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Starting To Give Up And I Don't Like It

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Posted 2/21/2015 6:55 PM (GMT 0)
Hi. Today is a bad one for me and I just need to type this to get my feelings out but would love any advice to turn my head around and get me in a more positive frame of mind. In other words, I need some support.

I live in NJ and it is snowing with freezing rain so maybe that is part of it but who knows anymore. Last night was no different than any other. I finally get in bed, watch some tv and doze off. Then I wake up, put on my tablet, earplugs and watch Netflix. I know I shouldn't do that but if I don't I will lay there thinking and it makes me too anxious. Eventually around 3 a.m. I reach for the ambien because I know without any sleep my body will hurt more. Anyway, today is Saturday, it's 1:45 p.m. and I am still in my pajamas, haven't showered and feel like a slug. I knew from the moment I woke that I was in all over body pain. We were supposed to go visit an elderly aunt but I asked my husband if we could go tomorrow. He is wonderful but I still feel guilty cancelling.

Yesterday we had a surprise fire drill at work and I had to walk down and then up 3 winding flights of stairs with the others in my office. My knees immediately started to burn and I have felt awful since then. Also, I had a tragic death by fire in my family back in 1999 so I'm wondering if that psychologically set off something in my body. I do tend to suppress my feelings.

Today I am getting the chills, feel achy and feverish along with body pains everywhere - both hips, ankles, elbows, back and neck but don't have a cold so I don't think I'm sick. I'm at the point where I know what everyone will say - "get your rest, take your supplements, think positive, go for massage, try accupuncturist, chiropractor, therapist, etc." and I just feel I have done all of that and NOTHING is helping. As you can see from my log on name, I am a faithful person but today I just feel like I have hit rock bottom and have no more to give. I can't stop crying and told my husband to please go out and do something fun for himself because I do not like myself today. He loves his reef fish tank so off he went with my insistence to buy a new fish. I feel like he does not deserve this. He never makes me feel like I am a burden but I know it can't be fun to live with me.

I am also worried about finances. One in college, the other starting so I wonder if this is attributing to things. But the rest of the world has the same issues, why can they deal with it and not me? I'm no different. I do not like myself today at all. I really don't. I am going to go take a hot shower maybe I will feel better and when I get done (in about 2 hours I move so slow today) someone will give me encouragment. I really need it today. I know I am depressed, maybe it's time to give in and go see a therapist. But did anyone ever feel so tired I don't even have the energy to research any more doctors, insurance, copays, forms, etc.? Arent' I a barrel of fun today? LOL

Hope everyone else is having a decent day and maybe one day I will be able to help you. I sure hope so.

xoxo
Posted 2/21/2015 7:21 PM (GMT 0)
We all do really have these days ..when our minds and bodies just cannot kick into gear...

When i worked and that hit me... I would take a day of rest and silence...no electronics or tv.. Its the weekend so just shut it all down for today...and call hubby and ask him to bring dinner back for tonight...

Sometimes if we just give ourselves a day, the next is so much better

Lj
Posted 2/21/2015 7:27 PM (GMT 0)
Hopefully you will not think this is a stupid question, but...

Why wait till 3 am to take the Ambian?

I find that everything is SO MUCH BETTER when I get some sleep, I take my sleep meds faithfully at 10 pm every night and it works wonders. Even if some nights you don't "need" Ambian, it seems like getting in the habit of sleeping would be a good idea.

I wouldn't be at all surprised that the fire drill did you in - between the physical drill and the mental effects, it seems like a reasonable response. Don't beat yourself up for having a normal response!

It's okay if you need a nap after your shower! Hope you feel better soon.
Posted 2/21/2015 8:22 PM (GMT 0)
LJ: Thank you. Sometimes just hearing that helps so much. And yes, he is going to do that, he knows if I were alone I probably would never eat (well maybe ice cream). He's a gem and I'm very lucky. I know so many out there are all alone dealing with this. I give them so much credit. We are all such strong people who feel weak.

Lynnwood: I take the ambien at 2-3 a.m. because I am trying desperately to not use a sleep aid but I think it's time I just accept that I need it and take it earlier. If you don't mind my asking, what sleep aid do you use? I know many people are against ambien and have had bad experiences but the short-term one works well with me. The key is to take it once you are in bed, not walking around the house, because when it hits, it hits. My regular dr thinks I need it because I need to rest but I'm scared it's hurting my brain. Isn't that a ridiculous ironic thing to think. Worried about my brain when my body is falling apart?

