HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

What an emotionally painful day. If your spouse can't show you compassion...

Support Forums
>
Fibromyalgia
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
12
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 4/3/2013 7:25 PM (GMT 0)
So I spent ALL day on the phone. Attempting to figure out how much the MRI that my neurologist ordered is going to cost. Sadly, I was misinformed on our voluntary insurance change and went from paying next to nothing... To getting bills out to wazoo. Just as I finally decided to schedule it, I finally got the call back that it will cost me (rather my husband) nearly a thousand dollars out of pocket. Just as I was coming to terms with this, and knowing how angry my husband will be over this, he opens the mail and throws the bill from my 7 year old's ER visit when they thought she was having a stroke. She suddenly couldn't see or walk for an hour and a half. Another $428 bill. He throws it at me and mumbles under his breath, "guess I'll keep working." WOW... as if I wasn't hurting enough.
Posted 4/3/2013 8:46 PM (GMT 0)
That must have been very hurtful!  I've been through situations like that and if this isn't normal for the individual, I generally wonder what could cause the reaction and overlook it.  Now if it were to continue, I would definitely have a heart to heart talk.

 

My son went blind for about 45 minutes when he was 9 years old.  He had been playing outside, running a lot, and he came in the house and then announced he couldn't see!  OMG!  We headed immediately to the ER at the Cleveland Clinic.  He had regained his sight on the way to the hospital but we still continued on.  The doctors said he had just overheated and that caused the problem.  He never had that problem since.  That's very scary!

Sherrine 

Posted 4/3/2013 9:12 PM (GMT 0)
Hun, I think sometimes our significant others do not understand what we are going through and it frustrates them. So he may be feeling that he is just the "money man" right now and hopefully it will pass. However, if this is habit, him making snide comments, then I would also recommend a sit down talk. :hugs:
Posted 4/3/2013 9:12 PM (GMT 0)
I know what you mean, especially about 'guess I'll keep working.' I still struggle at times with not working, but I've done all I can, I know, and still have my little projects. But watching hubby and my older children go off to work every day makes me wish I had a nice little job to help pay the bills. I've tried so many things, but nothing has panned out, so I'm taking everything one day at a time, and trying not to feel guilty. Not easy, though.

Hope your day improves!!
Posted 4/3/2013 10:08 PM (GMT 0)
Oh, how I wish I could work and take some of the burden off my husband's shoulders! He is retired but had to go back to work after almost a year just to pay bills. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel unless I get disability.

Hubby has always been supportive of me, but one time this year he had an outburst that really hurt my feelings. It still does. And we have excellent insurance, but right now I can't schedule any visits to specialists or have tests done because we can't afford the co-pays.

I hope that was just an outburst and not his usual feeling. :::hugs:::
Posted 4/3/2013 10:18 PM (GMT 0)
Sadly, it's not the first, second, or third time he's made these comments. And we've had "heart to hearts" or rather me pouring my heart out while sobbing and he says next to nothing. I truly believe he thinks he thinks he's got the bad end of this deal despite the fact that my life has pretty much gone down hill in the last 4 years. I actually fought my way through college, got my degree and certification and can't work more than 10 hours a week now. And that 10 hours is torture. And I pay for it in my free time. I'd give anything to be where I was at before all this started.
Posted 4/3/2013 10:48 PM (GMT 0)
Boy, that's a tough situation.  I mean, he was angry about the bill for your daughter!  I bet if that happened to him he wouldn't mind paying the hospital that helped him. 

 

He obviously has a lot of built up anger and I would suggest counseling but that would be another bill.  Have you tried just calmly sitting down, talking, and trying to figure out some answers to your problems?  When  you are crying and he is yelling, that can't possibly bring about anything productive.  But if you both promise to stay calm, not get angry or yell at each other, you just might be able to figure out some answers that will help ease the tension.  If you still have children at home then he isn't close to retirement age anyway so, yes, he does have to keep on working if he wants a roof over his head and food on the table.  That's a given. 

