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Lost a good friend and feeling like I'm flaring

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Posted 9/24/2008 8:05 PM (GMT 0)
Can you go into a flare from sadness? if thats true then I should be coming up on the biggest flare yet with the amount of sadness I am feeling.  The other day I went to walk to the grocery store across the street from my house.  To get there everyday I cut across the parking lot of the building next door to me,the same place my mom is now living a senior disabled apartment units.  Now right on the corner is the last apartment and it was there that I met Phillis about 3 years ago.  It started with a smile and her waving to me and slowly I built up to making her apartment a reg stop on my way to the store.  She was always sitting in her old wooden yard chair and most of the time had at least 2 ppl sitting on the bench near her visiting.  It didnt seem to matter that she was 25 years older then me.  She treated me like a friend and a daughter,always quick with a joke or advice and I really needed her talks while I was trying to get my mom moved in there and after during lots of yelling and fighting and tears with mom and I.  Phillis was tough too.  She was very independent and told me to tell mom to get off her high horse and realize what a good girl she had in me and stop taking advantage that there was no reason that she couldnt do for herself and was just having a pity party.

 

Phillis was right of course and it lead me to stop taking so much abuse from mom and forcing her to get out of the house and do things on her own(that and some support from here too).  Phillis and I shared a love of gardening and of grandchildren.  Her family lived far away so she didnt get to see her grandkids often but she took a shine to mine and I would always stop with them to say hello and she adored them and gave them cookies.  I never went into Phillis's apartment in the 3 years we were friends.  In fact I dont think many of her nieghbors ever went inside either as Phillis was pretty much a permanent fixture outside in her chair unless the weather was real bad.  Iv'e had days that were pretty bad as you guys have heard and sometimes it took all I had to just get out my door and take a walk.  But no matter how bad a day I was having seeing Phillis smile and greet me always turned it around at least for that time.  She always knew when I had something on my mind and had something comforting to say and always that tomorrow would be a brighter day,how could it not with all the gifts God had to offer?

 

So the other day i was walking to the store and noticed Phillis wasnt outside and her chair and bench had been moved a few apartments down to an old man named Ben's house.  He was a good friend of hers too and a frequent visiter.  I thought hm maybe Phillis is out of town for a few days and since Ben had several ppl sitting outside on the bench with him that maybe he borrowed it while she was gone.  Then on the way back I ran into Phillis's next door neighbor Gail.  She said hi but looked upset.  She then asked me if I heard about Phillis and my heart dropped.  I thought oh no was she ill?  And then Gail dropped the bomb on me that Phillis had passed away the day before.  I immediatly started crying and saying oh no oh no.  Jayson and I had heard the sirens of the medics that day but didnt think much of it as they were over there all the time with so many elderly ppl living there and alot of false alarms from confused old ppl.  But I knew then that those were the sirens for Phillis.  Ben had come knocking on her door and went inside and found her sitting up in her easy chair dead.  She had fallen asleep and her heart just stopped.

 

Jay saw me coming up our driveway and came running outside to see what was up and I just wrapped my arms around him and sobbed that my friend had died. I have been so upset ever since and my pain levels are through the roof.  Everytime I pass her place it is so quiet and lifeless and it reminds me that I will never see her smile and wave at me again.  I knew she was old but never thought about losing her and now all I can think about is the next time I hear the sirens are they coming for my mom?  I keep calling her to make sure she is ok and if she doesnt answer I take my key and let myself in to see if she is ok.  My mom just recently made some huge changes for the better,admitting that she was depressed and getting on prozac after 50 years of clinical depression and she also gave in on trying Lyrica and now at least 50% of her pain is gone so it turns out she probably had fibro most of her life and now she isnt taking so many narcotics and therefore not going around stoned half the time and in danger of falling like she had been.  So now that my mom is in a place where we can finally get along I am so afraid of losing her.  Mom is 3 years older then Phillis was.  I am trying to get over this fear and to just enjoy the ppl in my life while they are here.  Its so hard when someone is there day after day and then they are not and there is no going back.

