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Mother passed away - thanks for your support

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Posted 8/30/2012 6:38 PM (GMT 0)
Hi

I wanted to thank you all for the support you have given me in my previous posts and for all the help from reading advice in other posts.

My mum sadly passed away Friday 17th August at 9:42pm. She was an alcoholic for 14 years and it claimed her life. She had pneumonia, which caused her fatal cardiac arrest. She's had so many close calls over the past few years that it's hard to accept she's gone. I watched the paramedics fight to get her breathing for over 20 minutes and that image will always haunt me. I'm heartbroken and devastated she will miss my sisters wedding in 5 weeks. Has anyone got any advice on how to cope? The funerals on Tuesday and at the moment I can't bare to face the world

Many thanks

Emma
Posted 8/30/2012 7:18 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Emma,

I am so sorry for the loss of your mum. My mom passed away on April 6. She was hospitalized for a long while for pancreatitis, the treatment was too much for her other organs, ultimately it was liver and kidney failure that took her.

I understand what you are going through. It has been almost 5 months for me, and I think about and miss my mom every day. I allow myself time to cry, usually while out walking or in the car. I always have sunglasses and kleenex with me.

Advice for coping? Each day at a time. Don't fight the tears. Allow yourself some big ugly crying time. Try to enjoy something that your mom enjoyed. My mom enjoyed her plants, especially african violets. I have two and when I look at them I think of mom...with a smile on my face instead of tears in my eyes. I am in the process of rooting two, and as they grow I think about how my mom would have liked that.

Again, so sorry for your loss.

Emma
Posted 8/30/2012 7:23 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Emma,

I am so sorry for your loss. It has been a very difficult year for you and your family. I am not sure how to tell you to cope, that is something everyone learns for themselves, I think, but given your situation, I am glad this is over for you and there is time before the wedding to process this a little bit.

I do not know your whole story, but can imagine the drama that has engulfed you in the past year. Just remember to breathe, and if you can do that, you will figure out what to do next.

My husband passed away on a Friday night around 9:30 as well, in July. It doesn't seem real, at times, and at others, too real.

Peace, Marie

Posted 8/30/2012 7:27 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Fairy Dust Emma,

I'm sorry to hear about losing your Mom. I think a daughter losing her Mom is HUGE...the worst. And it takes lots of time to work that through. I took losing my Dad way better, but maybe I'd gotten used to the idea that they wouldn't be around forever. I think my girls will miss me like this when my time comes,

I think healthynow Emma has good advice. Take the time you need to grieve...and know that loved ones stay with us in our hearts. I lost my Mom in 1976...and have tears in my eyes typing this post...and that was a long time ago!

Many hugs,
Carol
Posted 8/30/2012 7:34 PM (GMT 0)
Emma, I am very sorry for your loss. All I can say is it will take time and is an individual thing.

Healing hugs to you,
Connie
Posted 8/31/2012 5:54 AM (GMT 0)
One minute he was there... breathing... and the pulse registering... the next... everything crashing... and then... one minute... maybe a few seconds more... I looked deeply into his eyes... and told him... honey... you're dying... I love you... and with his last breath... he said... love u 2..... flat line.. no breath...
social worker says 20 minutes later.... "Where do you want us to send the body?"
I answered with a question "What body?" My Mike was now a "body".
The world swirls..people talk and make no sense... focusing on simple things is hard... people talk and tears come freely... and then I realize... it's ok to cry... it's ok to be how I am... to focus simply on those things I can... and somehow... somehow... live with the awful awful hurt in my heart... the breath I can not take... the thoughts I can not think...somehow.. I have to make the world slow down... in my head... and speed up outside... for my head thinks and thinks and thinks and my heart hurts and hurts and hurts... and then outside of me... people just trigger emotions...
walking through those moments one step at a time... with whatever faith or source of hope you have is the answer...in time... it lessens... focusing on small steps... and forgiving oneself often for simple things... and just shutting the world away when one has to... just be yourself... and be kind to yourself.. remove yourself from painful situations if you have to... one step at a time... I'm still taking them myself two and a half years later... He was my life... my heart... my love... and always will be ... My Mike..
Sandia
Posted 9/2/2012 9:13 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you all very much for your replies. I'm sorry for your loses too.

I'm trying to take it one day at a time and some days are better than others. I've struggled the last couple of days as the funeral is Tuesday and I'm visiting her at the chapel of rest tomorrow.

I'm finding it hard to deal with that she felt she had to reason to live for. She took an overdose in February this year and suffered a stroke. She pulled through and I know she didn't seek help from the hospital this time as she wanted to pass. I wish there was something I could have done to make her realise how much she was loved and needed. It hurts to realise how sad she really was. I won't be able to get over that. I love her so much, and despite her being an alcoholic, I rethought the world of her. She had a tough life and she chose the wrong path. I never judge someone as I haven't walked a mile in their shoes.


Xxxx
Posted 9/2/2012 9:26 PM (GMT 0)
Emma, my dad chose to end his life by gunshot wound to the head when I was in my late 20s. He was in OK and I was in NY. I was absolutely devastated. I knew he was depressed, but nobody would have imagined that he would do this. I later learned that he was also a functional alcoholic. It took me years to process all this.

I was not close to my mother due to her alcoholism. In fact, had severed all communication with her many years before she died. I was surprised to find (via SS Death Index) that she had died when she was 81. I never would've expected her to live that long. I missed the relationship we never had, if that makes sense.

Everyone grieves in their own way, in their own time.

Our thoughts are with you through the visitation and funeral/burial. God's hand will guide you.

Hugs,
Connie
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