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Posted 3/14/2009 4:10 AM (GMT 0)
I feel awful, I've not posted in awhile but have been lurking. I wanted to update on my husband, Pink Grandma, Connie and so many of you helped me during my previous 'crisis' and were so wonderful then. A couple weeks ago my father-in-law got sick and went to the ER. He ended up being admitted with a possible heart attack. That was on a Wednesday. On March 2, he passed. The day after he was admitted, Jeff was admitted because his PCP found a blood clot in his hepatic vein. He went in that Thursday, the docs did an ultrasound that day and said there was no clot. So Friday, they scoped him to see how things were and banded six spots. They released him on Saturday (Feb. 28). He came home all dopey and slept all day and night, which I expected. Sunday, he pretty much did the same and I started to worry and tried to get him to go to the ER. He kept waking up and saying he was sick, his chest hurt, couldn't breathe, etc. When I said I was going to call the ambulance, he was like give me 2 minutes...later that evening, he took off his socks and I noticed his toenails were blue. His extremities were really cold and I didn't think he'd used the bathroom that much. Unfortunately, I was a little late to realize all this, as my daughter and I were busy finishing up moving out of the house we'd been renting. We are staying with my in-laws...well, mother in law. Finally, Jeff was okay with me calling the ambulance. By the time they got here, which was literally just a few minutes, he was cyanotic. They were not able to get a BP reading or a pulse. They put him on oxygen and took him to the hospital.

The next day, his father passed. Apparently he had CHF and his kidneys and liver had shut down. It's still a shock, as he was an extremely active 85-year-old man, went to the Y a couple times a week, golfed 2-3 times a week weather permitting, even did his own yard work. We had no indication at all he was that ill.

Jeff has progressively gotten worse. When he was admitted to the ICU on March 1, the ER doc talked to me and said that if there were any other children or family, to bring them in to say goodbye. He stared to rally a bit, but then got worse again. He's almost bled out several times since he was admitted, twice this week. All three of his doctors recommended calling in Hospice, which we have done, and let me know it was not going to reverse. At this point, Hospice is taking care of him in the hospital until a bed is open for him at the facility I have chosen near our home. If we had been able to find a place to rent before this happened, I would have brought him home if possible, but considering the bleeding and the fact that we are at his mom's, I cannot possibly ask her to watch her son die day in and day out in her home after having her husband pass so soon. I have involved her in the decision making process in all this and we have agreed on everything. We have made him a DNR, with no more procedures, etc, just comfort and care. This was a lot harder to do than I would have thought. Every time I make a decision, I call my little sister, the nurse and ask did I do the right thing? I love my sister so much, she is so great to me! Jeff is really confused, not eating, sleeping a lot and of course conversations don't always make sense. He asked me today where he was and he couldn't remember how to use a fork and would not let me feed him. So I went out and got him a Jamocha shake from Arby's. Screw nutrition, he could drink it and at least there are a few calories in it. Unfortunately, I have noticed he is having a hard time swallowing.

I know I haven't exactly put all this down in a clear, concise manner, but I wanted to share and I really appreciate y'all "listening". It's helped just to put it all down. I think I've left a few things out, but basically, we're at the end. I have to give kudos to the hospital, Memorial North Park of Chattanooga, the doctors that have treated him, both Memorial staff and Hospice, and everyone else involved in his care. This is the first time in the what, almost 4 years since he's been diagnosed, that the doctors took the time to talk to me and offer their support, etc. Not even his PCP bothered to let us know anything. Apparently he'd been diagnosed with PAD (by his PCP) a year or so ago, but he never bothered to tell Jeff at all.

Hope all is well and this year is a good one for all of you and your families.
Posted 3/14/2009 4:48 AM (GMT 0)

Polydipsia, it's good to see you posting.  I'm sorry about your father-in-law's passing, especially while your husband is going through crisis.  It does seem that you are doing what's best for your husband.  I'm glad that you have hospice involved.  They will be a great help to the family as well as the patient.  At this point, is your husband's main problem liver disease or cardiovascular disease?  Is there nothing more that can be done for him?

Be sure to take time for yourself and keep us updated.

Posted 3/14/2009 4:56 AM (GMT 0)

Ohhh Poly,  I am so sorry.  You have been through the wringer since you last posted.  You are one tough cookie. 

Doctors are notorius for not explaining, educating and sometimes not notifying their patients......My husband had a MRI ( Ordered by his GI doctor) in November of 2005 which showed a mass in his liver.......we were told about it by his hepatologist in late January.  He made us pack our bags and go to the hospital for more testing.

Hang in there.......lot's of thoughts and prayers....  

 

Posted 3/14/2009 12:55 PM (GMT 0)

Welcome back Jen,

 

I’m sorry to hear you are in the middle of two crises at once.  I can only hope I go out like your father-in-law did; 85 years young and seemingly healthy.  He either didn’t have or didn’t report any congestive heart failure symptoms.  My guess is that he didn’t report them.  He didn’t want to end up in the hospital.  He simply wanted to “Live until he died.”  I can respect that.  I hope your mother-in-law takes comfort in that as well.  I suspect that you and your mother-in-law are bonding on a new level and are a great source of support to one another.  She understands what you can only imagine.  It must be surreal.