 

Apparently there was not going to be any services for Phillis here as her wishes were to be cremated and her family was having that down here and then her ashes sent home for a memorial service so I didnt get a chance to say any goodbyes.  Now it seems that each day something else at Phillis's place is gone,it started with her chair and bench and now her plants are dissapearing daily with her friends coming and taking things.  I have thought about going over and retrieving the planter that I made for Phillis,part of me feels like I would have something with me that Phillis lovingly cared for and part of me feels its just morbid but I am sure that her family will probably have someone come to pak up her belongings and all her precious plants will be left behind.  I know it sounds silly to think so much about a silly plant but part of me too is afraid if that plant were to die in my care I would feel terrible all over again.  I think if this is how I react to a nieghbor dying how it will be if a family member goes.  I know when I lost my brother I completely fell apart and am thankful that my brother Randy will be helping me when mom passes and God forbid anything happens to him before that or I am screwed cause Jay isnt always the most able to deal with big things like that.  Anyways I was wondering about grief and flares and maybe just wanted to let you all know what a great friend Phillis was.

 

Take care,

Karen

Posted 9/24/2008 8:16 PM (GMT 0)
My deepest condolences to you, Karen. Losing someone is never easy.

I believe that your grieving can cause a flare, because when we are grieving, we are stressed and stress plays havoc on FM.

Be gentle with yourself. You need to go through the grieving process and in doing so, try to think of ways to comfort yourself.

My thoughts are with you,
Miriam
Posted 9/24/2008 8:37 PM (GMT 0)
Karen, I'm so sorry for your loss.  It is very, very difficult when someone dies suddenly.  That's how my husband went and the shock is terrible.  The ones left behind are the ones that suffer.  Phillis passed on the way I want to go.  She lived her life to the fullest every day, enjoying all that God had blessed her with, and then sat down, closed her eyes and left this world.  But, she is still alive and you can see her again one day.  It was these thoughts that help me get through the loss of my husband.

 

I didn't really flare after my husband's loss because I didn't have time to think about it, actually.  We were in the middle of moving and I had to continue with the move, since our home up north was sold.  I had other things to focus on and, as I've said recently, life goes on.  I did suffer some depression later on but no flares.

 

Since you didn't get to say your goodbyes, maybe gather everyone together in the neighborhood that knew Phillis and have  your own memorial service for this dear lady.  You all have wonderful stories to share, I'm sure, and it could give you closure. 

 

Since Phillis meant so much to you, perhaps take that planter you made and put it in a special spot that everyone could enjoy.  Maybe make a sign that says "Phillis' Garden" and keep plants in it during the warm months.  It would be like a little memorial for her and it might help you. You could even plant some tulip or daffodil bulbs in it now and, when the snow melts, they would pop up and remind you of renewed life. 

 

You said you were worrying now about your Mom.  Does worrying change anything?  No.  Will worrying make your fibro flare?  Yes.  We don't know what will happen in the future.  Your Mom could be here many more years and you would be worrying all of those years.  You need to stop that and just enjoy one another.  It's the precious memories that we make while loved ones are alive that counts.  And, when they do pass, you trust God that you will see them again.  That gives  you peace.

 

I hope you feel better.

 

Sherrine

 

 

Posted 9/25/2008 5:18 AM (GMT 0)
Karen,
I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like she was a good friend. I like Sherinne's idea to use the planter to remember her in the garden. We have roses planted for the people we have loved and lost. It is nice to trim the roses and think of them.
Best,
Sue
Posted 9/25/2008 6:07 AM (GMT 0)
Karen, so so sorry.  All you can do is try hard to just sit and relax and take extra meds, im sure your doc would help you with meds for a couple weeks or so.

Posted 9/25/2008 6:46 AM (GMT 0)
Karen, let me say first that I'm so sorry for your loss. It's hard when you lose someone that has played that kind of a role in your life. Any sort of elder that provides wisdom/guidance is always going to be someone that will have an amazing impact on your life. Not only because of the things that they helped you with but also when they are gone.

