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Posted 10/6/2010 8:59 PM (GMT 0)
hi its me worriedgirl. i know i am no longer a caretaker but i like this thread. i miss my mom everyday and lately even more so as next month is the one year anniversary of her death. im already feeling it. last week i tried to get my sister to go to lunch with me as i am missing my family and there was a million to one excuses why she couldnt. it got me to thinking if my mom were around we could have went to lunch, which brought tears to my eyes. i still feel that no one in my family knows what i went through that week. they all saw me as the one who held it together but inside i was dying. i was hoping one person would come up to me and hug me and say i know how  you feel. they all gathered around my sister as i did everything to prepare for the funeral. it saddens me. my uncle said  he could tell that i was a mess but also he thought that my doing what i was doing was a coping mechanism and that was how i handled things. no i wanted to say hey i need comfort too it was my mom too. but all i got was my cousin saying that everyone thought i gave up on my mom, which btw i didnt i just knew that it was over and that she was gone, my aunt attacking me at the hospital cause i didnt want  her to go back there right then and almost both of us getting kicked out, then the day of my moms last emergency surgery my cousin had the nerve to ask me if i was holding a grudge against his mom. excuse me this day was not about her, i was worried about my mom and did not care about his mom. no one asked me if i was ok. it hurt and now reflecting on it, actually my husband asking me if i was ok. there were a few that kept asking me if i  had broke down yet and that wasnt even my family. no i didnt break down cause i didnt have time too. i needed to get her funeral planned as everything fell onto my shoulders. am i bitter, no im not im just reflecting. everyone thinks that i am the strong one of the family and it sucks that no one thinks i need a shoulder to cry on. im sorry i am rambling on, its been a bad day here as i  have a uti, my work is angry i called off and im missing my mom terribly.

Posted 10/7/2010 5:03 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Worried Girl, What I take from your message is that your Mom's last illness was horrific and emotional for you and for your family. I think my hubby is going down that path, and wonder if there is any way to prepare now for that time, for him, for me, for his daughter and grandchildren? This week or this month or in two years. I don't think there is any getting out of this downward path just now. There is only having the best life possible for the days, weeks, years that are left. Maybe he'd get a transplant down the line. Who knows if he'd qualify in time. Or if there'd be match for him.

I am sure you did everything you could for your Mom. How could you have done less? And any missteps along the way were still for the right reasons...because you loved her and wanted her to live...and then to pass with dignity.

My sister lost her spouse to colon cancer 7 months ago this week. She continues to be very depressed. She wants to go over and over everything...she should have done this or that, the doctor must have made some mistakes, the hospital wasn't diligent enough and her partner got mrse, the outcome could have been different... But it could not have been. Her partner was a goner...stage IV the day of the diagnosis and 12 weeks later...passed overnight. At first there was the intensity of things to be looked after...arrangements to be made, the funeral, the guests, the meals for crowds... She held it together. And afterwards, folks were solicitious. And then everyone folded back in to their own lives. But her journey now is alone.
She sits on her bed and cries most days.

I want to live now. I want him to live now too. The best that we can. And then I want the end to be brief and not too horrific. And then I want to be okay. Alone. That will be the hard part. In the end we are all alone. At this point I am mostly frightened.

How must it be for the patients? They know in their heart that something is really wrong and...you hope that they can do what they need to do to make the days last as long as possible. ML
Posted 10/8/2010 3:01 AM (GMT 0)

Emma, great news!  I hope he keeps going forward and learns everything he can in the program.  Do they use the 12 steps?

Hugs,

Connie

Posted 10/8/2010 4:11 AM (GMT 0)

Thanks for the reply, Emma.  I hope his counselor will encourage him to go to AA when he finishes the current program.