 

Jeff knew months ago what he needed to do, but he couldn’t comply.  Not everyone has a zest for life (or a will to live) as your father-in-law did.  If Jeff doesn’t have the wherewithal to fight, it is out of your hands.  All you can do is make him as comfortable as possible.  It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or the kids, it simply means he hasn’t the strength to fight.  He may feel he is doing you a favor.  Appreciate that and make his passing compassionate.  He loves you.  Don’t feel guilty.  Love him for letting go.  He recognizes his faults and doesn’t want to burden you and the kids.  Be at peace.

 

Be careful not to be angry if you children are relieved.  They will miss him terribly, but kids are honest and immature.  Their spirits are young and strong and I’m certain this has been weighing on them.  The gravity of what they’ve lost will not resonate until they have families of their own.  This is where you should draw your strength.  Life goes on.  Your oldest child is 19.  Consider his/her children.  I know no greater love than what I have for my Grandson.  I can tell you that you have so much love to look forward to.

 

As I said before, you are as tough as nails and I know you and the kids will be fine.  Your mother-in-law is probably in need of more attention these days.  Do what you can for her.  I’m sure she will reciprocate.  It is bad enough for her to loose her husband, but we are supposed to out-live our children.  She must be devastated and is probably more vulnerable that you know.   

 

Trust that you’ve made the right decisions for yourself and for you kids.  Hospice is an incredible group of caring people that will help you in the transition.  I can’t say enough about them.  Lean on them.  It is what they expect and they are more than willing to help. 

 

Don’t be too hard on you PCP.  He probably told Jeff what was going on, but Jeff either didn’t want to hear it or was too confused to remember.  PAD (peripheral artery disease) was the least of Jeff’s problems.  Keep an open mind.  Discuss this with your PCP especially if you feel otherwise.  It’s important to trust your PCP.

 

I’ve never met you, but I feel close to you.  I can relate to what you are going through.  Know that there are good things to come for you.  Focus on the positive and maintain your sense of humor.  As I said before, you are as tough as nails and you will get your family through this.

 

Love and prayers.  May God bless you and your family.

 

Penny 

 

Posted 3/16/2009 4:00 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Poly,

You've been through so much. It sounds like you're keeping your head about you though. So many times I've had to just "put one foot in front of the other" just to keep going. I'm glad you have a sister like you describe. I have a couple of best girlfriends close by, but my sisters live pretty far away. Lean on those you can and help those you can. I believe as Penny does, that "there are good things to come for you." I have found that all through my life. Truly when one door closes, a window opens. For you I hope the rest of this journey is peaceful. Though it may not be, you will be stronger from all of this and you've shown a love you probably didn't know you had!

My thoughts and prayers are for you.

Joan
Posted 3/18/2009 3:32 AM (GMT 0)
Hey all,

Thanks for all thes upport. Sorry I went MIA again. Spent most of the weekend at the hospital. I'm sad to say that Jeff passed yesterday afternoon. Megan, our daughter, and I were with him when he went. While we are very sad, there is a sense of relief that he is over the pain and all that the illness has brought to him. I don't plan on disappearing, I'd like to hopefully be able to contribute and help others as they unfortunately get diagnoses for themselves or their loved ones. It's hard to deal with this disease, no matter how much you know from reading, etc. I really do appreciate the support that y'all have shown me and I know that we'll be ok, I've got wonderful friends and my sister and the kids, even though sad, are relieved and I totally understand that. Our 14-year-old was worrying today about being the 'man of the house' and I told him no, he was to just worry about being a kid and doing well in school and living a normal teen life. I dont' want him stressing the other stuff, that's my job. You should have seen the relief on his face. God, I love that kid, lol. Anyway, I am going to go cuddle with our 9-year-old and watch Igor. I hope you all have a wonderful night and again, thanks so much for the support.
Posted 3/18/2009 4:11 AM (GMT 0)
(((Polly))), I am so sorry. Please accept my sincere condolences on your husband's passing. Yes his suffering is over, but it still devastating to those who are left behind. If you ever need to talk.....my email is in my profile.
And we would love you to continue to post when ever you are up to it.

Lot's of thoughts and prayers to you and yours..........
Posted 3/18/2009 10:37 AM (GMT 0)
Polly

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My thougths and prayers go out to you and your family. May you all find the strength to get through this difficult time.

Lucy
Posted 3/19/2009 5:29 AM (GMT 0)

Polly, I am so sorry for your loss.  I was with my husband when he died in January and I felt the same relief that he was not suffering anymore.  We want them with us forever, but the suffering is so horrible.  I hope you find comfort in that he is not suffering anymore.  Take of those kids and yourself.  My prayers are with you and your family.

Helen

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