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Any hope for dealing with a narcissist?

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Posted 3/7/2013 12:42 PM (GMT 0)
For some years now, I've come to believe my oldest sib is a narcissist.  Looking back at the years growing up, the pieces fit, as well.  Now she has succeeded in turning my other sibs against me.  I've seen a major change in their attitudes towards me, and definitely not for the better.

I'm one who thinks it should be possible to get along with just about anyone, while keeping conversation light, topics generic, no 'hot button' issues, etc..  But from some recent encounters, I'm seeing even this doesn't work; oldest sis has ruined my reputation and credibility.  Even in e-mails, she attempts to 'shut me up' as fast as she can, while putting down anything I say.  Her not-so-subtle message to me is 'I'm right, of course; your opinion doesn't matter.' I'm just shrugged off as someone who is pretty much invisible. 

 The last roundtable email, no one dared disagree with some wacky things she said--except me. I responded and tried to be friendly, but also firm and factual, as I knew what she had said was completely bogus.  That's when the attacks came, and other sibs were too scared of her to defend me.

Anyone else dealt with this among your siblings?  Any hope for improvement, or does it come down to 'Run, Forrest, Run!' from all the sibs?  I have a pretty tough skin and have no problem living my own life, but must admit that I do feel cheated that I don't have a more positive relationship, at least with the other sibs. 

 However, I think they, too, have some issues and are insecure, and still pathetically look to 'big sis' as some kind of role model.  I'm the youngest, so anything I say really doesn't matter to them.

In a sense this is a bit OT, but in another, maybe not.  Since the last encounter, I can't get my neck and back muscles to "unknot."  Grrr....

 

Posted 3/7/2013 3:59 PM (GMT 0)
Pick your battles.

Crazy is gonna be crazy.

ThAt's what I have learned.
Posted 3/7/2013 4:18 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks, Myself 09. Short and sweet--I like that! Any you're very likely correct in those statements.

Have a wonderful day!
Posted 3/7/2013 4:19 PM (GMT 0)
Luv,

So sorry to hear you're going through this. Since I have gone through some difficulties too, I would suggest that you get some therapy. It really helps to talk with a good professional so you're not bottling it up. I know how tight I get when I'm bottled up.

I saw my psychologist yesterday. The biggest topic was my daughter's behavior emulating my ex's and my mentioning my concern to her about this last week.

My psychologist agreed I should send her an email and apologize along with a few other positive comments in the email. It is really difficult sometimes to know how exactly to handle these difficult situations.

What I've learned from my psychologist is to not let these people "get" to you. I won't go on facebook because of the hurt that can happen. Maybe this should be something that you should maybe stay away from too?

Always keep in mind what a good person you are.
Posted 3/7/2013 4:38 PM (GMT 0)
about fifteen years ago, a friend didn't stand up for me at work. It was a stupid and delicately nuanced row, and frankly I can't even begin to explain it.

Pick your battles. There was NO WAY to win that one, evn if I was right. The forces of crazy were too tightly drawn.

Sibs are tacitly admitting her crazy. And, the only one you are hurting, right now, is yourself.
Posted 3/7/2013 5:30 PM (GMT 0)
Currently my neck and shoulder muscles are feeling as if the incredible hulk has a hold on them and won't let go, and it's due to something like this as well.

While I agree with the pick your battles mentality, sometimes that is easier said than done. I've had my share of difficulties too with my own mother and with my MIL, and I agree that with fibro, the last thing we need is added stress in our lives.

Picking your battles sometimes requires us to hold in the stress, which may be worse. Fighting the battles often times leads to breaks in the families and marital stress, both of which I am currently dealing with.

I went through the therapy route but found it discouraging when my hour was almost up, I'd be talking about something close to my heart and would catch the therapist glancing at the clock. It's all about money to them I guess, and I'm in short supply of that anyway, so....

I've found the best place to discuss things like this are on a good forum, like this one, with caring people who understand and are in similar situations.

There is one I belong to, specifically for these kinds of family issues, which has been my lifeline. I'm a member there for almost 4 years now. It's a wonderful safe place where mostly women, and some men, can talk freely about the narcissistic people in our lives and how we've learned to handle them, or simply, walk away from them.

I don't know if it's ok to post a link here or not, so I'm not going to do that, unless I'm asked about it, in which case, I would be glad to share that information.

