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Dad is getting so weak and tired

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Posted 1/20/2010 2:58 AM (GMT 0)
I feel the need to talk about my Dad.  I have posted before but to summarize,  my Dad has alcohol Cirrhosis at age 73.  Not a candidate for transplant.  Hospice was called in right before Christmas.  He continues to drink but at this point the Drs say it really would not buy him much time if he stopped.  We just want him to be comfortable and at home as long as he can be.  He is getting weaker and weaker by the day and I get concerned that my Mom won't be able to care for him even with Hospice help.    I am still obsessed with the "how long does he have?" question.  He has ascites that gets drained every 2-3 weeks.  He is very thin (except for his belly) and sleeps most of the time.  Thankfully he is stillmentally there (for the most part) and can have a good conversation when he isn't sleeping.   Who here knows how long he has?  will he just not wake up one day?  I know people lose parents and life goes on but at this point I really find it hard to breath sometimes.  Thanks all for listening.

Donna 

Posted 1/20/2010 3:14 AM (GMT 0)

Donna, some people go into a coma before they pass away.  Speak to Hospice about it.  They deal with illness and death on a daily basis and are very good at pinpointing when someone is close to death.  It doesn't sound like your dad is there yet if he is still able to carry on a lucid conversation at times.

Big hugs,

Connie


Posted 1/20/2010 9:29 AM (GMT 0)
yes, i would speak to the hospice about your dad. it is a horrible time for you right now, I know it must be hard. Unfortunately no one has the exact answers that you are looking for.
Recently i watched my wee gran slowly die in front of me. I googled every change in her to prepare myself (daft I know but it helped me to cope), you can get a little obsessed about it. I know it was different for her as she was 89, and refused to eat or drink, it took 6 weeks. the longest 6 weeks of my life. when i look back now it was probably the quickest. I have watched my mum an alcoholic who is in total denial of what is happening to her, she still drinks and like yourself i want answers with her that i cannot have.
Get advice, be with your dad as much as it is possible,if he is still lucids talk to him treasure him. You never know what lies ahead of you, so these moments you will remember, they are important.
I had a really good visit with my mum yesterday, which does not happen that often. I felt that i connected with her a little and it breaks my heart that we cannot be like that most of the time, but if anything happens to her i have that little bit to remind me and that is precious.
If you feel the need to talk then do so...it will help
Posted 1/20/2010 4:07 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you both for the replies. I have also been obsessive by googling every symptom trying to learn and anticipate. I know I am supposed to "let go and let god" but I am really stuggling with that. I will spend as much time as I can with my Dad and try to brighten his last moments. While I am watching my Dad waste away I am also concerned about my Mom. They have been married for 55 years and while she is a tough lady I see this wearing on her. She is not eating and she also is a drinker like Dad and she is getting thinner and thinner by the day. How do you love unconditionally without trying to fix everything? Also another thing I need to fix about me. I thank you all for your advice and just talking to someone who understands is comforting. This forum is heartbreaking to see what everyone is going thru but it is also a beautiful thing to see total strangers coming together to offer support and comfort.

Donna
Posted 1/20/2010 5:08 PM (GMT 0)

In Co-Dependency meetings, I learned to "detach with love."  This is a way of separating yourself and letting go of what you cannot "fix."  It keeps you from getting caught up in obsessive behavior, but it takes practice.

Hugs,

Connie


Posted 1/21/2010 1:13 AM (GMT 0)
My husband is pretty much the same as your dad. Also not a candidate for transplant.We have hospice care now, too. It seems like I lose a little more of him each day. He is so quiet now, barely says a word unless he needs help with something. He is only 54.
I have been somewhat obsessed with "how much time does he have left" and have been trying to get the labs so I can get his meld score. I still won't know how much time, but maybe I will have an idea about how much his liver has deteriorated.
Sometimes I just can't believe all this has happened to us. I am trying to take each day as it comes and let him know that I love him, no matter what. It is hard isn't it?
My friend always tells me to put on my "big girl pants". But there are days when I can't even find em much less put em on. :(
Posted 1/21/2010 3:23 AM (GMT 0)
Redhen, Dont worry about those big girl pants right now, your are wearing the pants of a wife, friend, nurse and so on..... I think if anything you are wearing pants that are too BIG! Take a breath, if you need a cry the shower is a good place for one. If you need to, hold his hand while he sleeps, kiss him at least once a day. Never forget to wash your hair and get dressed every day, keep being you!
Sue
Posted 1/21/2010 3:26 AM (GMT 0)
Redhen, I am sorry to hear about your husband. 54 is too young to have to suffer from this disease. I understand about the big girl pants. Somedays you just want to huddle under the covers and hide. My prayers are with you and your family. Sounds like we both jneed to quit trying to find the answers and just receive each day as the gift that it is. Please keep me posted on how you and your husband are doing. I will do the same because it helps to say it (type it) out loud vs keeping it bottled up.

Donna
Posted 1/21/2010 5:20 PM (GMT 0)
it is hard to tell when it gonna happen. my mom was deteriorating but still had energy and could walk up a storm as long as she took breaks, her blood levels were good and she was mentally there but then one day had a perforated ulcer and it went downhill from there. hospice in my moms case was not necessary but every case is different. i wish you well and i hope you find it comforting that there are people here who understand. i will pray for you

Posted 1/22/2010 3:18 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you worried girl. I hope you are doing well, I was so sorry to hear about your Mom.

I went to my parents for dinner last night. When I walked in my Dad was laying on the floor in front of the bathroom with his head on a pillow in his underwear. I had to laugh (once I verified he wasn't hurt). He was so weak he could not make the three steps from the toilet seat to his wheelchair even with my Mom's help and collapsed to the floor. That has happened 3 times this week. I couldn't get him up either so we had to call 911 (non-emergency) to help. Once we got him back in his chair his first request was his scotch. What do I do? The man is dying and will continue to drink to the very end. It is too late to change things now. Even Hospice said he should at least have a drink a day to he wont go into withdrawals.

Connie mentioned Co-Dependancy, I think I will look that up and see if I can get some help for myself. I actually feel guilty that I cannot make my Dad better.
Posted 1/22/2010 3:42 AM (GMT 0)

Donna, if you call AA, they will be able to tell you where there is a Codpendents meeting and the days and times.  You could also look into Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings.  They are really great, too.  In addition, Melody Beattie has terriific books that the Codependency meetings are based on: Codependent No More; Codependent No More and Getting Better All The Time; The Language of Letting Go and More Language of Letting Go.  You can get those on Amazon or at half.com.

Hugs,

Connie

Posted 1/22/2010 3:52 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you Connie, I will look into the getting these books.
Posted 1/27/2010 1:59 PM (GMT 0)
the guilt is normal dtm. i felt it to but you have to remind yourself t hat you didnt cause this and y ou cant perform miracles.
Posted 1/28/2010 1:10 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you Worriedgirl. I do try to remind myself that. I get so caught up in "if only I could" I hope you are doing good. Thank you for reaching out to me.


Donna
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