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What are stages of alcoholic?

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Posted 4/16/2011 1:25 PM (GMT 0)

My husband was forced to retire 2 years ago.  He always drank but now he drinks every day and I have noticed a major personality change.  Each weekend he will drink 2 and ½ cases of beer (75 cans of beer) slowing down on the weekdays.  He doesn’t eat much, is thin, and won’t take a shower because he says it dries his skin out.  My husband use to be such a sweet man but now he is critical of everything I do.  I also noticed he doesn’t sleep much and is up all hours of the night.  When he is sober he still seems to be nasty about everything.  I feel like I’m walking on egg shells all the time.  I don’t notice any swelling of his belly or any change in the color of his skin.  He did tell me that it doesn’t take much beer to get drunk anymore but he just can’t seem to stop once he starts.  Is there still hope and what stage would he be in.  He will not go to a doctor because he doesn’t have a problem.  I’ve been told repeatedly that I’m the one with the problem.   We have been married for 37 years and I just don’t know what to do.  I plan to go to an al anon meeting and a bible study for women.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.   Thanks so much.     

Posted 4/16/2011 1:36 PM (GMT 0)
Hello peachpie683 and welcome to HealingWell. Only a doctor can diagnose him and let you know if he has cirrhosis and what stage he is in, we are not medical professionals.......just regular people who have or are still dealing with liver disease. Read our educational thread near the top of our forum.....in the Hepatitis Resource folder. It will give you lot's of good information about liver disease. But he really does need to go a doctor and join AA if he is drinking that much.

Take care...........
Posted 4/16/2011 11:56 PM (GMT 0)
Alananon will defintely help you ... I spent 10 years there... in a similiar situation... not with my partner who passed....Bible Study helps.... pace yourself... and Pnk Lady told yo the rest...
Posted 4/17/2011 3:32 AM (GMT 0)
Peachpie, I had these same questions before. It is one of the most frusterating parts of having this disease because there's really not always a clear cut answer. At first I was upset with the Doctors because I thought they should know! But I didn't realize how difficult it is. Now,I just watch the symptoms appear with my husband and I can follow him pretty closely and tell about where he's at. If you ask the Dr., they can't tell you much unless they have some clear cut testing to base it on, and then sometimes it's a guess even for them. Just read everything you can get your hands on because it's important for you to educate yourself so you know the right questions to ask, and the right symptoms to look for. As new ones pop up, or come and go, you'll learn quickly...And there's always somebody here to help with your questions...
Posted 4/17/2011 5:24 PM (GMT 0)
thanks everyone. I'm digging in now and boy what an education. Thank God for the internet. I go to my first Al-Anon this tuesday and today I went out without my Husband ( he had a hang-over) and did the March of Dimes walk. I feel great.
Posted 4/17/2011 6:57 PM (GMT 0)
Good for you, Peachpie!  Live your life!

Hugs,

Connie

Posted 4/17/2011 7:12 PM (GMT 0)
I'm not sure anymore what exactly an alcoholic is. Personally I think the term is used in too loose a manner and doesnt really hit the nail on the head when it comes to a particular level of consumption - there are too many variants.

Aside from a level of mental addiction - which can range from none to being so addicted you are prepared to die for it - for me - it would have been useful to actually have the knowledge of just how much harm the levels of intake are causing. Physically.

One aspect to consider therefore - and it is by no means the only aspect - is this.

Is what he is drinking causing him harm to the point it will kill him.

At 75 cans per weekend (assuming average strength and size cans) - the answer is yes - this will kill any person on the planet - especially quickly if he drinks aswell on weekdays.

Does this make a person an alcoholic? I do not know in all truth - because Im not sure what one is!!!

Alcoholic labelled or not - given the knowledge that this amount will kill - not might - but WILL kill - then the individual must decide on whether suicide is right for them or not.

:/
Posted 4/18/2011 3:28 AM (GMT 0)
Keep focusing on detaching your thinking and being from his drinking patterns...Alanon will help you... as partners of drunks we submerge our whole beings into their lives to the point... we lose our own identities... and when liver disease steps in... this fuels the fire of caretaking even more... eventually we can't even hear our own voices above the din of the drunk telling and ordering us as to how it should be even in the midst of a blood soaked room and vomit all over the floor feces, urine etc.... at some point in this mess.... hopefully sooner than later... rationality sets in... and we take it upon ourselves to turn it around and reclaim ourselves... this involves tough decisionmaking ..prayer... and faith....and for some of us ... our partners have overshadowed our decisions for years... so with a commitment to renewal of our own identities... we seek help at Alanon.. or other support groups as we separate ourselves... it's even tougher... if one comes from a conservative spiritual background with all those male/female role guides... which I will not get into.. but that is where I came from and what I experienced... it's a long healing process... and your faith will guide you... take care Sandi
Posted 4/18/2011 3:55 AM (GMT 0)
Here's a self-quiz about alcoholism.  What I've heard repeatedly and know from personal experience is that an alcoholic becomes a different person when he/she drinks, and cannot predict the outcome of his drinking behavior.

