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Posted 6/24/2014 6:44 PM (GMT 0)
The past few days haven't been good ones. Cleaned my kitchen,it was a disaster. The grandkids about six of the nine have been here lot of the time minus parents. They come and go. Most of them ten and under. I love them dearly, but schools out and they come hoping someone will watch them in pool. Can't go in pool without an adult. Well if papa can't , he has lots of health issues too and don't feel up to it guess what? Nana!
I sound so unloving right now even to myself. I snapped at kids and I realize what I'm doing so I try to say things in a nicer way. I don't want to take my pains out on them. They re great kids but kids are kids. Right now I'm crying and trying to keep myself together to keep from screaming. Lord help me I am. Their little voices just sound so high pitched. They slam doors hard as they come and go or is it the noise is just getting to me.
This morning after cleaning living room and kitchen and last night it looked good. I had even mopped kitchen L.R. and clean one bathroom. Woke with a bad headache and hurt all over. I need a bath, my laundry room is overflowing with dirty clothes, need to do some and fold up clean ones. So I'm sitting hear listening to kids in pool, my grandson got papa to watch them swim. I know when they get out the porch will be wet and wanting to eat and drink so before I completely lose it, going to go take a bathe and brush my teeth and hide in bed. Feel like scum for bailing out on my hubby and know this sounds so self pitying but like Scarlett in Gone with the Wind,I will think about it tomorrow. God Bless you all. If no one reads this or comments , it's help release something for little while. Sorry I try not too do this much because I like to try to be more positive. I hate being snappy to anyone especially my babies. Pray for me please.
Posted 6/24/2014 7:13 PM (GMT 0)
Hi J.

It ok to just let it all hang out.. We all have those days when energy from fighting the pain is on empty tank.... Things balled up inside are better to let it out...

Go out and slamm a few trash cans around or my fav squirt the cat! Hehe..let off some steam.. UR r only doing what we all do trying to survive with illness the best way we can..

Time for a music break.. Get the grand kids dancin.. LOL...
(((HUGS)))
Chotti
Posted 6/24/2014 7:22 PM (GMT 0)
Vent away,

Gosh most of us are not up to all that...we have our limits but most of the people have no idea what they are...

Our kids keep wanting us to move south with them..i do not feel like looking let alone moving ...its just a tough year..i think i keep having trigger point flare ups in the hips..at times hard to walk around house let alone move...
Posted 6/24/2014 7:51 PM (GMT 0)
Ljm..

Take it all in small increments... It's letting go our our past .
Accepting our limitations now.. Then working toward a better quality of life with new limitations with coping skills dialed in for custom personal needs....lots of fun with PT .. Meeting others just like us..

I can no longer visit my family flying is too much... Besides all the metal in my body sets off the metal detectors... Next thing u know the poor SA is ready to pat down & frisk me as if I haven't already been thru enough of the exhausting circus tricks from just getting to the counter to disrobing removing shoes.. The whole 9 yards.. Phew.. Pooped just thinkin bout it...

So it's another summer the kids will all be out for my BD this week end.. I certainly will enjoy letting them all wait on themselves....& me.... Hehe!
Now I officially get my Medicare card...
Posted 6/24/2014 9:26 PM (GMT 0)
Its so hard to keep going and going and going...like the Energizer Bunny with no energy. It's hard but you could do a few things that might help the situation. I would have bread, sandwich meat or PB & J handy. I would teach the kids how to make sandwiches or I would make sandwiches ahead of their visit so they can grab and run. It's easier to do that when the kids aren't running around making a lot of noise. Your husband could help there, too. You could get a comfy lawn chair with a beach umbrella and sit there with a cool drink and watch the kids. Better yet, get in the pool with them. I love my pool and am in it every day in the summer. Maybe go out and get a croquet set and set it up so the kids can have tournaments while you sit and watch.

These are a few ideas that might make this time easier for you. Just try to plan ahead. You can pace yourself this way and then be able to just sit and enjoy the children.

Know what? I envy you. I have three adult children and none have gotten married. I have always wanted grandchildren but have none and don't see it happening now. I have a wonderful home and pool but am here by myself. I'm a widow. I'd like to have some noise around here! LOL.

Sherrine
Posted 6/24/2014 9:29 PM (GMT 0)
Vent away my dear!! I have found out ths can be helpful and journaling too. I don't have Grandchildren, but I know how it's to back out of a commitment. I use to feel bad, but now I try not to bite off more then I can handle. We just never know how we feel. One day we can get so much done ane the next were in bed. We do undertand. Sometimes we just need to retreat! Lol
Posted 6/24/2014 10:13 PM (GMT 0)
My daughters are happily married but i do not think either plan to give us grandchildren..if i did have them i would need to limit my time with them at this point..

