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Fibromyalgia and marriage

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Posted 8/16/2010 11:34 PM (GMT 0)
My seven year marriage ended nearly a year ago.  I have mixed connective tissue problems including fibro, lupus in the skin and stomach paralysis.  My husband and I decided together for me to file for disability, however within a couple of months he became very resentful toward  me.  He has struggled with depression and anger management issues for the 10 yrs I have known him (although he is in denial about this).  I consulted with several counselors about his behavior - they all referred to him as psycologically abusive and because of his threats to go on a shooting rampage they advised me to leave the house.  When I did leave the house - he gave the ultimatum of coming back right away or get a divorce - I chose divorce (at that time I had built up a wall so the harsh words he spoke would not hurt so much - unfortunately it caused me to grow very cold toward him).  I'm very fortunate that my family has taken me in.  Has anyone else out there experienced anything similar in your marriage/relationships?  I am a Christian and according to Focus On The Family 75% of marriages end when there is a chronic illness.....I want others to know, I share your burdens, you are not alone. 
Posted 8/17/2010 1:19 AM (GMT 0)
Hi LIVNLEARN,

Welcome to the fibromyalgia forum. I am so happy that you have joined us. Some of us are fortunate enough to have partners that understand our pain. Some of us don't. Which really makes it a lot harder to cope.

I am sorry that your marriage ended as it did. But now you can start a new life, as I hope that you already have, and be happy again.

That is a sad statistic of relationships such as marriage ending because of chronic illnesses. But I guess not everybody is capable of dealing with them, being for themselves or their partners.

Keep posting as there are so many kind and compassionate members who do understand what you are going through and if they don't, they surely have enough compassion to let you know that they care.

Take care,
Hugs, Karen
Posted 8/17/2010 3:51 AM (GMT 0)
Hi LIVNLEARN, I am so sorry that your marriage ended up the way it did but it sounds like maybe it was better for you to get away from that kind of treatment. My husband has Multiple Schlerosis and we end up taking care of each other. My fibro has always allowed me to be the main caregiver but now I am facing lung cancer and Chemotherapy starting on Thursday and he has been so supportive of me during this time. I am a christian also and I will be praying for you to have strength during this time. Never be afraid to vent your feelings here or ask questions. We have a great bunch of very compassionate people here.
Welcome to our family
Gentle Hugs
Shirley
Posted 8/17/2010 4:41 AM (GMT 0)
Hello, Livnlearn, welcome! It sounds to me like you didn't have a choice about getting out. It's too bad, but you are obviously a strong woman and we are all here to share eachother's burdens.

Debbie
Posted 8/17/2010 7:32 AM (GMT 0)
Hello Livnlearn and welcome ... It sounds like it was a touch situation all the way around and that this has given you the opportunity to begin a new llife without the abusive treatment. I am sorry about your marriage. I have been very lucky or blessed that my husband is completely understanding of my illness and has been taking care of me for several years. I worked and he took on the raising of our children and the hours as when I made it home all I could do was sleep. Right now is the time that is going to show how strong or weak our marriage is as I was the main breadwinner and now I am not working and thus far SSDI has not come through either. He has the financial load and I am still in so much pain that when he's home he is burdened with all the running of the house. We are doing well so far but you never know what the stresses of life will bring. I completely understand how a marriage could disenegrate under the pressures of chronic illness.

I would do what you can to take life and pull it to you. Enjoy your new possibilities and don't look back. You can't change the past anyway.

Hugs
Steph
Posted 8/17/2010 3:12 PM (GMT 0)
Sending you hugs and keeping you in my prayers.

I'm divorced as well and my Fibro played a huge role in that.
My husband said it was all in my head and that I was basically just boring and lazy and had no ambition.

I'm sorry for the he*& that your husband put you through and that you are going through.

I'm glad that you have family that is supportive.

Sending you big hugs and prayers .

AFter my divorce I found out that I was alot stronger than I gave myself credit for.

And I'm sure that you have found strength as well and no one should tolerate abuse of any kind.