http://www.step12.com/alcoholic-20-questions.html

Hugs,

Connie

Posted 4/18/2011 10:11 AM (GMT 0)
I don’t think he’s hit rock bottom yet. I do however know he feels bad all the time. I tried to get him a job to give him something to do but he has to want to go. I looked up the 4 stages of alcoholism and it looks like he’s in stage 3. Reading all about what alcoholic does to the human body scares me to death. I never believed it was an illness until I began to read all about it. His grandfather was one and ended up dying from drinking too much. One discovery I made in all the reading I have been doing is I have been going about this the wrong way. I was ready to leave everything behind me and just walk out of this marriage but I love this man and he is sick. I took a vow to love and cherish, in sickness and health, and well, I wouldn’t be me if I left. If he gets violent I have set up a place I can go until things blow over. At least right now I can make some of his favorite dishes and buy simple but healthy foods to get some food into him when he is sober. As for me, my Christian stance doesn’t make me his whipping post. Just someone who does believe in a higher power with all her heart, mind, strength, and soul. I do believe love conquers all but I’m not stupid. If he drinks himself to death, that is his choice for himself. I will not enable his drinking and I will not take the blame for his lack of control over his life. Just my own life. As far as getting him to a doctor, something health related will have to happen first because he won’t budge. I believe he doesn’t want anyone to know how much he drinks now. Thanks so much for all your help everyone. It does help to know I’m not alone. God Bless, peachpie
Posted 4/18/2011 11:03 AM (GMT 0)
Its a tough mandate.....Love never fails,,,,,love endures all things...hopes....believes.....etc....however...you are exactly right....you do not have to be his whipping post...good for you....your on solid ground...kind of a rock..Sandi
Posted 4/18/2011 2:28 PM (GMT 0)
Hang in there Peachpie! I do a lot for my husband, but if he gets ugly, or starts blaming me for something, I put him in his place real fast! And I do not hesitate to tell him, I'm good to you, I help you, but you will NOT treat me like crap during this...It's not my fault and you won't blame me either...So if you want me to stick around and help you I will, but only if you act right!

So far, he always backs down......because deep down he knows the truth. I feel like it's a battle between me and "mr. Alchohol". Who will win today? Sometimes him and I have to be a graceful loser when that happens....It truly "sucks" and I mean that in every sense of the word when I say that because who wants to spend their life fighting with a bottle! Well, we do because we are strong and because we love them, so it's worth the fight to me. Some it's not, and that's ok...everybody has to make their own choice. We are not here to judge or condem those that think differenly than us, just to share stories and be supportive....So you do what is right for you, ALWAYS!

 

Posted 4/18/2011 4:22 PM (GMT 0)
Wow. That Rick can surely post the truth of a thing.  ML
Posted 4/18/2011 4:26 PM (GMT 0)
Rick, I made that statement just in a general sense.....Not pointing fingers at anyone....I know at times it was hard for me to tell certain things because there were a few times when I felt because my situation was a little different and it made me feel a little akward...Just wanted her to feel welcome, that's all....
Posted 4/18/2011 5:55 PM (GMT 0)

Peachpie, I think you have a good grasp of the situation and a plan for handling it.  But I know it wouldn't be for me.  I had a mother who was a life-long alcoholic and caused me much misery and embarrassment growing up.  Then I became one, too, and all the men in my life were heavy drinkers or drug addicts and most were abusive.  When I finally got sober 24+ years ago, the last thing I wanted in my life was an alcoholic.  But I actually married one, who was sober at the time...well, had put the plug in the jug, but remained verbally abusive and went right back to drinking immediately after I left him 4 yrs. later. 

I simply can't stay in that type of situation because of the experiences mentioned above.  But to each his own.  Just make sure to take care of you and don't lose sight of your dreams and goals in all this.  Also, check out Al-Anon.

Hugs,

Connie

Posted 4/18/2011 6:37 PM (GMT 0)
I might be wrong, but I believe that wasn't your husband Rick referred to as "not having hit rock bottom, yet."
Posted 4/18/2011 7:43 PM (GMT 0)
Gotha! Thanks for the clarification!
Posted 4/19/2011 7:43 PM (GMT 0)
If it wasn't for the "tough" love of the group here... I may not have had the courage to confront Mike in his last slip or bout with drinking.... it was here that I found that "courage".... I "hated" Rick and David for a long long time... until I came through the complete journey... even at the time I knew ... they "care" I just was very uncomfortable hearing the truth... and as it says... the truth will set you free... in the end... it gave me peace of mind and gave a precious gift of a sober life in Mike's last days... it is now a year April 22nd... I'm thankful for those words of wisdom... those words that seemed so harsh but like the pearl grew from a small irritating grain of sand to "pearls of wisdom"... what a priceless gift those big mouths gave...oops had to throw that in... hang tough with all of us... we've been there... I speak from experience... I stood by my man drunk or sober.... but yes I refused to be a victim of verbal abuse.... my thoughts are with all of you today...Sandi
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