Hi Mae! Yeah, I had to laugh at the visual I got of the nutty old bat chasing the chicken! lol (Thanks, Ziff!)
Thank you for the kind words. It's just so frustrating - my brain knows that I couldn't have MADE the doctors do what I know could have given Robert a darn good shot at a much longer, healthier life - but my heart thinks I'm a super hero or something and that I COULD have! Geez, is my head messed up or what?! I'm sure it all stems from the fact that I am a 'fixer'. Whenever there was an issue, I would figure out how to fix it or at least make it better - and then I'd do it. Robert always depended on me when things went wrong because I always managed to get him/us out of it. So I know that's part of what's going on with me. But then there is the reality that he was given up on way too soon - more COULD have been done. And no one can ever convince me that being on Medicaid had nothing to do with that - not saying that was the whole reason, but it certainly played a part.
Then of course, there's the guilt I feel. I should have seen the signs that something serious/unusual was going on. He would have these 'episodes', where he wouldn't eat, he drank very little, and he would sleep most of the time. It would last 4-5 days. Sometimes he would go into the hospital for a couple of days afterwards for IV fluids, sometimes not. But he would always get better. This time seemed no different, until the night before I had to call 911. That night it was obvious something else was going on, but he had a doctor's appt. the next morning so I figured he could wait til then. But when I got up and checked on him, he was on the floor and wouldn't respond to me - except he yelled at me to stop when I grabbed his arm and tried to pull him onto the bed (that was actually the last time he said anything). When the paramedics got there they couldn't get a BP and his temp was 89 degrees. His sugar was 37 (by the time he got to the hospital it was 13). At the hospital, his BP was 87/39. He was in total renal failure. They told me that he had a very serious UTI. Is that what triggered the whole cascade of events that followed? They couldn't tell me with any certainty. A UTI should have been caught sooner. I should have stayed on him about
getting his labs done, but I didn't. See, as it got closer to the 6-month 'expiration date' the doctors gave him, he began to give in and not care anymore. When I would tell him that he needed to get his labs done, he would say no, that he would go 'later'. It got to the point where I didn't push because it would just start an argument.
Guilt and regrets stink. Guess it helps to write it down here - there's no one in the 'real world' to talk to about
it. I probably wouldn't even if there were. I don't usually talk about
my problems with anyone. I'm always putting on that fake smile and when someone asks how things are going, I just say, "Oh, pretty good - how 'bout you?" I'm a good actress.
Post Edited (Splashdancer) : 4/14/2014 6:20:33 PM (GMT-6)