Coming to terms

Dealing with this disease one of the most difficult problems was coming to terms with death . I thought about dying a few times prior to my diagnosis ( Typically through others experience such as family ) , I have to say nothing prepared me for the real thing like being given the " Death Sentence " from my own doctor .
As soon as my head cleared well enough to type I started doing my own research trying desperately to get a second opinion or at least a glimmer of hope from online resources . Page after page of trying to educate myself while I was fighting depression and in the haze of encephalopathy , It made matters worse . I kinda began to feel with my sickness what I had felt like with work and politics , I believe Bob Segar nailed it " Feel like a number " . Look up statistics for survival by any group of " Big thinkers or Professors " and the numbers are dismal at best . Numbers , You know you are officially screwed when someone replaces your name and face with a number . A number has no soul and isn't human ..... Huh maybe I'm on to something .
Sad to say but that is the way it is . You get that same feeling at some doctors offices during a visit I'm sure . I had to fight the urge to be a statistic . I surrounded myself with good people , People who saw me as more than the number . I refocused my attention on living , No not just living but really being alive . Day by day week by week I have lived well beyond my given statistics .
You give in you die in short order . " Going quietly into the night ain't me " and I'm not a number in my world . Yes , I've had to eat crow a few times and bite my tongue at the doctors office but when he left the room I cussed him under my breath . Yep I may die at any given time for any number of reasons but I will have given this disease one hell of a arse whooping . Besides the really cool thing is that I have a top secret location for my burial site ( Wouldn't want anyone peeing on my grave when I'm gone . I know , Whys it matter ? I guess it's just the thought that bothers me , At least while I'm alive anyhow ) .

P.S : Yes , I was just bored and decided to write this .



A. Ziffle

A. Ziffle,
Wish my hubby could articulate what he is grappling with as far as receiving the "Death Sentence". It is helpful to read what you think and how you feel. Hubby keeps acting like he can "beat ESLD" without a transplant and I have to bite my tongue, as I feel like he is in denial. I guess, there is really nothing he can do but "fight it", since he doesn't want to try a transplant.
I have to reframe my way of thinking to eliminate the "number" thinking. I read that 80% in his situation die within 2 years and I can't get past that. He just "Doesn't Believe It."
Thanks for posting. Was helpful for me to read as the wife.
Angie1953

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