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Scared and Sad's dad has esld...alcoholic cirrhosis Volume II.

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Posted 7/21/2014 2:15 AM (GMT 0)
I really don't know what I would have done if I didn't have all of you to talk to, you guided and helped me so much. Forever I'm thankful.
Posted 7/21/2014 1:37 PM (GMT 0)
So sorry for your loss. 
Posted 7/21/2014 8:34 PM (GMT 0)
That's okay, folks here have a ton of collective knowledge, and they all WANT to share it in the hopes that others may benefit.

Jodi, you just can't get a lot of this hands-on experience from the doctors. They just simply don't have time or personal experience with the daily drudge (of which you are now a veteran). Your experience will help others in the future and we hope you drop in as often as you can.

Hope you are finding peace in your good memories :)

Hugs,
Posted 7/21/2014 11:49 PM (GMT 0)
I am a bit Mae, but it find myself crying sometimes wishing I did more. Maybe I should have pushed him to get a transplant. I did hours of research and I knew more than his doctor did. It's the what ifs with me now. Should I have pushed for the large transplant hospital....I don't know, my dad said no to transplant, then yes when it was too late. I can't even go into and explain his last days, it's too disturbing, except for right at the end when he was at peace. I couldn't see him suffer anymore , the evening he passed I went to the church nearby and prayed for god to take him that night because it was so distressing for him, well god did listen, the nurses said it wouldn't be that night and I prayed for peace for him.
Posted 7/21/2014 11:56 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Jodi,
These first weeks must be so very difficult. I send my strength to your Mom, sister, your son, and of course...you. You did all the right things, You supported you Mom, loved your Dad, and don't ever feel you did not do enough. Big Hugs
Posted 7/21/2014 11:59 PM (GMT 0)
I knew he was going downhill when his creatine levels rose to 1.58 and he was not in a coma this time and willing to go to the hospital then his creatine was 3.14 then 2.60. His INR was above 4.0, when they took blood his vessel burst and instant bruise. I want to help lost son and get his dad on the list, my dad would be proud to share our experiences and help someone else. I pray for lost sons dad everyday, god listened to me once, maybe he will again.
Posted 7/22/2014 4:12 AM (GMT 0)
Jodi,

Thanks so much for even having the compassion of praying for me and my dad right now, during your extremely tough loss. It means so much to me and you have no idea what it does for me to have your thoughtfulness on my side.

I was with you every step of the way, and I was devastated when you told us the news. I was at a loss for words and felt almost angry that you of all people had to go through it...You did so much and cared for your dad and family like I have never seen before. You are the type of person that makes everyone around them better. Since your first post in early May I admired how you made it your life to do all you could for your dad. You were amazing and I am so glad he had you by his side at the end. Being in the same situation, I know how that feels and you are not just a great daughter but a great person. You're story has helped me so much, but just being yourself is a blessing. Thank you for your kind words and prayers. They mean more than you can ever know.

I also have you and your family in my prayers. I hope you stay here and continue to help others. If there is ever anything I can do for you on my end, I am all ears...
Posted 7/22/2014 7:34 AM (GMT 0)
Oh Jodi, I know all about the 'what-ifs' and 'shouldas'.....you are not alone in those feelings. I've come to realize that it doesn't matter how much we did or didn't do for our loved ones - we will always think that we could have done more. I am still struggling badly and it's been more than 5 months since Robert died. However, I am making some small steps towards accepting the fact that hindsight is almost always 20/20, but I did the best that I could at the time. For the first few months after Robert died, I was torturing myself with feelings of regret and guilt - it was downright paralyzing at times. I forced myself out of that dark place when I realized how it was affecting my boys and my mom - they were afraid they were going to lose me too. I know I will never fully get over Robert's death - and I will always think of how different things would have been "if".....but I will move forward - and you will too. You were a wonderful advocate for your Dad and I can guarantee he was incredibly proud of you.

Your Dad is finally at peace, after struggling for so long - and I'm sure he wants you to find some serenity now - and you will, it just takes some time. Thinking of you......
Posted 7/22/2014 12:10 PM (GMT 0)

Splashdancer said...


Your Dad is finally at peace, after struggling for so long - and I'm sure he wants you to find some serenity now - and you will, it just takes some time. Thinking of you......

Touche Splash!

Hold your head high, Jodi, I don't think there is a single person that wouldn't want you for their end-of-life caregiver. You couldn't change the outcome, no one could.

