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Posted 1/6/2009 10:22 PM (GMT 0)
Hi all

 

My daughter turned 18 last September.  She is and always has been a GREAT youngen.  She always made good grades, has worked since she was 15, pays her own cell phone bill, insurance, and car payment.  Like I said...has always been great til now.

 

She quit college..or should I say took some time off cause she was burnt out working 2 jobs and trying to do school.  Which i understood and she promised she was going back next fall.  I was fine with that.  She and the guy she was dating broke up after a 3 year on and off again relationship.  Iwas happy about that. 

 

Now theproblem...she has met a new guy...yay!! Now I know she will finally be over the other guy.  But now she is wasnting to stay pout all night and hang out with him because he does not get off work till 11:30 in the evening.  Saturday night she did not come home til 5am...she said that they got to talking and lost track of time.  I believed her cause I remember what it is like meeting the new guy and all the newness of it.  Also she has ALWAYS been good about calling.  There would be no problem with that but my hubby is one who will wait up no matter what time.. actually he falls asleep on the couch and waits lol.  He usually tho has to be at work by 6am every day...so it's a little hard on him when he stays up that late.  I talked to her about it and I thought everything was going to be ok but then the very next night she was out til 2am.  I tried to talk to he rthe next day and she got defensive and said I'm 18 and it's not fair to me that I cannot do what I want.  Ok it just elevated from there to me telling her...my house, my rules, don't like it leave.  I never wanted to have to say that to her. She is my only kid and I don't want her to leave.

 

Question is...what have you all done when things like this has happened with your youngens?  I don't know what to do to keep from totally alienating her.

Any advise would be appreciated.

 

~Missy~

Posted 1/6/2009 10:33 PM (GMT 0)
My only advice is probably not too helpful. But when kids go to college, they live weird hours and they never want to go back to normal. I've tried calling my kids on their cels when it's too late, 3 am.? Usually they will come home then. But they are technically adults and need to learn (To their detriment) that late hours cause trouble. Wish I was more help. Good luck. Diane
Posted 1/7/2009 4:14 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Missy,
Yiiikeesss! I have the "perfect" daughter as well. She is 23 now. She started working at 15 too and saved and bought her own car. She is also very hard headed and was very disciplined with her studies. But as far as relationships, Uff Da!

She is living with me right now and I still feel that way sometimes. But she has learned to communicate with me. I know its hard to just push them out, but you have the right just as much as she thinks she has the right to do her on "thing" just because she's legally an adult. I can only stress to keep communicating with her. If she gets to defensive I wouldn't be surprised if something is going on relationship wise with her new bo.

My daughter had a crappy relationship (in and out) with a guy a couple years back just b/4 she graduated college but I really had to try hard and step back and let her figure some things out for herself. I was always their when she need a shoulder. She actually refers to me as her best friend. Cool! I couldn't say that about mine. Way to different. After she moved in with this last boyfriend, put it this way, she only left for 4 months. It was hard, but I knew it would probably end that way. I never said I told ya so either.

Well I don't know if this will make you feel any better, but just keep the communication open with her. Let her know your hours of the household and if she don't like it then change the locks. Good Luck!

Hugs, Lori
P.s. My daughter pays rent to me by the way...... :-)
Posted 1/7/2009 4:30 AM (GMT 0)
When my sons turned 18 I told them they were adults and that I did not hve to impose restrictions on them as long as they respected our home.

fortunately, they were boys. However, if they were spending the night at a friends house they would let me know. I was too sick to stay up and wait for anybody. Being a single parent, I had to rust them.

They did not get into trouble and in fact, were very responsible.

Now, I have my youngest at home, a duahgter. She is not 18 yet. However, she might be cufew free also. I do trust her and I hope she does not date jerks. She has pretty high standards for men so far but has not had a boyfriend. The one thing I did tell all of my children was that boyfriends and girfriends were not allowed before the age of 16.

This worked. Two delayed dating and one must have taken a girl out on his 16th birthday.

In our case, my children grew up differently because they were homeschooled and because they had a single parent. My being disabled while they were growing up caused them to realize how sometimes, we have to care for people.

I tried my best with the resources, energy and love I had to rear my kids. I hope they never have relationships with terrible people. But then, I was the one who married an alcoholic. Oi vey.

We get the from birth to 18 and then see thier attentions turn elsewhere.