Hugs,

Connie

Posted 10/8/2010 9:21 AM (GMT 0)
Dean was on anti-anxiety meds for a few years after he quit drinking. Initially,he didn't quit by choice. I had to drag him to the ER in July, 2006. He was dying and didn't think he was sick. The wake up call finally sank in when they told him he had Hep C, his liver was a lump of coal and he would die in a few weeks if he didn't quit drinking. The good news was if he quit, he might make it a few months. I took him home expecting him to die soon and after years of hearing his promises to quit drinking, I thought it was only a matter of time before he started sneaking bottles into the house again. I figured there was nothing left for me to do execpt make him comfortable. He slept almost 24 hours a day for the first month. I would hand feed him breakfast before I left for work, leave juice and water on the night stand and lunch in the fridge. When I got home, I fed him dinner and helped him shower. What I didn't expect was for him to slowly recover and stay sober. After a few months, he started walking around the neighborhood, first a few blocks and then a few miles. I was waiting for the day he would walk to the liquor store but it never happened. It was like getting to know a new person. We could have conversations at night that he would actually remember in the morning. He joined a gym and started golfing again. I mentally burried the person he used to be and fell in love with a completely different person. We found a Hep C support group at a local hospital and celebrated his one year anniversary of being sober with new hope of a life together. When he was diagnosed with liver cancer in March, 2010, I felt like I was going to lose him a second time. It didn't seem fair after all we had been through. There were still a lot of times when he snapped at me because he was frustrated and didn't feel well. I complained about it many times on this board but we got through it and it's been two months since his transplant. I'm thankful for every day I have him with me. They can change but it has to be up to them. I had begged, pleaded, cried, prayed and threatened and NOTHING made him quit drinking except his own will. The anti-anxiety medication was what really helped him to quit. We were told that doctors usually give it for only a few weeks but they didn't think he was going to live so they kept giving it to him as long as he was alive and sober. He was on some form of anti-anxiety meds for a few years. I am convinced he would have started drinking again if he didn't have the medication to take when he felt like drinking. This is just my personal experience.
Linda
Posted 10/8/2010 12:52 PM (GMT 0)

MamaLama said...
Dear Worried Girl, What I take from your message is that your Mom's last illness was horrific and emotional for you and for your family. I think my hubby is going down that path, and wonder if there is any way to prepare now for that time, for him, for me, for his daughter and grandchildren? This week or this month or in two years. I don't think there is any getting out of this downward path just now. There is only having the best life possible for the days, weeks, years that are left. Maybe he'd get a transplant down the line. Who knows if he'd qualify in time. Or if there'd be match for him.

I am sure you did everything you could for your Mom. How could you have done less? And any missteps along the way were still for the right reasons...because you loved her and wanted her to live...and then to pass with dignity.

My sister lost her spouse to colon cancer 7 months ago this week. She continues to be very depressed. She wants to go over and over everything...she should have done this or that, the doctor must have made some mistakes, the hospital wasn't diligent enough and her partner got mrse, the outcome could have been different... But it could not have been. Her partner was a goner...stage IV the day of the diagnosis and 12 weeks later...passed overnight. At first there was the intensity of things to be looked after...arrangements to be made, the funeral, the guests, the meals for crowds... She held it together. And afterwards, folks were solicitious. And then everyone folded back in to their own lives. But her journey now is alone.
She sits on her bed and cries most days.

I want to live now. I want him to live now too. The best that we can. And then I want the end to be brief and not too horrific. And then I want to be okay. Alone. That will be the hard part. In the end we are all alone. At this point I am mostly frightened.

How must it be for the patients? They know in their heart that something is really wrong and...you hope that they can do what they need to do to make the days last as long as possible. ML

yes it was a bad week, i knew she was gone the moment she woke up asking for her parents and me having to keep telling her they passed away years ago and then her crying. my sister refused to believe it. the only way to prepare is to have a will, know what he wants, and he can even make sure he has a plot picked out and paid for if he is going to be buried. the best thing you can do is spend us much time with him and try not to obsess on what you know is coming. tell him every day that you love him, hug and kiss him when you can, and make memories to last you a lifetime. hold hands, talk, laugh, love. dont push it away, help him forget he is sick(he wont but you can make him happy) and live life. i know he is tired and sleeps alot but do it when he is awake. just cherish him. dont let him go and have regrets. the worst t hing i felt when my mom was in the hospital was lonliness. no one understood what i felt, they thought i was the tough one. no one stopped to ask if i was ok.

