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Posted 8/16/2015 12:57 PM (GMT 0)
Hi everyone, sorry it has been so long since I have posted has been a busy summer.
Update on Laurie
She is still hanging in there and has her good days and bad days. Still pre-transplant due to needing 6 months of counseling before they will go further with any more testing.

I have backed away from her care giving and have had to ask her to move out. She has started to get very aggressive towards me and this is not a safe thing for me. She does not like me telling the doctors things that are going on and things she is doing which is what my job as her care giver was. The stress and turmoil this is causing is affecting my health and I need to take care of me.

There were 2 conditions of her moving in here and me taking care of her and she has finally pushed my fine line limit of being aggressive with me and acting threatening to me. This is not a good environment for the boys, so she has been told she needs to find somewhere else to go. I am not taking away her visits with the boys but they need to feel safe in their own home also. Two altercations in 2 days was enough for me and finally turned it over to my husband to deal with her.

I have turned over to her the responsibility of her own medical care, getting to her own appointments and her life in general. It is not that I dont care, because I do.. but it has hit the point where enough is enough. She is back to her drug seeking and gets very verbal when I intercede with doctors about what is really going on. Her out come is up to her now. I gave her a year with her boys that she hasn't had in over 9 years.

Please don't think badly of me for doing this one person can only take so much and I have hit my limit. I am tired of the abuse in my own home by a some one I took in to take care of.

Sharon

Post Edited (theena3) : 8/16/2015 7:01:42 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 8/16/2015 2:03 PM (GMT 0)
(((Hug))) from MN...
Posted 8/16/2015 2:43 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Sharon, we don't know one another, but I felt compelled to reply.
Firstly, I don't know how any rational being could think "badly" of you.
What you're doing takes immense courage and strength of spirit and overall is the only healthy and reasonable choice left to you.
I believe most ppl. would be proud of what you're doing...I know I am.

I'm a 66 yo, old fart...retired from a career in the ER and anesthesia. I have seen a great deal of what you describe. I'm also a "child of the 60's"...and have lived through drug addiction, 2 rehabs and have been clean and sober now for over 25 years. I was also diagnosed and successfully treated for hep c in 2013. I have a wonderful life with my wife of 33 years and 2 adult children. I have truly been blessed.

Back in the height of my addiction...my wife was tough as nails. Man, talk about tough love! But...it was what I needed. Ultimately, my wife and colleagues shipped me off to what I would call a "real rehab". Much like a minimum security prison where the minimum sentence was 3 months and folks had been known to stay as long as 18 months. It really was..."whatever it takes". We were mostly health professionals and the staff was comprised of recovering health pros...and believe me, no one there was about to buy anyone else's BS...even when we didn't know it was BS...lol.
We also were put to work in detox and rehab units in the local community.

I say all this so that you hear it from someone who has been there.
My wonderful wife, my colleagues and my rehab gave me what I believe was the only real shot I had at saving my life.
Not to sound flip or trite, but you know the old saying...
"You can lead a horse to water..."
Never doubt that you are doing the right thing...for you, those beautiful boys, your wonderful hubby and for Laurie.
God Bless.

Post Edited (woofer5) : 8/16/2015 9:52:04 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 8/16/2015 6:17 PM (GMT 0)
Oh Sharon, you have really been a remarkable human being doing all you have for Laurie. Taking care of someone with end stage LD is challenging beyond words. Even for the one you love more than any other.

You have every right to determine what is right for your own mental health... and that of your family... as you move forward from here. I can see this would stress the best of marriages. Abuse in one's own home is always, unacceptable. It is not good for the boys, either.

I do worry about Laurie's future. Do you have any idea where she will live and how she will manage alone? I think turning her care over to your husband is a good move, considering there is abuse involved. I am so sorry this is happening to you. Big Hugs
Posted 8/17/2015 2:40 AM (GMT 0)
Unfortunately her attitude is still the same as it was a year ago, and just as overbearing as it was before. Her attitude that she should be everyone's priority to be fixed with out her fixing what got her into this situation is just plain sad. She continues to drug seek, continues to think she is above any and all rules that are set down to be followed unless it is what she wants, but continues to try and manipulate things the way she did when she was drinking so that she tries to come out to be the rose instead of a thorn.

This non changing attitude is what has put her in this situation yet once again but with her continuing to play the victim and not accepting responsibility of her actions. This will probably take her out of the running for the transplant due to not having a stable caregiver in her life. My husband is not able to take off work to take her back and forth to these appointments, and does not have the capabilities of taking care of her in the manner that she demands.

As far as where she is moving to at this point who knows... he says he will not allow her to live alone as even staying here we weren't comfortable enough to let her stay alone due to her decreased mental abilities. She is no longer allowed to cook here due to forgetting how to shut the stove off. She is supposed to be contacting her social worker here to see what they can do to help her with this. But she is manipulating him about this and he just doesn't see it. I am trying to maintain as I know that he says he will not allow it to go on supposedly very long. But she is a con artist to and has him snowed. If she is capable of getting up in my face and going after me but shows a different side to him of being weak and feeble by playing her games and he doesn't see this side so have a feeling it is going to be a rough road ahead, and may very well come down to an ultimatum of her or me.

I think she will have to go into assisted living or some place like that in order to leave here, but her insurances dont support it. They will however support home health care so that might be what will have to be done. Find her a small apartment she can afford with home health coming in daily to assist. Not sure.
Posted 8/17/2015 6:46 PM (GMT 0)
Theena,

This is not the first time I tried to type this post, but I keep getting kicked out just as I am about to send it.

This time I am using WORD and will try to cut and paste it into the post box….we shall see.

I can hear the tone of your “voice” as being pretty fed up. Have you gone to an Alanon meetings, where they try to help the loved ones of addicted persons to help them stay focused on their own mental and emotional health?

It seems like you have done all you can do and I really respect your willingness to caregive AND raise her children. Now you know that even with support, your SIL isn’t ready to get out from under her addictions. