Shunned in the south?

Hi Everyone,

Last year I made the move from Wisconsin to Florida. I love it here but it seems that the women in my area do not wish to talk about their ailments or limitations. Even one of my doctors, who is familiar with practicing in the north and here in Florida, mentioned this during my appointment. She said her patients are hush hush about what's going on with them which makes it more difficult for her to try to treat them.

Has anyone else found this to be true? I'm bringing this up because my husband and I recently joined the church we've been attending for several months, and I have yet to be invited to any of the women's functions or groups except one--sewing quilts. That would be impossible for me and I never liked sewing. I am being proactive about this and checking in with the person in charge of putting together all of these functions, but she's on vacation for a time.

My husband is being made welcome. He is invited to attend male functions. One thing to mention: during one of the church dinners months ago, three different women invited me to separate women's functions (2 group functions and one way of volunteering). They each took my phone number. I never received a phone call. At this dinner, I was asked if I would be interested in cooking for the youth group--20 attendees. I replied that I would be happy to but I would only be able to help due to my limitations. Since I was seated beside one of these women for a few hours, I told her about my work injury and a bit of info about my limitations. I wanted to mention this because I didn't want to come across as if I wasn't interested.

I'll give it some time but we may have to look into attending a different church. I'm sure if we decided to take a step back, one of the pastors would approach us. Without being accusatory, I would say that maybe there was a miscommunication...

Thanks for listening.

I think "well" people tend to see those of us with chronic health conditions as "whiney" and tedious. I've found it better to get to know people and present only the "well" side of me (when I can find it) at first. If I need to tell someone something early on, I usually settle for telling them I have a "chronic, autoimmune disease." That's really all most people ever know. My close friends know more specifics, but we don't discuss them unless there's an immediate problem.

That's really sad that people would avoid you because of your limitations, but not terribly surprising - especially not in some churches. Too often I've found with many churches around me (and I'm in the South) it's all about what you can do for them, and rarely what they can do for you (which it should be). If you can't give enough (whether in money or time) then they aren't interested in you. And, even when you do give, the second you stop, for whatever reason, they are no longer interested.

I lived up north but I wasn't sick at the time so I never really saw the difference in how people behave towards you if you are. I have found that it really depends on who you talk to as to whether they are open about their ailments - some seem too open ready to tell you anything, and others even when you know they have ailments won't talk about them. I have a family member that has a chronic illness and I only know because I was told in a hush-hush way years ago that they didn't want anyone to know.

I wouldn't go so far as to participate in a group that is doing something you a) have little interest in and b) don't feel you could do without adding to your pain. But, I think I would perhaps try to find ways to get involved that you can do. Offer to do some small things that you are able to do just to see what happens when you try. Does your church have a library you could volunteer in perhaps? Could you help with putting the bulletin together? Are there prayer groups you can attend and be a part of?

If you continue to offer to do what you can and still are not being accepted I'd keep looking. I'd bet there's another church that probably teaches the same thing just down the street.

Growing up as a preacher's kid we were always moving from church to church. It's hard to get a friendship started when you know you might have to move in a few years. I learned to quickly get involved in what I could do.

As soon as the activities director comes back find out what kind of things you can do.
We're not shunning in the south, just protective of our hearts.

Thanks Joy and Luv! That must have been rough, Joy, to move from place to place as a preacher's kid.
Your last line is beautifully put.

Luv, thanks for the suggestions of groups. I'll check again. When I've googled for support groups, it comes up with doctors and therapists. I'll have to try again. Maybe I'll come across another person with fibro who might know of a group.

It's odd yet understandable that people seem healthier down here. Maybe because they're not cooped up in the winter? Something to think about.

Thanks for sharing your story, Diane. Can you tell me why you wouldn't share your health issues with anyone outside of a health support group?

Yesterday a neighbor came by to speak with my husband and I about her recent health issues. She wanted to explain to us why she hasn't been in touch for a couple weeks. We do not know her very well and we didn't mind that she shared even her personal feminine health problems.