You need time to grieve, but you need to rest easy knowing that you did everything you could think of to make your Dad more comfortable, or to make his day a bit brighter. The picture you talked about made me smile :)

The world would be a better place if we all had a caregiver like yourself, when our time comes.

Hugs,
Posted 7/22/2014 6:02 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you so much, lostson, Mae and splash dancer, I do need time to grieve. And I do know I did everything for my dad I could. I am not going to the think about the what ifs anymore, I am going to remember my dad in good memories.
Posted 7/22/2014 9:22 PM (GMT 0)
I lost my sister to ovarian cancer over a decade ago. We were very close and I think about her every day. The hurt gets less over time, but never goes away.
Posted 7/28/2014 3:09 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks David, it does hurt a lot going through all my dad's things has been so sad and hard. It's like I'm in a dream.
Posted 7/28/2014 1:10 PM (GMT 0)
Jodi, I am so very sorry about your loss. My thoughts have been with you and your family, and I will continue to send prayers to those who loved and miss your father.

My condolences,
Susan
Posted 7/28/2014 3:35 PM (GMT 0)
Jodi, I continue to pray as well and at the same time admire your positive attitude through everything even after all that happened.

I stop and put myself in your shoes and am certain I would be such a mess I don't think I'd be able to function.
Posted 7/28/2014 9:24 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you Susan. And lostson I didn't know how I was going to function either, but imp getting through it very slowly, I'm thinking of the good times we had and the pain he was in, it was his time, we tried everything to help him and miss him everyday. In the end peace is what we wished for. Thank you for thinking of us.
Posted 8/4/2014 4:38 AM (GMT 0)
I'm super sad today
Posted 8/4/2014 4:45 AM (GMT 0)
I can't stop thinking of what more I could have done for my dad, I should of had him transferred to the pre transplant hospital.
Posted 8/5/2014 12:04 AM (GMT 0)
I can only imagine how sad you are but don't second guess anything you did. If there is one person I saw pull all strings possible it was you. Instead focus on what you did do. I'm sure you'll see it was a lot.

Hope you feel better.
Posted 8/5/2014 1:11 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you lostson means a lot to me.
Posted 8/5/2014 1:55 AM (GMT 0)
There are many things we can't change. You did your best. Don't obsess about could have, would have, should have. It won't change anything.
Posted 8/6/2014 1:41 AM (GMT 0)
Jodi,

I had followed this thread for weeks before I joined this forum. I could relate to much of it, particularly your feelings of helplessness during your dad’s descent. And although I’ve never lost anyone to ESLD, I did lose my mom. Her end was slow and very difficult also. I wanted to reach out to you because your situation very much affected me and also to share with you something I discovered after my mother’s death which was my new-found ability to truly empathize with others who’ve lost someone they loved. I wasn’t uncaring before but now I can deeply understand how that pain feels firsthand. It changed me and made me more authentic. We all strive to find meaning in death and that has become mine.

Take care,
Hold Fast
Posted 8/7/2014 12:07 PM (GMT 0)
Hold fast, thanks, im am trying to find the strength, I wasn't super close to my step dad before the last year or so, because he was always out drinking with his friends etc, but I knew I loved him as a father and I as his daughter, I never let the drinking get in the way of that, he was a completely different person sober in the last 6 months of his life, caring, kind, told me he loved me very much. It's very weird without him at my moms house, she is in the country, we are in the process of selling her home before winter as she cannot maintain the driveway which is very long and in the winter the snow gets so high. We looked at houses in the city yesterday for my mom and my son and I are moving in with her for a year. My mom at one point years ago was going to leave my dad due to his drinking, but she decided to stay with him because she loved him and couldn't leave him alone knowing he was getting sicker and sicker. I give my mom credit as she had no life out here, but working and taking care of my dad until the end.
Posted 8/8/2014 1:10 AM (GMT 0)
It is good you are getting your Mom stabilized. I think it will be very nice to be together as a family for a year. You all will cherish the time. Your Son will look back when he is grown at a good example of a caring family unit. This is a great teaching moment. You did all you could, don't ever doubt that. You continue to be remarkable. Don't forget that, either. Big Hugs
Posted 9/20/2014 4:19 PM (GMT 0)
Some truly amazing people in this thread! I have re thought my entire selfish life!
stunning!
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