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Posted 7/15/2013 7:40 PM (GMT 0)
Hey there. Dougie has had a few slips. Not a relapse, but certainly more than a "mistake"...and who knows what will happen next. My anger and disappointment are huge.

The two that I found out about were both following stressful situations. So I can see how this happened. But really, he is just looking for an excuse to have a drink.

I have been going to Al Anon for the last 14 months. This has helped me so much. My reaction to this situation is so different than it would have been a year ago. With the new ways I have been learning, I have been able to talk to Dougie about what is going on. I have let him know where my "line in the sand" is.

I don't expect him to be perfect, but I do expect him to work on his sobriety. He has been so fortunate with his liver disease. There are so many others that have not had that. He needs to realize what a gift he has been given and if these slips cause a full relapse, he may not have a second chance to regain his health like he did with his first health crisis.

The good that has come out of this situation (and again I believe this is due to Al Anon...that I could communicate clearly about where I stand on things) Dougie went to two AA meetings last week. He also has been talking with one of his co workers at the auto shop who is a long time AA member about what meetings he goes to and this guy said he will help Dougie with finding a good meeting fit for him. I told Dougie that he needs to quit his bar job...he fills in shifts when someone is sick. Turn in his keys to the place. He is pissed that I told him this was a firm condition with me. It is an unhealthy and risky environment for him and he has shown that for a fact. If he thinks otherwise, he is only fooling himself. So like I have read on this forum, he is pissed because I am asking him to break up with his long time friend...alcohol.

Anyway, there's no way to sugar coat this. We are in a rough patch right now. But, where a year ago I would have been worrying and hand wringing about this, today, I feel peaceful. Not to say that I'm not scared or mad. I am. But I have learned that I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it. This is his fight. I love him and I will help him however I can, but I cannot do it for him. I will also not make it okay for him to continue to hurt himself.

Dougie has his 6 month GI appt and labs at the end of this month. We will see how things go.

Anyone who struggles with a loved one's alcoholism --- I cannot recommend Al Anon enough. It isn't a club that I want to belong to, but it has been a life saver for me. It has helped me so much.

Emma

Post Edited (healthynow) : 7/15/2013 1:44:07 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 7/15/2013 8:22 PM (GMT 0)
Wow, Emma...you are an inspiration. That group has been so much help to you and your family...though Dougie may not believe it at the moment.

And you are right, there are rough times ahead.

How this turns out is how it turns out. Mike knows I have a line in the sand as well. I would only pray I would have the strength to do what I have promised myself.

Extra strength coming your way, Emma...lots of extra strength.

Hugs,

Carol
Posted 7/15/2013 8:39 PM (GMT 0)
Emma. If you only had one line In the sand to draw, I think you chose the wisest one. Quit the bartending.....period! Good for you!

It's like dangling a meat bone in front of a dog and telling him no.

Ditto what MamaLama said, stay strong. We are here for you though if you start to crumble :)

Hugs
Posted 7/15/2013 8:40 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Carol.
I am hopeful that things will turn out as I would like. I think they will...
But, I have learned and am continuing to learn.
Which ever way this goes. I will be okay.

E
Posted 7/15/2013 8:42 PM (GMT 0)
And thanks Mae. We were posting at the same time!

He has been lucky the 2 yrs and 9 mo since his cirrhosis dx. He has been able to bartend from time to time with no relapse. But now he is in a danger zone.

Time to make changes.

I am so thankful for this forum. Everyone here is so supportive. And tells truths. So important.

Emma
Posted 7/15/2013 9:23 PM (GMT 0)
Emma, bravo for your making a stand about the bartending job. He has no reason to be there. I never go to bars...no reason to. You have come a long way, thanks to Al-Anon. Even more important is Dougie going to AA meetings...and more than twice a week, if he can manage it. They have them at all hours of the day in most cities. He will learn, through the Steps, how to handle stress and various situations that occur in life: Loss, anger, frustration, etc. If he doesn't apply the steps to his life, he will continue to relapse. You can be prepared for relapse in the first 6 mos. or year. It only means he's having a difficult time living sober and takes the easy way out. But if he diligently works the steps, has a sponsor, and is willing to let go of the alcohol, one day at a time, long-term sobriety will be his "new normal." He does need to appreciate the chance he was given regarding his health, and how easy it would be for him to find himself in the same situation again--or worse--if he continues drinking.

