Am I selfish? Am I a bad mother?

it is so hard to have this dd when you're a mom to young ones, isn't it? daughter is 15 and so doesn't need me to do everything for her, of course, but i feel like i fall short with my 6 and 4 year old sons A LOT. i too want so badly to be able to play and run and get outside and do things with them, but most of the time i just don't have it in me. i also have to ask my dh for help constantly and it drives me crazy! i feel guilty and like i'm just not doing enough almost every day. he says he doesn't mind-that he loves me and wants to help-but i still get that nagging voice telling me that i should be taking care of things because i am the mother! (apparently my nagging inner voice is sexist...) i know all about the resentment when he leaves (especially when he's going off to do something fun!)..i know about the guilt and anger and frustration that comes with not being able to do everything you want to do.

anyway. i am really not trying to hijack this and make it about me, i just wanted you to know that i know your pain and i feel for you SO MUCH! you ARE NOT a bad mother! you are NOT selfish! you are NOT lazy! you are a young woman who has been stricken with a terribly exhausting, awful disease and you are doing the best you can with what you have. i am sure your dh understands. i am sure your son will understand as he gets older. they both love you. you are still wife and mommy, even if you can't do everything you want to do.

i wish i could articulate what i want to say a bit better...it's a foggy day today, though. just please know that i am here and i understand and i care. and i think you are strong and courageous!

{{gentle hugs}}
danielle

tiki,

you are definitely not alone! i am so sorry that you are going through this at 20, though. that just seems so unfair. i know how hard it is to be 35 and feel cheated, i can't imagine how much more cheated you feel..:(

i thought of some tips for you with regards to time with your son. my symptoms got really bad after i had my 4 year old and when i quite work when he was 10 months, i really had to adjust how i did things at home just to get through the days. i would collect several diapers, wipes, some freezer bags, a garbage can, little baggies of snacks, toys, books, etc. so that i would have most of what he needed right there with me so i didn't have to do the up/down up/down thing all day. i would play with him and read to him and watch nick jr with him so that he and i both felt like we were getting some good time in together, but i was still able to sit on the couch and rest. every couple of hours or so i would get up and pick up whatever messes we'd made just so things didn't get too out of hand, but other than that i would just rest and play with him. i don't know how i would have gotten through that time if i hadn't done that! also, on those days when i felt good, i would make dinners ahead to freeze (i still do this) so that dinner could be quick and easy when my dh got home. now my youngest is in preschool and is gone all morning-that helps tremendously-but i still do this type of thing now on my bad days..it's just the baby toys and squishy books have changed into super hero toys and pirate ships and longer books and board games! :) it still helps, though! i just wanted to suggest some of this in case it might be helpful to you.

also, i know the feeling of thinking that your family would be better off without you-my biggest fear is that my husband will get sick of this one day and want to leave. that scares the heck out of me because i love him and don't want to lose him, and also because i don't know how i'd get through the days without him. he tells me all of the time he would never leave, so i try to just trust in that and in him, but it's really hard. maybe this is because i've always been such an independent person and have a hard time relying on others? i don't know.

it's all really hard, i know. again, i am here and supporting you, as is everyone else! at least we have this place, right?

please feel free to email me if you ever need anything...i'll be thinking of you and sending you good, positive, energetic thoughts :)

{gentle hugs}
~danielle

You are not a bad mother, wife, or person.  You love your son, your husband, friends, and family.  You are tired and hurt and I really think it is just normal to feel the way you do.  I have three kids, 10, 13 and 15, they are older but still demand my time when I just don't feel up to it.  My youngest is such a little snuggle bug and you would think that someone wanting to show me love and affection would be welcomed but I have a lot of days when I wish she would just leave me alone.  I love her and feel awful when I wish she would hang on Dad for awhile.  There are so many good times that make up for the times when we can't really be there.  The house, I live in a mess most of the time.  It's a clean mess but a mess because I just can't keep up.  I have learned to accept the mess (most of the time). 

My husband has really taken care of so many of the household duties and I think maybe I rely on him to much.  The guilt is always there!  I think all we can do is make the best of what we have.  Some days we need to push ourselves and some days we need to curl up in our comfy spot.

Don't be so hard on yourself!  

Meggie

Hi Tiki,

I am sure that when your husband goes back to work, that you will be able to handle it. We seem to find strength when we least expect it. Your instincts as a mother will take over. You might have to go a little slower than most, but you will be just fine.

It has to be so hard being a young mother with fibro. But it is clear to me that your son and husband are happy. That is what matters. Try not to be so hard on yourself. I know, easier said than done. I am the same way. But my husband never complains, he is so helpful and when I least expect it.

You are a good mom and a good wife. I know that your family loves you and supports you through these difficult times. Give yourself a little credit. Take it one day at a time and KOKO. That is all that we can do. You are doing the best that you can. Enjoy the special moments and make memories.

Luv and hugs, Karen

omg kitty - I can't IMAGINE what it must be like to have a little one. My kids are 34, 25 and 22 - I've I'd just had fibro for about a year now. I can't do my job full-time anymore, and motherhood is a full-time job, so what would a person do? You are a real trooper for doing as much as you can. Hang in there and be gentle with yourself!