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Putting myself first

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Posted 10/17/2013 6:44 AM (GMT 0)
I've always been someone who can listen to another person for a looong time, and finds them endlessly interesting.  (Probably should have been some kind of counselor.)  If it's someone I love, I have real trouble not getting totally absorbed with their needs, wants, ideas, and so on.  I know I'm not alone here!  :-)  When it comes to our kids, I think most of us are this way....it doesn't matter how old they are. 

But Fibro and disc problems and their chronic pain, etc. have changed me, to some degree....of course.

When I burned my back at 13 (caught it on fire, got 3rd degree burns) and it was a long recovery, I had an epiphany: no one else could make it better.  I had to be strong and get through it on my own.  This knowledge has grown, of course, with increasing physical problems and age and all that comes with it.

Well, I seem to be going through a period when this feeling is especially strong. I'm noticing that I'm putting my comfort and priorities first more often.  If I need new slippers because my feet hurt, I'll buy them, rather than using that money for something else - as L'Oreal says: I'm worth it! cool   Instead of rushing to clean up a mess that might bother someone else - but not me - I'll leave it.  (So what if they don't like it?  They can do something about it...and a whole lot more easily than I could.)  I'll work on what matters to me instead, AND what's not going to give me more pain.

Amazingly able-bodied hubby puts blinders on, and doesn't EVER ask if I need help...I have to make a point of asking for every little thing.  Unfortunately, what he wants to do and what I want to (and CAN) do almost never coincide.  He says that when he retires in a few years, he'll be more amenable to doing different things, but for now, he's in automatic mode: work, computer or tv to unwind, repeat tomorrow.  sad   

So, I guess the years of psychically burying my own needs, and increasing awareness that my time is dwindling, have had their effect; more and more, I'm doing what's important to me (ain't nobody else gonna do it!!)  I can't solve all the world's problems, and there are plenty of capable people out there to pick up whatever load I think I can't drop....

What about you?  Are you torn, and if so, how do you handle it?  I realize if you have actual children at home, you don't really have a lot of choice in the matter.

Debbie     

Posted 10/17/2013 7:53 AM (GMT 0)
Debbie, I think I understand what you are saying. You are now taking care for the caretaker. For years you were in the position of taking care of everyone else and now you have found time to care for yourself. I get that. Growing up as the eldest of six kids, I took a caregiver role early in life. Most of all my jobs were dedicated to helping other people. Spare time was often spent volunteering.

Having chronic conditions do have an effect on our family. Many of us were married during a time of good health. After my symptoms set in my hubby was forced to rethink about daily responsibilities. I know I felt some guilt, anger, and resentment about not being able to do everything I did before. My hubby was forced to deal with my back sitiuation long before my other conditions set in. I spent nearly 9 months unable to drive, do housework, laundry or grocery shop. He was my caretaker after he came home from work each day. I recovered only to have my other conditions slowly set in. He continues to help out when needed and I thankful for that.

I've learned to say no when I can't do something when before I would always say yes. Being the eldest sibling, I'm often called when there are things going on. I'm very close to my family and I will always be there to help out IF I can. My daughter is grown with a family of her own and we talk daily. She flew in and took care of me following my lung surgery.

I'm at a point in my life where I feel as though I'm living on borrowed time. Last year, I was lucky to have my cancer removed. Each day is a gift now and I try to live with purpose...live, love and be loved. It is OK to take care of ourselves..."we are worth it."

Hugs, Robin
Posted 10/17/2013 3:36 PM (GMT 0)
I don't have children.

I also do not put myself first very often.

This is something I am working to change.
Posted 10/17/2013 5:15 PM (GMT 0)
I also don't have children. But I am also in the process of putting myself first. I have a very supportive husband who does a lot for me, sometimes too much. I find the more I do, the more I am able to do. So sometimes I have to insist on doing things for me... Speaking of working on things and such. There was a time where he did everything for me, and I felt I was becoming incapable of doing things for myself. So that had to stop.

