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OT - the ties that don't bind

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Posted 8/27/2012 5:26 PM (GMT 0)
I just have to vent, though this has nothing to do with fibro, at least not directly.  Thanks for understanding.

To make a long story short, last night I googled my uncle.  (Sounds strange, but it's the only way I have to keep tabs on my extended family on my dad's side.)  Only 1 cousin, his daughter, ever stayed in contact, and about a year after my parents died, she just quit, also.  There was his obituary, right there on the computer screen. cry He died in January.  O U C H.  I felt like I'd been punched in the gut.

I just don't get it!  How can people be so cold?  There must be bad blood between our families that I don't know about.??  My extended family, on both sides, is tiny, and this is a huge deal to me.  I have all these things running through my head that I want to write to her.

Any insight would be appreciated, because I feel like the most clueless person on Earth right now.  

Debbie     

Posted 8/27/2012 5:50 PM (GMT 0)
No. It is just sometimes, people don't think. The extended family is outside of the communication cycle. When they don't talk periodically, things like this get dropped. IS it right? No.

Also, people make their own connections, which become their family. When you are outside that bubble, sadly, the ties holding you become weaker, more elastic. It sounds as if, on their/her part, at least, the cord just didn't snap back.

It might have been something, or everything, or nothing. If I were your cousin, a nice note saying you just heard of the death of the uncle, and are sorry of her lose will open the door to more communication, or not.
Posted 8/27/2012 6:33 PM (GMT 0)
Achebody, maybe talking with us will help your frustrations some. Sometimes putting it on paper and not sending it, helps also. My father pass away this year and I know we probably forgot people. When someone passes away, your mind is all over the place trying to figure out funeral plans. Everything goes so quick. I am sorry for your loss. I hope you can forgive.

Why don't you give them a call after things have settled. You might be able to reconnect some family ties.

Post Edited (ak angel) : 8/27/2012 12:36:29 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 8/28/2012 1:05 AM (GMT 0)
Yeah, I know people are in their own worlds and all - but it's been 8 months!

The thing I didn't mention is that our families always got along great, although we didn't see them often because we lived far apart. My dad and I flew across the country to attend his sister's (Kristy's mother's) funeral...she also flew here to see my dad when he was dying, just 4 years ago. She said she'd rather come then than afterwards. The last thing she said to me was, "I love you," and we sent a few emails shortly afterwards. So just exactly when the change happened, I don't know.

Anyway, Myself and Angel, I do appreciate your responses. I'll get over it, because life is short and I don't need the bitterness. But I haven't decided whether to say, in my note, simply that I'm sorry for her loss, or (also) that I'm hurt because I care...we'll see.

Debbie
Posted 8/28/2012 10:29 AM (GMT 0)
Awww I'm so sorry for your loss. It hurts when you feel as though family has left you behind and gone on to other things...I agree with the others, a card and condolences,see if that opens any doors. and I agree with you, you don't need the bitterness. Gentle hugs
Posted 8/28/2012 10:55 AM (GMT 0)
Oh, boy, do I know how you feel.  I was very close to my aunt and uncle (mother's sister) all my life.  They lived in the same town and we, as a family, were together a lot.  They adoped a child and I took care of her, too, until I went off to college.  When I moved to Florida they would come here every year for a week and we had such wonderful times and a lot of laughs.

 

My aunt passed on in 2001 and I missed her terribly but stayed in contact with my uncle as much as I could.  Since I couldn't hear on the phone we didn't talk much but I wrote him and sent birthday and Christmas cards, etc.

 

Two years ago I was working on my genealogy and wanted to find the exact year of his birth for the family tree.  I did find his birth date along with the year of his death on Ancestry.com!!!  He had been dead for two years!  What a shock.  Their daughter, who never stayed in contact to begin with, couldn't find it in her heart to let me know her Dad died.  She knew how close we all had been.   Boy, was I angry!

 

It's so sad that families do this.  With families scattered all over the country...even the world....these types of things are happening more frequently.  Also, some people are quite selfish.  I was not only extremely upset to hear he had passed on but was also upset with my cousin for the way I had to find out.  I know you feel the same way and I'm so sorry you had to go through this too. 

 

As far as insight...I have no suggestions.  I never contacted my cousin.  She is about the last person I want to talk to.  I've forgiven her but don't want to be around her.  I do have many wonderful memories of my aunt and uncle, though, from my childhood on.  They actually lived with my parents, brother, and me for a while when I was very young!  They were a huge help to me when my husband died and I'll be forever grateful to them.  

 

Sherrine

Posted 8/28/2012 11:18 AM (GMT 0)
So sorry about your uncle, Debbie. Yes, it's sad communication breaks down.

