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Posted 10/7/2012 3:51 PM (GMT 0)
I love this woman.  Really I do.

But sometimes, she says things that really burn me.  Yesterday I called to tell her when our daughter is graduating from college, so she can buy her ticket.  I mentioned that the house isn't going to look like it did the last time she was here (which wasn't all that great, either.)  She is really into how things look and is able to make her home look very nice.  She also has 4 children around her who are happy to help out.   

She knows about my spine surgery 7 months ago.  She knows I have fibro - not that she's ever spent 30 seconds trying to understand what that means.  Her son and I have been married for 32 years, and she is still always surprised anew that I can't do - whatever - without pain.

So she says, "It's a good thing you have such an understanding husband."  nono Ouch. 

If she only knew!  True, he's not too bad as far as getting on my case about the house...but he'd better not be.  Trying to get him to HELP me improve anything - or even move an object - or do a project WITH me for 5 minutes is literally like pulling teeth.  He moans, he groans, he does the very minimum and goes back to doing what he wants, which is usually playing on the computer or watching football.  I have no help at all, and we can't afford any.

But I kept my mouth shut....no point in getting her upset.  She's 82, we hardly ever see her, and she is who she is.  

I just had to let off some steam this morning.  rolleyes Thanks.

Debbie   

Posted 10/7/2012 4:44 PM (GMT 0)
I think well-intentioned people have no clue about what we go through.

I had a good friend tell me I should go out and get a job so I would get my mind off my pain. I don't even need to comment here about how that made me feel!

None of us would wish this or any other condition on anyone else. But sometimes, I just wish they had a better idea of how hard life is living with chronic conditions.

I hear ya, Debbie. Sounds like a nice lady, but she doesn't fully "get it."
Posted 10/7/2012 4:59 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Debbie,

Sorry to hear about your issue. Looking back at my marriage to a husband who didn't understand and didn't think he needed to help out, I should have put my foot down and said I was going to hire someone to do some cleaning, perhaps a young person who didn't cost much.

I did this with the lawn mowing. I should have asked for more.

Good luck to you. Yes, I think it's best not to say anything to you mother-in-law and I understand how much you really want to.

Maybe telling your husband that you are going to have to hire some help will get him to lift more than a finger.
Posted 10/7/2012 6:44 PM (GMT 0)
Debbie, I understand how some comments can be hurtful. There are times people don't stop to acknowledge how another person is feeling. Their remarks can come off as hurtful zingers, or just plain insensitive.

Living so far away from my family, I think they forget what we are living with. My Mom is 81 and plays on a woman's golf league every Thursday, can shop till she drops, and is always busy with something. I talked to her on Friday and she said she felt stiff and achy....she then said I was lucky to be younger, because when you get her age it starts to hurt just to get out of bed...I just laughed to myself.

My sister feels bad for my hubby because I don't cook elaborate meals daily for him and do not get up in the morning to cook him breakfast. I also don't wait on him hand and foot. lol :)

Others don't understand our fatigue or pain unless they live it, but they can still be caring and supportive.

Wishing you the best!

hugs, Robin
Posted 10/7/2012 6:45 PM (GMT 0)
Whow, I am at a loss for words for what you must have felt at the hands of ignorance. You did great with the situation!!! I find myself in a slack-jawed state when experiencing such occassions and later think off all the things i could have said wihtin and without limits : o. Glad you came here. We are all in our own little snow globes only understanding as much as god has refined us through struggles n hardships. I'm not sure what your religious beliefs are. this is sent with best intentions. And definitely give alternative to hire someone or quit groaning ... life is life.
Posted 10/7/2012 6:46 PM (GMT 0)
ooops! not you quit groaning!!!! tell that to your hubby!!!! oh, I should proof read before posting!!!
Posted 10/7/2012 7:42 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Debbie,

I am sorry for what happened. I am glad that you came here to vent. Anybody who makes remarks like that just isn't happy inside. Or else they wouldn't say it. So take that into consideration, I know you are.

I really hope you feel better. Keep on keeping on, and take it one day at a time. We do the very best that we can. It isn't as much as some people, but more than some others. It would be nice to have somebody to do everything for us. But we wouldn't really want that, I don't think. I sure wouldn't want anybody else cleaning my house. I am just too much of a private person. My house could be cleaner I am sure, but I try not to think about it too much. If something bothers me, I take care of it. Other than that, I just do the best that I can. I am lucky though, I do have a very understanding husband. And he knows that I am trying.