You have stuck by him through a lot. Now it's time for him to "surrender" and become the person he was meant to be.

All the best to you both.

Hugs,
Connie
Posted 7/15/2013 9:29 PM (GMT 0)
Way to go, Emma!
Posted 7/16/2013 1:08 AM (GMT 0)
 Emma sorry about Dougie slipping . Although I haven't slipped so far in the last 5 years there has been times that a drink sure sounded good . Each time it's been due to a desire to be who I was , Carefree and tons of drinking buddies . My life is different now with a focus on my health , I don't involve myself with friendships much anymore . And geez do I miss having a good time with the fellas . It's not so much the urge to get drunk as it is the social camaraderie that the drinking goes with . I feel so outta place and uncomfortable without sharing a drink when everyone else is indulging so I just stay away from social drinking events period .

 I have to remind myself of where those " Friends " where when I was almost a dead man . When word got around I was in the hospital and dying from cirrhosis two of over ten friends showed up to see me and they only came once . The sight was just too hard on them ( that's what I was later told ) . Too hard on them ? Hell it was me wallowing in a pile of excrement and delirious . My wife and family stood by me through it all , Not one whimper of the pain they were in watching and caring for me . " Too hard on them " , Huh Pleasssse !!! That feeling of betrayal is what stops me from being a goodtime Charlie with them . It makes me reflect on what is really important in my life . Important to me now is defined as not putting my family through that again and I hope I never lose sight of that . I learn things the hard way , I always have . After learning that hard lesson the first time I rarely make that mistake twice .

 Dougie should be glad he has you for a wife and not my wife . My last visit to Chapel Hill almost turned into a fiasco because she wouldn't let go of me still smoking . Doctor had his back turned and filing out paperwork when he asked if I had quit yet , I replied yes . My wife through a conniption fit mouthing to me to tell the truth . This went on every time the doctor turned his back for 10 minutes , Silently arguing . She didn't tell the doc but I kinda figure he probably caught on by the evil eye she was giving me . She didn't speak a word to me for the 3 hour trip back home . She made it clear when I came home from my month long stay in the hospital after diagnosis that there would be no drinking or I'll die on my own . I believe it , Hell I'm kinda spoiled with her around so why ruin a good thing by drinking . Besides it's hard to sleep off a drunk with one eye open .

 Ziff          

Posted 7/16/2013 3:30 AM (GMT 0)
I found out who my friends were....
Posted 7/16/2013 1:04 PM (GMT 0)
Emma,I am so sorry that Dougie keeps "slipping",as you know I am going through the same thing,my fear is the big relapse.

Mark is not a social person and I believe that when he drinks he does so that he can become social.I know that may be hard to understand,but its what he does.

Robin
Posted 7/16/2013 3:59 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you all for your support. It means alot. Also a big thank you to everyone for always being so welcoming on this forum. Having a safe place to talk about this is really important.

Dougie hooked up with his coworker yesterday, who is an AA member, and made plans to attend the co workers meeting that he likes later this week. This is good, because the one in our town has a lot of "rough" folks there, and Dougie found that uncomfortable.

So one step at a time.

Moving on.

Emma
Posted 7/16/2013 5:01 PM (GMT 0)
That's great Emma. I hope Doug likes it better there. Maybe that will make all the difference. And having a buddy will give him more motivation. :)
Posted 7/16/2013 6:32 PM (GMT 0)
Way to go! Prayers for your family! Keep hope alive!
Posted 7/16/2013 6:52 PM (GMT 0)
Good news, Emma! He really needs the support. The AA club near me also has a rather rough crowd ("bikers"), but I learned long ago that I'm there for me, regardless of those around me. It does help to have a meeting where you feel more at home, though.

