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Husband doesn't understand my Fibro

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Posted 1/10/2016 3:34 AM (GMT 0)
Hi everyone!

I just need some advice. I was dx'd in 2012 and since have been unable to keep my job due to such bad flare-ups and missed work. I do as much as I can everyday to help my family but my husband just cannot understand how my symptoms can be so bad that I cannot get out of bed some days. I have given him so many articles and tried to explain it till i'm blue in the face but he just doesn't believe it. He says that if I were to just push harder and quit blaming my diagnoses for everything that things would be better. He thinks this is all in my head because I read information on how to help myself deal with this and so by me reading all this crap it makes me believe that I have those symptoms. I just don't know what to do because I'm getting to the point of becoming depressed because I feel so alone in this. Could someone please give me some advice.

Thanks in advance!

Kimbly310
Posted 1/10/2016 11:41 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Kimbly,

It's nice to meet you. So sorry to hear about what you're going through with your husband. I had an ex-husband like that. What I would suggest is getting him to go to your doctor with you to hear how real fibromyalgia symptoms are. Then, also, attending therapy sessions with him.

The stress of living with someone who doesn't support you emotionally is horrible and it makes your symptoms worse. I know this firsthand. Also take very good care of yourself in the meantime by eating right and trying not to overdo and performing light exercise like walks out in nature.
Posted 1/10/2016 1:14 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, Kimbly, and welcome! It's so sad when our spouses don't understand what we are going through. It is a difficult illness to understand in the first place. Doctors are still working on figuring it out. Almost's suggestion about seeing if he will go to the doctor with you is a good one...IF he will go. In many cases the spouse won't go.

Try not to dwell too much on this. You are young and look healthy and that's what he sees. Men are "fixer uppers". They also are protectors. He could easily feel helpless to help you feel better. He can't "fix" you so he is angry because he loves you so much. He needs something to blame. Instead of blaming this darn illness, he is blaming you! I know how much this hurts you but, as I said before, try not to dwell on it. Instead of you becoming angry too, keep loving him and do nice things for him. This just might soften his attitude up and it definitely won't cause problems in your marriage. I had to do this with a different issue in my marriage. Trust me, the last thing I wanted to do was be nice to my husband at the time but I did this anyway and my marriage became stronger because of it.

We are responsible for our own happiness and peace. I find counting my many blessings has helped me so much. I often suggest that members make a list of the blessing and also a list of the negative things in their lives and they will find that the blessing list is a lot longer. Don't forget things like walking, seeing, hearing, friends, and all the beauty that is around us. That does make you feel better. Having chronic pain can really put a damper on our lives if we let it.

But don't let Fibro define you. You actually can live a full and enjoyable life with this illness once you find what helps you get the pain under control. I have had Fibro for decades and have still had a wonderful life.

I would like to suggest that you always get out of bed. I know we don't want to face the extra pain when we do get out of bed but it will ease up with movement. If we sit or lay too much we will be stiff as a board and have more pain. I hang on to furniture when I am making my way to the bathroom in the morning but after a few stretches, I'm moving much better. Then I get my dog and head out for a walk. I REALLY don't want to do that. I hate exercise in any form but I do it. You know what? While walking I'm looking at all the beauty, the flowers, the critters getting their breakfasts, the clouds, etc. and the pain fades somewhat in the background and I'm smiling! By the time I get home I have less pain and more energy! So do give it a try. When I started out walking I could only go four houses down and had to turn around and come back home if I was going to make it. But I didn't quit. I went out the next day and could go a little further. Now I walk at least a mile in the morning and it gets my circulation going. See if your hubby would like to join you. He would see the effort you are making to feel better and that might help your situation too. Let him know you might not be able to go far at first but you would love to have his company.

Once you find what works to help with your pain you will do so much better. Unfortunately, what works for one with Fibro doesn't necessarily work for another. It's a trial and error type thing but you will get a lot of ideas on this forum. I use ibuprofen with food, Tylenol, magnesium malate, vitamin D3, and a muscle relaxer called Robaxin to help with the pain and fatigue. I also walk daily as my gentle form of exercise and swim in the warmer weather and I pace myself when doing things. Everything does get done but in a different time frame. I get gentle massages once a month and I also do trigger point therapy on myself with the help of The Trigger Point Therapy Workbook I found on Amazon. Most importantly, I keep a positive attitude. This has helped me so much in dealing with this illness. All of this helps me live a full and enjoyable life in spite of Fibro.

