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How do you deal, when you hate yourself?

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Posted 1/23/2013 1:11 AM (GMT 0)
I don't post in this forum... I don't like to talk to people about the way I feel. It's really hard for me. I was reading the forum for a while when I was first diagnosed, but I stopped because everything was (is) still so new to me that I was just getting confused.

But now... I need some advice. And I didn't really know where else to go. I have tried talking to my doctor, my psychologist, and my psychiatrist about this but every time I do, I just get brushed off.

First I should say that I have struggled with mental illnesses my whole life, including a 6 month stay in hospital 6 years ago when it all just got too much. But I learnt to work through my past, and I learnt to deal with it really well. Or so I thought.

Since my diagnosis (which was only a few months ago) I have become very depressed again. I had to quit my job, and due to the fact that I am no longer as mobile as I was, and also as a result of different medications I have put on a lot of weight.

I was just wondering, does anyone else have those days where they just absolutely hate themselves, and everything around them? These days are becoming increasingly common for me. In fact, this is pretty much every day for me now. I am so angry, and so sad that I just don't know how to deal anymore. I can't explain it but I just hate myself so, so much. I cry every single day because I just can't handle it. I try to exercise every day, but some days I struggle just to get downstairs. Every time I look in the mirror I get so angry and upset at what I see. The empty shell of who I used to be. I don't want to see anybody, or talk to anybody, and I don't want anybody to see me because I think they are just going to see what I see. An ugly, angry, frightened little girl.

I was just hoping that if anybody else feels like this sometimes, do you have any tips or advice for me? Is there something I can do to make myself feel better? Am I not trying hard enough?

Thank you...
Posted 1/23/2013 1:47 AM (GMT 0)
Awww Leda, big (((Hugs))) to you. I'm sorry you are struggling so much. I do believe that getting diagnosed with a painful chronic illness often brings on the same types of emotions/stages that you find with grief. It is a loss (loss of mobility, loss of former abilities, the feeling of a loss of self, etc.), and I think we often have to go through the stages of grief as we deal with it. I think many of us have gone through some of the same emotions you are experiencing.

The only advice I have is to be patient with yourself. Be gentle with yourself and your feelings. Try to exercise, eat healthily, get some sunshine, try relaxation/meditation/prayer, try journaling, etc. But, try not to be hard on yourself if you aren't up to any or all of those things on any particular day. Coping with a chronic illness is a marathon, not a sprint.

I would encourage you to keep talking to your doctor and psychologist about your feelings. If you don't feel like your concerns are being properly addressed, can you try another doctor/counselor? Are you taking medication for the depression/pain? Some people with fibro find them to be helpful.

Last but not least, if you feel like you are really in trouble, please call a crisis line or get in touch with your doctor. While the fibro itself may not pass, I do believe that you can find a way to accept and cope with it. It just may take a little time. And there is no such thing as "not trying hard enough." You do what you can when you can with what you have to work.
Posted 1/23/2013 2:02 AM (GMT 0)
Can this be a reaction to a drug? Some of the fm-specific or depression meds can actually cause more depression and anger, making a very bad situation far worse. Cymbalta did not agree with me and I was so very angry while taking it.

Check drug rwactions/interactions.

I am surprised your therapist and psychiatrist are not more on top of this. Please, tell them again. Insist.

It does take time to adapt to the new normal. Remember: if one thing doesn't work after a reasonable amount of time, you need to try something else.
Posted 1/23/2013 2:09 AM (GMT 0)
LedaCat, I'm sorry you are hurting.

Living with fibro can be emotionally and physically draining, but I learned things can get better. It does take work to feel better, but I think it is well worth it.

First, I learned that at some point I had to let the anger go. It isn't uncommon to go through a grieving period for the loss of your old self...it took time to accept my dx and do what I could make myself feel better.

Pushing myself out of bed after doing some gentle stretches became a habit every morning along with lots of positive self talk. I kept telling myself today is going to be a better day. I would find websites with inspirational stories and motivational quotes and read. I found walking helped with my energy and stress. Soon I felt I did have some control over how I was feeling.