Hugs,
Connie
Posted 7/16/2013 7:28 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks again everyone.

Connie-I agree. He needs to do it for himself. He told me he felt he didn't have anything in common with the folks at the meeting. This is of course, alcoholic denial. When I first went to Al Anon, I didn't feel I belonged there either. Mostly because I hated admitting that I needed to be there. Not a club I wanted to be a part of. But the more meetings I went to, I could see that while not the same, I had feelings experiences similar to other members. The more meetings, the safer and more comfortable I felt with the people. I shared this experience with Dougie, hoping that he might find the same.

Best to all.

Emma
Posted 7/16/2013 11:43 PM (GMT 0)
Tell Dougie to look for the similarities and not differences. It's all about feelings and everybody's are pretty much the same. He doesn't have to be friends with or hang out with these people, but open his ears and really listen to what they have to say. There are people I've disliked intensely at first, but ended up admiring and respecting. And there are others I disliked immediately and it never changed. Like I said, it's not about the other people. So even if he likes the new place better, he needs to go to SOME meeting more than once a week.

At least he's trying.

Hugs,
Connie
Posted 7/17/2013 12:48 AM (GMT 0)
Emma, Mike felt the same at first, this was not for him.  He wasn't a young buck breaking up bars.  He wasn't a housewife using the grocery money to drink and drug while honey was at work.  He wasn't a lot of things. But what he WAS was a daily drinker who had no OFF switch.  He befriended the long time members...the vets from Korea even WWII, who'd been sober for YEARS but remembered the bad choices and had chosen LIFE, a wife, FAMILY instead long ago... and now they came to STAY sober, spend time with the same guys they'd held down the bar with long ago.  Those folks were sober now.  And wanted to stay that way. Mike related and they took good care of him in his addled state. Today he told me he didn't even like the smell of it any more. 

I hope this works out well.

Carol

Posted 7/17/2013 1:57 AM (GMT 0)
Well, Dougie can still surprise me. He went to a meeting late this afternoon while I went to the gym. He stayed after because he was chatting with one of his former students. (Dougie was a teacher for 30 years). He said the late afternoon meeting was better than the lunch time ones he attended last week.

Yes, Carol. I get the no OFF switch. As with others, Dougie didn't start out that way when we were first starting our life together, but over the years the OFF switch stopped working.

Anyway, for this day, it is good.

Thanks!

Emma
Posted 7/17/2013 4:54 AM (GMT 0)
Wonderful news, Emma! He's showing initiative and a willingness to overcome his addiction. Very positive signs!

Hugs,
Connie
Posted 7/19/2013 2:27 AM (GMT 0)
Great news!!!
Posted 7/19/2013 11:21 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you everyone for the encouragement and support. It really means a lot.

Dougie liked the new meeting he went to yesterday. He said that it was a men's only meeting and there were lots of guys there. Some introduced themselves to him and welcomed him. He liked that. He also said that some members commented on the first meeting he went to and agreed that it is a rough crowd there.

He was moved by hearing some of the shares with men talking about issues with their families and difficult relationships with their children. Some not speaking to their kids. At dinner last night he said that he hopes he hasn't f'd up the kids too bad. This is the FIRST time I have ever heard him talk about (even in just that small sentence) that his drinking issues may have had a negative effect on family members. This is HUGE. I told him that the kids all love him and that his attention, love, approval, and support are all really important to them. And...that when he is ready, he should sit down with each of them and talk to them about his drinking...

I hope this is the start of something good.

We'll see.

But for today, it's all good.

Thanks again, everyone. You are all a big part of helping me get through this.

Emma
Posted 7/19/2013 11:28 PM (GMT 0)
It sounds like Dougie is getting some insight! Good for him!

Hugs,
Connie
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