Posted 7/13/2020 8:11 AM (GMT 0)
Night has fallen and in the dim, candle lit room where Poindexter and Norah are dozing on the uncomfortable love seat. Poindexter hears the whine of a police siren coming from somewhere outside and opens his eyes. He peers down at his precious Norah, who is sleeping on his shoulder. He smiles, gentley removes her cashmere sock cap and rakes his fingers through her blonde, damp hair. Sweat...but Norah's sweat. Ah. He closes his eyes and begins to drift off when there is a knock at the door. (Organ music) Then it becomes a furious pounding.
"open up...Police! Fasky and Dutch here, and we are poised and ready to kick this door down."
Uh Oh.
Norah is startled and starts to sing 'Dirty Diana', as she has been dreaming that she is the half time entertainment at the Super Bowl.
'Norah Fairchild. It's the police. Let me do all the talking," Poindexter says, standing up and gimping to the door. He opens it a crack and sees the two policemen and..... Steede Toesnapper...lying toesnapper to the stars.
"We have a search warrant to enter and rifle through this entire house, including shoes boxes and old purses," the dark haired cop who goes by Farsky says, pushing the door open all the way with his huge Herman Munster boot.
Poindexter steps aside and allows them all to enter. Norah is still in a daze, as The Fog never lifts easily for her. She is looking around for her cashmere sock cap after realizing her head feels a quarter of an ounce lighter.
Farsky and Dutch stand in the entry way and scan the room with their beady eyes. "This man here claims he is Steede Toesnapper and that he was painfully electrocuted with a wet heating pad while sitting in a fibro chair," Dutch says. Dutch is the size of a corn silo and very intimidating. He looms over Farsky...and Steede. Yet his voice sounds like he has sucked all the air of a helium balloon....
Farsky walks over to the simmering fibro chair. 'Ah Ha, Dutch...evidence! Don't anyone touch this chair until we dust it for prints and search for DNA. Even a melted hair plug will do!"
"Ya know...my wife has a fibro chair," Dutch says. "She and her fat can sit in all day long watching the Burning Bed Channel..."
Farsky stares into space for a moment and wonders if HIS wife as a fibro chair...she probably does! There is this one soft goose down filled chair that he is never allowed to sit in...Then he jerks his head and gets back on track. Women. Can't live with them...can't live without them...that's for gosh darn sure.
Poindexter rearranges his NY Giants Snuggie and steps up to Steede who is virtually speechless. He pokes a finger in his chest. "This man is NOT Steede Toesnapper...toesnapper to the stars. He is a fraud. A phoney." (organ music and a zoom to Steedes' bugged out eyeballs.)
"Yeah...that's right!" Norah yells. "He has been illegally snapping my toes for two years!"
Farsky cranks his head towars Steede. "Is this true? Show me you wallet and all of your toesnapping credentials."
Steede searches his pants pockets for his wallet, not realizing Norah stole it from him while he was having a seizure during the botched electrocution. "I....I...can't find it! I must have been robbed by this woman!(he points to Norah) Plus...who carries all there college diploma's and licenses around with them!"
"I do!" says Dutch. He reaches into his back pocket a pulls out a ten pound roll of papers. OMG.
'That is neither here nor there at the moment," Farsky sighs, bending over to smell the fibro chair. "No question there has been a crime commited ...right here...in this smoldering, stinking mound of foam rubber." (This cop is such a genius. Mensa Cop.)
Poindexter feels a pulsing surge of rage coarse through him. "What is wrong with the two of you! This man who calls himself Steede Toesnapper has committed crimes against unsuspecting people needing foot emergencies! He has stolen a dead man's identity!"
"Yeah!" Norah screeches. "Plus he has led me to believe I have given birth to twins...or at least one of them...can't remember if it was Dakotah or Destiny...and...and...he cheated on me with my own sister! Furthermore, I am my own grandmother so don't mess with me...I have been known to take a face full of pepper spray in the past to defend my rights...and this man has done me wrong...yeah, he has, yeah....many times. about thirty, I would say."
(Camera zoom to Poindexter's face which is the color of corn starch. He begged her not to talk)
Dutch looks Steede straight in the eye. 'You could be in a mighty big pile of trouble, mister man," he says. "Not that a crime has not been committed right here in this expensive brownstone. But stealing the identity of a dead man will probably come with a pretty heavy penalty. Hundreds of dollars maybe and some time in the slammer."
"It's not true!" Steede whines. "Prove it, you scrawny, pencilneck fibromite! Prove what you are accusing me of!"
"And so I shall," Poindexter says, reaching for the computer.
Norah hitches over to Dutch. "You look like a man who might have a Milky Way bar or two on him...might I ask to borrow one?" (BORROW a milky way bar??)
"As a matter of fact, I do liitle missus," he says, plucking a giant size, eight dollar Movie Theatre bar out of his holster. Norah's eyes light up...if the world ran out of Milky Way Bars she surely would die.
While Poindexter begins his Google search, Dutch and Norah share the candy bar and he asks her about the unique phenonomen about being her own grandmother. We fade to black. Organ music and a commercial for the do- it -at home liposuction kit, then Robert Wagner trying to convince old folks to get a reverse mortgage.