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The Loss of Libido and Fibromyalgia

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Posted 9/21/2012 6:33 PM (GMT 0)
I hesitate to bring this issue up because it seems like I am a selfish spouse who doesn't care about the pain and other symptoms that my wife has.

That is not true.

However, sexual relations are a vital part of a good marriage, and our marriage has very little of it. We have had sex approximately ten times over the past three years.

Is this a common problem with others of you who have fibromyalgia?
Is it more of a problem because of the meds my wife is taking?
Or is it unrelated?

THIS is the biggest problem that I personally deal with. I feel like I should suck it up and be thankful I have my wife alive, yet it is not so easy.

I can answer any specific questions regarding her meds or symptoms if necessary.

Thank you for your help. You may either save a marriage or at least make it better if you can give me some help in how to improve this area. And yes, she knows it is a problem.

Members, when responding, please remember we have young people as young as 13 on these forums.  Thanks, in advance.  I really don't want to start editing!   turn  

 

Sherrine 

Post Edited By Moderator (Sherrine) : 9/21/2012 1:59:26 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 9/21/2012 7:48 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, James.  You don't have to worry about your wife dying of fibro.  It is not a terminal illness.

 

We do have to be careful on this forum.  We are a family friendly forum and have young people as young as 13 on here so this isn't a topic we generally discuss.

 

Medications as well as pain and fatigue play into this situation.  It's not something she can turn on and off.  I'm sure she is doing the best she can and hopes you understand.  That being said, have you see a marriage counselor for this?  There might be more going on.  I had my good days and my bad days but I sure didn't have THAT many bad days as what you are telling us your wife has! 

 

I know my husband dealt with my fibro and also the fact that I have an ileostomy and our marriage was never in danger.  We loved one another deep down.  Some needs weren't taken care of as much as we would have liked but he loved me no matter what and he did understand what I was going through....as much as he could.

 

I will suggest that you read Fibro 101...the first thread on the forum.  There are links to good info about fibro and you will learn a lot there.  Good links for you are called A Thorough Explanation of Fibromyalgia and also Doctors Respond to New York Times Article.  This might give you an inkling what your wife is going through.  This might help you understand better.

 

I do hope she will come on this forum.  We could try to help her and we really do understand what she is going through since we are going through it too.

 

Sherrine

Posted 9/21/2012 7:58 PM (GMT 0)
James, sorry to hear about your issues. That's great you're standing by your wife.

I don't know what exactly your wife is experiencing but just to let you know if it's leg pain she's experiencing, there are stretches she can do to help that.

My fiance and I agreed early in our relationship that if something went amiss in that regard in our relationship we would be fine with it. I believe there's much more to a relationship than making love. We need to do all we can to make our spouse happy. But I also believe that we need to do all we can personally to help ourselves.

I wish you both well.
Posted 9/21/2012 8:52 PM (GMT 0)
James...since you just posted the other day about sexual abuse. I wonder if there is a connection as I have heard that many times there is a delayed response to abuse and can happen when people are in their 30's and 40's....

So, with that thread and this one, I would still strongly suggest that your wife meet with a therapist (Psychologist or Psychiatrist) and let her have a safe place to talk about all these issues...

And then when she is comfortable....you can go with her to the counseling to work on anything that you all need as a couple.

As far as Fibro itself...it's really different for everyone. I not only have Fibro but have had 3 spinal fusions and am on some pretty strong pain medications due to those issues, not the Fibro....but I have never been affected negatively from the meds.

As well as for me, enjoying "activities" with my then spouse was something that I absolutely loved to do because it actually helped my pain to release endorphins...

Just like daily exercise...it is so important along with healthy eating...those not only help our pain levels but our emotional health as well.

So...as Sherrine mentioned....having you both read the Fibro 101 to give you a lot of good information...and encouraging your wife to come on here as well so that she can talk with others going through similar things might be good.

I believe that with any health issue....it's important to always look at the physical as well as the mental aspect of things.

So...I hope that you both can find the help you need to get her Fibro better managed so she can start enjoying her life more which in turn would help you as well!.
Posted 9/22/2012 3:03 AM (GMT 0)
Yes...I don't know if its the fibromyalgia itself, or meds to treat it or both. But yes, not even remotely interested. My bf has stuck around for a couple years, not sure if it will last tho.
Posted 9/22/2012 7:23 AM (GMT 0)
James, I think your question is appropriate. I struggle with similiar symptoms, but they have got better. Medications, fatigue and pain play a huge role in our desires. Medications are probably one of my biggest culprits.

I was wondering does your wife feel bad about this situation? If so, seeing a therapist or psychologist might help. I was able to share this with mine and it helped. I felt bad because I know how important it's in a relationship. So I tried my best to make some changes. Things such as not over tiring myself for that day I wanted to be intimate. My husband would get mad because if I could go out or clean house why couldn't I give him some time. So I decided to rest on times I wanted to be intimate.

James, I use to get very upset with my husband because I wanted him to just love me the way I am. All I wanted him to do was hold me in bed and not think about other things. I just waned him to hold my hand and love me that way. She probably feels bad that she can't as intimate as you want. I remember those days and still have them.

As my health got better, I am doing better in this department. Lol
My husband has changed a lot. He has realized if that doesn't happen in a long time it's ok. He has learned to show his love for me in other ways. He just started kissing me as soon as he gets home now and hugging me for no reason. I am really enjoying it.
He is looking at the picture in a whole different way now. I am loving it. I am trying to do my part to.

