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Confession to make... & Encouragment needed

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Posted 6/29/2013 8:25 AM (GMT 0)
I have a confession to make.  eyes

Sometimes I will do a whole lot of easy things to feel like I'm accomplishing something - but I will neglect the one or two, really important, difficult things to do. This is because I really struggle with the fact that doing complicated work now takes so long for me to do, and it wears me out very quickly. I hate to spend an hour on an assignment and then be so exhausted by the effort of it that I spend the rest of the day dozing in bed. It makes me feel inadequate. It is much more satisfying to do several easier tasks and feel like I got a lot done.  nono  

I guess it comes back to pride. I always took such pride in my schoolwork - I always did very well in everything academic, and I always got my work done the fastest in the class. I was always the first person to figure out an intelligent answer to a question or the correct spelling of a complicated word. I always caught onto a new concept quickly. I won all kinds of awards. I don't think I saw myself as being above anyone else - I just felt like intelligence was my main asset, whereas other people had different assets, such as athleticism, social skills, dancing, visual arts, singing, good looks, and so on.

Fibromyalgia seemed to take away my intelligence, at least at first. Now I realise that it didn't really; but it sure makes it a lot harder to use that intelligence. I'm ashamed to admit it, but one of the things that FMS did to me was this: it hurt my pride.  blush  

I know I said in an earlier post about trying to do more university work - and I have been trying. I've barely come on the forum at all in the last few days, except perhaps for today, and even now only for about an hour. I don't think the problem is that I'm addicted to this forum or even the Internet in general. I just keep finding other, simpler tasks to distract myself with - like tidying my bedroom, organising my papers. And then when I knuckle down and tell myself to work, I'll try for a while and I'll draw a blank. So I'll try to get some rest - and end up sleeping for the rest of the day. smurf Lately, I've been sleeping about 18 hours a day (which is nothing, considering that I used to sleep 23 hours a day - but back then I didn't go to school or university and I lived at home). But no matter how long I sleep, my brain function doesn't seem to improve. shocked ??

Accomplishments don't really define us - this I know. But sometimes I can't seem to help measuring myself in this way. Why do I do something that is opposite to what I believe? Why do I naturally judge myself by my achievements, despite my better judgement?  shakehead  

 

I'm just so worn out and sore.

And I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.  cry  

Does anyone else ever feel like this? smhair

By the way, I'm feeling rather fragile at the moment, so only encouraging words please.

 
Posted 6/29/2013 11:22 AM (GMT 0)
I don't think you're alone in doing that, Jasmine. I find when I'm feeling fatigue, this forum beckons, and I can also find excuses for doing more 'surfing,' as in "hey, I'm on here anyway, so I might as well check up on, or find the recipe for...."  or whatever.   And yes, other things do sometimes get ignored. I'm slowly working on that issue, but when fatigue hits me, it generally wins, at least for a while, and I either have to sit here at the computer, grab a book for a bit, or even cave in to a short nap. All the while, I have other chores waiting for me.....

One thing which has helped me is to make a list every day of what I plan to do for that day. I list even the smallest, most boring jobs (cleaning the cat bowls, wiping off doorknobs with cleaner, etc.). It always feels good to accomplish even the littlest things, and feels great to cross them off the list. I think we just do what we can, but do need to encourage ourselves and others once in a while, and I am trying personally to push myself more.  Lately, it seems to be working, at least some of the time.

As for the sleeping, I try to have a regular bedtime and get enough sleep (8 hours for me), but not always possible.  I used to sleep a lot more, but gradually broke away from that.  But that doesn't mean I don't need an occasional nap!  In fact, I often go back to bed in the morning an hour or two after getting up, maybe for 30-45 minutes.  Then I do fairly well til afternoon, when I take another break.  Winter and cold weather wear my body down more, so I do tend to sleep more then.

We can all relate to being tired of being sick and tired, so don't feel alone.  Fibro is nothing any of us would choose!  Best wishes and prayers. :)

Posted 6/29/2013 11:33 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the kind words :)

P.S. It is winter here... it certainly is partially related to the cold weather; winter is always the worst for my symptoms. I'd forgotten that!

Post Edited (Jasmine Grace) : 6/29/2013 5:52:11 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 6/29/2013 2:39 PM (GMT 0)
When I was writing my dissertation, I joined a diss support group, full of people from all disciplines who were struggling for one reason or another. I had just been diagnosed. Luckily I was past my classwork, and was on to my own work. But, it took a great deal of abstract thinking, and reading, and writing, and rewriting, and more thinking, and all self-motivated. Very draining.

Anyway.

In the group, a lot of people confessed to something similar to what you are feeling. That small stuff, checking email, grading papers, organizing books, was far easier and felt better than actually writing. It felt like you accomplished something. It was a reward. Actually writing felt endless, so it was emotionally easier to shove it away. There is a lot tied up in 'finishing', in terms of prestige, pride, emotional and physical investment...

Anyway.