We have a community pool, but i would like a private one better
Posted 6/24/2014 11:26 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks that was a long vent I had this morning. I did go rest and am feeling much better. I love my grandkids and am so blessed to have them around. Wouldn't have it any other way, it's just that the kids are here most of the time . It is usually three or four at one time but sometimes more and it is almost everyday. Sometimes when I have pain and a bad headache, the noise just grates on my ears. Guess it's either like Sherrine , you have none or me that has nine. No middle ground here.

I have been getting in the pool and it helps me but I don't dare get in with them because I would have several of them holding on to me. Lol.

Thanks everyone again. It helps to vent. I could journal, but it's just better when somebody knows how you are really feeling and not just you telling them.
Posted 6/25/2014 12:43 AM (GMT 0)
Jabeau,
Don't feel bad, this is the place where people understand. It is ok to set limits, too. You might want to tell your kids to only send the grandkids every other day or so, unless they are coming to take care of them. It is not fair to expect all that out of you and your DH. We raised and supervised our kids, and don't have it in us to take on the same level of care again. There is nothing wrong with that, it is the fact of getting older. Add into that FM and you have a real issue that can level you on a regular basis. I think if you knew you had every other day with a quiet house you would tolerate the other days better.
HEART
Posted 6/25/2014 2:58 AM (GMT 0)
Heart has an excellent idea. Every other day visits and have food the kids could make. Set out fruit, bread, lunchmeat, chips, pre-sliced veggies and dip, and popsicles.
Limit the pool time to two hours and have some yard games while you rest under the umbrella.

This week my brother's family has been visiting. He has three teens and one tween. They are the loudest rowdy group of kids I've ever seen. We stocked our fridge with easy fix foods and snacks and let them loose with games and computers.

I hope you feel better.
Posted 6/25/2014 4:35 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks Joy, >3, LJM, Angel, Sherrine, Couchtater, Chotti, you have all given me great advice from letting them make sandwiches to sitting under umbrella, throwing trash cans.lol really trying to take care of myself and my hubby. Also to try to let them do more for themselves. I know this is all true. I did overdo for me anyway and l have to get my own kids to not just understand but actually do what they know I shouldn't have to , but because I have always been so capable and did it without too much stress and fuss they are learning too. The cleaning I do now compared to what I used to is still sinking into my head as well as theirs. I'm sure I will be doing this again but hopefully not so much.

God Bless you all. It really makes a difference for having someone to listen and let me vent.
Posted 6/25/2014 5:15 AM (GMT 0)
My daughter asked my why I only had two children. My answer? That's all my mom would keep at a time. I wasn't stupid. That's all her nerves could take at one time, too!

Now it's my turn at this grandma thing, 7 grandchildren, 3 step-grandchildren; oldest is 15, youngest is 1. The teenagers are the ones driving me batty. However, my rule is that I don't keep them overnight until they are potty trained. Hubby almost always gets up with them in the morning, and I'll stay up late at night with them.

Oh, except that two of our grands live with us: we have a 14-year-old girl and a 10-year-old boy. You don't EVEN want to hear my vent about them.

I have a large walk-in-closet and moved a recliner in there. I call it my bat cave; I go there when I'm going bat-s**t crazy from all the noise and fighting.

The older I get, the more I want to run away. I used to be adamant about staying close to the grandchildren. Now I'd just like some time with the hubby while we are still relatively healthy.
Posted 6/25/2014 5:57 AM (GMT 0)
BWFM,

Well you know exactly how much it can get to you. I have a walkin closet too. Now that's an idea I might steal. Lol
Posted 6/25/2014 4:31 PM (GMT 0)
Dealing with pain like this does have a big affect on emotions.  I'm glad to pray for you: "May the LORD Jesus Christ touch and heal your body, and may He strengthen you and comfort you each and every day to do all He wills."  All the best, my friend.  Thanks for posting so honestly.  Blessings

- Jrom828

Posted 6/25/2014 10:40 PM (GMT 0)
I like the recliner in the closet idea! You people are AWESOME
Posted 6/25/2014 11:10 PM (GMT 0)
Yes this forum is great. They give you great ideas and support you even when you feel and talk so negatively. I used lots of their tips and venting here to everyone is a release. Thanks so much for the prayers,JROM. Prayer is always welcome.
Posted 6/26/2014 3:56 AM (GMT 0)
Sweetie
Will pray for you !!
Glad you let it all out..