Try not to let other people's opinions effect the way that you are feeling. I know it isn't easy. But if she continues, you will have plenty of practice. She has no right to judge. And her opinion means squat in my opinion. I want to say something mean, but I wont because it is your mother in law. Just take it with a grain of salt. Over look her attitude. And keep doing what you are... You are a sweet person and we all understand what you are going through.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 10/7/2012 7:44 PM (GMT 0)
Debbie, thankfully she does not live close. Grrrr I really do not like being around people that do not use common courtesy.
Posted 10/7/2012 9:30 PM (GMT 0)
People can unintentionally (or is it unintentionally??) lay guilt trips on us, too, I've found.

I wasn't able to attend a funeral of a former neighbor because hubby had immediate car problems he needed to work on, and I couldn't drive the distance to the funeral by myself, due to both strong meds and a very sore right foot (Not a good combo for driving, and no one else available to drive).
So a sibling of mine has to email me a little later and tell me how sad a family member of the deceased was at the wake and how she kept crying (I used to care for her when she was small, so we are closer than my siblings are to this person).
I felt horrible, of course, but sibling was well aware that my fibro has been at it's second-worst ever, so I did NOT appreciate her comment; in fact, I thought it was rude of her to burden me with it, but then again, she sometimes tends to do things like this, so I shouldn't be surprised. Frustrating, though!

All I could do was sit down and write a sympathy note, explain why I couldn't be there, and send a card to the family. Still frustrated I couldn't be there, but really nothing else I could do, and wow--I do NOT need this sibling to burden me like this, especially feeling so physically lousy (taking deep breaths...). :(
Posted 10/8/2012 3:03 AM (GMT 0)
Debbie, I'm so sorry. It hurts when the people you love say insensitive things.

I live 12 hours away from my dad and shortly after I was diagnosed he told me that his shoulder bothered him too much to drive long distances, so he isn't going to drive to visit me any more. I never even saw him in 2011. Every time I try to explain to him what fibromyalgia is he says "I've never heard of that." Which isn't true. When I remind him that my SIL also has fibro, he says "Did you catch it from her?" Oh my gosh...I have to bite my tongue and leave the room at that point. He doesn't understand what it is and doesn't WANT to understand what it is.

He is 69 years old. His own mother turned 90 this year and she has come up to visit me twice in the 8 years I've lived here. Once he has made a decision though, NOTHING will change it.
Posted 10/8/2012 3:48 AM (GMT 0)
Keep in mind, she is from a different generation with very different beliefs about men and women's roles.
Posted 10/8/2012 4:43 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks, everyone. I don't know what I'd do sometimes without my fibro family! My daughters would feel outrage for my sake, but I don't want to turn them against the only grandparent they have left. They already know she's not the most empathetic, so - - no point in fanning that flame.

Luvzminis, it must have really hurt when your sister told you that. It's not like you could have done anything different! And your friend with the job comment - don't you love those? Gee, you must be bored, with nothing to occupy your mind - no wonder you have to fill it up with pretend pain! ;( I hope you start feeling better soon.

AlmostMedfree, I do wish I could pay someone to help me out. A couple of years ago I did pay a friend once in awhile, but that money is looong gone. There's just no way, not in the forseeable future, anyway.

Robin - wow. Incredible - shocked  - that with all you've been going through (especially recently) - you get those comments too. This made my jaw drop. Unbelievable!

SimplyUs, thanks, and I love your snowglobe analogy....it's true, we are all in our own little worlds to a certain extent.

Karen, I appreciate what you said, thank you! blush   I know what you mean - I'm not crazy about having people clean my house either, because I'm pretty private, too. But I've had to come to terms with it a bit, because I can do so little myself. An acquaintance of mine was laughing recently about her husband's way of washing floors - pouring out soapy water and then walking around on paper towels...well, that's how I used to do it (back when I could, that is, before surgery - even then, squeezing a mop was too painful) - and once I'm back to "normal," I hope to do it again! wink

Rose, I know!  Me, neither.

Debbie

Posted 10/8/2012 4:52 AM (GMT 0)
Namian, that's got to hurt with your dad. I think that makes it extra hard, when you've tried repeatedly and the curiosity is just not there. To an extent, my husband's like that too. Another stubborn one.

Applevenus, good point...but in her case, I don't think it's that, I think she just can't relate in any way. She's like her son - has an unusually wonderful physical constitution.

