Living with someone, living with fibromyalgia

I am in the very beginning phases, of a possible relationship with a woman who has fibromyalgia. Though I will never be able to fully understand how this affects her. I would like to be able to help her cope and be able to give her the physical and emotional support she may need. I have also read that there are hurdles, to overcome in a relationship with someone who has fibromyalgia, but they do not go into any detail. These are all things, I would be willing to accept if our relationship develops further. What can any one tell me?

Post Edited (C_cubed) : 12/16/2012 1:17:24 PM (GMT-7)

Hi C_cubed, welcome to the forum!

You seem to be a very caring man...as a fibromite it is wonderful to have others validate our condition and to try to be understanding of what fibromyalgia entails.

We are all differant but most fibromites will tell you that there are times that just keeping up with daily tasks can be difficult. Pain and fatigue levels will fluctuate without warning. Just understanding this is a big step. There will be days where pain levels are high...we call that flaring... planning meals, shopping and cooking can feel overwhelming. You learn to pace yourself...there are "good" days and bad days. We live with everyday achiness of varying degrees.

I still have a very active life and am happy but work hard to pace myself, eat healthy and exercise. My hubby is very understanding and helps out when needed.

Setting daily realistic goals helps me get things done...life is easier when you have others that care and understand what you are living with. If you haven't already, please read fibro 101 on the top of the page...you will find some wonderful fibro info.

You might want to encourage your friend to join our forum...she will find great caring support here...we all understand.

Good luck to you and keep us posted...we care!

Hugs, Robin

Hi, C_cubed...

As a woman with Fibro whose hubby is not particularly curious about the things you're asking, I have to say kudos to you, for that reason alone. It's not that he doesn't believe me (though that took years) but I still have to ask for each little thing, and that is very draining. It just doesn't occur to him.

I hope your relationship works out.

Debbie

Hi C_cubed.  Welcome to the forum.  I think it is great that you came here looking for some understanding of what it is your girlfriend is going through.  Can I ask her age?  The reason I ask is that I was diagnosed young, 24 years old.  The struggles I faced having to adjust my life, cope and deal with a sense of grief were different than someone who was diagnosed older once they were married, already had their family, etc.

There are definitely hurdles in any relationship, the hurdles when Fibromyalgia are involved are just a little bigger and more frequent.  I started dating my now husband soon after I was diagnosed.  Fibro was still very new to me and I didn't know what to tell him to expect.  In the beginning I hid my bad flares from him because I didn't want him to see it.  I then let him in and let him see how bad it could get.  I had no idea that it would get even worse than that.  Together we had to work through me coming off medication and dealing with the Fibro med free, we had to deal with my changing and worsening symptoms at times and the aftermath of my Fibro going out of control after an allergic reaction.  I couldn't tell him what to expect because I didn't know myself.  The same holds true for the future.  No one knows what the future holds, but especially someone who lives with any chronic condition.  When I was pregnant with our daughter we had no idea how the pregnancy would go, how bad the delivery would be and we feared for how bad the flare would be after having the baby.  Now almost 8 months later I am failry confident to say that it is just the run of the mill stuff.  My pain is a little worse but I am needing to be more active and get much less rest than I used to.  I have to lift my daughter despite the tightness and pain.  I push myself much more than I ever had to.

So, that is why I ask at what stage in your lives you both are.  There are just more considerations that need to go into a relationship when Fibro is involved.  I know when I am in a bad mood, my husband has to ask himself if it is me or my pain that is reacting.

I think it is great that you came here looking for help.  I don't want anything I have written to discourage you.  I believe that having Fibro has made us all extremely caring, empathetic and compassionate people and I think we make pretty good partners if I may say so myself :)

Patience.

Respecting the boundaries of the condition.

Thoughtfulness of some of the chores of the household.

With my gent, he sometimes wants to go, go, go, and doesn't really understand when I say that I need to stop. He 'says' he does, and empathizes. Sometimes, on walks or other outings, I will say that's enough for me, you go on, or I need to turn back now, he will try to get me to do more. Once, on a bike ride, he kept urging me to go faster.

When I point this out to him, he 'gets' it. But, in his mind, a little farther can only be better, right?

He does well on recognizing the need for sleep and pacing otherwise.

By boundaries, I guess I mean respecting that when someone with fibro says no more, they really mean it. It's not just needing a cheerleader or a preference; it's a statement.

I am so appreciative to all of you!! I do not know if our relationship will progress any further at this point, but I truly hope it does! I think she is worth the "challenges" that lay ahead!

This has made me want to ask my partner what he thinks the challenges are…

I’ve been with my partner for over 7 years, and we’ve been living together for over 3 years… Or four years… Should probably look into that.


The main issues I can think of are:

Money.
I can’t work full time, which limits my income dramatically. I need myotherapy a lot, and I take a lot of supplements. I rely on yoga to keep my mobility. I can’t handle the supermarket so we get groceries delivered, which costs extra. Basically it all boils down to having to spend more money than most people do, just so I can handle going to work to make less money than other people do.

Housework.
We don’t split labour evenly in our house. I do what I can… but my partner does more on a day to day basis. When he’s too tired to care about it, the house work occasionally just doesn’t get done.
Nothing in this house has been ironed for over 2 years.

Social life.
I don’t really have one. Never had. Especially now I’m working 5 days a week all I’m really capable of on the weekends is a quiet day in or maybe going to a movie if I’m in a good patch. (But the movie seats hurt my back, so if we go to the movies my partners in for a night of me tossing and turning and grumbling.)
I need to plan ahead. If I know I have a big weekend, I need to take the Friday off work.

I have never been able to go clubbing. The lights give me a migraine. Pubs are too loud, and I get a headache after an hour. Going out for dinner tends to mess up my back.

It doesn’t mean we can’t go out, it just means that it’s much more difficult.



All the other issues are pretty much because of my personality. I shut him out, I get paranoid he doesn’t believe me, I get upset because I want to do more, then I get angry that I can’t do more. I feel like I’m letting him down by not getting better faster.


Hope things work out well

Hi ctc315,

Very good input and thanks for being one of those husbands who is there for his wife.

I just wanted to share something that might help your wife with her mood swings, though it could just be the Savella, I wanted to share with you what works for me.

First of all the tighter I am, the more pain I'm in, the more difficult my fibro is to deal with. So I try to stay as active as I can (thought it's severely limited) and I do my stretches daily.

The second is what I eat. I find if I eat something I shouldn't I go into a fibro flare and along with the increased symptoms comes anxiety.

Good luck to you and your wife.