Post Edited (Me-Ouch) : 3/7/2013 10:35:04 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 3/7/2013 5:33 PM (GMT 0)
almost medfree: It sounds like you got good advice from your psychologist. I am working on not letting them get to me, and I think I am progressing on that. I guess I feel more, as I had mentioned, like I am (was) in shock, due to the lack of support. But going beyond that, I do have a supportive and loving (immediate) family and good friends and support from my church family. I'm probably more fortunate than many people. Seeing a therapist is certainly another thing to consider, should these issues continue. Right now I have close friends who are wise, and one has previously been married to a narcissist, so she definitely can relate, too.

I've never been into Facebook, and I avoid most forums, except for a few. Facebook can certainly get nasty. I don't know how they allow the language there, too. Thanks for your nice support! :)

Myself 09: So true--some people are indeed crazy, and 'nuthin we can do about that one.  I think what bothers me the most is that the other sibs can't (or don't want to) see it, so they cower. They are incredibly insecure and seem so fearful they might offend 'her majesty.'


Even hour by hour, the sting is lessening, so this is going in the right direction. Still sort of shocked by it all and the childish cowering and great fear the sibs have for oldest sis, but I am making progress. It helps to talk about it here and with the friend I mentioned.
And isn't that ever true: we can practically 'punish' ourselves by holding onto hurtful memories. I have some kickin' loud music on today (the oldies) and in a cleaning mood, so this is looking much better.

Thanks again to both of you. :)  This forum is awesome! yeah

Posted 3/7/2013 5:41 PM (GMT 0)
Me-Ouch: That's an interesting thought about picking your battles. I'm generally pretty good (I think) at doing that, but, hmm....you raise a point: it can probably cause us more stress in some ways. A good thing to weigh, that's for sure.

If it's okay with the moderators here, I would surely appreciate the link you mentioned.

Thanks so much! :)
Posted 3/7/2013 5:59 PM (GMT 0)
Hi again Luv,

I've read through the forum rules and it looks as if it's ok to post a link as long as it's not spam or self promoting, so here's the link.

http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/


Even if you never post there, it's an interesting read. I'd be curious as to your thoughts as well.

Good luck! :-)
Posted 3/7/2013 6:10 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks again, Me-Ouch.  I will definitely check it out and let you know.  Looks interesting! :-)
Posted 3/7/2013 7:01 PM (GMT 0)
You're very welcome, glad I was able to help! And, just so ya know, a lot of us there have fibromyalgia. Also, even though it's geared towards dealing with our mothers, many many MANY of us start there but wind up talking about our life partners, our fathers, brothers, sisters, children, friends, in-laws, and bosses! I think of this forum here as a way of dealing with my physical disabilities and the other forum my emotional ones. Sometimes they overlap, as you can well imagine. I hope to see you there! Look me up if you care to, my name there is Buffy! smilewinkgrin

Post Edited (Me-Ouch) : 3/7/2013 12:04:40 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 3/7/2013 7:41 PM (GMT 0)
That's really interesting that many there have fibro. Kind of makes a statement, doesn't it? As in, emotional pain equals flares. It's sad so many people have had to deal with narcissists who are so cold and unconcerned about everything but their own little world--oh, and controlling others.

I will look you up, there! Thanks again, Me-Ouch/Buffy. :)
Posted 3/8/2013 1:47 AM (GMT 0)
Oh my goodness have I been there. My sister is judgemental, critical, and insanely hurtful. She hits me where it hurts anytime she doesn't get her way. My parents have always allowed her behavior because they don't want her mad at them.
I've tried over and over to make our relationship but something I've learned, one person cannot make a relationship work. Very recently I decided to cut her and my mom out of my life for now.
With fibro that stress can cause so much fibro pain. I've been in a huge flare since Monday. I hurt everywhere, am nauseous, and so dizzy that I can't stand without holding onto something. Ugh, and the chest pain. It's not worth her nastiness.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I know how hard it is to be belittled by the people who should have your back.
Posted 3/8/2013 2:41 AM (GMT 0)
Angelic_Victory: It sounds like you have been through so much. And how true that one person cannot make a relationship work. I'm taking a break from sibs right now.
I'm not cutting them out of my life, but they can forget the little email chats if I'm always slapped down. Some people just never really grow up.

I hope things improve for you soon. And, yes, these people should have our back. What is it they can't deal with? It's really puzzling to me.

I have gone over the last conversation I had with them dozens of times, and I still can't see where there was a problem with anything I said. It's just that my version differed from 'the queen's' version, so I guess that makes me a horrible person who should be silenced. Go figure, 'eh?