What I think is worse than sharing a bit of personal health information is gossip. That's a turnoff for me but it wouldn't cause me to possibly shun someone.

I'm continuing to think positive about all this and I am being proactive. Thanks again everyone.

A couple of weeks ago, we met some friends at a restaurant where some of the seating was outdoors. We pulled into the parking lot to find it was packed. In front was one handicap space...the Hubs pulled in as I have a sticker. Three of the people we were meeting and who were sitting at a picnic table, jumped up and yelled...you can't park there...that's for the disabled...not noticing I was hanging the placard from the rear view mirror. When I got to the table one of the women asked me how I "managed to snag one of those."

So...it's a catch 22. If you tell people you have limitations, you're whining. If you don't tell them and your disorders are not that obvious, you're secretive.

I don't know what the answer is. I walk with a limp and don't have the stamina of many of my friends...if that's not a clue without going into grueling detail...so be it.

Donna

I appreciate the additional replies.

Diane, thanks for sharing your reason. It's the only reason I could come up with. It should be interesting to see what happens. My husband has stepped back in participating in men's activities for now. If things don't happen for me, we're going to look into a different church. But in the meantime we'll do our best to be positive and hope I begin to be invited to women's social functions.

My concern too is the person who runs the church's activities told me at a church luncheon more than a month ago that she would be calling me in about a week about all the social opportunities at the church. I did share with her that I'm somewhat limited in what I can do when she mentioned church overnighters in different cities but that I would be happy to hear about other social functions.

Thanks, Donna, for sharing your story. That must have been rough but you held your own...It must be really confusing to people that I look so healthy and that I'm somewhat limited in what I can do. I see what you're saying about whining, but I do come across as being positive when I share some of my limitations--as if I'm doing things to help my health and not feeling sorry for myself.

Jeanneac, no this isn't a small town. It's a small city. There are a lot of people here from different parts of the country. I'd be interested to know what you found out about: "I have diabetes but I don't claim it". Being raised Catholic, I had to read up on what that meant.

I feel very lucky to have found this forum years ago. Thanks again.

Thanks, Sherrine, for your thoughtful reply and for telling me about the info concerning religion. I can understand that we shouldn't discuss specific religions in here. I guess I wanted to know what that means: I have a health condition but I don't claim it. Maybe it means: I have a health condition but I don't talk about it.

Concerning my church, it's strange there haven't been any women's functions listed in our weekly church bulletins but there are men's functions listed. I need to find out if the large women's meeting begins in the fall. I've heard there are small women's circles that meet at women's homes. There are things to find out.

Thanks for the reminder to steer clear of talking about my limitations. I have to get use to doing that. It will take practice. I very much appreciate all of the advice.

Agree w/ Sherrine's idea in the post right after mine .. to just step out & do it.

If there are any couples who you feel comfortable you could consider asking them to meet you'll for a meal, after church services. or meetings.(Bible studies, prayer meetings, etc)

Do hope you & your husband enjoy the holidays !

I'm glad that you were proactive and took steps to integrate yourself. And it make take a few trials and errors before you find a good fit, so try to be positive and not give up. You may find that certain groups are more suitable for you than others. Church people are people first, and like any other group of people, there may be certain group dynamics or personalities that you gel better with. And, I often think it's a bit harder for women, just because of the nature of our expectations and the way we develop friendships. Men (and please forgive the generalizations her; just my observations) often seem to be able to just blend into any group, where it seems that it takes a bit longer to warm up for women, at least in my experience.

So good luck to you. I applaud your persistence. It has been my experience that once I join a group at church, I usually feel pretty welcome. And I think a Bible study is a great place to start. You won't have to "do" anything physically taxing, but you will get the benefit of the fellowship. And if they ever get together for lunch or anything afterward, that may be a perfect opportunity to get to know them better. As you go along, you may see other ways that you can get involved that won't feel like too much. I have found that it is always better to start really, really small. You can always add more. But it's difficult to back off of volunteering once you have committed to something. So maybe start with bringing a dozen cookies to a function (store bakery bought works for me ) instead of offering to stand and serve a meal or cook for 100 people.