Also my last relationship of almost a year ended because of my fibro.

When we first started dating I was very upfront with this guy.  Told him all about fibro and explained it to him and even gave him stuff to read.

He was very understanding and said that he would not have any trouble with it and it wasn't an issue.

But in the end...it was.

Keep your head up and keep on going.

God will give you the strength that you need.

Hugs and Blessings!

Posted 8/17/2010 3:37 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, Livnlearn and welcome!  Yes,  you made the right choice.  You should never stay in an abusive situation...even verbal abuse.  It can be a dangerous situation.  I am a Christian, too, so I do know how difficult that decision must have been.  I'm glad you are away from him now.

 

I was married for 28 years before my husband passed on.  I started getting sick when we were married for 4 years.  I was fortunate that we loved each other and he just wanted to help me however he could.  But I didn't lean on him.  I'm very independent and so our lives weren't totally disrupted.  I'm sure that helped my situation.

 

There are a lot of wonderful, compassionate men and women out there.  My male neighbor got sick with a virus but was misdiagnosed.  By the time they figured out what was wrong, he was a quadraplegic!  He had a darling girlfriend and she still married him.  She works full time to support them then comes home to take care of him and get him in bed and gets him up and dressed in the morning before heading back to work.  That's what love does!  They have been married 21 years. 

 

So, don't give up hope of finding that special someone.  You want someone who marries your for what is inside of you, not what you can do for them.  Remember, you are a very special person that happens to have health problems.  That doesn't make you any less of a person but actually makes you a much stronger person and a more compassionate person!

 

Be sure to check out Fibro 101...the first thread on the forum.  There are links to good info about fibro and you will learn a lot there.

 

I'm so glad you found us and joined in.  I know my response to you was a little detailed but I was reading more into your question.  Anyway, don't hesitate to ask more questions because we are here to help you.  Hope to hear more from  you soon.

 

Sherrine

 

 

Posted 8/17/2010 3:48 PM (GMT 0)
oh, I am so sorry to hear about what happened. I am a Christian as well. I can't pretend I know what you are going through, but I know divorce is hard on anyone. Your situation must have been so difficult.... I will be praying for you and also praying for your ex husband as well that he can get the help that he needs. God is with you and He does have a perfect plan! It may not always make sense to our finite minds. That is such a blessing that you have your family to lean on. Do they understand your illness?

I'm glad you found this forum. Everyone here seems to nice and supportive. I and still waiting on a diagnosis, but I feel like my symptoms match up with Fibromyalgia. I have already experienced how it can affect a marriage. We have not been intimate in forever and it is starting to make me nervous! But i think if a couple has a strong enough love for each other, then lack of intimacy shoudl not tear the marriage apart. It sounds like you made the right choice according to your situation.

Gentle Hugs!
Kellie
Posted 8/17/2010 10:11 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you all for your encouragement.  It feels great to actually connect with other people that I can identify with.  Thank you for sharing your own stories - my heart goes out to each one of you - as you are facing your own challenges. 
Posted 8/17/2010 11:33 PM (GMT 0)
Welcome, Livnlearn

You've found a great place for support. These women (and a few men are here, too!) are really understanding. It is a safe place to be.

You did the right thing by ending that marriage. It had to be hard to do, but it was the right thing. Your ex needs help, but that is his problem, not yours. I hope you will find a way to trust again. It can be very hard after something like that. While it may be true that serious illness can harm a marriage, I would also think that the statistics on ANY sort of marriage are a little scary. So don't let the illness factor cloud your view over the future. Finding a person with the right kind of heart and mind is possible and does happen. Those of us who pick scary men, however, have to be careful because we tend to repeat it over and over, not recognizing the warning signs of such men. We can learn to recognize the traits though - increasing our chances exponentially at finding true happiness in the future with a good partner. Maybe I took too big of a liberty in adding that part - possibly I'm projecting about myself - but I just want women everywhere to get the best chance at happiness and believe in themselves.

*hugs*
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