Liver failure is a terrible sight to see when a person is dying from it.There are not enough tears for the sorrow I feel. LJ is home to die. I sit and look at him. No anger but I am sure that feeling will come and go as I watch his life slowly leave him. It is hard to watch him breath his short shallow breaths. I counted them while I was waiting for his release from the hospital. No more than 11 but mostly 8 to 10 in many 60 second count downs.
I have shared much loving thoughts with him. Keep him comfortable I will. Hospice repeats this many times yesturday. Remember quality and comfort is the key she said. I understand this aspect but for me over medicating isn't a quality of living what days are left. Quality and comfort I kept hearing her say.
I have to stay focused. What I do now is listen and watch so I will know when to give him more of his comfort meds. We got home around 4:30 yesturday. 5:30 they were delivering his oxygen and nebulizer machine. Meds to be here today or tomorrow for the nebulizer. He tries to cough but not enough strength to move anything. Hospital bed will be delivered upon request. I will give this a day or two but I feel it will be needed soon.
Methadone, 10 mg. ever 12 hours. Evry 4 hours as needed for breakthrough pain. When this starts to take effect he can't even finish his food in front of him. So I will start to feed him before his Methadone. I know his appetite will fade.
Ativan, 1 mg. every 4 hours as needed. He is not suffering any anxiety at this time. But this and his Methadone lay him down within 40 minutes after taking them.
They are over medicating him. Or are they? I will have to inquire about this today. He is feeling no discomfort as of yet. 24/7 care from me, I will come to know much.
Inderall - 40 m. 2 x daily. He use toa have high blood pressure. I don't see that but also a need for his varices. I can only hope he doesn't hace a rupture. They tell me not to call 911. Call them. Another question.
He has many 1 x daily meds.
Questran - 9 g. powder pack to help with his itching from the bile salts.
Atarax - 25 m. This works great for his itching. It keeps him from scratching until he bleeds. It works better I see and feel than the Questran. Dr. August has given him the Questran also though to help with his liquid bm's. Are they just around the corner? Does he really need both? Already added to the question list.
Lactulose - 10 g. for his ammonia level control. I know this is worsening but I know what to do when need be. I have already questioned his Hospice nurse about his rambling on upon awakening him. And what I see and hear in his somewhat alertness. She says to give it a few days before they increase the dosage.
Aldactone - 50 m. diuretic
Lasix - 40 m. diuretic.
Should I seperate his Aldactone and Lasix. I will ask if one should be a pm med. He has not urinated at home yet. He will go to the bathroom, slowly with guidance, and then after a minute or so come back out and 3 times tells me, I don't know why I can't use the bathroom. I feel like I need to. No bm , I don't know when he had one last. Another question for his Hospice nurse today. They are not scheduled until tomorrow. I have their number in many areas of the house but I have it in memory already. His ascites hasn't worsened but I know it will. Just another horrible effect to keep a close watch over. He was at 170 lbs. and I don't know if this will increase or not. ANother question for his nurse.
Thiamine - 100 m, Folate - 1 m. and awaiting word on his potassium.
Why must we continue vitamins for a dying body. Another question.
Celexa - 10 m anti-depressant
Restoril - 15 m at bedtime. He slept through the night last night. The nurse told me to give this at 9pm instead of with his 8pm meds. But no later than 10pm so he won't be groggy in the morning. She isn't here to see he is past groggy all day. Back to the over medicating I am inquiring about today.
I can have an aide to come in 2 x a week to bathe him. I am hoping a male family figure will help but if not I have an option. I have disposable pads on his bed. I know they will save much trouble in the future. Will this become an issue. Another question for the nurse.
I have watched as his heavy meds start to work and I see his shaking worsen. His whole body not just his hands and legs. It's almost more like a rapid twitch. It's on my list of questions.
I can't question if I can handle this. I have to. He needs all his family and friends to talk with him. Share their love, make him laugh. His nurse told me he may not say it or show it but internally he knows he is reaching his end. How does she know, she hasn't been near death within herself. I know she has seen much of what is going to be with him. But how can anyone know what a dying person so overly medicated can or can't think.
I am already quite sure there are so many thoughts, feelings, numbness I will encounter on a hourly basis. I change the subject in my head and find another something to do or say when I feel discouraged and saddened. Many challenges in store. I will keep you updated for I know there will be times I will be silent here. It will become a priveledge to have time to sit and jot my thoughts down.
I will get him up and out of this house as much as possible while I still can. I know already this is his coffin so I need to get him into fresh air.
Love and Many Prayers,
Alisa
Post Edited (amongmany) : 3/3/2013 4:50:04 AM (GMT-7)