 

I love to cook.  Plus, I love to get great deals.  I'm on a limited budget, too, but only buy food that is on sale...unless I need eggs and fresh fruit and veggies.  I can make huge pots of soup and other inexpensive foods that can feed an army.  If you have a freezer, you can make casseroles and have one for the freezer. 

 

The only bills I have any control over are my food bill and my electric bill so that's how I save money for my budget.  If you can do that, that would be a way of helping out.  The money you save can then go in a savings account for when  you have these medical bills.  I cut $60 a month from my electric bill by not using the recessed lighting in my kitchen and hallways.  It uses spotlight-size bulbs.  Instead, I invested in a light kit for my ceiling fan in the kitchen.  I also keep my air conditioner at 80 in the summer and 68 in the winter.  Every little bit helps.  Just things like that can help with the finances.  Look around and see what you can do to help and perhaps that would help settle your husband down, too. 

 

I know it's so stressful to have illnesses and then add money problems to the mix and that can spell trouble.  It's so important to try to work as a team.  Working together toward the same goals really does help.

 

I hope something I've suggested will help you.

 

Sherrine

Posted 4/3/2013 11:14 PM (GMT 0)
I'd say we have a lot of calm talks. But he's not into talking. And actually, I'm not a cryer either. So when I do break down and cry, it's only because I've been emotionally drop-kicked in the stomach.

This isn't a new thing for us. I've just been putting some heavy thought into wondering how many of my health issues are guilt related to not being able to work and from walking on eggshells. And we actually don't have money troubles. He'd just rather spend the money on other things besides medical bills. As would I. In fact, I'd rather be working and making money instead of chasing a cure. I've said those exact words to him. And he feels bad about the harsh words when I remind him of that very fact. Until the next bill comes in the mail. Today didn't help matters any. I cancelled the MRI. I'll reschedule it after I pay off my daughters bill. Though I continue to suffer, especially in the area where the MRI is due, if it results out, that will mean surgery. And it's not a new problem, rather a birth defect (x 2) in my neck that has been brought to light by a quack PM Dr that suggested a lot of my pain could be a result of that. So I'm hoping waiting another month won't hurt anyone (me..lol).
Posted 4/4/2013 3:10 AM (GMT 0)
Smartedfox,

smhair are we married to the same man???

It is soo frustrating when they think we do "nothing", and earn none/little of the money coming in, but have to spend it on medical stuff.. cry

I am sure they don't mean it when they are hurtful, but it is a sad reality that THEY need to face, that we don't need our health problems rubbed in our noses, and hurtful comments don't help nono
My husband has been quite vocal about the lack of our sex life since I became sick.. I remind him his hurtful comments don't help any..and that I didn't ask to be this sick all the time!!

When waiting for a "fight" didn't work, I opted to remind him IMMEDIATELY after a comment nono "that was hurtful..and uncalled for."

Sometimes I don't think men think before they speak..if they did much smarter things should come out of their mouths smilewinkgrin Sorry, I shouldn't generalize men, as there are a few good ones left, and mine is pretty good by most standards, but I know the finances are stressing him out BIG time right now, and with all the NEW medical crap being thrown at me, it isn't helping.

Especially since my docs are mostly 4 hours and a ferry ride away.. oh well, nothing I can do about it.. so, :-) and bear it, it will get better.. just gentle reminders that you didn't ask to be sick, may be what he needs..
Good luck, and hope you feel better soon turn
Posted 4/4/2013 12:24 PM (GMT 0)
Mrs. Bugzy!!