My oldest friend was in poor health for many years - she had only one grandchild but her daughter constantly abused her hospitality.. she had a pool too & was constantly having to pick up/launder wet towels & clothes, cooking, cleaning up the kitchen, etc. Going to the grocery store was torture. She could not bring herself to say no, neither did her husband. They were miserable.. passed several years ago. Watching that happen enabled me to put my foot down in my own family.

I too believe that you have gotten some good advice already !

Have similar issues myself - grandkids- but not the quantity you do !!
So far, my concerns are mostly that their parents did not provide food for them (money is super tight & they know it)
And do not pick up/clean up after them.

Perhaps it would help if you told the parents what I told my 'kids' -
BEFORE the g'kids are ALLOWED to come over:

The parents have to ask me - each & every time - & sometimes I say no ! Joy's idea of setting limits will help you

The parents have to send prepared food & drinks (except water). Depending on ages, maybe older kids can take on the responsibility of preparing AND cleaning up - otherwise the parents must agree to do it.

When the kids are picked up, so is their stuff (I do not have a pool but if I did that would include towels & swimsuits)

I do not hesitate (now) to nicely ask the kids to quieten down..
not all the time but when those piercing yells make my ears ring!!

Wishing you the best
Posted 6/26/2014 5:51 AM (GMT 0)
Diane,
My hubby and me sound like the neighbors you wrote about. Don't know why I have such a hard time saying no to them. The kids do leave my house a mess and wet towels, dirty dishes, etc. when I was younger and in better health it bothered me but not to the extent it does now. I love them all and it's mostly my fault for letting it go on. They don't intentionally do it. They just always assume it's fine with me. I got so snappy this weekend I hated myself. I know I need to set more limits. If I didn't have so many it wouldn't be so bad but as much as I love them at times it gets me down that I feel like I going to scream. It always brings on a flare. Taking note of all the suggestions, they are all great ideas and I appreciate the concern,support and most of all the prayers.

Thanks to all of you for lending a ear when I get so down.
Posted 6/26/2014 2:26 PM (GMT 0)
Jabeau, how about letting the kids know they have to clean up after themselves. If they don't, they can't come over for one whole week. That would help them remember!

Do what you need to do and still be able to enjoy the children. I know you love them a lot but you need to set boundaries...for your sanity, health, and to help prevent resentment. The kids are old enough to respond and even help you. I taught 9 & 10 year old children and I started the year with a list of classroom rules that they needed to abide by. They did and we always had a great year with a lot of fun. Maybe your grandchildren think it's alright to leave a mess if you didn't tell them otherwise. Together you could make a chart of what they can do to help you. Just a thought....

Anyway, do what is best for you. You, after all, are the one dealing with this.

Sherrine
Posted 6/26/2014 11:10 PM (GMT 0)
You're welcome about the recliner in the closet idea. At first we put it in there for a short time because we didn't have room for it when our daughter and her children moved in with us. However, I have found it to be a refuge many times. I take my ice pack in there, read a book, and sometimes I fall asleep.

My oldest granddaughter, who is 15 and may start living with us, has been very helpful this week. We have stressed to the grandchildren that standing in one spot doing the dishes makes my daughter's back and arms hurt and her arms go numb (she has arthritis and a possible tear in her shoulder); and I can't stand stationary for more than a few minutes before my hip and lower back start hurting. That's all about to change.

I told the 14-year-old that when she comes back from her friend's house we are going to have an understanding. She's going to understand that she is a part of this family and as such she has to participate in keeping the house in order. And I have told them I am not their maid and will not clean up after them anymore. As long as they keep their stuff out of the living and dining rooms, I'll be happy. I really don't care what their own rooms look like as long as they don't take food or drinks into their rooms.

My daughter finally sat her children down and told them what was going on. She wants to do things with them so badly and sometimes she just can't work through the pain. Her son is beginning to understand; he has been diagnosed with hypermobility syndrome and has aches and pains, so he is becoming more compassionate towards his mom.

