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Posted 7/15/2010 2:17 AM (GMT 0)
My grandfather will be 107 this month.  I am 64 and his first grand child.  He has lost 8 of his twelve children, two in the past four months.  I hardly know him.  My mother left home when she graduated high school and never looked back...I have only seen him a handful of times and  probably will never know why my mother (she passed away four years ago) remained pretty much estranged for most of her life. (except from her only sister).  He still lives alone, and has only been to the doctor for treatment once in his life....he got dizzy and fell off a ladder in 1994...ear wax.  His only drug is a baby aspirin once a day. He was married to my grandmother for 84 years and I understand this is going into the Guiness Book of Records. I found all this info out from a cousin I have stayed in touch with for many years.  She called me the other day and wants me to call him, as another one of his sons died two weeks ago.  I told her he could not possibly know who I am but I would make the call.  One of my uncles answered the phone and said my grandfather 'was busy eating lunch'.   Hmmm.  Okay...called again and one of his DIL's answered and said he was 'out in the yard'.  I do not want to call again, yet my husband is pressuring me to make the contact as 'how much longer can he live?'  I said there is a you tube video of him tap dancing at his 106th birthday party and he will probably outlive me.  Just got another call tonight from my cousin.  'Did you call grandpa?'  I told her yes but was not permitted to talk to him.  'So keep calling until HE answers the phone."

Geez Louise.  I know this has nothing to do with fibro but the daily pressure is aggravating.  You know what aggravation and guilt do to a fibromite.  Well, yes.  It DOES have something to do with fibro.  I am a people pleaser and obsess over the most ridiculous things, which causes unnecessary pain.  BTW...found out through my cousin that neither of two people that answered the phone even told him that I called.

Do I keep calling or just forget it?  I am sick to death of the pestering.  Furthermore, what on earth do you say to someone you haven't seen or spoken to in 25 years????

Owie

Donna

Posted 7/15/2010 2:35 AM (GMT 0)
Well, Donna, being a people pleaser myself (and knowing WELL the burden this is!) I empathize with your position. I guess what I'd say is: weigh your options. Do YOU want to talk to him - does he mean anything to you? And if you really don't think it would mean anything to him, why put yourself through it?

On the other hand, if your cousin is anything like my SIL, it could be more of a stressor to not call. (She is so aggressive, and so always-thinking-she's-right, that I've pretty much limited my exposure to her for my own health and peace of mind.)

Achey
Posted 7/15/2010 5:30 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Donna, I'm really not sure what I'd do in your position. You must feel torn about
what you should do next. You have made an attempt to talk to him but was not allowed
to speak to him. Is he able to read his own mail? Maybe sending a card with a short
note could be the first step and then decide where to go from there. You will have to
decide what will give you peace of mind in the long run. Some decisions are never easy.

Wishing you peace my friend:)

Hugs, Robin
Posted 7/15/2010 12:20 PM (GMT 0)
Yes, Robin, he can still read, hear and could out run me to the mailbox.  I suggested writing a note to him to those who are pressuring me into making contact and was told it was not  'personal enough' but I may do that anyway.  He has about a hundred grand, great, and great great grandchildren so who am I in the cosmic scheme of things?  I didn't even hear anything from him when my mother died.  (the family never even told my grandmother my mom died until she was on her death bed herself).

 

Not going to worry about it anymore.

 

Huggies

Donna

Posted 7/15/2010 1:46 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Donna I totally agree with Robin about the note. That puts the ball in his court if he wants to have contact with you.
Gentle Hugs
Shirley
Posted 7/15/2010 2:40 PM (GMT 0)
If you had nothing to do with him for all this time, that part of the family may think that you are trying to make contact because you think there is inheritance involved. I have seen that before, where someone goes around only when they thought the person was dying. I would leave a message with the members of the famiily, tell them why you are calling. I'm impressed that he is still able to get around at that age, man I wish I was that healthy, lol. Once you tell them the reason for your concact, maybe they will let you speak to him. Does he live anywhere near you? Maybe a personal visit would be better. I would want to know the secret to his health, lol.
Posted 7/15/2010 3:18 PM (GMT 0)

Okie...he lives in Ralston Oklahoma...is that near you?  I think it's near Stillwater and Pawnee...not sure.  I live in Central NY...quite a long haul!  The University of Oklahoma is doing some kind of genetic study on him as we speak...only ONE visit to the doctor in 107 years???

Donna

Posted 7/15/2010 3:36 PM (GMT 0)

Donna, ignore those people who say a note isn't personal enough!

 You do what is right for you! yeah

Hugs, Robin

Posted 7/15/2010 6:48 PM (GMT 0)
That's not far away at all from where I am, less than 100 miles. I'm sure we will see something on the news on his birthday......and I agree, a note would be great.
Posted 7/15/2010 7:04 PM (GMT 0)
Donna,

I have 2 suggestions. Have this cousin contact your gf and tell him you have been trying to contact him and the 'enforcers' haven't even let him know. I would also send a little note/card to let him know you're thinking of him, if you want want to do it.

I would also wonder why your mother left and never bothered to contact them again. It seems very extreme and perhaps she had a very good reason for endings things. If you haven't had a great feeling yourself to contact him, maybe you should go w/ that.

As a young child, I stayed w/ my maternal grands, till they and my parents had a falling out. Didn't see them again till I was about 15 yrs old. My gf stepped over a line, it ruined any sentimental views I had of him. My mother could never see this about her father. I didn't bother to see him again, until he passed away - 2 wks before I got married. My mother was very upset that I wouldn't go see him in the hosp. She has never gotten how upset I was by his behavior. I went to his funeral FOR my mother, nothing more.

Donna, I am not prying, pls don't think that is my intent. I just meant there may be a reason, he hasn't even contacted you all these yrs. Bottom line, don't let anyone push you to 'connect', do what is comfortable for you.  You don't need to answer to anyone, cousin or not.

I wish you the best.

God bless.  Alice.

Posted 7/15/2010 8:02 PM (GMT 0)

Thank you all for your suggestions.  I am going to send him a birthday card with a picture of me, my sons and their children...that's it.  Not that he even knows any of them exist, which is why the pressure I have been put under about this is ridiculous.

Alice...something similar happened with my mother... I don't want to know the details.  I had wonderful paternal grandparents that I cherished...that's good enough for me.

Huggies

Donna

Posted 7/15/2010 9:37 PM (GMT 0)
Donna, you've made a good decision there.  It will make you feel better and you are doing what YOU want to do...not what your cousins are telling you to do.  If they continue to bug you, remind them that you are an adult and you are not their child.  You will handle things the way YOU see fit.  Stand up against the harrassers.

 

Sherrine

Posted 7/17/2010 12:51 AM (GMT 0)
Hi think you found the perfect compromise on this! I back your decision 100%. Good for you.

They have no "right" to pester you do so anything else, by the way.

I too am a people pleaser, so I get exactly what you mean about how painful this all is. Wish like crazy that I could get over this pleasing issue. I'm always working on it - maybe someday I'll beat it. It sure would make life better all around.

Wishing you good things.
*hugs*


vestabula said...
Thank you all for your suggestions. I am going to send him a birthday card with a picture of me, my sons and their children...that's it. Not that he even knows any of them exist, which is why the pressure I have been put under about this is ridiculous.

Alice...something similar happened with my mother... I don't want to know the details. I had wonderful paternal grandparents that I cherished...that's good enough for me.

Huggies

Donna

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