Just crazy. It's either extreme insecurity or a control game, or maybe some of both. I still feel some sympathy for anyone who is so out-of-control over the smallest of matters, but I really can't help them, except pray they wise up and get over their issues.
Posted 3/8/2013 3:07 AM (GMT 0)
I have to delete those messages now. I used to keep them and "punish" myself with them. I'd get sad and pull them out. It's like I was proving to myself that all those degrading thoughts had to be true. It was a horrible habit.
I don't know why some family don't understand why family should have each other's backs. It makes so much sense to me and I always do anything I can to help. But she never helps.
My best friend says that he thinks my family situation has created my humor. It's how I cope. I don't need the negative so I find humor around me.
Posted 3/8/2013 11:36 AM (GMT 0)
If you've done all you can, and are doing your best, you have no need to 'punish' yourself. Sometimes we hear so much negative that we begin to believe the lies. Just like the media repeats propaganda until it sounds like the truth ('repeat a lie often enough and it will become truth').

I'm moving ahead and feel positive that I've done my best; the rest is up to them, but they have to act like adults. I'm still leery this morning about checking my email, but all has been quiet. I believe they 'know' what I said is true; they just can't dispute it, so it bugs them.  The only way they cope is to give me the cold shoulder, tell me I'm 'wrong' (with no explanation; they don't have one) and act childish. Maybe it's the same with your relatives.
Posted 3/9/2013 12:05 AM (GMT 0)
my Ex is narcissistic and no..you will never be able to get them to understand. They have their own brain and are always right. The best you can do is NEVER engage them. nothing good will come if you do.
Posted 3/9/2013 12:18 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks, beautymom5.

It sounds like (from what I've been reading online) it's a very stubborn condition and you echo what many others have said.  It's like they just disagree and shut down--sort of like slamming a door. 'My way or the highway.'  Just seems like a very odd condition to have to me, and really pretty pathetic.  It sounds like very few, if any, can or will change.

Posted 3/9/2013 10:34 AM (GMT 0)
Luv, I've come to discover firsthand over the years that some people don't have a conscious. Unfortunately we can't expect or hope for what they're not able to give.

The person who sticks out in my mind most is my ex. Counseling did nothing to help. Luckily he is a great father to our children. He does have his good qualities. I always try to keep that in mind and look for the positive.

It's great you have a wonderful support system. That's what we need to focus on.

Posted 3/9/2013 12:49 PM (GMT 0)
All very, very true, almost medfree!
Posted 3/13/2013 8:18 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Luvzminis,

My mother is a narcissist and I can tell you from experience it will not get better and you are much better off cutting that energy out of your life as painful as it may be. Especially when regarding family, it's especially difficult. My mother has been very horrible, inhuman even, to my sister and I our entire lives. A big part of the reason I am sick now is because of her. I felt extreme self-loathing and unloved regardless of what I was doing for myself or how many friends/significant others I had. I did some dumb things and now I'm paying for it.

I won't go into the long list of abusive things she has done to my sister and I, but very recently she attacked me in a drunken rage and was arrested for domestic violence and arraigned for assault and battery - the first time in 25 years she got caught for anything. Then she filed a restraining order against me, lying and saying I attacked HER. She cried crocodile tears, told the judge I am 'angry and violent' and 'physically assault my sister.' (Not true, my sister and I are very close).

She is a very dark, evil person. I stuck around for years hoping things would change and she would love me someday, I ended up hurting myself more than necessary and walking away with a self-inflicted disease and a court order.

I am sending you strength through your difficulties.
Posted 3/13/2013 10:42 AM (GMT 0)
Desperado25: So very sorry all this happened to you.

I believe the narcissists I am dealing with (one on each side of the family) are not nearly that bad; more like schemers and have issues with jealousy and want to smear anyone who gets in the way or--heaven forbid!--disagrees with them in any way  ('I know best'--no other opinions accepted).

What bothers me, too, is that others in the family cower and are so afraid to disagree.  Though it may not help, it would at least possibly make the narcissistic person do a little thinking.  Of course, though, they can do no wrong (so they think), so oh well...

 I've seen one go through numerous marriages and years of come-and-go 'best friends' who likely later caught on to their games.  I'm thankful it's not worse, but it certainly is no picnic. It's very hard to deal with and sad. I guess knowing it is a mental health issue helps a bit and reminds me it's a condition.

It helps me, too, to remember that everyone is fighting the daily stresses and battles we all have these days, so I can sympathize with that, while also remembering that some kids never grow up!

Thanks for your support!

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