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Just when I think my husband understands....he does or says something to let me know he doesn't

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Posted 5/12/2010 11:37 PM (GMT 0)
Grrrrrrrrrr

Just when I think my husband understands about my fibro he says or does something that shows me he still just doesn't get it.
I've had fibro for a while (officially diagnosed 3 years ago this month) My long journey with pain, I finally for the moment am pretty of with my
pain management, but I battle with fatigue like crazy. Well, for the last two weeks I've been going non stop with work every day and no rest on the weekends (first week my Aunt passed and we ran around doing stuff for the prep for her funeral and the funeral itself, this past weekend husbands family came over for Mothers Day, which meant me running around Saturday, then a migraine set me back, then entertaining) So at this point, I am beat, I come home every day and have to rest and then struggle to get some sort of dinner cooked and spend time with family to go to bed and the whole routine starts again. I just think sometimes that (especially now since I don't complain about pain as much) he thinks if I'm not intense pain, then I am normal. I don't know how to tell him that normal is gone, a thing of the past. Sorry I just had to get it out, and no one else understands unless you have the robbing disease.

Thanks
Posted 5/12/2010 11:54 PM (GMT 0)
Oh, I know exactly what you mean. Since I've been on this new medication and have pretty much been moving around more, my family thinks I am back to normal. It's like they have already forgotten how bad I was. I am not back to normal and I don't think I ever will be. Do I feel alot better? YES, very much so, but I am not near back to normal. I still have achey days. They are not near as bad as before since starting the meds, but I still ache, which gets in the way of some things I need to do. No one will ever understand what we go through unless they experience it.
Posted 5/13/2010 12:09 AM (GMT 0)
Oh yeah - I hear ya!! I've been diagnosed for 18 years, and my husband still doesn't get some things. But at least he believes me, I just have to remind him, "No, of course I can't carry that bag of old bank statements to the garage! Duh!" It's a lot easier now that we don't have little kids...now I just do what I can, and if anyone doesn't like it, well - - have at it!
Posted 5/13/2010 2:28 AM (GMT 0)
My husband can seem like he doesn't understand at times, as well. I think part of it is a man thing. I wouldn't let it get you too down. Just sit him down and tell him that even though you are in less pain, that doesn't mean you are the way you used to be. You still get worn down easily and you still hurt. It can be trying to get our families and friends to understand that even when we feel better we are still not normal. When I am having a good day, I tell my hubby that, and he gets that the next day might not be good. It might be normal or worse. I understand your frustration. Hang in there and just try to talk to him. If you never even try to talk to him about it, then he really won't understand. Good luck hon. Hang in there.
Posted 5/13/2010 5:28 AM (GMT 0)
I agree with Sassy...Sit his hiney down and politely explain what your life is like on the inside, even when you don't complain. Simple!??...Not really. The words are simple but it's hard to choke them out some days. Speaking for me...it hurts my heart and soul to say "I can't do that any more" or "I hurt to bad" or "I'm sorry you have to put up with this".

Hubby does understand and is in support of those who live with this kind of pain. But he's human! It would wear thin to hear some say these things constantly and know it's never going to end. One day I did ask him if he's rather I not say how I was feeling or would he prefer to know even if I'm repeating myself. He said he wants to know. But...it can't be easy. If our roles were reversed I'm not sure how strong I could be. It just hurt so much to see him like this.

Just a few things to think about...but do have a conversation with him over a nice dessert.
Chutz
Posted 5/13/2010 1:07 PM (GMT 0)
I think that our spouses just forget. If we smile, or do things that are exspected of us they just assume we are ok. I know just yesterday I was telling mu husband just how bad I felt. I felt guilty for burdening him. I shouldn't feel that way but I do. I think we don't like to ask for help cause we think we should be able to do it all. As women and mothers we take care of everyone else. I just wish we knew how to take care of ourselves.

I hope that you are able to talk to him. You have been so busy and need the rest and he can help give that to you.
Posted 5/13/2010 6:02 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, for now I gave up saying exactly how I feel.  I do have major fatigue and pain but because I can still unload 500lbs of feed / grain out of my van and into the barn he figures I'm OK, unless I have pulled my back and can't walk LOL.  He expects me to work OUT of the house 6 hours a day and still have dinner on the table the minute he walks in, yea right.  do laundry, spotless house, (never in a million years) open the koi pond, plant the huge garden (that he tilled last year) AND still have time to spend with my dogs having fun then there is their cleanup.  Something has got to give and it will probably be me LOL.

I am sorry hopeful that I can't give any advice but I am in my own quandry, so to say.   I feel better just typing that out.

Posted 5/13/2010 7:53 PM (GMT 0)
It's the old "you don't look sick so how can you be sick?'

I'm lucky, my husband is really understanding, I actually wrote down how I felt and he read it and couldn't believe the pain and fatigue I have every day. I feel bad because he actually has a broken neck right now and he feels bad that he can't do more for me!

And my sister totally undertands because she has a worse case of fibro than I do.

I also tend to put on a good front, I dress up every day for work and go out trying to look like a million bucks (sometimes I look like a sticky old nickel though! LOL) But on the weekends, I spend Satruday lying down for most of the day, don't have a choice after 5 days of work. I have a friend coming over this Saturdaya nd we are going to color our hair, I'm looking forward to that part but scared I'll get so tired I'll have to lie down.....

