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Posted 4/5/2013 8:27 AM (GMT 0)
So, some of you will remember me - I post from time to time.  My tests have been pretty good lately and the HE seems to be under control with Lactulose, Ribavirin, etc.

That's progress considering I was having seizures in October and in hospital quite a bit with HE.

Well a week ago my husband told me he "wanted a new life".  We are 56 years old, no children (except my older step children from a previous marriage who I'm close to) and have been together 13 years.  We were solid, I thought.  5 or 6 years ago I stood by him when he had two heart attacks and triple bypass surgery.  I spend lots of time making sure his diet is heart healthy.

It just seems unusually cruel to me ... all he says is he still loves me but "things change" and he simply will not discuss it further.  Everyone around me is shocked speechless.  We have been so respectful, happy and caring about one another.

Anyway I'm dealing with it thanks to my sisters.  I've never had Edema, but now my legs are swelling like bowling pins.  Tomorrow I see my family doctor to get referrals begun - we live in a beautiful mountain region but I am moving to the city where my family can help out.  He's going back east to the town he left 30 years ago.

The only thing I can figure out is that my health is wearing on his heart condition and he won't tell me.  But if someone doesn't want you any more the reasons why don't matter.  Maybe there's someone else.

I'm coming here for support because you folks are so caring.  It looks like I'll have to toughen up ... I'm just not too sure I have it in me.  I'm feeling more fragile than I can remember ... ever.

 

Posted 4/5/2013 8:31 AM (GMT 0)
Oops - I meant Lactulose and Rifaximin - sorry about that.

Deb from Canada

Post Edited By Moderator (hep93) : 4/5/2013 12:12:09 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 4/5/2013 12:20 PM (GMT 0)
 Deb , If that's the way he feels then you'll have to move on . Blaming yourself or searching for answers as to why isn't gonna make this better . You have to focus on the next page of life . Just be glad it's at a time when your not in such a compromising position . Life goes on and I'm sure he will have to deal with the guilt of walking away regardless of his reasons .

You have your daughter and family to help guide you through the tough times that may come your way . Hope everything works out for the best .

 A. Ziffle    

Posted 4/5/2013 1:20 PM (GMT 0)
I had the same thing happen to me. I helped my domestic partner through a pre cancerous ovary, two operations, took care of her daughter and father. After I went through interferon/ribavirin treatment, 3 months later had a cerebral hemorrhage, then another one. Shortly after that, she asked me to move out, as she didn't want to be a nurse (which I didn't need) to me and her father. I call that selfish and self centered. I believe your husband is the same way. My suggestion is to have no mercy and get whatever money or land you can from him. If he loves you, like he says, then he wouldn't do this.
Posted 4/5/2013 2:29 PM (GMT 0)
I am so sorry this is happening Deb, and glad you have your sisters to support you. I can't imagine what he is thinking, although I will tell you that there were those who thought I should have left my husband because his disease was complicated by alcohol. (He ultimately died of bone cancer but was a functioning alcoholic and had liver disease as well.)

I don't always understand the world we live in where abandoning someone we love is acceptible because it is "too much of a burden". 

Please take care of yourself, and let your family help you.


Marie

Posted 4/5/2013 6:27 PM (GMT 0)
Deb, it's good that you have family you can have near you. Sounds like your hubby is having a "mid-life crisis," or has found someone else.

Be sure to take care of yourself and get what is legally yours. And if he is collecting SS and dies, as a widow you will get the full amount of what he was getting. If he has a pension, you also can get a portion of that, based on how long you were together and the rules of the company handling the pension. It's called a CODA and you must do the paperwork prior to going to divorce court (a paralegal can do it) , so you can present it to the judge. He will then issue a court order for you to receive your portion of the pension. I got $12,000 with this and we were married less than 5 years.

It's best that you don't have children, as it would be more complicated. You must focus on yourself and doing whatever the best thing is to take care of your physical and mental health.

Just remember that this divorce is not your fault and you deserve to be treated better.

Hugs,
Connie
Posted 4/6/2013 2:01 AM (GMT 0)
  " I will tell you that there were those who thought I should have left my husband " . Mariel

 When a person is being abused or just treated like dirt it often takes and outside opinion to make one see what's going on . Only the person writing the words posted here knows for sure and it's often left for us to opine whether the situation borders abuse . That may not have been the case with your husband but it has happened here a few times with others . Alcoholics and people suffering from H.E can be dangerous . It's always best to ere on the side of caution . Violent mood swings are not uncommon . Perhaps we can't save the patient but if there's a minute possibility there is abuse we can't afford to stand by and say nothing .