Yes, it is very possible that the stress of losing her has been what triggered a flare. When I lost my own mother I went into one. As I read your statement about how it was that you will have a hard time hearing the sirens again, it made me shudder. All of my life I grew up about 5 blocks from the local fire station. My mother continued to live there even after I moved out. With having grown up with hearing it all the time I never gave them a second thought.



Just now I started to write up what happened that dayI realized that I can't put it onto a forum just yet. Suffice it to say I had to call an ambulance/rescue. She never got up or came to. I had to call off the resuscitation as she had been down too long (19 minutes). I knew if they managed to get her back that she would not be the woman that I called my mom.

Still to this day if I'm driving through that neighborhood and I hear the sirens it brings tears to my eyes and I have the overwhelming feeling of helplessness that I couldn't save her.

For the next few months I was miserable physically. I hurt so bad I cried all the time from the pain. On the emotional/mental part of it I didn't cry that much because I knew how much pain she had been in and I knew that at least she wasn't hurting anymore. Things eventually things calmed down. Once the cremation was done and once all the "Are you okay?" calls stopped coming in from their friends and our family my stress levels started going down. It took a while, but yes, that fear of losing someone else will keep you stressed out.

I will admit after mom died I stayed on in their house for a while to look after dad. Periodically I would check on him while he was sleeping just to make sure that he was breathing. I was sure that something was going to happen to him. Both because of the fears that came from mom's death, but also because of how long they were married (40+ years). It's not uncommon that when one of a couple passes on that the surviving partner dies shortly thereafter.

Eventually my fears subsided and the pain levels eased. I'm sorry that this hurts so much right now, but all those things that she told you and taught you are still with you. Once I was done with the heart hurting from losing her I was able to start drawing strength from the things that she gave to me. When I think that I'm in pain at any point, I remember how it was that she pushed through. (She'd had fibro as well, blindness, along with severe neuropathic pain in the legs from complications from diabetes) I think about how it was that before I was even born that they had been in a car wreck that broke everything in the lower half of her body and how it was that she taught herself to walk again. She had been told that she would be in a chair and she was determined not to be. She was one tough broad. And that may sound coarse to say it that way but that was the way that she thought of herself.

Phyllis will always be with you and when you have those tough times, think to yourself, "What is it that she told me to do?" and I'm sure that her voice is still in your heart and you will hear that comfort and guidance again.
Posted 9/25/2008 7:17 PM (GMT 0)
I'm feeling better today. Finally got some sleep. I am thankful that I wasnt there when the medics where taking Phillis out and I do know she is where she wanted to be. Lol I can almost hear her saying "snap outta it Karen you got things to do". Our sun shiney wheather is gone and I think the cold and the rain makes things worse too. I heard it's supposed to be nice this weekend and i intend to take full advantage of it. I am going to get my plants ready for fall and winter and I will plant some bulbs for spring and maybe get some nice bright mums to lift my spirits now. I noticed today that I still have some small bright pink geraniums that Phillis gave me and before they die off I will take cuttings from them and put them in the house so I can root them and plant them in the spring. Bright pink reminds me of Phillis,her cheeks were always flushed when she satout on cold days and when she'd get excited about something. I want to thank you all for the nice posts but I have to say that Piercings ya really got me with the siren thing. Ya know I am going to tell you something that sounds really bad. The building that Phillis and my mom lives in has only 24 ground level units and it is hard to get in there. My mom had to wait 2 years. The place is on a huge piece of property with tons of flowers and shrubs everywhere and there is even a lil pea patch in the center of the back property that all residents can plant on. There is a nice clubhouse that you can hold family parties in,we did that for x-mas eve last year and once a week there is a free lunch there and they also have craft classes and such so very homey.