Finding the fibro forum was a blessing...I was a lurker a long time before I finally joined. I found I was not alone here. I hope you come here often and post. People here really understand and care.

If you haven't already, please check out fibro 101 on the top of the page...there is a lot of good info.

I'm glad you have joined us, keep posting we care.

Hugs, Robin
Posted 1/23/2013 2:22 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you all for your replies. As selfish as it is, a small part of me is glad that I am not alone with these feelings.

I do try and get out, and walk, and spend time in the sun. I like to read so I will often sit outside with my kindle. I have tried numerous other things but I find more and more that not much can hold my attention for more than a few minutes at a time.

I am taking medications both for the depression and the pain. I do take Cymbalta, and Lyrica. I know that a lot of people found that they feel worse on these drugs but if I am to be totally honest, I felt this way before any of the drugs that I am on now.

Crazykitty, you mentioned 'letting your anger go' and I applaud you for being able to do this. Many, many times I have tried to just 'let it go' but it always finds it's way back to me.

I see my doctor (GP) every week and I always just feel like it's the same thing over and over. He tells me that we just have to 'wait it out' and spends a lot of time trying to reason by saying that we will wait and see what my psychologist and/or psychiatrist have to say about certain things. One example is my medication. He says that we will wait and see what the psychiatrist suggests we do about it. I have seen my psychiatrist three times, and every time my doctor has said this to me. I tell my psychiatrist this, but she seems to want to leave all of that up to my doctor. So time and time again, nothing gets done. I have had a lot of people suggest that maybe it would be worth it to find a new doctor, but I just feel like I have so much history and everything is just so complex, and also I seem to have so much trouble explaining things that changing doctors would definitely be a lot of hard work. I just don't feel like I have the energy to do that right now :(

Austenfan, I have had a lot of contact with the crisis centre over here. They were calling me every second day for a while, but I haven't heard from them for a while now, so I guess they have given up on me too..

Thank you all again for taking the time to read my story and reply to it. I am very grateful.
Posted 1/23/2013 2:41 AM (GMT 0)
(((((((((((((gentle hug)))))))))))))))))
My life has been hit with one "bomb" after another in the last few years. Each one seemed to be worse than the last one. I've been dealing with the grief over the drastic changes in my life (including being fired from a job I had for 12 years).
I've been where you are and I understand the pain and depression.
I have my low days and my high days. On my low days I take it minute by minute. I try to "positive talk" my way through the day. If a particular joint is hurting more than normal I "talk" to it. I tell it to shut up or stop fussing so much. For some reason it seems to help me to "correct" it. LOL!
On my high days I enjoy the day and try not to overdo it.
Posted 1/23/2013 2:43 AM (GMT 0)
LedaCat, the anger resurfaces from time to time and I still have the occassional pity parties. I try to keep them short though.

I'm on Savella...A SNRI similiar to Cymbalta and I take flexeril, a muscle relaxer when needed. I also do deep breathing and meditation and that has helped with my pain too. Have you noticed when you are busy reading that it somewhat distracts the pain. If I try to keep busy doing things I enjoy, I find that it does help distract the pain.

I'm on my third rheumy and have been with him for over 4 years now. It helps to have someone who understands.

wishing you the best :)

hugs, Robin
Posted 1/23/2013 11:04 AM (GMT 0)
Sorry to hear about your many years of issues.

I just wanted to include that with this fibromyalgia I have, if I eat a food that doesn't agree with me, my stomach becomes upset and my pain increases and I become very sad.

Now that I'm on a special diet this doesn't happen very often but when it does I know right off what the offending food was and it reminds me to stay away from it.

Good luck to you.
Posted 1/23/2013 12:59 PM (GMT 0)
So sorry things are so tough. I think we all go through rough patches in our lives. Personally, when I feel down, I just remind myself that no matter what, God loves me, has a plan for my life, and is as close as a prayer. I try to pick myself up, dust myself off, and "get back on that horse," as the saying goes. Easier said than done, I know, but even inch by inch, day by day will take us there.

