The stress of family

Hi Everyone,

I just wanted to ask a question about a difficult family situation that very much increases my inflammation and fibro pain when I'm exposed to it.

A couple days ago I had lunch with my very successful, married daughter who has issues with the workplace just like her father, my ex-husband, does due to his sociopathic tendencies.

She works in the professional medical field and over the years of being out in the workplace her complaints began with management who didn't compliment her on a job well done and instead criticized her for something she missed. I tried to explain to her that all part of being a medical professional.

My ex tells her they shouldn't be treating her that way. She grew up hearing frequent angry remarks from her father at the dinner table concerning his boss. I tried to tell him this wasn't appropriate dinner conversation. When I mentioned this to my daughter along with stating her father had a lot of good qualities at lunch the other day, she replied maybe he had good reasons for saying all that he did. 

Then comes rules. Just like her father, she told me at lunch that she hates rules. I never heard this from her before. Again it sounded just like her father. She said, "Why can't everyone be as responsible as me then we wouldn't need rules. I did make the comment (gently), that that sounded like her father.

When my daughter was younger and worked for several years at a grocery store, she would at times become upset about certain bosses and her father (my husband at the time) would tell her she didn't have to take that. He would say that maybe she should think about quitting. I stepped in later and explained to her she will find difficult bosses anywhere. I encouraged her not to quit. She stuck with it. I'm very proud of her.

This lunchtime conversation was very stressful for me because I believe I have post traumatic stress from  the emotionally abusive dealings with her father. 

So I'd like to get your opinions on what I should do. Should I sit down with her and tell her about her father's sociopathic tendencies and hearing the things I heard from her is toxic to me? But I want to help. That to me is more important than how it affects me. I feel if I didn't she would have more issues.

She does speak to my ex a lot. They're very close. He's her sounding board.

Thanks for reading this.

 

Myself, thanks, you make a lot of sense. And that's a great idea about suggesting she talk to a therapist at her workplace.

I want to understand everything you said. What did this mean:

For me, the standard of intervening in some one else's choices is physical harm.

One thing I should have added to my post was what the psychologist my ex and I were seeing said to me after years of seeing us as a couple, he said my ex would never change. He would continue to have rages and even if he apologized, he didn't mean it.

I'm so relieved to be out of that situation. Life can be wonderful now. And this forum helps a lot.

I think it's really good for us to share even our emotional issues in here to point out to others how they can affect our fibro.

Thanks again.

Sherrine, thanks so much, and you're absolutely right.

No offense taken at all. I very much appreciate people's opinions.

It should be no excuse, but I guess I've been overly concerned for my children's entire lives that they make have some of their father's tendencies even though he also had some very good characteristics.

I see my psychologist on Wednesday. That will help a lot too. But that's days away. It's nice to come in here and get the advice that I needed.

You're right, Myself, thanks.

But what does a person do if they have post traumatic stress and they're seeing right before them the kind of incidents that brought PTSD on in the first place?

Button my lip? Breathe deeply? Remind myself it will be over soon. . . .

Maybe I should practice with my daughter by asking her if she'd like my advice before giving it. I know I have fault with that.

Thanks again.

Wow..good questions, and fabulous answers...
I don't have much to add, but.. I have been in these cituations for YEARS..
So, here is what I offer.. if when you are talking to your daughter, your husband comes up, or she reminds you of him..1~yes you are allowing him to continue to haunt you thru her..2~gently tell her, honey, I love you, and I love that you are a combination of your father and me..it is just that some of the things I hear you say remind me of your father, and that worries me because...(fill in the blank)...And you are smarter, and much to dedicated to fall into such obvious dischord at work.
And remind her rules are there for some conformity..it she feels the rules are frivilous, maybe encourage her to write them down, what she feels is frivilous about them and to see if they really are stupid, how to go about changing them..or revising them...
Everyone has issues with some bosses..and unfortunately today more than ever it seems nepotism is everywhere!! And that means way more people in inappropriate jobs than ever!
You mentioned that she is in health care..perhaps she can find a new job she would enjoy more, or encourage her to go out on her own..in her own business...

And definately encourage her to see someone in the workplace for help..
The other ladies gave great advice.
Now, on to your other question...perhaps you need to tell your daughter, again, that while you love that she is a mix of you and your husband, there may need to be some topics that are no-nos when you talk. I ahve had to do this with my mother a LOT lately..we completely disagree on a few subjects, and the only way to not send us both to the hospital with anxiety attacks was to agree to avoid certain subject with each other.. one of them being my sister, another my daughter, and my son and his wife. (My sister is an egocentric witch, my daughter can do no right..and my son got married and didn't invite my husband (of 20 years) family..) Any of these subjects is off limits. If one of them accidentally pops up, it is ignored and we move on.
So perhaps an off limits agreement will help. Perhaps you can say, I get stressed out when you want to discuss (what ever brings up things that mirror her dad),It's not that I don't love hearing about your life, but I think it best if we avoid that for now.
Maybe she will feel better, like she isn't having to defend her dad all the time too..
Hope it works out for you!!

Almost Medfree -

I have a situation that's different from yours, but similar in that I have to constantly remember to watch myself on certain topics with my son. One of the biggest is: he was extremely outgoing, confident, and sociable as a child, the life of the party, and now (at age 30) he basically lives a hermit's life when he's not working. No friends (well, 2 from high school who he never sees) and no dating. Unless he's comes over to our house, he's alone.

I wanted to encourage him to let what I believed to be his real self come out. So I'd tell him, "I don't understand it. You used to be like - - - and I can't believe that person's not still in you, deep down." He would look irritated, mumble that he'd changed, and that was that.

I was lamenting the situation once with my younger daughter, and she said (she's very wise ;), "How would you feel if your mother essentially said to you, "I liked you better when you were a little kid - there's something wrong with you now"? That really hit home. Here I'd been trying to help him by reminding him how dynamic and full of life he'd been - not meaning to criticize him - but of course, that's how it came across.

Yes, I still miss my amazingly bright, creative, enthusiastic little boy - but that's my perspective, it's my problem, not his. There's nothing wrong with the way he's living his life...he works and paints and reads and takes good care of himself. We get along better since I realized this.

My point is (in a roundabout way) that maybe this is what's happening with your daughter? We're all sensitive to how our parents express what they think of us. I sure was.

Good luck, it's a tough situation. As far as what she says to the work therapists, it certainly SHOULD be confidential....but you never know for sure, I guess. Maybe she could find out what kind of experiences some of her co-workers have had with it.

Debbie