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Advice how to help boyfriend with fibro

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Fibromyalgia
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Posted 7/11/2012 9:56 PM (GMT 0)
I am in a relationship with a boy who has fibromyalgia. I love him very much and wish to help him in any way possible. And I am seeking advice on different ways to help. Him being a male, won't ask for help or admit when he is hurting. When I can tell he's having a flare up I rub where it hurts for an extended amount of time and it helps make the area feel better. I know fibro makes you moody, he does get snappy. And I also have seen him depressed because of  it. I am always understanding and try my best to help. But I also know that it is a daily struggle for patients with this diagnosis. I feel almost helpless in this situation because there isn't much I can do to help or even doctors.  So my question for the people who have  fibro, what helps you? What can I do to make things easier for him and help? He is already on lyrica and muscle relaxants.
Posted 7/12/2012 12:13 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Lizzy and welcome.

You've already figured out one way to help, rubbing his back as he needs it. The best tip I can give you is pay attention to what he says about his pain.

I actually had to break up with a guy who would not stop rubbing me! He's just one of those people who needs to be touching all the time. Well, when you have fibro that can get very painful.

Even light rubbing on my back is really painful. Every fibro patient is different so pay attention to his symptoms. He will have areas that are tender, do your best to avoid them.

Yes we can be moody. Chronic pain and sleeplessness leads to crabbieness. Do NOT be a doormat, tell him if he's snapping at you and that it's not appropriate. We have a disease, in no way does that make it ok to treat others badly.

All you can really do is listen to him, avoid what hurts, help when you can. Be understanding when he can't do things. That one always frustrates me. When people can't understand that I can't do things they take for granted.
Posted 7/12/2012 12:19 AM (GMT 0)
I get snappy, but mainly during a flair up. Rubbing does help, but sometimes it feels like needles are poking me. These pain feels like a bad bruise all over. It helps to have the spot rubbed, but when it doesn't feel like needles poking, when done carefully it helps.

Research all you can about fibro so you understand better. And know no matter what we have limits, I take tramAdol for pain, savella for fibro, muscle relaxers when needed. 800 mg of magnesium, 25 mg of DHEA.

Stress can cause a flair up also :-)
Posted 7/12/2012 12:54 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you so much for the advice. When I do rub him it is only when he asks me to and where. It seems to help him with most of his pain. I am trying to draw more limits for the mood swing but be understanding at the same time because I know he hurts at times. I am a recently graduated nurse and I have had patients describe the pain, and it is heartbreaking to me. And I know it causes him to act differently and not be able to be as active in the gym as he wishes.

He's been diagnosed For around 3 years now and his doctor seems to have his medicines at the correct dosage. He referred him to a PT for his back. Have any of you tried this and did it help?

I am just being understanding and supportive. My mother has manic depression so I have an understanding of a silent disease that some people don't believe is real. I want to be my very best for him because he deserves it. Any one person who wakes up in pain and has to adapt their everyday life style around something that is chronic like this deserves the very best. And him and all of you have my complete admiration for pushing though and not letting it consume you, not giving up!
Posted 7/12/2012 2:07 AM (GMT 0)
You are keeping a good attitude about this, so I know you are going to be able to help him some. Being you can be empathetic about pain helps. Though it does seem harder when it is a family member. But I think you can help him.

Do you two ever go for walks? That is good for fibromyalgia. start slow though...

Continue to encourage his appointments. Make sure he goes. Keep an open mind and just be there I guess. I am glad you massage him. Continue to be gentle.

Has he had his vitamin D3 checked? That is often low in fibromyalgia patients. I found it helps me with my mood and energy.

Has anybody mentioned "fibro 101" to you? It is the first thread on the forum, and it is filled with a lot of important information. So when you get a chance, please feel free to check it out.

It is late, and I am going to go to bed. I hope that you have a good night. Keep posting and know that we all care about you..

Hugs, Karen
Posted 7/12/2012 2:33 AM (GMT 0)
I want to add: as many people said do research. But, also remember that everyone is different and fibro can be different for everyone though we have a lot in common.