You take care! Maybe if you kicked your husband in the shins really hard and then made him walk around after keeping him awake for 3 days straight he might get it!
Posted 5/14/2010 12:16 AM (GMT 0)
Yeah, I know what you mean, I don't do anything fun anymore because I prefer not to. I live in a messy, dirty house because I like it that way. Right.
Posted 5/14/2010 12:55 AM (GMT 0)
LOL Acheybody,

I know exactly how you feel about the dirty house. I was sick for over a year and neglected my home. We recently moved, and as we were going through everything, I couldn't believe how much I had "let it go". It's hard to except that I was so sick, that I couldn't even clean my house, or wash clothes, or do anything most days.
Posted 5/14/2010 1:44 AM (GMT 0)
It took awhile for my husband to "get it." Women are keener observers. My friends can
tell if I am having a good day or a bad day even if I'm wearing a smile. They say they can
see it in my eyes.

In the past my husband has sprained ankles playing tennis, so have I. I explained to him
that having fibro is like an allover body sprain, then he seemed to "get it."

Taking care of ourselves is important so we can take care of the ones we love!

Hugs, Robin
Posted 5/14/2010 2:48 PM (GMT 0)
OMG - the dirty house! I can't even bear it anymore. But I can't do anything about it! I wish I had money so I could hire someone to clean it for me. I know it's not the msot important thing in the world but shen my surroundings are neat and clean, my frame of mind is much better.

It's all I can do to go to work 5 days a week and come home and lie on the couch.

I hate to always be atlaking about money because it's not like money will help Fibro go away but if I had it, I could have massages, hire someone to clean my house, maybe work part-time so I wouldn't be so exhausted and stressed about having to be here every day.

Hopegirl - try writing down exactly how you feel and make your husband read it. Maybe he'll get it then.
Posted 5/14/2010 8:25 PM (GMT 0)

Suzboop said...
It's the old "you don't look sick so how can you be sick?'

I'm lucky, my husband is really understanding, I actually wrote down how I felt and he read it and couldn't believe the pain and fatigue I have every day. I feel bad because he actually has a broken neck right now and he feels bad that he can't do more for me!

And my sister totally undertands because she has a worse case of fibro than I do.

I also tend to put on a good front, I dress up every day for work and go out trying to look like a million bucks (sometimes I look like a sticky old nickel though! LOL) But on the weekends, I spend Satruday lying down for most of the day, don't have a choice after 5 days of work. I have a friend coming over this Saturdaya nd we are going to color our hair, I'm looking forward to that part but scared I'll get so tired I'll have to lie down.....

You take care! Maybe if you kicked your husband in the shins really hard and then made him walk around after keeping him awake for 3 days straight he might get it!

I'm laughing at the kicking him in the shin!!! I wouldn't do it, but it did make me laugh. I know he understands when I am telling him at that moment if I hurt, but after that, its out of mind, out of sight I guess
Posted 5/14/2010 8:31 PM (GMT 0)

Yeah, I'm with you all to on the house!!!

I don't like it either, it's pretty clean because husband will clean if I don't but of course I always had to hear it. When I was really sick with Lyme, it was not as bad, but because I'm up smiling and going to work every day, its like oh you must be feeling good

Heck no, but what is my alternative? If I don't work, our mortgage will not get all paid along with all the other bills. My husband makes more than me, but still not enough that I don't have to work. All I can do is work the 5 days a week and come home and lay on the bed or on the sofa. I'm so glad its the weekend. And that I'll be camping in 2 weeks from today in our new camper!!! Well, not brand new but new to us!!! That is what is keeping me going these days.

Posted 5/14/2010 9:53 PM (GMT 0)
Men don't understand women even when they are healthy.  So, it's especially difficult to get through to them.  They don't realize how hard housework is either. 

 

I was fortunate that if I asked my husband for help, he dug right in and helped me.  He knew I was in pain but they don't have a clue how much pain you are in.  And how could they?  They aren't experiencing it.  I do think they care a lot about all of you but may be having a hard time expressing it. 

 

Be thankful that you have them by your side.  Fibro can be especially difficult when you have to do everything by yourself or you have to pay someone to do things.  Not fun at all.

 

Sherrine

Posted 5/14/2010 10:33 PM (GMT 0)
Sherrine,

I agree. I am very blessed to still have my husband by my side. It was really rough for a while and he had to do everything.. He worked, cooked, cleaned and did things for our daughter. I'm not sure I could have done all of that if the tables were turned. I used to HATE cooking, cleaning, etc. Now, since I feel better, I LOVE doing it for my family. I never thought I'd ever say that either, but when something is taken from you like that, you cherish it more.
Posted 5/15/2010 2:42 PM (GMT 0)
I have the same problems, hah look at me I look just fine so there is nothing wrong with me I am crazy! I can do all kinds of stuff I look fine. If they can't see it they don't get it. When they are told something they do not want to here it goes in one ear and out the other. I have Fibro, Autoimmune Hep with Cirrhosis, Fibrosis of the liver, thyroid,
skin conditions, and a whole host of other things. Does he think I like laying around the house that no one cares about except me, NO I would rather be my old self and do all the things I used to be able to do. Men are visual
if they don't see it they don't get it. My husband is like a rock no feelings.
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