I feel miserable

I feel miserable, I feel so sad and overwhelmed. I went to the doctor today for my rotten visit and it was supposed to discuss when to start the treatment but she told me they need to check with my Crohn’s doctor about my Humira and wither to stop it or not in order to not let it conflict with my HCV treatment (which in my last visit, the one who replaced her, my doctor, said we will talk with my Crohn’s doctor about it since they all in the same hospital, but it seem they did not or else she would said what my Crohn’s doctor said about it, she did not mention anything and instead said “let’s see what he/she have to say about first then we’ll about HCV treatment” ) I’ve been more than a year on HCV treatment (I had complication which lead to extend the treatment time) and now the doctor think the Humira might have caused this (even thou it said it’s “no target found” in the blood results for HCV) yet she says it’s back so it might be because of it.

I feel so tired and overwhelmed, I don’t have anyone who I can truly talk to and pour all my worries and sadness. I feel my mind is just jammed, I feel like I’m frozen. I don’t know what should I hate and be mad about, about my doctors, my family and friends who support me very badly, or the fact that I want to get married for over then a year by now but I just don't know what to do since I don’t have anyone to talk and let my feelings go, I’m so depressed and I’ve ben blocking it for the past year and a half.

I’m looking forward to get married but now with this, and my parents aren’t helpful at all. I want to be with someone I can be happy with, hold our hands together and share each others pain and happiness. Having someone to be there for you. It might sounds crazy but I'm human, I want to be married, I want to settle, I want peace and comfort. And I sure as hell will be needing it during my HCV treatment, even if I married how will I be with her with this treatment causing be depression ?! Dear God...

I don’t know what to do; I really don’t know what to do. I feel so tired and overwhelmed I wish my heart would just stop beating this moment so I can rest in peace. I’m so tired, I’m so tired.

Post Edited (Mr.X) : 5/23/2012 5:27:46 AM (GMT-6)

Mr. X,

I am not good at giving encouragement but felt the need to respond. As a person who is caring for someone with this disease I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through. Sometimes giving up seems better than this continued fight that you must fight. Please know that the people that love you are there for you. You are not in this battle alone. You may feel this way today but tomorrow might be a better day.

From reading here I have found the people are very caring and it's like a shoulder to cry one when you don't know what direction to turn. I will keep you in my prayers.

Mr.X

I want you to know you are not alone.It was your message that got me to log in. This is my first time on this chat line.I have been dealing with this HCV for almost 20 yrs.It is a sad sad thing.at times I feel all alone,like no one else in the world is going threw this same thing.(Many much worse than me)My Dr Told me today my liver is dying (nice right)...B For yrs my husband hasnt wanted to talk about this,but I understand he doesnt want to think about loosing me.

Mr.
I'm right here. Listing and wishing I had someone to tell all my feelings to besides my husband I'm sure he has his own thoughts. I think at times I am like a prisnor on death row. Since the very insensative LPN told me ESLD you know "end" you could die within 48 hours you better get to a transplant hospital soon.
then Dr.s tell me I might have 5 years. 7 years dying every 48 hours. WHY what did I do to diserve this and I am still undiagnosed. There are so many of us out here putting on a happy face.
Just speak to us we can listen . Im a cryer so a face to face doesn't work for me .
but who besides our friends here would care .
Keep on going we all feel like this at times.

lavendar june