of person.  If you lost him because of this, it would be his loss.  You sound very special to me.

 

Sherrine 

Try positive thinking.  I know.  I know.  People don't want to hear about it but it really does help.  God wants us to be happy, enjoy life, work around our problems and it is possible. 

 

I understand about what you are describing in your childhood but you are not a child now.  Your father isn't in control now, either.  You are.  You just need to make some good choices.  It does take practice and it won't happen overnight, but thinking good things and not always bad things helps your frame of mind and also your fibro!

 

There is a good link in Fibro 101 about maintaining a positive attitude when suffereing from chronic pain.  If you do these things, it can help your depression too.  I did these when my husband died suddenly.  I went into a bad depression, asked God every night to take me because I didn't want to be here anymore, but was able to correct that thinking with positive thinking.  So you might give this a try.  Also, when you are thinking positively and counting your blessings, you will be happier...hence fewer tears! 

 

Don't let your childhood victimize you.  That's in the past.  Yoiu are now in the present.  Go for it!  Start looking forward to each new day because is could be a great one!

 

Sherrine

The people who have prescribed me all of those medications are both nurse practitioners in the same clinic, who have talked to each other about my health.

I want to go into see them and tell them I want to be taken off my lamictal, and the remeron asap. The cymbalta has helped a lot with my depression, not for my pain though.

I have suffered with the same issues. I have been put on Ativan to help me sleep. I had to make myself stop telling everyone I was sorry. I am also reading Joyce Myers book - Battlefield of the mind.
I pray this helps.
God Bless
Stay Strong

I also tend to apologize a lot =/

I try and do yoga, but some days I just have no energy or I hurt too much

Amnestria,

I agree wholeheartedly with Sherrine, there is absolutely nothing wrong with crying! It cleanses your soul when you have something you have to get out. Somehow, our culture projects the idea that crying is a sign of weakness....well, I don't buy that; it shows you're strong enough to care.

Feeling deeply is nothing to apologize for. There are things - cruelty, especially toward animals - that bring me to tears without fail. If the time comes when it doesn't affect me that way, then I'll worry.

I'm sorry you don't have access to better medical help. As SimplyUs said, maybe you can get the nurses at the clinic to take your concerns more seriously. It does sound like you're on an awful lot of meds, especially since you're so young. (I am too - on a lot of meds, I mean - and I hate it! My brain is even more fuzzy than usual. But right now it's unavoidable, unfortunately.)

It sure sounds like your boyfriend loves you and will stand by you. And why not? You're a great person!

Debbie

I'm going to have to say that I would really try to find another therapist/counselor that you REALLY like and trust.

They should be able to work with your Dr. and all the medications you are taking to maybe find a better balance. It really could be that you are on too many meds or the wrong ones that are interacting negatively and they are messing up your own natural coping mechanisms. I am all for medications when needed...it's just sometimes it is good to really make sure we need each one or if any overlap.

But also working with a therapist/counselor to be able to work through these emotions you have so that you don't have to rely on your boyfriend for this.

You also say that you hurt "too much" to do any type of yoga or even daily exercising...

Getting exercise each day for at least 30-45 minutes is crucial for not just our emotional health but physical health. Same with eating healthy and maintaining a good weight.

With Fibromyalgia...it's important to keep moving throughout the day. Your body has probably atrophied and when you try to exercise it seems to hurt more.

Working with a Dr. it is best to push through any type of Fibro pain as with this illness...there isn't anything physically wrong that we are going to harm ourselves by walking or stretching.

It's one thing to get sad once in awhile and have our own pity parties...but from what you are writing about crying so often and spiraling down...you are not in a healthy place emotionally or physically and these two things are feeding on eachother in a negative way instead of a positive way.

I fear that the Drs. just keep throwing medication at you and not wanting to help you otherwise..This is why I would start over fresh talking with your Drs. or finding new ones to say that whatever you are doing now is not working...

I wish you well...

Post Edited (Snowbunny21) : 11/16/2012 4:15:01 PM (GMT-7)