 Caretakers can get burned out . When that happens to a extent they are doing nothing more than wallowing in misery " I wish he would just die " still rings in my ears from post from caretakers in the past . You are no longer a caretaker at that point but a assistant to the undertaker . There are two sides to the coin of leaving someone and neither really has to do with not loving someone . You can love from a safe distance . Sometimes it takes the threat of leaving to make someone take note of what they have or had .

Then you have the occasional self centered a-hole that just wants to do as they please and leave someone for dead for no obvious reason . Well ,  there's always a reason but never one good enough to trash years of devoted love and mutual respect . To them I say go ......... Yourself , I can't say that on here but sure you can fill in the blanks .

Yes , it's a disposable world Marie . Once some people have gotten the last of what they think is the good of you they toss you out . The best revenge is to live and watch them squirm when they realize there's a lot of you left and someone else is reaping the benefits .  wink  

 A. Ziffle 

Posted 4/6/2013 2:38 AM (GMT 0)
Wow..what everyone said... yep.. chin up girl... get the pen out.. take notes... get to where you can get support and focus on your treatment and transplant... we will be here for you..

Sandia
Posted 4/6/2013 4:15 AM (GMT 0)
Oh Deb, I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. Yes, it was cruel of him to walk out, with nothing more than a "things change" excuse. It's easy to say the reasons don't matter, but they do - like anything else in life, it's the 'unknown' that makes things harder to deal with. That being said, he's gone and you will probably be the better for it - in time. Thirteen years is a long time to just forget and move on from, but things will get easier day by day. I think that moving is a great idea, especially since you will be near your family. Draw your strength from those who love and care about you, until you are able to draw from your own. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of your marriage - then get on to the business of rebuilding YOU - the new, single you. Hey, there's a lot to be said for being single! You can focus all of your energy on yourself now - and that's a good thing. Take good care of yourself - and try to find joy in every little thing you possibly can! Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing! :-)
Posted 4/6/2013 12:50 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks, everyone for your comments.  I hesitated posting because it isn't really on topic but I so needed some support.  You have no idea how greatly your words and experiences have helped.  Connie, my siblings made me promise to go to a lawyer and yes it has helped to get a decent property settlement as I am on disability and he makes a good salary.  We're just finalizing the pension portion.  With my first marriage I walked away with nothing (it was abusive) but I was still at the height of my career and making good money so it wasn't a concern.

Saw my family doctor yesterday and she was very helpful with referrals and making sure I had enough meds for three months until I get settled again.  She told me where I can get help with paying for my meds.  Apparently the liver clinic still has a psychologist and she encouraged me to see him when I get there to deal with my fears of recurring HE while living alone.  That's a big one for me.  Right now the episodes are relatively minor - what happens when they aren't?  She did encourage me by reminding me that so far I've been pretty aware that something was wrong and was never aggressive.  It will just be a matter of checks and balances I guess, like having lactulose bedside (night time is worst for me), "calling in" with loved ones, etc.  She did say being dependant is just a habit that can be unlearned.  It hurt like hell to hear but it's true.  She also said lots of amazingly kind things about how well she thinks I handle everything overall.  Man, I needed to hear that.

So, one foot in front of another.  We truly do only get one day to live at a time don't we?

Thank you again ... and again.  I just don't know what I'd do without this forum.

 

Posted 4/6/2013 1:59 PM (GMT 0)
Deb,

What goes around, comes around. Thank God you have your siblings to help you. I'm sure you won't regret the move, I suspect you will be needing them a lot in the future.

And then, of course, there's us :)

Hugs,
Posted 4/6/2013 6:32 PM (GMT 0)
Deb, it sounds like you have some amazing doctors. You will be okay, between them and your sisters. And it's not off-topic because you are having to start over while dealing with liver disease.

I did the same thing with my first marriage--left with nothing. And I had no job at the time, so it was rough, esp. with a 2-y/o (and he only paid child support for 5 weeks.) Thirty years later, when divorcing the 2nd one, I made sure I got what was legally mine. Happy to hear that you are doing the same.

