intimacy, can anyone relate?

I am a newly wed but intimacy can be difficult at times, especially because my fibro and chronic fatigue. My husband is so supportive but i don't always feel like being intimate due to my pain and fatigue although im very attracted to him and i love him. I don't know if anyone else can relate? I know he knows that im not making excuses, but the whole headache excuse happens to be very real when it comes to me. I know or at least think my husband would never ever cheat or leave because of this although i know he is a man and he has needs. I feel bad because he is a great guy. Any advice?

I'm over 60 and far from being a newlywed. I do understand that when you are hurting and tired when you go to bed, getting a good night's sleep can be a priority.

I know how I'm feeling, so I take it upon myself to be the initiator when I'm up for " it." Remember your hubby can't feel your pain, so it's up to you to tell him if you are feeling bad or when you are feeling "good." Taking a warm bath or shower beforehand helps relax stiff muscles. Letting your hubby know you love him and find him attractive is important. Snuggling, being open and honest with him is always good.

Hugs, Robin

Susu8,

You are certainly not alone!  In fact, I'm not sure that I know of a couple in which intimacy just comes naturally.  Most of us need to stay in learning mode when it comes to this, as well as constant communication.  I think it important to expand on this latter point, as I believe communication is absolutely essential for relationships to thrive, especially a marital relationship :)  Have you tried discussing your thoughts and feelings about this matter with your husband yet?  If so, how did he respond?  Usually, with couples that love each other and are dedicated to one another, a solution can be reached in dealing with these intimate matters, but it often does take honest and consistent communication--then many times a working compromise can be agreed upon, in whicn you both feel heard and understand, respected and loved, and your needs are mutually met.  While such discussions can be a little daunting at first, they tend to get better with practice.  I wish you and your husband the very best as you continue to build your marriage together!

Susu- you are not alone my dear! I have improved in this department. I realized how important sex was for a man. You can go online and google it. It has some great ideas on how to make it work better. I actually have to plan it because I try not to overtire myself day. Taking a hot bath right before you start helps and let him give you a massage. It works well for me. Lol

I'm also having issues in this area, and very grateful to know I'm not alone. I can count on one hand the number of times we've tried to be physically intimate since I started having symptoms. I'm just in way too much pain. I tried anyway because I love my husband and want to be there for him, but when he saw how much pain I was in he stopped.

But to caveat all that, I'm still having pain levels averaging 6 or higher on Good days. Working with my doctors, we still haven't found a treatment that has gotten my pain under control.

We both continue to pray that we can find something that works to get my 'normal' pain levels down to something more tolerable. In the mean time we continue to communicate and snuggle and just spend time together doing other things.

But I will say that I am incredibly blessed that my husband is very understanding and supportive through this journey. I make a point of frequently telling him how much I love him and appreciate all he does for me and how supportive and considerate he is. I know it can't replace the physical intimacy, but it's better than not acknowledging it at all. He generally responds by reminding me that he took a vow "in sickness and in health" when we were married.

I am very blessed to have him in my life and by my side through all of this.

Have a blessed day!

Great suggestion, Mrsbugzy!

My hubby has pretty much turned off the part of him that was interested - this, after years of my problems and my not being able to do much of anything. I know deep-down he is still interested, but he puts it out of mind.

He's this way in general - he kind of goes into "cocoon" mode until something changes, sticks that file in a drawer until he can use it again. I envy his ability to do this at times, but obviously it's not always a good thing, especially in intimacy.

Sigh.

Debbie

Wow this post could not have come at a better time! Thank you Susu8. I am dealing with this as we speak with my husband. thank you for being open about this topic. I find it difficult because I am always in pain and to be honest sex is no longer on my mind like it use to be. I have found, like others have mentioned, take advantage of the moments when you are feeling well. It will take you/ me being the initiator, but it works. My husband told me he appreciated the effort and communication on my part. It has made a big difference. Now if I can only keep up with it!! Once again, I love this group!!! Thank you all for your honesty!!!

I'm 29, have been living with my partner for 4 years, and our sex life has been through its ups and downs.

My partner's very supportive and understanding, but I know that he has occasionally end up feeling very unfulfilled. Sex IS important for men. The hormones it releases help them bond with their partner, and feel loved and supported. I think understanding this is what’s helped me find our balance.

We didn’t get where we are without a lot of very open, and very graphic talks about the subject.

Actual sex is a bit challenging, especially since I used to be quite athletic in the bedroom and now I feel a bit like a dead starfish.
But we’ve found a variety of positions that don’t put pressure on anything that’s sore. We might have to stop, and go get a pillow to wedge under my hips or something, but we don’t let it break the mood. (Always ALWAYS cover pillows with towels if you plan to use them ever again.)
Being so open about where my legs can go that day, or how my back can move has actually helped our relationship immensely. My partner has a whole new understanding of how my body is effected, and we’re getting to the stage where he can now spot what’s tight/what’s hurting without me pointing it out. Our sex might not be as acrobatic as it was, and it’s certainly not the “where ever, whenever,” deal it used to be… But we’ve gained so much intimacy.
And it doesn’t always have to be sex. Some days I can’t have sex, but I can still ‘enjoy myself.’ We just fool around and get each other where we need to be.

And on the days where I just can’t enjoy myself, I do what I can for him. Sometimes it’s a matter of doing things he likes while he “takes care of things,” because my hands are so sore. Yes it’s not your most exciting sexual encounter, but it’s better than him feeling like he has to go hide in the toilet.

It took a while for my partner to be comfortable not “returning the favour,” so to speak, but he’s come to understand that on the days I can’t do anything I still want to meet his needs, and I still enjoy meeting those needs.
I hated that my illness was impacting him like that, I felt guilty that I couldn’t meet his needs, and frankly he was grumpy that his needs weren’t being met. Now we’ve found this balance, we’re both much happier in ourselves, and in our relationship.

…Also, on a side note about headaches… Certain endorphins are a really, REALLY good way to get rid of tension headaches.
In our house it’s not so much, “Sorry honey, I have a headache,” as “Honey… I have a headache…”

(This doesn't work for migraines, and will quite probably end really badly if you try it... Especially if you're like me and get motion sick.)