I did shower and it helps a lot mentally but physically, I'm zonked! I think it will be nap time with HGTV. I enjoy looking at the different homes and how they are set up. One day I hope to relocate to a warmer climate but I have to wait until my children are done with school. Also, I did not mention that my mom is 90 and lives with me. She is such a gift. But, I do hide this from her a lot so that is extra pressure on me at home I suppose. Don't want her to worry about me as us moms do. :)
Posted 2/21/2015 9:14 PM (GMT 0)
You've got a right to feel like poo today. That's a lot to handle and the stress would be terrible.
Have a crash day and find a good therapist to vent to. I really love mine and am willing to pay out of pocket to see her since insurance won't pay her.
Posted 2/21/2015 10:14 PM (GMT 0)
Faith, I'm trying to get off a sleep aid, too. I've been on Klonopin for about 8 years. I worry, because I read it can predispose older people to Alzheimers (great, just great...exactly what I need.)

So I was trying to get off both it and Hydrocodone at the same time...my doctor wants me to do this, too. I did, without any problems (except for a tiny fraction of a Klonopin) but after a few weeks I was hurting way more and sleeping way less. So right back to square one. It's frustrating, to say the least.

Probably a lot of people will be grossed out by this, but I only take a shower and wash my hair every 3 days...sometimes even 4. I realized after my spine surgery (when I had to go 9 days and no one held their nose!) that there are some advantages to growing older, such as less-oily hair and lack of sweating and body odor. I never dreamed I'd do this, but hey - it takes a significant portion of my energy and movement allotment for the day, and I have to fit so many other things into the rotation.

I never thought I'd do (or not do) a whole world of things, back in the day....but Fibro had other plans for us. You are doing the best you can do on a hard day. Don't beat yourself up over it. It's not your fault! It sounds like your hubby understands, so yes, that's wonderful. I'm sure he doesn't want you to feel guilty about your health.

Debbie
Posted 2/21/2015 11:04 PM (GMT 0)
LOL. I take a horse tranquilizer! Not really, but I take 300 mg of Trazodone. They say it's enough to put a grown man who outweighs me by 150 lbs to sleep.... but some days even that is not enough and I'm awake.

The secret is not what everyone else is taking, but in getting the right med for your particular brand of sleeplessness. If the Ambien helps, take it regularly. If it doesn't help, find something else that does!!

After 40 years of insomnia, I've never ever worried about getting dependent on it... I need sleep NOW, not worrying about something later. Maybe I'm missing something, but I just don't think that's a concern. I just don't see the point in avoiding a sleep aid!! To me that's like avoiding that really great healthy orange over there on the off chance that in 40 years we will discover oranges are bad for humans.

It's proven that without sleep our brains get messed up, and it follows that our bodies do as well.
Posted 2/21/2015 11:20 PM (GMT 0)
How true! As long as these meds are available to us, we might as well use them.

Debbie
Posted 2/21/2015 11:26 PM (GMT 0)
Faith,
I'm glad u r feeling a bit better. U came to the right place to vent! We all get it. Like you I don't want to burden my husband or son so I keep it to myself a lot then come here before I burst.
I believe in having a " poor me day" or letting yourself feel bad. I don't mean for this to be an everyday thing but I know for me when I am in pain from head to toe, tired and just sad I need a day to myself to just feel crappy. I don't want to feel guilty for not working, or not doing chores around the house. Literally " a day off".
I do hope you start to feel better. I know others have it worse than we may, but this is our life and living in chronic pain and fatigue is extremely hard.
I have to admit I've been feeling down myself. Bronchitis, 3rd round of antibiotics, steroids sinus infection and was just told that my knee( I have had 13 surgeries and need another one) has become incredibly unstable and need surgey. As in now or the summer. I thought I was going to be able to wait years...I will be laid up for months..
Glad you posted...u certainly helped me vent a bit too!
We are all here for you!!
Posted 2/21/2015 11:31 PM (GMT 0)
Faith, I totally agree with Lynnwood. If something helps wether it be a sleep aid, narcotics or whatever I'm going to take it. You deserve it and you are worth it!!

I totally understand about feeling guilty about not being able to do things. I have a 15 and 16 year old and until about 7 years ago was a single mom. I use to feel terrible if I felt bad and couldn't do something or go somewhere they wanted to go. But, I had to do what was best for me that day so I would feel better the next day. Since my kids are older now they understand that I'm sick and don't know how I'm going to feel from day to day. Try and not beat yourself up. Don't feel like you're the only one we've all been there.

I hope and pray you will have a good day tomorrow since you took today off. If by chance you don't, don't beat yourself up try and enjoy it. Know that we will all be here if you need us.
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