I find I have a hard time saying no. I am working on that too. It is hard to know how to balance things sometimes, and hard to put ourselves first. First we have to get it in our heads that it isn't selfish to care about ourselves. I think we are all practical about it. We are all a work in progress.

Great topic Debbie. Thanks for starting this thread!

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 10/17/2013 6:15 PM (GMT 0)
My children are grown, but some are still at home and are independent. I still do their laundry and cooking, though, but they're great about helping me out when I need something done (hubby is, also). I think I've finally reached the point of a good balance: I do what I can, but have to admit at times some things I can either no longer do, or can only do a little of some job. And I think my family mostly 'gets it.' Whew!

I do occasionally buy a little something for myself--maybe a book or a bracelet, or a music CD I've been wanting. But I still have to guard against buying things I really don't need; I do spoil myself at times. It's too easy when I'm home all day by myself.  I have to stop and remember it isn't all about me.  On the other hand, I also remind myself I do count! (Does that make sense??)

 I also am finding myself pushing myself more, but in a good, positive way, I think. I have learned not to overdo.

  I'm probably saying all of this poorly, but the bottom line is balance is everything! yeah

Posted 10/17/2013 6:33 PM (GMT 0)
I agree Luv,

We need that proper balance. With practice I think we can maintain it. But there are a few bumps and bruises on the way. Finding what we are capable of without over doing it, being good to ourselves without over doing that.

Great thread!!!

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 10/17/2013 6:54 PM (GMT 0)
I enjoy being independent but also like to be helped when I need it. I find if I take the time to take care of myself, I am able to do more in the lung run. I know I can still have a life that is good and productive.

This is a good thread Debbie...it makes you think and it is a good reminder to be kind to ourselves.!

Hugs, Robin
Posted 10/17/2013 7:29 PM (GMT 0)
I think those of us who have had children do go without to provide for them.  We also go without to have things nice for our spouses.  But, once they are grown it is time for ourselves.  Actually...before the kids are grown.  If I do things for myself, it makes me feel better, I don't feel like I'm being taken advantage of, and that helps me be there for my kids when they need me.  It makes me feel more "important", too.  It feels good to throw away the underwear with holes in them!   yeah   For years we didn't have a lot of money and if you couldn't see something, you wore it with holes in it.  LOL   

 

For me, my kids do a lot for me and I don't even ask them.  They never had to ask me when they needed help when they lived at home so now they are returning the favor.  I'm so blessed to have these children in my life.

 

Sherrine

 

 

Posted 10/17/2013 7:40 PM (GMT 0)
LOL, Sherrine--I can sure relate to the underwear with holes in them! :) And how about all the unmatched socks, legos under the couch, half-eaten candy bars in weird places, etc. That brings back memories! But the kids were always great about clean-up time, especially when things got too messy.

My oldest son is super neat/clean and even bought his own vacuum for upstairs. He's great about cleaning the bathroom, too--which I really appreciate! Another son is a tad less neat, but does his part, which sure helps.

Looking back, it seems like I had a lot more work way back when. But I have to remind myself of that when I'm feeling overwhelmed some days. And remind myself the house doesn't have to be perfect; just clean and somewhat tidy.

Good point: I'm also very blessed to have my children. And being independent is really important, especially these days.

This is such a neat thread. Thanks for starting it, Debbie! :)
Posted 10/18/2013 1:13 PM (GMT 0)
I can totally relate to this post. I have always been the one to put others before myself. First with my children, then husband (divorced now) and now my brother. I live with my brother because I am unable to work and tried to get disability but was denied. I have never been one to ask anyone for anything and always did things on my own. Now, I am having a really difficult time accepting my new normal and not being able to do things I used to and having my brother take care of me financially. Even though I can no longer work, I still feel so independent and it is frustrating. I am slowly starting to take time for me but I usually feel guilty about it.
Posted 10/18/2013 6:04 PM (GMT 0)
I have two small children 3 and 5, constantly have to put them first, but with the help of a very supportive husband and family, I do get the chance to have me time...whether it be a massage, getting my nails done or visiting a spa.
I think this is so important to do, even if you don't have fibro...It makes the moments with the children even better as you feel more relaxed and not so het up.
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