Every apartment is directly hooked up to the Fire Dept so with the pull of a cord they come running and they have a master key to get into any apartment. There is even a bright red light that goes off outside the apartment so it can be found immediatly and because it is a small community most of the tenents are close. So pretty much the only way to get a place in there is one of the tenents has to die or be put in a nursing home. With the sirens all the time the joke around the nieghborhood was when someone would hear the sirens and see the medics over there ppl would comment "new vacancy?" and I have to admit that after living here for 8 years I and Jay even made that comment before. Last night we heard the sirens once again and I said to Jay"well we now know that there really will be a new tenent and it isnt funny at all" Jay said "what are you talking about?" and I told him Phillis's place would soon be vacant and someday so would my mothers place and i couldnt believe that we had ever acknowledged when someone had made that comment and even went so far as to say it oursevles a few times. It wasn't like anyone laughed when it was said but just an off handed remark and I am apauled now at it. Every unit in there has someones mother or father or brother or sister or gramma or grandpa and always someones friend and I am ashamed if I ever took that lightly. It took a broken heart to learn that lesson but I know that Phillis would forgive me as I had told her about it one time and she laughed and said "yes but for every new vacancy here there is one less vacancy in heaven,so we all have a place to be". I hope that God leaves my moms spot open for awhile longer.
Posted 9/25/2008 7:36 PM (GMT 0)
Karen, we all say things without really thinking about it, so don't be so hard on yourself. 

 

You know, you have truly brought Phillis to life on this forum and that is such a testimony to her and to  you for your friendship to her.  She sounds like such a special lady.  (Notice I didn't use past tense!)  I'm so glad she was able to bless your life like she has.

 

Your Mom will probably live a really full life now that she has proper medication.  She will have a will to live and a zest for life, so I don't think you have to worry about her for quite a while.  Just really enjoy the times you have together.  The memories will be precious.

 

Sherrine

Posted 9/25/2008 8:30 PM (GMT 0)

So sorry to hear about your friend Karen-

What a touching story- and how blessed that you two had met. I do believe God puts people in our paths. I'm new to this fibro but I have already noticed weather and stress cause extra pain and I'm sure if I were sad that would too.

I think with Phillis passing it just reminded you that your mother is getting older also and that this may happen to her too one day.

You can have your own quiet goodbye to her- as simple as lighting a candle in your bedroom with the pink geraniums in a vase and talk to her. I have had to say goodbyes and wasn't able to be at the services (out of state) or had no services.

If you need us for anything, we're here for you- GamJill

Posted 9/26/2008 1:39 AM (GMT 0)
Karen, if nothing else, turn that comment around just like Phyllis did. When you hear those sirens, just say, "Well looks like there's a new occupant upstairs." And think about the fact that with moving into their new place, at least they don't have to unpack boxes.
Posted 9/26/2008 9:00 PM (GMT 0)

Ya know I did say my goodbye to Phillis today and it felt good and right.  Piercings,your comment about turning things around made me laugh and that was great and I thank you tongue I am feeling more like myself today,pain is down but dang the fatigue which usually isnt a problem for me is in high gear.  It's probably cause I haven't been sleeping all that great.  I ran out of my ambien cr and for the last 2 days I haven't had that to put my butt to sleep or keep me asleep when I finally did drop off.  Sure wanted to sleep in this morning but woke up to a messege on the comp with the hubby asking me to bring him some smokes so instead of crawling back into my warm bed I got to set off in the rain.  Downing coffee now to stay awake since it's too late to take a nap but got my refill finally so hopefully I will get some zzzzzzz's tonight.  Also Piercings, I know how you feel about the helplesness with your mom.  I didn't lose my mom but when she was living with me she had collapsed in the hallway and my dog woke me up and I found her and she wasn't breathing.  As I bent over her she gave out this sigh with bubbles coming out of her mouth and I knew that meant her last breath.

 

I did cpr on her and that time couldn't wait to hear the sirens as I was living way out in the woods.  I mananged to bring her around and she ended up on medications for siezures for some time but it brought back memories of another time this happened when she had a pulmanary embolism and collapsed on top of me while I slept in the bed her and I shared in this tiny apartment we were living in when I was in my early 20's.  I brought her back that time too and was thankful for the industrial first aide class I had takin but that dang stubborn woman was concious before the medics took her and she made me finish shaving her one leg with the electric razor before she would let them take her to the hospital.  I was like what the hell are you thinking lady!! but did as she wished.  She ended up in the ICU on that one and almost lost her life when she crashed at the hospital so it does worry me that I am not with her all the time in case it happens again and how would she even call for help.  Shes already had a close call where she is when she fell late one night in the bathroom and cut her head open.  So I get this call early in the morning saying I need you to come check my head.  She didnt call the medics instead she stayed up all night bleeding!!! and she is on blood thinner!!  I told her dont you ever be that foolish again. That took 4 stitches to close up.  There was a pull cord that she could have pulled right next to her and she didn't do it cause she thought it might be an unessisary bother.