Listen to him. If he wants to talk, talk. Sometimes that can help me a lot. It changes your life and at times, i get so frustrated. I get crabby (or so hubby says though HE never does eyes )

 

Posted 7/12/2012 3:35 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Lizzy,

Altho I'm not a guy I know a lot about having trouble asking for help and not admitting when it's hurting. Figuring out and working thru why I find it hard to is a big help to me in being able to manage living with Fibro. Have you talked with him about it? Saying something like "I notice you don't say much about the pain you're in and you don't ask for help very often, do you know why that's hard for you to do?" can get the ball rolling.

If he's able to acknowledge it is difficult for him it might be worth exploring a less threatening way he can let you know he needs something or wants to talk about something but is struggling to. A code word or a signal or something. Sometimes I'd say what I needed to over text - when my partner was in the same room as me. Used to make us laugh sometimes.

When I was still really stuck in needing to deny how bad it is, to myself and others, my best friend was doing a fair bit of reading up on Fibro and would often tell me about this and that drug or exercise or therapy. Along with having a hard time admitting how bad it was and asking for help, I was also very stuck in hopelessness having tried lots of stuff that hadn't helped, and every time she'd tell me about something she's heard or read about I felt angry. I say this because it might help to find out where your boyfriend is at re feelings of hopelessness, minimising & denying etc and try to pace how much you share from your research. Or feel free to share my experience of my friend doing it and ask him how it would be for him.

The reason my friend did a lot of researching was because she felt really really helpless. She couldn't stand seeing me suffering and not be able to do something to stop it. In the end I asked her to find someone she could talk to about it because her need to help/fix/cure me so she'd stop feeling helpless was driving me nuts! lol

Keep us posted and all the best to you both.

MegNZ
Posted 1/10/2013 6:22 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Everyone,

I know this thread is from last July but I'm in a difficult situation with my possibly ex-boyfriend.. We have been together for 2 years and for those 2 years he has struggled with pain all over his body although we didn't know what it was and because there was no diagnosis, he didn't talk about it, get snappy at the question of seeking help, etc. it really caused us to grow distant. I didn't know how to communicate with him because I could see him shutting down because of the pain he was in. Last month a doctor told him he's pretty sure he has Fibromyalgia and ever since then my boyfriend has been completely depressed, wants to be alone and feels like he won't be able to give me what I want in the end and doesn't want me to deal with the "burden" that he is and has to deal with it because it's affected our relationship a great deal. I love him so much and he has no one else as his family lives 2000 miles away. I know this is such a debilitating condition and he's only now coming to terms with the fact that this may be with him for the rest of his life...(he's still not really accepting that he has fibro, he wants to seek more opinion, but based on everything I have read - it really does seem like he does).

Anyway, he's pushing me away but I feel like it's because he's giving up on himself and he said it's not a relationship if I'm having to take care of him all of the time because he's in pain...

Anyone have advice on how I can support him, even if we are no longer together or how I can help him through this?


Thanks,
Melissa
Posted 1/10/2013 6:35 PM (GMT 0)
I believe when you get news that affects your life such as a dx of fibro, you go through a denial process and depression. I get on a crying, depressed jag sometimes where i just want to curl up and cry. I tell my husband of 30 years that i am so sorry (so much he told me the other day, he does not want to hear me use the word sorry any more). I had to quit work due to fibro and other health issues. I feel it is my fault we are financially strained, that i can not go out and have fun and do things he wants to do. There are times when he just hugs me that i want to scream in pain.

Dh is one of the good ones, and it sounds like you are too. Learning about fibro is a start. Be there for him. Show him you care. Fibro is a life changer. Most men have an even harder time with it than woman (sorry, sounds sexist) but men tend to hide pain and have a hard time expressing it. Give him time and get a second opinion if needed. Try to find a rhuematologist. May carry more weight with him.

I know when dh is hurting, he snaps just ignore it. Try to understand.

Good luck

Posted 1/10/2013 7:55 PM (GMT 0)
What helps me to deal with fibro is my supportive, loving fiance. He does most of the housework, I do the light duty type housework. He rubs my back a lot which is very good for me. And he listens, he's always there for me. If I need to have quiet time, he understands and does his best to make me comfortable.

To help myself I take a shower in the morning, a nice bath at night, I do my twice a day stretches to prevent myself from becoming tighter, I take sleep supplements otherwise I wouldn't sleep, I take short walks twice a day, and I eat healthy and take supplements. If I don't eat healthy or drink something caffienated or with sugar I feel worse pain wise and have depression and anxiety issues.

Also eating on a regular schedule helps me with a little something healthy in between.

Good luck to you.
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