THANK YOU for your post. We ARE married to the same man except mine has zero libido. In that respect, we are a match made in heaven. I hope his zero libido is related to the lack of a kidney which means lack of an adrenal gland resulting in the testosterone level if an 80 year old man (is in the 100's). But oddly enough, he's muscular, exhibits no feminine characteristics. The only time sex becomes an issue is on the rare (very rare) occasion that I feel better and I let him know. Last time I did (while on vacation last week) he responded with "I don't have romantic feelings anymore" so that pretty much crushed me. Guess that's the moment my gears started super grinding and doing a lot of thinking about how much harm this marriage is actually doing to me. He says he's perfectly happy. He doesn't talk to me, no romance, says "love you" at the canned times, ya know. And that hasn't been said at all the last few days. We've barely spoke. It about made me sick to be around his parents. They have a great relationship. His dad will look at his mom out of the blue and say "I love you!!" in that tone of voice you only see in the movies. You'd think he'd pick up on that. But no. So anyway, been doing some heavy thinking. There 9 weeks of school left. Then I could get away for a while. I'm thinking it's needed. And I don't think any real progress can be made unless we go to counseling. The only way he'd agree is if I left and made that a requirement for my return. I guess he could say no to that. I wouldn't be too surprised.

Oh, and I told him I cancelled the MRI that is needed to make a step in the right direction for pain relief. He's ok with the fact that I cancelled it. I'm sorry, but that speaks volumes to me.
Posted 4/4/2013 5:10 PM (GMT 0)
What a hurtful thing you're going through! Maybe you do need some time apart.

So much of what you're describing applied to my hubby and me for many years. There was a lot of hurt and anger on both sides. And then, I don't know....somehow, we entered a new phase. More tolerance, more willingness to see better motives in eachother. There's gotta be something good about getting older!

Still not much physical romance (mostly due to my spine issues) but I can see that the door is open, if and when I am up to it. But there is tenderness - he's gotten better at expressing it - and that, for now, is enough. It's like he's added the attribute of grace to his personality.

What would bother me the most in your situation is your husband's lack of empathy about your conditions. My husband is so relatively healthy, and it took him a LONG time to realize that I really can't help it, it's not a matter of bucking up and being a trooper. We still struggle with this some; he can't actually relate. The difference is now he BELIEVES me.

Whatever you decide, I'll be pulling for you - and I really hope you're not endangering your health by not getting that MRI?

Debbie
Posted 4/5/2013 1:32 PM (GMT 0)
My husband has never made me feel bad about not being able to work. In fact, anytime I suggest trying to work he says no. He's not perfect, though.

He's very moody and does sometimes lash out at me with some hurtful words. Normally, his foul moods don't even have to deal with me but I end up being his whipping boy. He doesn't talk either. I don't cry, I have a thing about tears are for when you're alone.

Despite his moods he always knows when I'm hurting or when my depression is getting me down. He seems to know what would help me the most and does it.

I would suggest counseling but if he doesn't talk then that may not be affective. I do think setting "rules" for the times when you or him. It may help him feel more comfortable. I'm sorry, I know you deal with a lot and a husband not being compassionate is just making things work.
Posted 4/5/2013 3:10 PM (GMT 0)
Personally, I think it must be very hard for spouses and partners. It doesn't excuse bad behavior but it does explain it, to a certain extent. And even they have bad days. Just as we want understanding, so do they.

I see my partner working most days to be a better man, healthier and more understanding. Sometimes, he has a bad day, or doesn't think before he speaks, or doesn't take the time to see the situation fully from all sides. He gets frustrated and then he gets angry. But, between the two of us, we are getting better at communicating, and being clear.

But both of us have to work at it.

Counseling? Serious discussion? Clarity in communicating?

I am sorry you are going through this-it is hard to try to be the one that constantly facilitates and/or bends to accomodate.
Posted 4/5/2013 8:06 PM (GMT 0)
Smart,

You are most welcome, and if we are married to the same man, you can have him :) hahahahahaha, ok, now laugh..lol..you know you need it..

Seriously, if you cancelled that appt. and he was ok with it.. then it is NOT ok.. One thing I can say about my hubby, when I mentioned cancelling a trip to my doc next week for financial reasons, he said NOPE...we will manage..
That made me feel good, BUT most of the time he says things that he thinks are funny and they are just plain mean..
as for the "I love you"'s...doesn't happen, not even at the canned times. I think it has a lot to do with his heritage, and the fact that his father was so horrible to his mom too..
I hope you can make some time to get away and get your head together to decide if your marriage is toxic and if you can do anything to de-sludge it..
It sounds like you want it to work, but need his cooperation..
I really hope you find the clarity and support you need.