Be sure to read Fibro 101...the first thread on the forum. There are links to good info about Fibro and you will learn a lot there. Good starting links would be Symptoms and A Thorough Explanation of Fibromyalgia. There is a good link that might help your hubby understand better called Doctors Respond to New York Time Article. There was an article that had said that Fibro was not a true illness and a lot of doctor wrote in and talked about it! There also is a wonderful link on how to maintain a positive attitude when you have chronic pain. All of Fibro 101 is good so do read it.

I'm sorry this is so long but the words were flowing out of me this morning. :-) I'm looking forward to getting to know you better. Don't hesitate to ask questions because we are here to help you. Hope to hear more from you soon.

Sherrine
Posted 1/11/2016 6:36 AM (GMT 0)
It took my husband a long time to finally get it..he knew things were wrong...but he did not understand how wrong for a long time..

He did come to some appts.. But he would look at the dr.. And say.. She cries in pain...like, how dare you let my wife cry ... Lol..

Now he can tell by my expression when my pain is building, sometimes before i even notice...apparently i have a tell ...he also always offers to drive me to appts..

Some support groups have spouse meetings.. I think that would be great ...but in our area the meetings are an hour and a half away..too far...

Hang in there,

Sherrine is right about keep moving as much as you can...we only feel,worse if we go to bed with it!!!

Learn to pace your work out into mini projects..with breaks in between..

Ask lots of questions here..if you need to.. Lovely women here always ready to answer...


Lj
Posted 1/11/2016 4:17 PM (GMT 0)
I really like this article someone wrote in trying to explain how people feel with chronic health problems:
http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/
Posted 1/12/2016 3:55 PM (GMT 0)
It also took my wife at least 2 years to stop thinking I was lazy when I didn't get things done that she thought should have been done. She did attend a few appointments with me. I also decided to get copies of the office notes from some of my visits and have her read them. That seemed to help the most.
Posted 1/12/2016 5:15 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, Whizdumbaq, and welcome! That is a very good idea, too. Anything that will get a spouse to listening is great!

Why don't you do an introductory thread so all the members will know you are here? We do have a great group of members who love to help one another and, as a bonus, care about each other too. So let us know a little about you!

Sherrine
Posted 1/14/2016 8:09 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Kimbly,
I am sorry that your husband does not seem to grasp the seriousness of your Fibrp. My wife also has Fibro and has suffered now for over 10 years. I do understand her fatigue and her painful condition because I have seen her deterioration over the years. I have witnessed her lack of sleep and the depression associated with it. I have seen her try every type of supplement, that I have researched for her, and seen it fail. I have seen gpr from a vibrant woman to someone who is in CONSTANT pain and never ever, not tired. You need to have your husband follow you around the house, observe you and keep him awake at night so that he can share in your insomnia. Ask him what he would do if every part of his body ached with pain 24 hours a day? Stop doing housework, I made my wife stop, she was working a FT job, then coming home to a cooked dinner and a clean house. Finally she is now on disability and I am thrilled to have her here, where she can sleep all day if she chooses or she can just relax and not have to work and suffer. Have your husband read THIS forum, it was an eye opener for me and I found it for my wife. Your hubby needs to wake up and realize that this is REAL, it has it's own diagnosis code and is no longer something that people can say "is in your head"! Have him accompany you on your next appointment to see your rheumatologist, so he can witness, first hand your exam and your diagnosis. If that fails, the please send me a private message, I will give you my cell number, you may call me and I will explain it to him. I adore my wife and it kills me to see how she has deteriorated over the past 10+ years. I would do ANYTHING to relieve her pain including taking it upon myself.
Good luck and I hope he finally get's it!!!
Chuck (husband of my wonderful Maggie).
Posted 1/14/2016 8:31 PM (GMT 0)
Chuck - You made me tear up. We all need wonderful people in our lives to support us!!

Kimbly - I hope you have shown or read to your husband some of these responses. I have a wonderful boyfriend (after two failed marriages) who really "gets it". He is great and lets me relax on the weekend when I need to. I also work full time and use the majority of my energy stores for that. I also have a wonderful mom who lives with me and is also very supportive. We all deserve that!
Posted 2/2/2016 7:04 PM (GMT 0)
Chck
You ARE such a blessing for your wife !!
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