I find prayer, crafts, and just generally keeping busy and as active as I'm able helps me feel better. Remember, too, that if you can't be active at all today, tomorrow is another day. Start small and build just a bit every day.

I also try to help someone else who may be in need, whether it's by giving a small donation to charity, baking for a bake sale benefit, or as simple as holding a door open for someone. Just trying to help others puts me in a more positive mood.

There is great advice already posted here, and I have little to add.

I try to pray everyday for all of us with chronic conditions who are going through tough times. Best wishes and hugs and please let us know how things are going. We all care!
Posted 1/23/2013 1:00 PM (GMT 0)
Hi there,

I am so glad that you joined us, but sorry for what you are going through. We have a very good depression forum, feel free to post there if you need to.

How long have you been on the cymbalta? Some medications take six to eight weeks to reach their full potential. I take pristiq, abilify and xanax. They seem to work for me... I have been on anti depressants for more than 20 years. It isn't fun, but it does help.

I too try to distract myself. But know that you are probably going through a grief period, knowing that llife has changed is hard. Be kind to yourself. Don't hate yourself. Know that you are a good person and worthy of love. So try to love yourself. We all go through this, so you aren't alone. Keep posting and know that we all care...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 1/24/2013 3:23 AM (GMT 0)
Again, thank you all for your replies, and for your care.

I went to bed last night hoping against hope that when I woke up today the sun might be shining just a little bit brighter for me. Unfortunately, that was not the case and I feel even worse today. I know that I had a restless nights sleep because I woke up on top of the sheet that I was underneath when I went to sleep, completely tangled, and my quilt was all over the place. This isn't an unusual occurrence, but this morning I was in more pain, and felt more exhausted than I have in ages. I could barely move, and even breathing felt like a task that I just didn't have the energy to do.

I forced myself up though- I had an appointment with my Psychiatrist. It seems every time I go, I leave feeling more let down than the last time. I had hoped that my Psychiatrist would be someone who could get me to open up, and to talk about how I'm really feeling deep down inside. Sadly, that has not been the case. She asked a few questions (most of which now, just 2 hours later, I can't remember) and finally agreed to take me off the medication that was making me gain weight, and to try something else instead. Fingers crossed that the weight gain and insatiable appetite will stop now.

Karen, I've been on the Cymbalta for a good few months. I have been on and off anti-depressants for about ten years now. I've never had much luck with them in the past either.

I'm almost ready to give up. I feel so confused, and I'm just too tired to deal anymore..
Posted 1/24/2013 4:23 AM (GMT 0)
If you can't open up to your psych, then maybe you need a new one. The relationship between you two has be be open and honest. If you don't feel like opening up to her then you don't click.

Please don't give up on yourself. You will get through this. You've just got to find even just one thing to be greatful for everyday.
Try to turn around your situation. For example: You look in the mirror and your hair is a mess. Instead of griping and complaining run your fingers through it to make even wilder hairstyles and make silly faces to go with it.
Stub your toe? Say, "Well I'm glad I got that cuss word out of my mouth" and laugh.
If you can find something to laugh at in a situation I guarentee you will begin to feel better. Because laughter is the best medicine.
Posted 1/24/2013 1:09 PM (GMT 0)
This is a tough one. I so believe it comes from we do not want to accept what is happening to our bodies. The things we use to do and and some being just everyday things that are stopping us. I do believe this is acceptance of what we have wrong and learning to deal with it. Whether its here talking or with Doctors. But we know we are not along.
Posted 1/25/2013 6:42 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, LedaCat, and welcome!  I'm so sorry I'm late to respond to you but you have gotten some great answers from our members.  I don't usually deal with depression but I did have a bad bout of it when my husband died suddenly.  It was a total shock and we were in the process of moving at the time and my mother had a brainstem stroke 17 days after my husband died.  I was a total mess and felt exactly like you described.  I didn't want to go out, see anyone and I went to bed praying that God would take me in the middle of night because I didn't want to face all that I had to face.  But, thank goodness He didn't listen to me. 