Posted 10/8/2010 2:00 PM (GMT 0)
Shout out to Linda 325: This morning your post has given me new hope. It is like the story I'd like to tell...that hubby would turn 11 days sober into 4+ years with a transplant behind him and some life left to live.

He was diagnosed years ago, went through the treatment in 2003, but with 1a and a very high viral load, it didn't work. He was VERY ill during the treatment and this past month has been as ill as he was on a bad day on treatment. He quit drinking during treatment and for about 6 months after the 6 months on the inteferon. But little by little took it back up. I have begged, cried, threatened, but never left.

So now, with the encephalopathy so bad and him sleeping all the time and certain he was going to go into a coma and die, he got really scared and BOOM quit drinking. 11 days. WOW. I am afraid every day that he'll feel better and go back to it.

You are right. Being able to have a sensible conversation in the evening is WONDERFUL.

He won't go to a program. Doesn't want anyone to KNOW. I can't make him. But he may HAVE to in order to get on a transplant list. Maybe your idea of going with him and waiting is a good idea. Did you ever GO IN to a meeting with him? I did tell him I would be by his side through this, but didn't think I could manage his going back on the booze and watching him kill himself.

I called a counselor for myself. I think maybe I need to think this through NOW, while he's still here and functionin a bit.

I offered to make an appointment for him at a psychiatrist to get anti anxiety meds, but he won't go there either.

CT scan yesterday looking for tumors. No results. We'll see if he has to deal with that too next week.

This is hard.

Best Luck to you both.

MamaLama
Posted 10/8/2010 6:07 PM (GMT 0)

Linda, I just want to clarify one point in your wonderful story:  Quitting drinking is NOT a matter of willpower.  Quite the opposite.  It's a matter of letting go...of having the willingness to try whatever they have to in order to stay sober.  Quitting is actually the easy part--it's the staying quit that is so difficult.  And you know I say this as a sober alcoholic with 24+ years of sobriety and AA behind me.  There are people who stop and don't get additional help.  We in AA call it "putting the plug in the jug."  Because they quit, but without the extra help (some find it in their faith and church), they are going through life with clenched teeth and are NOT happy people.  Staying quit is learning to live without alcohol and being happier than they ever thought possible.  That's what my signature line is about.  Dean has things he enjoys doing (especially golf), which is good motivation for him to stay stopped, in addition to the hell that he has been through.

Re: The antianxiety meds,  they are usually given in detox and then stopped after a week or so.  However, I personally detoxed myself and was on Ativan 1 mg once a day for a year.  I was actually afraid to quit taking it.  I was seeing a psychiatrist (who was prescribing the Ativan) and also going to AA 5-6 days a week.  He told me that 1 mg really wasn't doing me any good...it was all in my head.  So I trusted him enough to quit taking it--suffered no withdrawal and so far haven't ingested alcohol again.

Hugs,

Connie


Posted 10/8/2010 11:38 PM (GMT 0)
I hope everyone is doing ok tonight. Just a reminder to everyone, the liver disease chat is tomarow. PG or Connie, can you let me know what time the chat will be tomarow in terms of United States east coast time? Thanks a lot, I don't want to miss it. Thanks a lot, good night to all!
Posted 10/9/2010 3:14 AM (GMT 0)
I believe Greenwich Mean Time (GMT) is the same as Eastern, 1-2 PM.  But I'll check with PG on that.

Hugs,

Connie

Posted 10/9/2010 5:17 AM (GMT 0)
I understand most people are younger are this site. I know a little bit about the elderly people from working in a nursing home but have learn alot from reading everyones stories on this site. I didn't stop and think I mostly see the end of things never the whole story, with my mom I am living the story and I have a brand new way of looking at things and have learned a ton. So I think having both sides of the story is a great thing. So we know how the paitent is feeling but also the caregiver.
Posted 10/10/2010 3:20 AM (GMT 0)
Hello Caregivers. I would be interested in how you helped your loved one to be/stay alcohol free...if alcohol was the reason for their liver disease. I am just getting started on this journey. There is so much information. I have alot of fear and anxiety. Husband is on day 13 of no alcohol. I am proud of him. He is still very weak, tired, wobbly. I understand from replys to my previous posts that this is most likely a combination of liver disease and the withdrawals...he has been a daily drinker for 40 years. At the start of 2010, his comsumption really increased and that was the final straw for his body. I think that it is easy for him not to drink right now, because he feels so awful. But as he begins to feel better, I am sure that the cravings will be strong and that is when the real challenge will begin to stay alcohol free. So for today, that is what I am thinking about. How I can best help him accomplish this. I appreciate all comments and advice.