We are here for you :)
My email is listed on my profile if you want to drop me a line...
Posted 4/5/2013 9:22 PM (GMT 0)
It's his turn to step up. I don't have anymore steps left to climb. He might agree to a counselor. But probably not until I left first and made it a condition of my return. Guess we'll find out.
Posted 4/5/2013 9:31 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Smart,

I am sorry you are going through this. My hubby is pretty supportive and open, I am lucky. My first husband didn't like to talk about things. So a lot got left unsaid.

I agree with the counseling, it might just open him up. If it doesn't work, at least you know you have given it your all. I wouldn't put off the MRI too long. Get it as soon as you can. Especially if it is something you are worried about bad. You can make payments. They can't get money out of a rock, as they say. Things like that work out. You do have to think about your health. Hopefully all will be okay.

Take a lot of what he says with a grain of salt right now. There is no sense in letting it get you worked up. That only makes your pain worse. But do think about couple's counseling, or even individual counseling. I think it would help all the way around.

Fibromyalgia really stinks. And there is a grieving process. Getting use to the fact that we can't do the things that we use to is hard. No matter how long we have had fibromyalgia. I still look back and get depressed at the things that I can't do. I get bummed because I can't work anymore. But even now and again, I think about going back part time. I am afraid I might fail though and I don't try. But some days just getting a shower is hard. Luckily the weather is getting nicer and I can walk. Baseball season is on again and I have some entertainment. Today I vacuumed. It is little things now that we have to look at.

Keep posting. It really helps. We can all relate in one way or another. Like I say, try to over look some of the comments for the time being. But do address them when the time is right. You don't deserve to be talked to in that manner.

Take care,

Keep posting...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 4/5/2013 11:32 PM (GMT 0)
To help with the medical bills can you go back to the insurance you had?
Posted 4/6/2013 12:45 AM (GMT 0)
Not till open enrollment :-(! That's BS. I said to BCBS "anyone could see that I've never used an out of network provider. Why would this insurance make sense for me. Obviously I made a mistake " the girl said to write a letter but she never saw them help anyone out while she's worked with them. That was their employee. Awesome! Thanks!
Posted 4/6/2013 12:50 PM (GMT 0)
Smart,
Good grief!! Do you have Catholic Charities where you are? I know sometimes they help people too..
Or ask at the hospital what kind of payment plan they have...I know in New York, it is a state law that they have to let you pay $25 a month minimum as an act of "good faith".. see if there is something like that where you are..
I hope you find something soon so you can get better..
One way to approach this with hubby may be, "I know it is going to cost us, but if it gets me one step closer to getting healthier, than it is worth it in the long run"... if he doesn't agree with you,
then RUN..you deserve better..
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}
Posted 4/8/2013 7:41 PM (GMT 0)
mad   Wow seems like we should get our hubbys together and send them bowling!
All I get it the ole "what did you do today"? Are you serious? I still try and wash dishes.(harder right now cause I had shoulder surgery March 8th) 2 days a week for therapy till end of April.

I have my ruemy doc apt this Thursday and an MRI ordered on my left knee.
I still ALONE get my 8 yr old up, dressed, fed, hair brushed, out the door and to school everyday.

The last week I have been walking to the crosswalk to meet her after school so I can at least get some exercise...Then ask me what I did today? I snapped on him Friday and I couldn't believe I remembered it all too! lol

I ran off the list of all the things I did till the min he walked in the door.

I just don't get it that he acts like it's important that NOTHING changes..Well hun everything is going to change..And I'm thinking if he cannot accept that then I do have other options.