 

She has a cord in the bathroom and one next to her bed so I pray if anything happens she can reach it.  I talked to the lady next to her though and she said that in the event she were to fall in the living room or anywhere else she couldnt reach the cord if she can get to a wall all the tenents know if they hear knocking on the wall to call 911.  Makes me feel better knowing that the tenents are trying to watch each others back and I know that where she is is the safest place for her to live on her own.  And she only pays $197.00 a month there on her section 8 program with free utilities so alot more money in her pocket and these are nice places,hers was just remodeled right before she moved in.  Heck, I wouldnt mind moving there cept for theres not enough room for Jay and I with all our crap but I do qualify with just being on disability,we would have to pay the full rent of 750 there but with free utilities it would even out.  Who knows maybe later since we live in a townhouse and the stairs are hard on me, we might have to downsize and move.  Well I got things to catch up on,one of them being laundry that I picked up from moms yesterday.  She said "Oh I just have a few things" and then a 13 gallon bag later I got to leave lol.

 

Take care and soft hugs,

Karen

Posted 9/28/2008 7:06 AM (GMT 0)
Karen, ummm...wow. You hit my sore spot on that one. That was pretty much how it had happened with my mom. When she went down I went flying up the stairs. I asked her if she wanted help getting up, she couldn't catch her breath but shook her head no. She looked at my dad, then looked at me, and them made a motion with her hands together next to her head like sleeping, and then she fell the rest of the way over. I dragged her into the bedroom and started working on her. I was grateful that I had all the training that I did. I worked on her the whole time that I was waiting on the paramedic crew to arrive. Just before they got there she aspirated, and at that moment I was pretty sure that she was not going to come back.

When the crew arrived I gave them everything that I knew to give, how long down, wha'ts been done, what medications, pulled her dentures, etc. They worked on her for about 20 more minutes and that's when I had to call it. Cause like I said, i knew even if they got the body back it wouldn't be her.

This is the first time that I've really told this story this publicly and it's still painful. I'm actually sitting here at work with tears running down my cheeks. Good thing that I have tall enough partitions that no one can really see me. But yes, after hearing what you had with your mom I know that you do understand that feeling of desperation. Still to this day I think that the sleeping hands next to her head was to tell us that she was done fighting.

Post Edited (Piercings) : 9/28/2008 1:20:11 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 9/28/2008 2:07 PM (GMT 0)
Piercings, I think your mother was trying to tell you she had, had enough. I do feel blessed that I was spared going through something like that with my parents. My dad died of cancer when he was 56. He suffered greatly but he was in a hospital. My mom died of a pulmonary embolism while she was in a nursing home recoverying from a fall.

 

I helped take care of my uncle for 14 mos before he died at almost 84. I went to check on him one Sunday morning and found him lying on the kitchen floor where he had fallen. Scared the crap out of me. He had an emergency thingy he wore around his neck, we got it through the VA. When he pushed the button it called the ambulance, my cousin's home phone and cell, my home phone and cell. He was okay just banged up and bleeding from some cuts that time. I did live with the fear everytime I went to check on him, if he wasn't sitting in his recliner where I could see him when I opened the front door, that I would find him dead or dying. He was a stubborn old man that wasn't going to give up living in his house. It was very stressful for my cousin and his wife and my DH and I but we were going to let him live the last of his life the way he wanted. He did die in a hospital. He was an amazing man.

 

Karen, I know it's stressful but all we can do is enjoy each day we have with someone. No one knows how it's going to end.

 

luv and hugs

Marlee

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