I hope that everyone is well today. I am praying for healing for all of us.

Emma
Posted 10/10/2010 3:48 AM (GMT 0)

Emma, I can tell you that your role is to mainly be supportive and cheer him on.  Don't keep alcohol in the house.  If you drink, stop--at least for the first 6 mos. of his sobriety.  But recovery is really up to him.  I've been in a marriage and a long-term relationship after I stopped drinking, where they had stopped drinking but relapsed repeatedly.  All the pleading, begging, threatening did not change a thing--and I couldn't live with it...so I walked away.  One never got sober, the other did and has 11 yrs. of continuous sobriety.  Just remember, you didn't cause the problem and you can't cure it.

I'd like to hear from some others here, as well, who have been through it and come out the other side.

Hugs,

Connie

Posted 10/10/2010 3:58 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you Connie. We have been married 30 years and his drinking has never been an issue between us, until the last 9 months. He never lost a job, missed a day of work, been a mean man or any of those types of things. It only became an issue these last few months when I knew he wasn't feeling well and I was after him to slow down. I have given up the drinking too. And on his first day of no alcohol all the liquor was thrown out. A case of wine was given away. I even got rid of his favorite cocktail glasses that he would always use. I know that I didn't cause this. I know that only he can make the choice to be sober. But I love him so and want him as long as I can have him with me. I want to do whatever I can to help him.

For another discussion...he is a bar manager. The fox is in the hen house. We have been discussing this with his case manager.

Thank you for this forum. It has really helped me.

Emma
Posted 10/10/2010 3:59 AM (GMT 0)
Emma, my hubby is on the same schedule...day 13 alcohol free.  He has Hep C and a lot of other things, but he got so sick I am hoping that this will be the last time he quits!  My thoughts are with you. Over the years I have begged, pleaded, explained, insisted, etc.  But this is his journey. He says it makes it worse when I talk about it, that he needs to do this part alone.  So far we are avoiding the "usual" situations...no stopping on the way home for a "quick snack"...which is never a snack, is always a few drinks and and..then the usual stop on the way home, as "it" has begun, to get a couple or three of bottles of wine, as the day wears on and on and on.

We aren't having folks over, he being so ill...but we aren't making the usual plans, folks over for dinner...and bottle after bottle of wine or shaker after shaker of cocktails, etc.

No after dinner cigar and bottle of wine on the patio.

But once he is feeling better and his ammonia levels go down again (hopefully), will it start again?  That is what has me so nerved up. He will die sooner than later if he goes back to it.

I can't control his choices, though.  I know that from Alanon.  So I have to take care of me...to be strong and mentally well...t be there when he needs positive support and, of course, to do the things I do because he is ill.  The booze part he is going to have to do by himself. I wish he would do a program. BUT...only once before did he get to 13 days...and that was when he was doing the Inteferon...he went a whole year and then...fell off the wagon!

But he has quit stuff before. He quit drugs cold turkey, it took him two tries, but he did it, in the 70's, before my time.  He quit smoking cigarettes, that took two tries also, but he did that in the 80's, on my watch.  For the past few years he kept telling me "I'm just dying here, I might as well go out happy."  Well, he's not so happy now, is he?

Fingers crossed.  Prayers said.  Keep us posted. tomorrow is day 14.  Not that we're counting or anything...