I hope for the best for your family,

Donnaeil
Posted 1/7/2009 12:41 PM (GMT 0)

My daughter is 16 and was fine until she met this guy a couple years older.  We always talked and close.  But basically hours ect same aas what you were saying she ended out all night.  We were starting to come down on her buy making her clock in regularly by texting us so at least we knew, but her tafe studies were suffering ect, then thank goodness he found someone else and gave her the flick by texting.  She moped around for couple weeks but now I have my old daughter back as what is installed as young I think always returns. All you can do is try keep track of the now and try put some rules even semi useless ones as it still gives some sort of control.  luck with it.    sue2z smilewinkgrin smilewinkgrin

Posted 1/7/2009 3:30 PM (GMT 0)
I used to be the same way. Honor roll, dean's list, etc. When my ex and I broke up when I was 23, I had to go back to living at home...ugh!!! My mom did the same thing. She made me feel bad for having a life by saying "You know I can't sleep until I know you're home safe". She wanted me in by midnight. I ended up moving out and getting my own place within a month. I just couldn't take it anymore. She may just need to get her own place. I didn't leave my mom's because I was mad, but more because I knew I had to have a life if I wanted to get over my ex and because I didn't want to make my mom worry if I was out late.

Is there a chance she could get her own place? My apartment is within 5 miles of my mom. I talk to her about 5-10 times a day, honestly. I think being out on my OWN (not living with ANYONE at that time) really improved our relationship because I had to be responsible, but she's always there to give me guidance.
Posted 1/7/2009 3:45 PM (GMT 0)
In my opinion.......

You have issued her an ultimatum. Continue living as a teenager or leave my home so I can not give you support as you learn to be an adult.

She is in the transition to adulthood and it is wise to teach her how to act like adult.....but you must treat her as such. We ALL make mistakes and most of us learn from them. She will make mistakes and you need to be there to help her learn from them. If she leaves your house because she wants to be an adult you lose that opportunity. Allow her to be an adult in your house even if you might have a few restless nights.

Posted 1/8/2009 8:18 PM (GMT 0)
I'm 20 years old and still living at home when I'm not off at college in Maryland. My mom and I have had our disagreements, and I think we will continue to do so as long as I live here. She drives me crazy with all her rules and curfews and everything. The thing with us is that she doesn't care where I am or how late I'm out if I'm with friends. But if I'm just with my boyfriend, she has to know EVERYTHING. She's lightened up a little because we've been together 18 months now, but it's still obnoxious. She LIKES him, too, it's not like she thinks I'm with a bad guy!

Anyway, we young people like to be able to enjoy the new-found freedoms of being adults. The fact is, though, that if your daughter has always been such a good child and teenager, she is probably a responsible person. My mom and I are the same way - she thinks I'm a great kid and I know that she and my dad did they best they could raising me and I don't think they did a bad job. The difficulty comes in not only trusting your children during this transition, but in trusting yourself that you raised them right. My mom worries all the time (not openly, but I know) that she should have done things differently with me. But I'm a good kid. I don't drink or smoke, and even though I stay out late it's at the homes of people I know. I break my curfew (2am) all the time but I try to never be more than an hour late (and sometimes I'm up to an hour early). My parents don't stay up but mom's a light sleeper and always knows when I come in.

At this point in your daughter's life she wants to make her own decisions. If they are bad ones, she will learn from them. Certain limits are necessary (she IS still living in your house) but it is time to have faith that when she is faced with important decisions, she will make the right choices. The fact that you are so concerned proves that you have been a good mother to her. Young women want to be friends with their mothers, and they rely on their moms more than they or their mothers realize. I'm sure she doesn't want to upset you, she just wants you to let her get away with more. Setting a specific curfew is probably a good idea. We unreliable young people work best with specifics. She'll probably hate it for awhile like I did but you get used to it. I respect my parents and everything they do for me (admittedly, my parents pay for everything for me) and I don't want to upset them. It'll take awhile but you'll eventually reach a compromise that will still probably stress you both out but not as much.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope my perspective was not unwelcome.

-Sandi
Posted 1/9/2009 12:51 AM (GMT 0)
If he doesn't even get off work until 11:30, an early curfew won't help much. She will want to spend a few hours with him so that takes you to after 1:00 at least. You can't stay up that late waiting for her every night and if she calls to tell you she'll be late, she'll wake you up late anyway.

Our solution was to leave the hallway light on when my daughter was out. She turned the hallway light off when she came in. I could see the light around my door but it wasn't enough to bother my sleep. Whenever I woke up, I could look and see if the light was still on. If it was off, I could roll over and go back to sleep. If it was on, then I could choose to worry. She only forgot to turn it off once. It was a compromise we both could live with.

