Uncooperative Alcoholic father with ESLD

Does anyone have experience dealing with a loved one that is hellbent on self-destruction? My father is very ill with ESLD, he was admitted to hospital with severe ascites. He's on diuretic therapy but was barely home one day before he was drunk as a skunk. How long do u keep trying? when do you walk away from someone who fights you on every level and is totally in denial. I wouldn't wish his living conditions and quality of life on a dog,yet he wants any help on his terms. I'm pulling my hair out. I'm also totally alone on this. all family out of state?

Any advice?

Imalittleteapot, welcome to the forum.  You can start by doing a search for alcoholic cirrhosis and reading some of the posts on here.  I also suggest you read the info in the folder at the top of the page, entitled Hepatitis Resources.  It will tell you what to expect with ESLD.  I will tell you, as a sober alcoholic (23 1/2 yrs. of continuous sobriety, thanks to AA), that there is not one thing you can do for your father if he is intent on drinking.  The doctors will not be able to help him, either.  I had a mother who was a lifelong alcoholic and I finally found it necessary to cut off all ties with her in order to maintain my own sanity.  She died alone in a hospital, but I have no regrets.  Perhaps the difference is that I only spent 6 yrs. of my life with her, and there was never a real emotional connection, especially on her part.  This is a decision you will have to make--when enough is enough.  NC is correct, though--you have to take care of yourself, first and foremost, regardless of your decision.  And don't get caught up in all the drama.  There are certainly many here who can relate to you and give you support and information.

Hugs,

Connie

Thank you all for your input. Just a little background. I've actually been quite estranged from my dad for a number of years due in large part to the drinking. So we aren't exactly close. I've been in counseling and I've tried very hard to maintain healthy boundaries, to stay away from the "drama" as you put it. Because it is totally that, DRAMA. This isn't my first go around with drunks. My mom and brother both were severe hardcore alcoholics and drug addicts. Amazingly they are both sober now. Thank God. But seems too late for my Dad at this point. Its so terribly sad though as he is only 63 and from the neck down he looks and moves like he is 90. Because we were estranged I had no idea of his health problems. I would talk to him occasionally and he seemed strong enough. He had back surgery last fall (which i think has precipitated a big decline in his health) but he had insurance at that time and had physical therapists working with him and seemed on the mend. So it was a big shock when I got a call that he was at the hospital (at no point has cirrhosis ever been mentioned)and that he had been in hospital for ten days. He was telling the nurses he had no family. and then lying to me that Ohhh noooo he gave them my number, what was i talking about? He was released from the hospital on tuesday. Unsafe discharge. Hospital stated he needed a placement in an assisted living. However at this point he has no insurance and he is not 65 and is unable to work. He doesn't want to go to a nursing home, he wants to stay in his own apartment,blah blah blah. So we are kind of between a rock and a hard place. His "friends" have abandoned him because the situation is so demoralizing. He's unable or unwilling to even try to get up and use the restroom. So he's been urinating on himself on the couch and then sleeping in it. He has bedsores which I guess I'm going to have to change the bandage because if I don't who will? I"m sooooo angry and resentful about this situation. To be sick and have the choice to extend your life and choose instead to drive the nail into the coffin further just baffles me. But its truly so difficult to know someone is in such dire straits (and truly i don't think mentally he's all there, i requested a psych eval in hospital...that was a joke,so officially he's mentally fit and in control of his life)in their own filth, facing eviction and killing themselves with drink and walk away...Its so upsetting especially when you are a sensitive person that wouldn't like to see ANYONE in that circumstance, much less a family member. Thats my struggle. Knowing at some point I will more than likely have to walk away. and dealing with the churning internal feelings it brings up of helplessness and grief
Its good to know that there are other people that can empathize.
Thanks.
p.s. anyone have any experience with MELD scores?

Post Edited (imalittleteapot) : 4/30/2010 6:30:12 PM (GMT-6)

N C born and bred, hep93,allie2631 and arneeb. thanks for sharing some of your story with me. I wish none of us had these tales to tell. Its nice to know though that one is not alone.

Teapot, I wish I could give you the solution to this circumstance but none of us can. I can tell you to be careful and not get lost in the mess he has made of his life, it can drag you down. He made the mess not you, he made the choice not you. If you go to his home and he is incoherant you can call 911 and when he is at the hospital you can tell them he has been having severe mental status changes and has lost all his adl skills( personal care skills). then a social worker should get involved to get him help. Please take care of you first and foremost, I wish you the best.
Sue

my muma also went through a stage when she was incontinent both ways, I got her referred to the incontinence clininc and we got all the bed pads, nappies etc. but that stage passed, so it makes me think that maybe the encelepathy was bad there. She also has had a couple of major bowel operations so she hates taking the lactulose, vicious circle. She gets occasions now when she is so drunk she cannot get up and wete herself where she is and sleeps. it is so sad because she used to be such a proud woman.
years ago we spent a lot of time apart because of her drinking, I think it was easier to stay away because then it was just the drink she had no other health problems, little did I know...

POwer of Attorney and Medical Directive... and a will... things you absolutely need to have... can't say it enough... I would have died if the family put their will over Mike's in the final arrangments...

Teapot, you are definately not alone in this situation. My dad is 62, has hep c, cirrhosis, and also chooses to continue to drink! I really had a hard time dealing with this at first but have decided that this is the decision he has made and all I can do is be there for him and to do what I can for him while I still can. There are still days when I shed tears over it but I have to keep reminding myself that it is his decision and nothing we say or do can change it. I really feel he is in denial about it because right now he will tell you he does not have cirrhosis . So far he is continuing to make his dr visits and taking the medication being prescribed so I consider that a plus for now. I really feel in time that he will quit drinking but as we all know it will be way too late.

As for now all you can do is keep your chin up, do what you can while you can but most importantly make time for yourself!!


keeping you in my thoughts and prayers,

Shelia