 

I made myself get up, I set small goals for the day, and congratulated myself when I completed them.  I made a list of the good things in life and the bad things in life and the good list was far longer.  I included things like beautiful flowers, the critters I see scurrying around my yard, birds, laughter, cloud formations, children, etc.  We all have a lot of blessings but we don't look for them. 

 

I started walking and observing things as I walked.  The exercise and the sun was wonderful and I would watch bugs crawling across the sidewalk in a hurrry to get someplace, I saw my neighbors' landscaping and some gave me ideas for my yard....just enjoying nature.  This all helped me lift myself out of the depression and I feel so much better. 

 

I didn't take medication for depression even though the doctor was trying to get me to.  I knew I had a reason to be depressed.  But, for you, since you have dealt with depression for years, you probably need medication. The medication you were taking obviously wasn't working well.  I hope your doctor is trying another med.  My husband suffered from depression all of his life and it was a chemical imbalance in his brain.  This might be your problem, too.  I'm diabetic.  I have a chemical imbalance in my body so I take medication to help with that.  It took my husband's doctor several tries before they found what worked good for him.  He went from being withdrawn to being the social director of the neighborhood!  smilewinkgrin    The medication made the difference.  If your doctor isn't helping you with that, you need another doctor.

 

It sounds like you need another GP, too.  You need a doctor that treats fibromyalgia and also not one that passes the buck to a different doctor.  Many here see a rheumatologist.  But, before you make an appointment with another doctor, if you choose to do that, ask first to make sure they treat fibro patients.  By the way, Lyrica can pile on the weight.  We have had members stop taking it because they were piling on weight...some as much as 40 pounds. 

 

I do not take Cymbalta, Lyrica, or Savella.  I use ibuprofen with food, extra strength Tylenol, malic acid/magnesium supplements, vitamin D3 supplements, and a prescription muscle relaxer called Robaxin to keep me in control of the pain.  I also pace myself when doing things.  It all gets done but in a different time frame.  I also do daily gentle stretching exercises and I walk daily.  All of this helps me be in control of the pain and I have lived a full and enjoyable life in spite of this illness.  I've had fibro nearly 26 years. 

 

One thing that has helped me almost as much as medication is having a positive outlook.  Yes, I know right now that seems pretty impossible to you....but you can have that also!  It takes a little effort but in time you won't even have to think about it.  You will start to look at the good in any situation.  There really is good with the bad in life.  When I was so depressed it was harder but I made the effort to find things that made me a little happy.  I found that smiling always lifts my spirit, too.  I smile for no reason.  It's great because everyone wonders what you have been up to!  turn

 

Now, don't hate yourself.  You didn't do anything to cause these health problems.  You are very unique...we all are...and we are very special, too.  We all have people that love us, also.  Sometimes we aren't aware that certain people really do love us.  That's cool, I think!  You are just having a rough time right now.  We are here to help you as much as possible.  The more you learn about your health issues, the more you will feel in control of your life.  Right now you probably feel very out of control.  That can change, too. 

 

Be sure to read Fibro 101...the first thread on the forum.  There are links to good info about fibro and you will learn a lot there.  Good starting links are called Symptoms and A Thorough Explanation of Fibromyalgia.  There are links about the supplements I mentioned, the gentle stretching exercises I mentioned and also a wonderful link about maintaining a positive attitude with chronic illness.  Yep!  That sure fits us, doesn't it.  sad    BUT it can be done because I have done this and so have many of our members, too.  I guarantee, you will feel better if you use some of those techniques.  Yes, we all have down days.  Robin mentioned that.  But that is only one day.  When that happens to me, I handle that down day and look forward to the new day with anticipation.  Things aren't always the way I want them but it sure could be worse so I focus on things that give me some happiness and some peace.  I love doing genealogy and when doing that everything else, including the pain, fades in the background.  This probably happens some to you when you read.  It gets your mind off how you are feeling.  That is important.  Focus on a goal or something else instead of looking at you and how you feel. 

 

I'm looking forward to getting to know you better.  Don't hesitate to ask questions because we are here to help you.  Hope to hear more from you soon.

 

Sherrine

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