Life is a constant restart. When you complete one race, the next one means you start at the bottom, and have to work your way back. Finish high school-go to college. Finish college-find a job. As I often told my students, it's not about what you learn or what you know. It's really about having the stick-to-it-ivness to get through the race. The tenacity. The long-term goal, not the short term ones.

I have shared with you my favorite work motivator, the clock. This works for me, because once I get started I am hooked on whatever I am doing. It is just the physical act of getting started that is hard for me.

You can also implement an reward system.
I believe they term is extrinsic motivation, when intrinsic motivation isn't enough. Make a schedule of what needs to be done. A realistic one, please, no pie-in-the-sky silliness. Most people will set themselves up to fail, by setting themselves an impossible task. Then, set a system of rewards, things you like. Lunch with a friend. A favorite show or movie. A bubble bath. Dunno-whatever can be a reward for work done. And the catch IS, you only get it IF you complete your goal for the day. So, as you experience your reward, you feel good, and you break the cycle of feeling unworthy, which makes it harder to complete the tasks.

You have raised your personal stakes, meaning you are working on a bigger playing field for more marbles. It is harder.

I would also add that urgent medical issues are a perfectly VALID reason for things being difficult. Doing strong consistent work requires an overall health, especially good mental hygiene. It's hard to focus outside self when the inside is caught up with the emotional maelstrom of feeling bad. Try meditation. Centering self. Compartmentalizing needs.
Posted 6/29/2013 3:47 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Jasmine,

From someone who have lived with FMS during my uni years and has successfully done it and now embarking another uni course after 10 years of commercial world, I will tell you that it can be done, not easy, but it can be done.

Uni is very different from school. With school, teachers do care about you meeting your deadline and hit your academic milestone. Lecturers are not teachers, they have 2 main roles at the uni. Their primary role is research, secondary role is lecturing. Many see lecturing as a waste of their time esp if it's a first year subject because there are a lot of student demanding their precious time. I'm not saying all lecturers are like that, but there's a big percentage of them who prefer smaller class than a room full of first years.

I was rambling a bit in my previous paragraph. Anyway, my point is, you've been give an assignment to be done in X number of weeks. There is no rules that says you can't do one hour a day at that assignment then do something else and continue at a later stage. Finishing an assignment in one go is quite a big task, personally I won't be able to do that. I usually break them into parts. The easiest way to do this is start with headings. Usually for a report or an essay, there's always an Introduction/ Executive summary, Background, Theory, Findings then conclusion and may be discussions.

I would usually leave introduction to the last because it's the hardest part to start.It's easier to write the main part of the report first then go back to you intro because once you know what you're writing, the intro will come to you by just summarising your entire report.

Wishing you all the best. Talk to you soon

Post Edited (clarie) : 6/29/2013 10:22:09 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 6/29/2013 4:12 PM (GMT 0)
I must say you'll are both intelligent & observant !!

Thanks for the observations and the tips.. guess I knew but had never put into words..
Posted 6/29/2013 5:05 PM (GMT 0)
Jasmine, you are not alone. You have received some excellent feedback. We all find that it is not easy to acknowledge or accept that our lives will not be as they once were. Realizing our worth does not depend on what or how much we do can be difficult. Accepting a new normal takes time.

I had to train myself to set priorities. At one time, I thought of myself as a superwoman, excellent at multitasking. Chronic pain and fatigue forces a new reality upon us. Getting more difficult tasks done in increments helps me. There are times where my mental focus is way off. Taking breaks to do something you find enjoyable helps. Be proud of all your accomplishments!

You are a very intelligent young woman and I believe you will succeed in meeting your goals :)

Hugs, Robin
Posted 6/29/2013 6:13 PM (GMT 0)
You've gotten excellent responses, Jasmine.  I know I set goals for myself...goals I know I can reach.....every day.  I also pace myself when doing things.  It gets done but in a different time frame.  You are now starting to learn how to work around fibro and, yes, it can be done.

 

There is a wonderful book that I read years ago that is still helping me...especially with the cognitive memory problems.  It's called The Memory Book by Harry Lorayne and Jerry Lucas.  This gives ways to help with your memory at work, at school, etc.  Fun things, actually.  I have used their techniques since the late 1970's I think.  So this might help you retain what you are learning and make studying easier.  You can get it on Amazon and it's not expensive either.  If you google it on Amazon, read some of the comments.  I think you would enjoy this book and it very well could help you with your studies.

 

Sleeping for 18 hours is not good.  Laying in bed that long will cause more pain and stiffness.  It is advised for adults to get 7-8 hours of sleep a night.  Getting less or much more can be unhealthy.  I know that if I sleep too much, I'm more tired and want to sleep more.  It really messes up my day so I stick to the 7-8 hours a night.  I might not feel like getting up but I do and feel better for it.  You might want to consider this, too.

 

Sherrine

 

Posted 6/29/2013 10:22 PM (GMT 0)
Ah, Jasmine. I feel for you.

The pride thing is hard! I think we all feel it in one way or another (or several.) I hate the fogginess too, and it's definitely made me way worse in the brain department and complicated the simplest tasks....but honestly, I have always been a spacehead. So that was a difference in degree, not kind, and it's usually easier for me to laugh at. I literally get confused out of my mind trying to balance a checkbook, but since I've always been a math moron, my self-image hasn't been altered by that.

