Let's help our dear friend Tyno

Hi Tyno,

I hope this is ok, but I noticed your post in the "ARG! I'm so sick of hearing things like this!" thread, and I don't want what's going on with you to get lost in that other thread. It really sounds like you have WAY too much on your plate right now and I really want to be here to support you in any way I can, just like I'm sure everyone else here wants to, too.

So I'm going to cut and paste your and everyone else's posts here-I hope that's alright with you and the others.

Please know that I think all you've done for your father is AMAZING and I am really ticked off at your family for acting the way they are! You are sacrificing so much and such a cost to you and your energy-you should be applauded by your family for what you do! This reminds me so much of what happened in my hubby's family last year when his great grandma was so sick. All these people who supposededly loved and cared for her so much turned into money grubbing a****** who fought over every aspect of her care, her property, her money. Only one of her kids and his wife took the time to truly care for her, and all they got was slack from everyone else. There's a whole group of them who are still not speaking to each other because of all that happened and I just think that is the saddest thing.

Anway, we luv you hon and hope things start to go a bit better for you soon!

Sue's reply:

Statgeek said...
Tyno,
What you are doing with dad would be difficult without fibro. I cannot imagine how you are doing it with fibro. Can you get some help like respite care or something? You need a break!
Sue

Tyno:

tyno3 said...
Thank-you Patti, and Sue: My Dad is in a seniors home as of three weeks ago. He is 25 minutes down the road. Tomorrow, I pick him up, drive him the fifty miles in to see his wife, pray there's no snow, since my car dropped it's rear end, and is nearly useless in snow. The problem with the sibs and their outrageous demands is, because I have listed the nasty wet mouldy falling down Farmhouse, and the 35 acres it's on, my brother, in particular is furious. He is demanding I stash/store/ save all kinds of the folk's stuff for him, is furious I am selling the farm, insists I am being sneaky, going behind his back (I guess I was supposed to ask his permission, although I certainly don't, I was appointed POA, before Dad became so ill). Also, the bank is fixing to foreclose, he is in New York doing his own thing. I was supposed to pay both mortgages, keep two households running after the nursing homes took all of both parents money, on my $740.00 a month, plus pay for ambulances. They had 7 ambulance runs in the past six weeks between them, Dad and stepmom. Where is the money coming from for all of that? So, after keeping two places going, from Sept. till January, I have hugh debts to clear on parents behalf. My brother is being incredibly self-centered and non-caring and somewhat out of touch with reality, I say. The nasty communications from him, I mean nasty, scolding, accusatory, are tearing me apart. He is accusing me from 1500 miles away, of stealing, when what I am trying to do is meet the needs of two aging seniors. Myy Dad was just diagnosed with a brain tumor, size of a golf ball, my brother is screaming bloody blue murder and I am in the most pain I've been in in several years b/c of the stress. I still have to keep going, I have to get Dad to doctor's appointments, make sure bills are taken care of for two parents in two different nursing homes, am doing the absolute best I can do, and do not need to hear any further from him. This stress is worse than living with a Grisley Bear who kept trying to run machinery at 7 AM, thinking he was doing farmwork to take care of us. When will it be over?

Miriam:

MT Lady said...
Oh I can so relate. Five years ago, my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. At the time, she was in an assisted living building, for active seniors. It was one mile from my home. She had lived there for 14 years. Once diagnosed, the next year was pretty difficult. Since I lived the closest of my two other sisters, my mom would call me at all hours of the day and night with ridiculous issues, like her TV broke and I ran over there, only to find the batteries removed from her remote and stuffed under the cushion of her chair and she would deny having done it. At first, I thought she was doing it for attention and then realized it was the disease. She was forgetting to take her meds, things like that. One day, she double dosed herself. After that, we had someone come in and give her the meds twice a day, which she resented so much, it was a nightmare. Phone calls, arguments, constant stress. She asked if she could live with me and I said of course. I moved her in and she lived with us for one year. It was the most difficult year of my life. My husband wasn't thrilled with the situation, we ended up in counseling over it. And I ended up with all kinds of health issues from the stress. I tried to get my two sisters to help out, but they were too busy with their own lives. When I couldn't do it any longer, I found a good nursing home just 10 mins from my house and the day before moving mom there, one of my sisters said she's take her and mom has been there for 3-1/2 years. She has a second floor of her home where mom lives and we have an aide with mom six days a week. On Sundays, me and my other sister take turns picking up mom for the day. Neither of my sisters speak to me, because they both feel I don't do enough. They think I should also be taking my mom on some Saturdays and weekends occasionally. I can't. I gave up so much of my health, I know I just can't. It takes everything out of me to spend 8 hours with my mom, she is so needy now and it is emotionally so painful to watch her fade away. Neither of my sister's understand what I went through for that year. This has completely torn our family apart. We don't speak, and my sisters were my best friends for most of my life. A very sad story.
Miriam

I think I did that right? I hope it's ok..