The worst I heard was a few years ago when my cousin, who lived with his elderly dad, never told his own sister that their dad had died!  She found out the day of his funeral!  There's just no excuse for that.  Really pathetic.

Posted 8/28/2012 12:49 PM (GMT 0)
Debbie, so sorry about this situation and my sympathy to you on the loss of your uncle.

My dad's family is much the same way. My grandparents live 5 blocks away from me and have never met my youngest daughter who is 5. Their choice. I've invited them over, sent pictures (which come back "return to sender" in my grandmother's handwriting...)

Sometimes a riff in a family carries on so long that people forget what the riff was about. Have you tried to reach out to them? It's so hard to be rejected, but sometimes the rejection is the only way to have closure.

I'll be praying for your situation. It's so sad. :(
Posted 8/28/2012 3:07 PM (GMT 0)
Debbie, I'm so sorry you had to learn of your uncle's passing this way.

Your anger is understandable. In time you may be able to forgive your cousin...holding on to anger can be so emotionally harmful to you.

I don't wish for you to hurt anymore than you already do, my friend.

"I will fill myself with love, and I will send that out into the world. How others treat me is their path, how I react is mine."

Hugs, Robin :-)

Posted 8/28/2012 3:15 PM (GMT 0)
Sorry to hear about your loss:(

The only thing that I can say possibly in their defense is that when someone loses their parent or spouse, that they are so emotionally overwhelmed that things can get lost in the shuffle. Like trying to notify everyone by phone, email, FB...whatever....it may be passed on to another relative to do this task while the person is trying to grieve and handle all the arrangements for the funeral.

Obviously that doesn't take away the hurt that is caused by you not knowing....but as mentioned....people fade away from each other's lives at times and sometimes it is more about a misunderstanding. Like you think she stopped communicating....and she possibly may have thought that you were the one that stopped communicating to her.

My personal suggestion is to just write a nice and caring note about how you feel for her because of this loss and that you wish her well. I wouldn't put anything about you being upset in a condolence note. I would just try to let that go and be the bigger person by just loving them...faults and all:)

I have shared my story in other posts about how my brother and I found our father after 31 years...He left when I was 5 and I didn't have a single memory of him...To condense the story....I decided a long time ago, through God's love, to forgive him and that if we ever found him alive that I would start fresh and give him nothing but love.

The day I met my dad for the first time....he ran out to my car and embraced me in a long hug with us both crying. He has tried to apologize but I have said that it's not necessary. The past is over...I want to spend whatever time we have (he is 76), being happy.

We now talk all the time...we tell each other we love each other....and we get to visit a few times a year. Forgiveness is an amazing process because it freed ME from holding on to anything negative and allowed my dad to see God's love through me:)

Sorry about the religious references but I am just speaking for myself...not trying to push at all.....

Post Edited (Snowbunny21) : 8/28/2012 9:20:28 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 8/28/2012 6:12 PM (GMT 0)

What an amazingly supportive group you all are!  You've helped me more than you know.  I've decide to just send a sympathy card, plain and simple, as so many of you suggested.

Myself, I agree that people forget a lot of things when they're grieving, but I personally can't understand forgetting a 1st cousin for 8 months!  Oh, well...I'm not her.

Angel, I did write some pretty angry things that first night.  But I think you're right, I'm not going to send them, because what's to be gained by it?  I can't guilt her into caring.

Linnikay - hugs right back to you - ( )

Sherrine - such a painful story.  I don't know if I could have forgiven that at all, since your families were so close and you even took care of this cousin.  But I'm glad you could, for your sake.

Luvzminis - now that's really incredible!  Your cousin must have had some huge grudge against his sister!!  I really don't think I'd ever be able to forgive that one.

Mommakiki - wow, not the way we expect grandparents to act!  My hat's off to you, for having come to terms with it.  With them living 5 blocks away, especially, it's got to be tough.  (In answer to your question, I did reach out to this cousin after she quit responding.  I asked if I'd offended her in some way, and asked for copies of pictures she'd taken of us together while she was here - nothing.  She is, though, the most giving one in her family: none of her siblings responded at all when my parents died - so I guess it's all relative, no pun intended!)

Robin, I LOVE that quote!  So true - we do largely make our own path.  That's one I'm going to repeat to myself daily. 

Snowbunny - what an uplifting story!  You forgave your dad and because of that, now you have a real relationship with him.

Debbie

Posted 8/29/2012 2:08 AM (GMT 0)
I think it is best to assume of the best of people. I like the idea of a simple note, and don't expect anything back. People aren't the best at letter writing these days I've noticed. I blame Mark Zuckerberg.
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