Hugs,
Connie
Posted 4/7/2013 4:52 AM (GMT 0)
Deb, So sorry that you are going through this while fighting this disease. Thinking of you tonight and glad you have family to assist you through rough time. Wish this didn't happen to you.
Angie1953
Posted 4/7/2013 6:06 AM (GMT 0)
Well that was mostly great news!! We get to see you more... you're getting things worked out... you're on top of things... one step at a time .. Sandia
Posted 4/8/2013 12:46 AM (GMT 0)
" I wish he would just die " still rings in my ears from post from caretakers in the past .

A,

I was one of the ones who admitted to having these thoughts taking care of my terminal husband, to my shame. But I don't think that you or perhaps many others understood that the feeling behind that had more to do with the quality (or more specifically the lack thereof) of life he was living and the suffering he was going through, than the burden of taking care of him. I would have done it indefinitely, but knowing him the way I did, I knew he did not want that. Mercifully, it ended. For him and for me.

That being said, for Deb, what I was saying to her was that, I don't agree with the world that it is okay to bail when you get tired of taking care of your partner. I could be wrong. Maybe her husband can "love her safely from a distance". I did not get where she was abusing him in an altered "HE" state, but I could be missing something here.

Marie
Posted 4/8/2013 2:32 AM (GMT 0)
 Marie , The quote about wishing death was general and not specifically at you . It's better to not be there at all than wish someone dead . Honestly I must have missed you writing that or actually hinting towards that . Maybe I've grown accustomed to it to a degree . I can tell you this , As a patient reading those words for the first times in the past somewhat crushed me . Maybe because I saw theses things being posted by women who are usually the caretakers just as my wife was and has been for me . I wondered if my wife secretly said the same thing if nothing else but to herself . This is one of the reasons why I don't post on the caretakers thread .

The leaving someone explanation was something I felt like needed to be brought up as to the conditions it's been recommended in the past and had nothing to do with you or Deb particularly . As I said only those writers know the real truth to the abusive situation . I didn't see it or hear it from either you or Deb . I was just making a statement on how that advice usually comes about so others will know when reading this . It's easy to forget that newbys see this stuff too . That advice has been given here when it seems blatantly obvious that something's wrong with the relationship .

The last statement was about your quote " Disposable " and how I agree with it .

 Now , I have this image of David sitting here reading this and shaking his head saying " See dumb*** keep it short and sweet and you wont have to do all this explaining " . I do tend to ramble on and it wouldn't be the first time I've gotten a few knickers in a bunch by doing so . I guess it's how one reads into it . 

 Ziff   

Posted 4/8/2013 3:11 AM (GMT 0)
It's not too long, but you are a dumb***. Notice the spelling is different and it's short and sweet.
Posted 4/8/2013 3:53 AM (GMT 0)
Lol Not sure what all this is about but happy for a distraction. Am once again aware of a big wide world out there so the worst is over ... my family is "closing ranks" as they always have and you're right Connie - my doctor is great. I'll be sorry to lose her.
Like you said, a. Ziffle - better now while I'm not worse off.
Today was not a bad day.
Posted 4/8/2013 4:06 AM (GMT 0)
A. Ziff the Piff... It woke me up the first time you made a comment about the caretaker's wishes. In my thread I know that I mad similar comments... but you taught me about the larger audience ... although at the time I was going through all that I was very focused on Mike and I. Your words of wisdom have helped me to choose my words more carefully so as to help a situation. Not that those didn't help. Oh, anyways.. Ziffiddty do piffy you add color to thread... David does also. I think we all have rethought some of our posts. We have a lot of history between all of us by now.

Deb your words were encouraging. So glad your family is pulling together. That's great!!
Thanks to everyone who shares so much from their hearts. I appreciate it so much.
Sandia...
Posted 4/8/2013 5:07 AM (GMT 0)
Me too (everything above)
  smurf    Goodnight

Angie1953

 

Posted 4/9/2013 5:55 PM (GMT 0)

Deb,

I, clearly, agree with everyone else.  It sounds like, even with occasional HE, you have your head screwed on pretty well.  On the plus side, and I know it still sucks, you've been through it before and you'll get through it again.  Your doc sounds awesome, maybe you can get her email address just in case you need some guidance after you've moved on.  You may find a new doc and then decide you need a different one.  She sounds like a good and caring resource to help you with that.  The psychologist was a great suggestion.  Everyone here can help tons but sometimes it's nice to be face to face with someone when you need to vent.

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