MamaLama

 

Posted 10/10/2010 6:11 PM (GMT 0)

MamaLama, thanks for such a straightforward post!  You have absolutely nailed it!  AA tells us we must change our playmates and playthings--basically let go of everything related to drinking.  That's a big change and very scary.  That is why a support group like AA is so great--you make new friends, REAL friends, not just drinking buddies--people who are on the same journey.  And yes, with alcohol, too, it takes trying time and again.  It took me a good 6 mos. of stopping for a week, a month, even 3 mos. at one time--then relapsing.  I was in and out of AA...but mostly in.  By the last time I drank, I didn't get drunk though I surely tried.  I couldn't even get to sleep.  I felt so awful the next day and hadn't gotten what I wanted out of booze--that was it for me.  As long as we are still getting something out of it, we will go back to it.  Each person has to reach his/her own bottom.

Emma, your husband may have been a functional alcoholic or he may not have crossed that line yet, until sometime in the last 9 mos.  But he definitely needs to get out of the bar business or anywhere that alcohol is served.  He needs to look at it as a chance at a new beginning.

ML, your husband may very well be able to quit, since he's quit other things.  So did I.  I quit IV drug use in the late 60s, after 18 mos. of using.  That's when I switched to alcohol, though I had been a social drinker prior to the drugs.  Eight years ago, I quit smoking.  That was the hardest of the addictions to quit...and I still want one sometimes...I just don't give in to the craving.  Now I'm cutting carbs.  Talk about an addictive personality!!

Emma and ML--How serendipitous that your husbands are each at the same level of sobriety!  Tell me God doesn't have a plan.

I could go on and on about the things I've learned in sobriety and the road to getting there, but this is not my thread--it's yours.

Thanks again, ML.

Hugs,

Connie


Posted 10/10/2010 7:46 PM (GMT 0)
Sleeping. He is sleeping the afternoon away. Well, that's okay. Football and beer all afternoon used to be the horror of Sundays in the fall. By dinner time, Mr. Ugly Mood/Mr. Sarcastic would be here.

I don't want to paint a horrible picture of him. He is a dear. Everyone loves him. And I dont think many folks even KNOW he is an alcoholic. He has functioned well.

It is the kids and I who know. They are grown and gone now, but are careful about when they call and don't stay on the phone 5 minutes if he is obviously slurry tongued or melodramatic. He has never been physically aggressive to me or to them.

He has always seen himself as a happy go lucky guy who has a couple of beers...at home. He may have had a drink or two at a restaurant, but he rarely got drunk out of the house or at someone elses house. he didn't go to bars to meet friends. He let me drive if he had even a few drinks.

It is at home this all happens...When we are alone. It is mostly me that knows he gets nasty and that he has been killing himself for years. The guy doesnt even get hangovers! He didn't call in to work. He didn't miss the school play or fail to meet an obligation.

But day by day, he has abused his liver on top of the Hep C acquired in his early 20's from IV drug use, and now it is now. Time to pay up. It is so sad. One of the grandkids is expecially close to him, the oldest. He is 11. He came to live with us when he was a tiny baby...with his Mom...home after a bad breakup. We got so very close to this child he feels like our OWN. He lives in CT and we live in Florida. We wish we could see him more. Hubby had a bleeding episode when we were up to see the kids in early September. I wish we could stay focused on having more time to spend with the boy...good quality time... I'm afraid they will never see each other again.

I pray we have more time. I pray day 13 becomes day 14 and so on... I just pray and pray...
Posted 10/10/2010 8:03 PM (GMT 0)
Emma, staying sober has to be his priority right now.  It is his #1 job.   I appreciate your interest, but "telling my story" (which I've done several times as an AA speaker) would take pages.  There are also portions I wouldn't feel comfortable disclosing on a public forum.  One thing I've noticed as a common thread among addicts is a feeling of being "different" from an early age.  In my case, it was because my father had divorced my mother when she was pregnant with me and moved out of state.  Then my mother left when I was 3 to pursue a career, so I was raised by my grandmother until age 10.  This was during a time when such things were very, very rare.  There seemed to be an inability to handle pain, as well as some shyness, which contributed to my reliance on drugs and alcohol to cope.  It has taken many, many years to develop the confidence and peace I now have, substance free.

I am really pulling for your guy, as well as ML's.

And ML, yes...sleeping is far better than a drunken Sun.

Hugs,

Connie

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