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Posted 2/11/2009 11:12 PM (GMT 0)
     I just returned from the hospital where my brother 56 was diagnosed with ESLD. He has been a drinker and drug addict all his life, butHe wont quit drinking or taking drugs and hr told his Dr. that, so his Dr. quit. I dont what to do now.  I dont want to watch im die Last year I watched my Mother Father Husband and Aunt all die within a year from different things and all suddenly. I dont think I ncan taake care of my brother anymore, sorry about the typos cant see through the tears. He wont go to hospice or a nursing home and he wont quit drinking but I dont want him to die on the street. He really is a kind great guy and I love him alot  Any suggestions

 

Posted 2/12/2009 12:22 AM (GMT 0)

Laurie, as hard as it might be, you need to practice some "tough love."  Tell him he either stops drinking and drugging or you will have him put out.  If I recall, you mentioned in a previous post that he is staying with you.  You can look for a detox center for him, though they often have a waiting list and he would have to go voluntarily, which I doubt he will.  The only other thing you can do is to see about getting him committed to a treatment facility under a Meyer's Act, which is for alcoholics/addicts who are a danger to themselves or others.  It takes a couple of doctors to be willing to state this.  He can then be court-ordered to treatment.

I think you can understand why doctors don't want to spend their time on liver disease patients who refuse to quit drinking or drugging.  Whatever is done medically will do absolutely no good until he stops drinking.  Your only alternative is to just accept him as he is and put up with the drinking/drugging...and watch him die.

I am so sorry.

Hugs,

Posted 2/12/2009 2:41 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Laurie, I just wanted to take the time to welcome you to the forum. I am so sorry for all that you have been through and all that you are going through with your brother. I know it cannot be easy watching your brother do this to himself. My brother-in-law passed away 6 years ago from cirrhosis. When he found out he was sick he decided he wanted to rush things up. So, he went on a binge of alcohol and drugs. He died some months later. My husband was diagnosed with cirrhosis about 2 1/2 years ago. He stopped drinking as soon as he got the news. I just wish it would have been a little sooner.

I'll be praying for you both.
Posted 2/12/2009 4:40 AM (GMT 0)

If I can keep him warm and dry and fed then I guess that is what Ill do. When he gets out he will want alcohol. He will be able to pay for it ,but not drive If I refuse to get it for him he nwill walk or steal a car. I dont want to be a party to a drunk drivng accident. He says he will kill himself and wants to die. If the hospital sends him here is it wrong of me to get him booze to keep him off the highway? I know it will kill him, but Im afraid he is so far gone he is going to kill an innocent person Thanks. Last year I had to "pull the plug" on my husband who had a major stroke, except its called "start the process" not pull the plug and they take off all life support. He had a living will and thats what he wanted. I have felt quilty ever since, like I choose to kill my husband instead of help him, even though the Drs. said there was no hope. Now I feel the same way with my brother, but could not stand myself if I let him drive and kill someone

Posted 2/12/2009 5:21 PM (GMT 0)
(((Laurie))), I know that you are in a tough position again. I was in that same position........When first diagnosed my husband would not quit drinking.....nothing I said or did got through to him......it had to come from him. He had to make to choice live or die. My choice was ......do I leave him and have him end up on the streets? ( his family sure weren't going to take him in) or do I stick it out and help him as much as I could? Since he was sick and dying. I chose to stay.......we were married and there is no way that I could do anything else and live with myself. I actually believe in the words.....for better or for worse.

If it was my brother and there was not another avenue to take.......I'd do the same thing. I couldn't let my brother die on the streets. Just the way I was raised..........Family first. Each individual has to explore their options and make their own decision on how to handle their situation. There is many variables that factor into any decision like that....kids,spouses,housing, money,emotional ability,etc.

Good luck and take care..........oops.........by the way welcome to HealingWell....we are glad that you are with us.

Thoughts and prayers..........
Posted 2/12/2009 5:27 PM (GMT 0)

Laurie,

Your husband was probably thinking of you when he made his living will.   He knew what he wanted.   He didn't want you (or anyone else)  to have to make that decision.   You may feel sad, but don't feel guilty.   We don't get a choice about coming into this world, but some get a choice of how to leave it.   Death is so personal.   I am only beginning to understand these things as my best friend loses her own battle with ESLD from cirrhosis and Hep C.   

Your love and compassion for your brother is beautiful.   Do what makes you comfortable.   I still get cigarettes for my girlfriend even though I know she shouldn't be smoking.    I can't make the call for you on getting alcohol for your brother, but you will do what you can live with.   

My friend stopped drinking 6 months after her diagnosis and has actually told me that she was greatful for this disease because it got her to stop drinking.   She had been trying for over 30 years with no success.   It sounds odd, I know, but once I thought about what she was saying and how hard it has been for her all these years knowing that she needed to quit but couldn't, I understood.   Alcohol gets a hold on people just like any other addictive substance.    Since it's legal and sold in grocery stores, etc. it seems like it's ok.   Knowing what I know now, I am so glad I gave it up 30 years ago.   

You try to hang in there.   This stuff is hard, but coming to the forum and reading helps me.  I hope it helps you too.   All of us are going through something similar and it's comforting to me to read others' posts to know that I am not alone.     Now you are not alone either!   

Posted 2/12/2009 7:42 PM (GMT 0)
Laurie, welcome to the forum. I too am so sorry that you have had to deal with so much pain wiyh the loss of your family. I have a couple comments about your concerns. First, everyone has the right to decide what they want done medically in the event that there is no quality of life and no hope of recovery. It seems to be very common that the survivng loved ones feel tremendous guilt when the time comes to follow thru with the wishes of the patient. The important thing to remember is that HE chose to stop life support not you. Many of us have had to face the heart rending decision to do just that so I feel tremendous compassion for you. That said, you must remind yourself that there was nothing you could have done to change your husbands condition. If there had been you would have done it. At some point I think it's healthy to sit down and rationalize if what you truly feel is guilt. More often than not I think it's the helplessness and sorrow we feel rather than guilt. I went thru a similar thing when my mom passed away. I really and truly thought it was guilt that I felt but it was actually sorrow. The other comment is about your brother. He has made the choice to drink and do drugs until he no longer can right? Hep 93 is right, you only have 2 choices, kick him out or send him to rehab against his will, or....buy his alcohol to keep him off the road. This is clearly difficult and shame on him for putting you in this position. The end result is he made the choices he's made and you are NOT responsible. Whatever decision you make is the right decision. Try to remember that old addage "It's the least of all the evils". We are here for you and I will support any decision you make.
Posted 2/12/2009 10:16 PM (GMT 0)

Laurie, as a sober alcoholic I look at things differently.  I could never supply an alcoholic with booze.  I don't even want to be around a drinking alcoholic...I refuse to be.  That does not mean it is wrong for you to supply alcohol to your brother, even knowing that he is killing himself.  It is as though he had signed a DNR--same result.  It's his decision to continue drinking.

Whatever you decide, we are all here for you.  I just wanted to clarify my stance and why I feel as I do.

Hugs,

Posted 2/25/2009 8:19 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks to everyone for the support. I really appreciate it. Ive arranged for my brother to be admitted to a nursing home when death is near, and he has agreed. I continue to buy him alcohol to keep him off the streets, but I feel better about it now , Lke it is his decision, I never volunteer to get him alcohol, but will when he asks. Thank you everyone!!!
Posted 2/25/2009 9:11 PM (GMT 0)

Hi, Laurie!  It's good to hear from you.  I'm glad to hear you've made plans for a NH and that your brother is agreeable to that when the time comes.

Please keep us posted.

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