Sorry I'm off the soap box now lol

Posted 4/9/2013 10:33 AM (GMT 0)
In my case i still work full time and the insurance at work pays most of the pills, so i guess that is why my hubby is sympathetic with my symptoms. I also do most if the housework , cooking, getting kids ready to school so he doesnt have much to complain abt and he actually helps around the house whenever he can.
Idont know what will happen if i stop working, i plan to take a yr off to finish my PhD , yea i study too :(((, so i wont b able to share in school fees ( which is pretty steep) as i do now, he said we will manage but i dont think so
The thing that bothers me is that i toldhim that the doc said i should not get worried or stressed and he is perfectly understanding but then if he is in a bad mood he forgets all abt that and will lash at me or at the kids and this happens pretty often and when i talk to him abt it i get " u think im crazy or what, i dont do that" or when im angry i get the silent treatment, so it is pretty frustrating and i dont need that added stress, what with my job, kids, studies, duties and pain !!
Posted 4/9/2013 12:05 PM (GMT 0)
I think our shaky economy, rising prices, uncertainty, shaky jobs, etc. all contribute to everyone's stress these days. And it's sure hard to make ends meet, no matter how hard one works.

  It's really hard not to be concerned or outright worried or stressed, whether we have fibro or not. Not saying anything here that's new, nor am I making excuses for those who don't understand, but I think especially if someone can't relate to what fibro does to us and how it affects us, they're likely already 'over their heads' in the concerns of our day, and likely their understanding what it's like to have fibro is way at the bottom of their list.

  There's very much for everyone to deal with these days, and I guess we have to just take things one problem and one day at a time and do the best we can. For myself and some others here, faith has helped immensely.  I hope things turn out well for you and your family.  Sorry you are going through all this!

Posted 7/4/2013 9:16 AM (GMT 0)
Seriously, I think Smartedfox and MrsBugzy must be aliases that I posted under and then completely forgot about... your significant other stories sound EXACTLY like mine!

Mine doesn't make an effort to find out anything about fibromyalgia or any of the other things I've been diagnosed with (and it's been seven years), isn't interested in hearing about it from me, is great at making cutting sarcastic comments (especially when a current flare-up "exceeds" a certain number of days), doesn't understand why it's just plain mean to wake-up a fibro sufferer because the dog's water bowl is empty (pain filled, sleepless nights then after endless baths and heating pads you FINALLY have been sleeping for an hour - makes you want to throw the dog bowl right at them - if you could muster up the energy!). Gets insulted when you won't hug him (because every touch hurts) or rub his back at night (because your hands hurt all of the time).

Then... on top of that, gets insulted because you took your mother to your rheumatologist appointment instead of him.

If you find a solution, let me know! I think the natural response to someone like that is to withdraw from them, emotionally. Eventually you withdraw so often that you end up not caring. Sometimes though it makes me very angry and I end up lashing out with a few choice words - it's not like we have much choice... can't take the car during flare ups because of dizziness, can't just take off out of the house of a walk because of fatigue and pain. It's like fibro even impairs our way to deal with marital fights or arguments!

Frustrating!

Post Edited (Vendi) : 7/4/2013 3:38:30 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 7/4/2013 6:50 PM (GMT 0)
It's not just really hubby... wife can be just as judge mental. I'm a principle care of my child, she has him for 3 nights but about 36 hours in total. And she dares accuse me of being financially irresponsible...

This is coming out from the mouth of a woman who is in her mid 30s, living with her mom, not giving my son a proper bed to sleep in when he visits. Tell me what to do.

My lawyer just told me to brush them aside.

To top it off, she dare asking me for child support. Things has settle a bit, but I'll be nasty if and when she find out she has to pay be and try to weasel out of it, I don't mind if she doesn't pay me, but I do have a problem when she thinks she being a healthy person with medical bills to pay, want to extract more money from someone who is chronically ill. She's just got something coming.
Posted 7/5/2013 4:14 AM (GMT 0)
Fibro-mom, I think we're married to the same man. It doesn't matter what I DO get done, because all he sees is what I didn't get done. It drives me insane.

Smartredfox, huge ((HUGS)). This illness can be hellish when your partner/spouse is less than supportive. I'm so sorry that you (and so many of us!) have had to go through this.
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
12