I'm sorry, Marlee, I had some issue with your font and colors. Not sure how to fix that!

Please keep us posted on how you're doing when you can, Tyno.

{{{{{{hugs}}}}}

Thanks for starting a new thread, Daneille.

Great advice Sherrine!!!  Anyone else out there with any ideas how to help??

Hope we can find a way to help Tyno.  This seems to be a big issue, for those/us who have aging parents.

Warm hugs,

Tyno,

I was in a similar situation about 8 years ago with my dad. They found a mass on his brain that turned out to be cancer. He actually had lung cancer and it had spread to the brain. He was still able to walk and lead a pretty normal life at first, but the doctors only gave him 6 months to live. Dad went to his lawyer and gave me power of attorney a week later.

Before he got worse, my brother and I talked to him about selling the farm and moving to the senior appartments in town so he would be closer to everyone. It was an older farm house that needed alot of work. Half the time he didn't have water. It worried us that he lived out there by himself and we knew the day was coming that he wouldn't be able to. Dad agreed and decided to just auction everything and he really loved the 4 months he lived in town. He was the kind of person who loved to talk and visit and he got to do that. He was very happy in his new home and I know he wished he had moved there years earlier.

When things got too bad, my husband & I moved him into our home and had a blessed year more with him. It was such a hard time, but my sisters made it worse. They were upset with my brother & I for letting the house go to auction. They were mad because they thought the house should stay with the family. (Before deciding to auction the house, my dad had asked my brother if he wanted the farm. He wanted my brother and his wife to move out with him and then take over the farm when he was gone. My sisters had the guts to go out and complain to him that it wasn't fair, so the house went to auction)

I had never been so mad. To me, that was my father's home and if he wanted to give it to my brother, then that was his right. It was touch and go for a few years until things blew over, but I still think about what a terrible time it was.

So sorry this is so long. I wanted you to know that I understand what you are going thru. I was the one who took care of dad, ran him to appointments, fixed his meals, etc. All thru this time and after, I had to put up with angry sisters who were more worried about the money they might lose than helping with dad. My brother helped all he could, but he worked too many hours, so was just able to come visit once in awhile.

You are doing a wonderful thing for your dad & his wife. I understand why you would be so stressed and upset. Is there any other family or friends that might be able to help you out a bit? You need a little time for yourself to relax and think about yourself for once. Things will get better and one day you will be happy that you were the one to be there for your dad and his wife, but you also have to not over do!

I will keep you in my prayers that you have the strength to do what you need to do and that you start feeling better! Prayers for your dad & his wife too!

Hugs!!  Margie

When I read these stories it just floors me that people put more value on material things than relationships with family. When my dad died I wasn't quite 23 and my brother wasn't quite 25 and the day of the funeral he backed his van up to my mother's front door and started loading everything he wanted of Dad's, I mean he was going through our mother's house room by room and taking things. Mom, my sisters and I were all still in such shock over dad's death I don't think it even registered what he was doing at the time. Yes, he took things that I would have liked to have had but the one thing that he couldn't take was the memories I had of the last few weeks of Dad's life. When we found out the cancer had gone to Dad's brain I came home to spend the last few weeks of his life with him. I was at the hos every day in time to feed him his dinner, I would rub lotion on his feet that got sore from the sheets, I would brush what little hair he had left, he really like that, and I would talk to him. So I hope that all the material things that my brother took, that he probably doesn't even have anymore, has brought him the pleasure that I got out of the last 5 wks of Dad's life.

 

My mother was a revengeful person and totally cut my brother out of her will.

 

The way I see it if there is anything in my house that my sons or grandchildren want they can have it now and that is that much less I have to clean or store.

 

luv and hugs

Marlee