Life on the other side

Hi Everyone,

Just thought I'd pop in and say hi.  It has been such a busy last couple of weeks organising Ben's funeral and looking after the kids as well as grieving myself that I haven't had a chance to do much else. 

Life has been very hard since losing Ben.  Caring for someone for so long and then they are just gone from your life, I still can't believe it has happened.  I wake up every morning and for a split  second think he is still here.  The nights are my worst, when all the calls have stopped and the visitors have gone and the kids are in bed, I'm left here thinking how come this had to happen.  I try to stay up as late as I can fiddling around so I don't have to go into that empty bed. 

Funeral was beautiful and I was able to read Ben's Eulogy which is what he wanted.  Played the songs he wanted - Free Bird by Arnold McCuller and Heaven Remix by DJ Sammy and a couple more.  It was lovely and I think he would have been happy.  Very hard but we got through it.  The hardest was watching my 15yo son carry his Dad's coffin out.  No boy should have to do that.  Phoebe has been calling out 'Dadda' since he passed which is heart breaking as she just keeps crying for him and bening only 18mths old you can't explain where he is.  She carries a photo of him around and kisses it.  Beautiful but very sad.

I feel like I need to do something in his memory, maybe if I could just stop one person from doing down this track, then one family would not have to feel the way we do at the moment.

I'm taking the kids away next week, need to get out of the house and I need to try and find myself again.  I hope I can, I feel like I'm losing it a bit at the moment. 

Well sorry for rambling on and hope you are all doing oK.  Take Care and thankyou all again for all your love and support.

Krista xxx

Krista, my heart goes out to you. My eyes welled up with tears when you described your toddler kissing her daddy's picture. He must have been a very loving dad.

I hope the week away will help some. When you return, your posts here will tell others whose husbands are drinking in the face of cirrhosis/ESLD what lies ahead if they don't quit. I so much wish that the ill ones would come here and read these posts, but we seem to get the caregivers, who need a lot of support and straight talk about the future.

Keep God and your children close as you go through this most difficult time in your life.

Hugs,
Connie

Dear Krista .....I hope the trip with help you and the kids ..that must have been hard for Your boy And so hard for your 18 month old to understand ..its heartbreaking And Just so sad. You and Your kids are in my thoughts and prayers in this hard time

Thankyou all so much for your beautifl messages, it is funny how you find so much strength and comfort from people you have never meet. You care for those you love because at the end of the day we love them, faults and all. We have our bad days and a few good ones thrown in for hope but we never know when it will all end. As we travel through the journey of this most graphic and gut wrenching disease we hope our loved ones will soon be spared so they don't have to face another day like this. Then the time comes and we want them back so badly that you actually think you too are going to die from a broken heart. I just long to touch Ben one last time, kiss him on the forehead and tell him he is the best thing that has ever happened to me but my chance has now gone and instead I hug his pillow as I wear his jumper in bed because it smells of him and try to imagine his smile and feel him wrapping his arms around me. I always thought I was prepared for the day he would leave me but nothing even came close. I think the best advice I can give is appreciate every day, as hard as it is and as fustrating as it is some days, always tell those ones how much you love them and touch them, that is something I miss the most. Every night no matter how sick Ben was he would wrap his arms around me and hold me. Those small things now seem so big.

Thankyou all so much for your beautiful words and kind thoughts, I know we all have our journeys however a we also know a peice of our journey is shared together here and for that I am truely grateful. Thankyou all again. Krista xxx

"God Never said life would be easy, he just promised it would be worth it"

Krista, Mary and SadWife,

  I and hubby send our sincerest condolences on your loses.  It helps me to read your messages of loss and grieving.  Somedays here are hard (the bad days) and I long for more patience and kindness to give to my hubby while I still have him.  I am angry angry angry that this disease has finally worn him into a man I do not recognize somedays and has taken away my perpetual optimism.  Your posts help me approach him with more kindness and understanding that he is also devastated about what this disease is doing to his mind and body.

  Please keep in touch on this forum.  It is helpful hear from those who are going down the path that will probably be mine too in the future.

Angie1953

 

Thoughts and prayers to all of you that have lost loved ones.

Emma

ghatnagar,  do you have liver disease?   If so please start a new thread and  tell us a little about yourself.