I hope you can see what I am saying. Just love her in her good and bad times. Hold her and watch a good movie together. We never asked to have this painful syndrom. I do understand where your coming from. I hope things work out for both of you.
Posted 9/24/2012 7:12 AM (GMT 0)
AK angel sounds a lot like me. My hubby and i have learned that there are days when if he even holds me, i hurt.
We are very different people in every way imaginable.He is a morning person, i am a night person for example. He grew up in a family that was very open about sex and i was not, so that complicates our problems in that area.Like everyone on here, i have bad days and some days are better.
I have often told him, he deserved someone that could do and be what he wanted. We had only been married 8 months (to the day) when we had a very bad motorcycle accident that may have caused some of my problems if the the theory about traumatic events is true. So we have dealt with this issue for a very long time. We celebrate our 30th anniversary this Dec.
We try to schedule in advance for "our time". Sometimes even that does not work out because of my pain. But one thing....when everything is working in our favor, the wait can be worth it.
BTW, it took him some time to understand that my heart was always willing, just not my body at times. So make sure your wife knows you know that.
Posted 9/24/2012 8:01 PM (GMT 0)
From SB: "As well as for me, enjoying "activities" with my then spouse was something that I absolutely loved to do because it actually helped my pain to release endorphins..."

Yep, it does.

I think a large part is how we look at ourselves. In other words, low-self esteem, feeling unattractive, feeling not-sexy... these matter far more in these issues than (IMO) pain.

A partner can do a lot to help remedy the feelings of non-sexiness and feeling inadequate. Communication helps.
Posted 10/10/2012 2:41 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the many responses. It helps to hear others who have the same issues.

For those who asked, yes, my wife has had extensive counseling for her past on two occasions. While this may be a problem, I don't think this is the cause of her low libido. She says she just doesn't have interest.

And I doubt she will come here to post. She never likes posting and writing as I do. I have always been the one who looks for answers by research. It has worked because I pass along info to her when I find something that may help. Lately I have not found much. I will read Fibro 101. We have both read a number of books, but this may give us new ideas.

I do think that her pain does keep her from enjoying intimacy. She does enjoy hugs and some kissing, but the actual act is not of interest very often. June was the last time. And scheduling time would never work as her past abuse involved being told ahead of time when it would happen.

Currently, she is overweight and it bothers her. She also doesn't exercise as much as she could because of a foot surgery. This should get better, but weight has always been a big problem for her. She will eat properly for awhile and then revert back to bad habits. I tend to be much more disciplined than her in these areas, and it is frustrating for me to see her not be more disciplined.

Deepwell, than you for your candidness. People on forums can be "cruel" even if unintentional due to the anonymity. I have felt it many times when posting this story on different forums. Most people don't understand fibro, and I end up defending my wife without getting answers. Or I end up defending my very manhood! lol If you can PM me any ways that you got in the mood, then perhaps I could somehow entice my wife to get in the mood.

If anyone has info they can PM me which is too explicit to post here, then I am definitely looking for ways to get our household a bit warmer! :)
Posted 10/10/2012 7:35 PM (GMT 0)
I am going to be careful of how I put this, for the sake of the children on this site. It is a joint effort to come up with, uh, other ways. It works for us, also I take a pain killer before we tango.
For example, the position we sleep in.

For exercizing perhaps, swimming.

Mods, sorry I don't know where the line is or not, so I was trying to be as vague as possible.
Posted 10/11/2012 12:16 AM (GMT 0)
Even without Fibromyalgia, men are like microwaves and women are like crock pots. Think about that and then think about how eager YOU are to engage in (ahem) when you've had the flu. Frankly, sometimes it's like another task we have to do, and that ruins pleasure and makes it like an obligation. Resentment sets in, = libido shut down.
Posted 10/11/2012 3:38 AM (GMT 0)
If she is taking any antidepressants they might also reduce her libido. Some of the meds we take for fibro can do that. She might talk to her doctor or her gynecologist.

I know better than to go four months because my husband would be impossible to live with. I think this would be a good issue for the two of you to discuss with a marriage counselor. She has issues she has dealt with and you have needs. Somewhere in the middle there is a place for your marriage to survive.

Yes, there are times when I'm not in the mood, but I believe that marriage is all about compromise. Sometimes he isn't in the mood to give me a back or foot rub, but sometimes one will lead to the other! Especially if he gives me a back or foot rub without any expectations of one in return.
Posted 10/11/2012 9:11 PM (GMT 0)
I agree with the above poster. Antidepressants could be the issue if she is on them. For me libido has never been a problem. When having flares, I get frustrated because I cannot do the things I want to do. I have very little energy. My partner has dealt with depression his whole life. His antidepressants really help, but they decrease his libido. For a long time we played this game of he is ready and I am not, I am ready and now he is not. But having intimate time was important to both of us. We both put forth effort and it always worked out.
I agree with others, I think you both should see some sort of counselor who can help. I think first you need t get to the root of the problem. Does she have a lack of interest in being physical because of emotional issues or is it because she is in too much physical pain to make it enjoyable. Or maybe she is just too fatigued. I know that once went 6 months so fatigued that I could barely get through the day without collapsing or falling asleep every time I sat down. The most important question is the why. Once you know why, then you can work together to make improvements.
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