Debbie
Posted 10/8/2012 10:48 AM (GMT 0)
Hubby to be's best friend really was trying to be helpful lol, but told me medicines really mess you up, and if I go off my meds I will probably feel better lol totally didn't hear my fibro is what caused me to go on my meds lololol, lol didn't get these issues after I started the meds. Then told me if I exercised more I would feel a lot better :-) I know he meant well but still bugs me.

His other best friend lol, came over during a flair and was like "so what's wrong doesn't your medicine work"? Lol his wife told me she has a few friends with fibro, and they took meds and changed their diet and then was completely normal, so she isn't sure why I am not. My thoughts are she only seen them on good days, and not flairing days. So I told her Great! Can you do me a favor and ask them what meds and what diet they are on? Would love to be completely normal, that was 8 months ago, and when says they still haven't gotten back to her on it lol kinda wondering if it is because they know she don't get it at all lol...

So glad hubby to be gets it :-)
Posted 10/8/2012 11:33 AM (GMT 0)
...and thank YOU, Debbie, and everyone here for understanding.

I had calmed down until I got another email from said sibling this morning, saying she has to go to work, but doesn't feel up to going, but KNOWS SHE HAS TO (my emphasis) (a stab towards me, no doubt for not attending the funeral). She then told me to enjoy the cool Fall temperatures, even though she is well aware they always cause me to have fibro flares. Nice, huh? smhair


It irks me, but then again, I should expect something like that from her; she does/says things like that to others, too. She's a very jealous and envious person, too, always has been, and even my mom commented on it, but felt sorry for her (I don't!).

Just curious: that's obviously a mental health quirk, but what is it? Narcissism? She's done this kind of thing all her life.

I don't wish anything bad on her, but would be curious to see how she would deal with fibro if she had it. It would definitely be another story!!

Posted 10/8/2012 11:56 AM (GMT 0)
Deb,
I keep forgetting about your back surgery. That is so much extra pain to bear. I hope this is a better day for you.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 10/8/2012 2:02 PM (GMT 0)
Yes...we always have to become so defensive when we have a disorder that most don't understand or respect as being 'real'.  So many of us don't look sick so the pain is manufactured in our minds.

I was sitting a a booth in a restaurant with some family members.  I brushed off the top of the table with a napkin.  One of them (on the Husband's side) said:  You should be as concerned about your own table at home as you are with this....

Then she laughed.  Har, har harrty har har.

Donna

 

Posted 10/8/2012 4:48 PM (GMT 0)
Donna: Ouch! That comment was nasty! No, people really don't understand, do they?

If it's any consolation, my table is very cluttered right now and is #1 on my "really-have-to-get-this-done" list! Maybe we should good-naturedly invite those who make such comments to come and take over our cleaning for us. :)
Posted 10/9/2012 5:14 PM (GMT 0)
Oooh, Donna, that WAS nasty! What is wrong with people?? I'll bet you wished you could have stuffed that napkin into her laughing mouth.

Luvzminis, your sister sounds a lot like my sister-in-law, who used to be my best friend. Her narcissism was easier to overlook when we were young, healthy and carefree, but once she started trying to overrule me concerning what MY kids could and couldn't do (in my presence!  mad  ) things went downhill. She also assumes she knows more about everything...everything!...than anyone else. Works harder...hurts more...leaps tall buildings....

Dustinshunny, I'm sure that was hard to take. Why do people assume we've never thought of these things?!

Thanks, Karen. My doctor wants me to cut down on the Hydrocodone more sharply starting next week, so (gulp) we'll see how that goes...

Debbie
Posted 10/9/2012 6:32 PM (GMT 0)
Debbie, when she said it's a good thing you have such an understanding husband, you should have said, "Yes it is a good thing.  He must have gotten that trait from his father."  tongue    I'm bad but I don't take that kind of stuff well.  devil

 

Sherrine

Posted 10/10/2012 5:38 AM (GMT 0)
Ooh I love that response!
Posted 10/10/2012 11:30 AM (GMT 0)
Love that response, too. Good one, Sherrine!

I think sometimes people like your M-I-L don't stop to think about what they're really saying. We all do that at times, but I think we would appreciate a little more sympathy having fibro. Too often, others really do NOT "get it."
Posted 10/10/2012 4:20 PM (GMT 0)
Ditto!! Unfortunately, my tongue only gets sharp after the fact :(

Debbie
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