But the physical stuff - that's my waterloo. The fact that I no longer have power to move objects in my path, etc. - at times it still drives me crazy! I was always a hands-on, git 'er done, rip through the place and make it right person. (Not to mention exercising and toning my body all the time.)

You've been thrown a really hard thing to deal with, and at such a young age. It's only natural that you'd feel overwhelmed, confused, disappointed, and all the rest. Your logic tells you not to judge yourself by your achievements, but since using your intellect has always come easily to you, and it's integral to your self-image, this is easier said than done! It takes time to adapt your thinking, and come to acceptance. And, like you said, your intelligence isn't gone....it's just harder to find at times under all the layers of fog.

I felt like a "less-than" person for many years because of the things I couldn't do, because it was a disability that was so foreign to me. So I do understand.

Hugs, Debbie
Posted 6/30/2013 12:21 AM (GMT 0)
I understand what you mean about hurting your pride. I was like you, I took pride in my intelligence. I'd be the one who'd do well in my classes with less effort than my peers or I'd be the one who learned my job the fastest.

The pain from fibro hit me right after I was hired to do a new job...just two weeks before I actually started that job. The new job in the technology sector involved answering the phones and helping customers license their products. In just a few short weeks i had to learn about twenty different products, all the operating systems used, and different quirks from different versions of those products. Also I was learning how to use the different tools that my company used and all of their quirks. I was flummoxed by the sheer number of passwords I had to remember!

So while I was very grateful for the job (and the medical insurance!) I felt stupid. I was hired with another woman who was the same age I was and her only advantage was that she'd worked for this company before, but in an entirely different department so she was still learning most of the things I was learning. Her learning curve was much shorter than mine and I just couldn't understand what was wrong with me.

At the same time I was spending a lot of time with doctors and having tests run to figure out what was wrong with me. The pain kept spreading until it was over my entire body. I couldn't even walk normally and getting out of a chair was torture. I knew my co-workers were sick of my questions and I constantly worried that I was going to be fired. I could've taken a leave of absence but I was afraid that it would hurt me in the long run and I'm still glad I didn't because people who've taken leaves seem to be the same ones to go in lay-offs.

That time has passed. Once I was diagnosed I was able to pursue treatments and try different things that all helped me to feel better both physically and mentally. A year ago I heard someone say about me "She is smart as a whip" and I knew that I was BACK.

Jasmine, learning new things is hard! It takes a lot of mental energy. You may need to take some time off of school to figure out how to help yourself feel better. You may need to take fewer classes so you can rest more and put more energy into fewer things. You are the only person living in your skin and ultimately only you know what you can handle. Persevere.

Joy
Posted 6/30/2013 4:29 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you all SO MUCH!!

I have written a list of all your suggestions into my own words.

I have found comfort in knowing that not only am I not the only one to feel like this, but that there is also hope that my brain function will improve, I will find ways to cope and that I can get through university with this!

I was talking to a couple of my flatmates yesterday, and they said basically what you said, Namian: "why don't you take some time off of uni for a while to get your health back?" Of course, they have trouble grasping the chronicity of this thing (and so do I, to be honest!) so if I do take time off, it won't be to get my health back but to learn new coping strategies and improve - but not fully restore - my health. I have been thinking off taking time off or doing part-time for several months now; I feel like I will have a breakdown if I just try to keep going at this pace. It's just figuring out how to take time off with the financial issues. I'm planning on going to Centrelink this week to find out my options. I tried calling them but I could never get through, the lines were always busy. Anyway, worse comes to worse, I'll go live at home for a while and drive to the city once a fortnight to get the healthcare treatment I need and buy the food that fits on my diet at a price I can afford (neither of these are available in my hometown) - at least I can drive by myself and I have a car. It will just take a lot of energy to take a whole day each fortnight to do this; sometimes I may be able to get a lift with friends or family, but most of the time I would need to drive myself.

Plan A: study part-time; live on-campus at uni; and somehow get more money from Centrelink to survive.
Plan B: study part-time; live with my sister and her family in their tiny, very cramped house that is a 45-min drive away from uni and 30-min drive away from health; free rent.
Plan C: study one unit online next semester; live at home or with best friend, which are both a 2.5-hour drive away from healthcare; small amount of rent.

Step 1) go to Centrelink
Step 2) discuss this with my sister
Step 3) discuss this with the mother of my best friend to see if she's okay with me living in her home (my best friend still lives with her mother)
Step 4) discuss this with my parents
Step 5) discuss this with uni's student services

Anyway... I guess I was kind of using this as planning space.
Posted 6/30/2013 9:42 AM (GMT 0)
I found a song earlier today which is really helping me to feel better. It's called You Are Loved (Don't Give Up) and it can be easily related to the struggles I experience with fibromyalgia. It's just so uplifting! Anyway, thought I'd mention it just in case anyone else needs encouragement in the form of a song...
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