Jsut looking to vent, really....

Does anyone else try and pretend that there is nothing wrong with them? That their life is as it used to be, before this disease took over? Because that is where I am at right now. I am trying to be all that I used to be, and am constantly let down when that doesn't happen. I have found myself slowly fading away and I don't know how to stop it. I am missing more and more work, and trying harder and harder to be 'normal', but it just isn't happening. My last paycheck was literally half of what it normally is, and that put us in a bit of a bind. I am scared that I can never stop working because we need the money, although I barely make it to work as it is. I want to apply for disability, but I know that takes a while before you may or may not get approved. How will we financially survive until then?

I am in a difficult place right now and had to let this out on here, as unless you have this illness, you don't understand. I have been home from work since November 22 (was off last week because of a death in the family, so technically on two days now) and have no desire to get back there. I have not showered in two days and again have no desire to. This is so unlike me, as I have always been the type of person who would not step one foot out of the house unless I was "all done up"...

I was even contemplating having my boss let me go, so I could even get unemployment while I wait on disability. I am going to be calling a lawyer to help since I am completely overwhelmed by even looking at the paperwork you are required to do to get done and turned in to even be considered for disability.... I wish instead of mounds of paperwork, they would send a liaison of sorts from the disability office to live with us for a couple days, or even a week, to see what we go through. Maybe that would make it more real to them, other than us just being a person on a piece of paper...

Yep. That was me about six month ago. Once you let go, it's freeing. Well, it's a little depressing at first...but then you wake up to your new normal and you are THANKFUL that something much more mellow is part of your life. My job almost did me in. I was suicidal at the thought that I was a failure and could not cope like other people. Now when I talk to old colleagues I laugh when I get off the phone. They are all miserable and causing themselves so much stress over something that truly doesn't care about them.

Find a way to make money come in (I had to live off my IRA for a bit and I don't regret it), and find something that is much more sustainable. It's out there, I promise. And don't stay strong: know your limitations and put your first.

I think I am in a similar place, but I go back and forth. Acceptance, then defiance. Flares don't help either. When I am feeling better (to other people it would be bad ... but good for me, right?), it's easier to ignore. To think well, maybe it isn't REALLY that bad. Then bam, I am hit in the face with my reality. I mean... I can't even lean bare arms against counters, or sit in one position for very long against anything hard. Silly little things. I modify continually and appear to be "normal" ... but it is just me accommodating for the abnormalities.

I am not sure if that makes sense. Meaning... I look normal from the outside because I'm learning to adjust. But when I try to do what other people do... I can't, and it shows.

Anyway - no wisdom. Just support. I understand.

I think we all feel the way you do. At least I know I do. I am in a bad place right now. I haven't worked in three years and I have been denied disability for the fourth time. My attorney is taking it to federal court so I hope that helps me. Not sure how Christmas will be bought for my kids this year because on our one income we are barely making it.

Aww BabyBlue, you're breaking my heart. I am so sorry. I hope things turn around somehow. :(