Please try to find a compromise you can all live with. If you worry about her so much when she lives with you, imagine how hard it will be when she's on her own and you have no idea where she is, possibly for days at a time. You don't want her moving in with this guy right now just so she can be with him.

Terrible as it sounds, if something bad happens to her, someone will call you. This I also learned the hard way but that's another story.
Posted 1/9/2009 1:16 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Meg,

It sounds like you got a lot of good advise on this question. It must be hard to be at that age where your daughter is growing up. It is almost too much to bare. But it is a part of life and a wonderful transition. I know that you will be able to handle it. One day at a time. These guys have pitched out some good ideas. I wish I had some for you, all I can say is to keep the communication open as much as you can. And let her know that you trust her.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen
Posted 1/9/2009 1:18 AM (GMT 0)

We have 2 daughters & kept the same rules for both.We told them we would appreciate it if they could be home by midnight. If not, just to give us a call & let us know that they would be late or not home at all, so we didn't worry all night. We also let them know to call us if they got to drinking, no matter what time, or where, and we would come and get them. We told them we would rather have them safe then have to lie to us and try to drive home.

It worked with both of them. We were very lucky. Yes, we had a few phone calls to go pick them up because they had been drinking, but instead of getting upset, I was actually proud and happy that they trusted us enough to call. It really brought me closer with my girls. I know they didn't tell me everything, but there were many times that they would ask me if they could talk without me getting angry. I always told them the truth...that I would try to not get angry and think before I said anything. 

 It is so hard to keep your cool when they go out at all hours and you have to sit home and worry. I think that just magnifies everything and when we are scared, we get angry. Maybe if you talk to her and let her know that the reason you try and make rules is because you love her and want her to stay safe. Like the person earlier said, keep communicating & let her know that she can come to you with anything. Try to set a curfew that both of you can be happy with. (we didn't really set one with our daughter's when they turned 18, just told them we would like them to be home at midnight. I think later somehow it got changed to 2:00 a.m.)

Oh well, sorry to ramble on like this. I wish you luck with your daughter and hope you guys can settle your differences so everyone is happy!

Hugs!!   Margie

 

Posted 1/9/2009 5:02 PM (GMT 0)
It's hard at that age. I didn't have fibro when my three sons were growing up but I have grandchildren I am responsible for. My grandson is now 21 so I have no say about what he does and the less I know the better off I am. I do know when he comes home on breaks from school he becomes nocturnal when he gets together with his old high school friends.

 

I have a 19 yr old granddaughter that is now 26 weeks pregnant. She graduated high school a year earlier than most and couldn't wait to get out on her own and go to college. All was going well til she got pregnant three months into a relationship. The plan was for her to finish junior college this year and transfer to a university next year. Obviously that 's not going to happen now. It wasn't like we hadn't had the sex talk about 100 times. You can only teach them right from wrong and to be responsible for their actions and the rest is up to them when they turn 18.

 

She has always worked, sometimes two jobs and is really mature for her age.  She lived with two other girls til the end of Dec. She found a room close to work that she has been living in for the past few weeks cause it is too far for her to drive to work from our house everyday in bad weather. She will be moving into an apartment the first of Feb and it does scare me to death for her to be living on her own where she doesn't know anyone 45 minutes away from us. We have talked about all the safety issues when she is out by herself since she left home. At this point in her life all I can do is pray everynight for her safety.

 

For all you young women that don't get why your parents worry about you so much when your out late, just wait til your a parent and you will find out why. smilewinkgrin

 

luv and hugs

Marlee

Posted 1/9/2009 6:17 PM (GMT 0)
Oh, Marlee, isn't that the truth? I remember hearing "wait until you have children of your own!"...but truth be told, that is so true! My son is 36 and over the past ten years, he has shared some thoughts with me, from admitting he now goes to bed at 9p, because he has to be up at 6a -- he always teased us to death over that one -- to now, him having a 6-1/2 year old son, and my son is beginning to remember all the things he did as a youngster. He wasn't a bad kid, by any stretch, but like to have fun. Of course, he had his moments. My son lived with us until he went away to college, at 17, and then he spent summers either backpacking through Europe, paying for it himself, or renting a place near the school with a bunch of his friends. He did come back the summer after his freshman year and from the moment he walked in the door, we were at each other. I realized that I had to hold back, that "our rules" no longer applied, as far as soming home at a decent hour. I agree that once they go away to college, that is it. Then again, it depends on what you want. I wanted him there, I wanted to be able to spend some time with him. To me, that was more important than his walking in at 3 am and waking everyone - well, we have dogs that woke us...LOL
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