Ditto to what SmurfyShadow said. Amen to all of that.
The older I get, the more I see that there are some people--family members included--who will never change. I don't know what makes people so petty and jealous, angry, bitter, etc. I truly wish I could help them 'fix' themselves emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. We all have difficult people in our lives. It's so much harder when those people are close relatives. I've bent over backwards to be 'nice,' keep the peace, hold my tongue, etc., and I now see--years later, that it's only turned me into a doormat. I think there is a time we should try to get along, but if we've given a lot of effort and are only "rewarded" with more negative, childish behavior....well, I have to wonder why we even worry about
such people--even if they are close relatives.
A few of my siblings seem to think I'm still about
5 years old and brand new to this big ol' world. They, themselves, don't have lives, so they want to control mine, gossip about
just about
everyone, and point out all the negatives about
people. No one--Christian people (like myself) included needs that. I can send an interesting email to them, but if it doesn't fit into their narrow little 'like' agenda, I'm blown off like I sent nothing. So--I've given up on emailing. At major holidays they send around a cutesy "Happy (name of holiday) everyone!" which yes, is no big deal, but they also have very childish issues, so it comes off as something like "I said it; now everyone else HAS to respond. We're watching!" (oh--unless it's our oldest sibling. Then they bring on the excuses to cover her.) They really dislike how my hubby and myself handled one of our children who has many major negative life issues. Yet, they have no idea what it was like to live with her--we were sometimes in fear. I've had to explain it several times, but no--we are still wrong, in their view. They don't come out and say that; they just drop the broadest of hints!
When my parents died, they wanted everyone to have a big sleepover in my parents' house. Some people might be okay with that--that's fine. But we haven't lived together for 29 years! The sleepover never happened, but to me, having it seemed a little odd, especially since they have no real friends and hook into other family members like you wouldn't believe--that is their 'world.' A little like suffocating. Kind of sad and a little pathetic, but I think in some ways, they are still stuck in their early years, which were happier ones for them. I do pray for them; they need it.
Okay--I'm saying all this because, long story short(er), I now realize there are some mental health issues involved (speaking about my siblings and family. I obviously can't judge how mental health affects other families). Oldest has major, major narcissistic issues, is totally messed up spiritually and emotionally, yet can do no wrong in the eyes of my other siblings. "Mother and dad would want us to care about each other." (um. except not caring about me? How's that?) They easily turn a blind eye to all of oldest's faults. They are under her spell. When I suggested they might speak to her to very gently steer this person in a better life direction, as they are closer to her and would have some clout, oh wow, was I ever the worst person ever! And I have been on the outs ever since. Can't say one negative word about oldest's extremely negative behavior, even if she's near the proverbial "brick wall" ahead, but it's somehow okay to stomp all over me. Huh? How's that?
So, I've had to put lots of distance between and when I do talk or email, I'm very upbeat and pleasant. I don't say anything controversial. I don't give any personal or family info. I keep things very generic and safe. I'm just nice. I keep things light and use light generic humor--the kind everyone enjoys. For some reason this drives them crazy. They seem to WANT me to be miserable. They seem to hate seeing me happy. Why? Now I know. Because THEY are miserable.
It's really not about us, so in that sense, we shouldn't let it stress us. They have problems; issues. Oh yes, I know well that it does still cause us stress, but maybe what I'm saying in a very long way here is that over time, when dealing with troubled relatives, you will find that the distance you put between you and them is very good. I try hard to still be 'nice' to my relatives, but have little contact--it's just too toxic a situation. I believe the Lord wants us to try to be as pleasant as possible with everyone, so I do. If they needed help, I would be there. I pray for them and wish them the best in life. But I'm not a doormat anymore. I've 'drawn a line in the sand' and they now know they'd better not cross it. This was not easy for me to do, as I tend to be a quiet, passive person, but boy, am I ever glad I did it. I try to be positive when I DO keep contact, and I feel so much better--the stress is off, I've found. I'm at peace.
I hope this lengthy diatribe makes sense and may even help a bit. Blessings.
Post Edited (Luvzminis) : 12/1/2012 6:47:31 PM (GMT-7)