I hope you can get through to your grandchildren. They probably don't even realize what you're going through. I look back at when I was 10-14 and I know I didn't realize how unhappy my mother was or why she went outside to the back porch to cry. I wish she had talked to me then. My sister and I both have fibro and we think our mom did, too, and suffered in silence because no one at that time knew what it was or how to deal with it. We know she had restless legs and wish she would have gone to the doctor about it.
Posted 6/27/2014 2:33 AM (GMT 0)
Jabeau, you mentioned that the grandkids often wanted to be supervised while they played in the pool. Are there any older kids/young adults in your neighborhood (or close by) who are lifeguards? You could pay them or work out some sort of barter/trade...that way you could even limit the kids' time in the pool because "that's the only time the lifeguard can be here, and we want you to be safe..." Or even ask the kids to contribute to paying....for the lifeguard or for food or for a maid to clean up after them (and I'm talking about the kids AND/OR the grandkids).

That's how we wind up getting through a lot to our nearly-16-year-old. He complained that we bought a new shower curtain for the bathroom and didn't consult him about which one he wanted. We told him, "You want a seat at the table, son, you better ante up. We'll even take it back and you can pick out whichever one you want, but it's coming out of your savings." He came to realize (with a little reality-based math from us) that he had about 60 more years on this planet (if the actuarial tables hold) and he'd be spending nearly all of them picking out his own stuff -- and paying for it. Suddenly he decided that being saddled with a less-than-ideal shower curtain wasn't as unfair as he had thought.

It's amazing how quickly they can learn when we make the consequences realistic AND fair. In reality, you can't be expected to do everything; so, logically, if the mess is there, they can either help out, pay someone else to help you out, or limit their time. That's how the world works (if it's my job to clean the toilets, I can either clean the toilets, pay someone else to clean the toilets, or move into a hotel)! You're a grandparent, not a doormat. :) Setting clear guidelines and expectations and being honest with them IS showing love to them!
Posted 6/27/2014 2:57 AM (GMT 0)
You know this reminds me seeing a news show..where teens were being interviewed.. And they were asked...what do you need from your parents...it surprised me when they said boundaries!!!

Our kids were allowed to have their friends in anytime, but it came with the responsibility to clean up.
Posted 6/28/2014 1:35 AM (GMT 0)
These are all good ideas and where I could manage it easier when I was healthy it's becoming unbearable. I think I'm going to take this ideas and put into practice for my health sake, I'm 61 getting too much for me. Thanks for the wonderful ideas and prayers. I needed them both. My whole family needs a wake up call.

Thanks everyone.
Posted 6/30/2014 11:54 PM (GMT 0)
You know after 6 years one thing I never really thought about but hey, where are my friends and ladies from my church? They heard I was sick and thought, "Well someone must me taking care of her", "Her family is probably all she needs". Well the family kinda backed off too and my husband decided I could do more because I'm home all the time now, (in bed). Yeah, outdoor work is great, so is taking out the garbage and grocery shopping, (those bags are so light). I'm mad and I want a punching bag, but I would hurt so much the next day from hitting it, I guess that's a bad idea.
Well that's some of my rant as my husband sits beside me on the bed on his laptop as I cry in pain, he's in a chat room. I would leave, but there is absolutely nothing I can do now. Can't read very well, type without going over and over fixing typos on finger method, can't write that anyone can read, brain and aphasia has me someone else I don't know anymore, K can't go on, crying too hard, thanks all. Kim
Posted 7/1/2014 12:44 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Kvigiil,

So so sorry that you are feeling so bad. Yes, friends don't come around much, they like to do things. Most of the time even on our best day aren't up for all day shopping. They want to go to the beach, go to the movies and do things we aren't able to do all the time. It's not that they don't care but they just don't understand. The church would come but you are right unless someone specially tells them to help out, after awhile they assume it's taken care of. its not something most people understand.

Your husband, not knowing your situation myself probably doesn't realize how you are really feeling. If he has read up on it and knows how much you are hurting and exhausted and still sitting there then maybe he is just feeling overwhelmed too. Maybe a heart to heart with him might wake him up. Everyone here has been in similar situations. We have shed tears and felt so low that we didn't think it will be better. There will be bad days plenty but you will have days that you feel almost normal. We all here do care and will listen. Cry and scream if it helps but then start again. You will be able to gets better handle on it. I'm still trying to get myself together but I know you are frustrated and want someone to understand. I do, we all do here.

Read the information on 101 at the start of the posts. It does have some great information to help you. Read it, you will see some helpful hints. Glad that you are here and hope that you can find out what helps you. If you need help call your church and if they know they will help and will put you on their prayer list. What we have is so hard to understand because we don't look sick.

Will be praying for you and for your husband to understand and be more considerate. You have to take care of yourself. Do what you can and the rest will be there tomorrow.

God Bless.
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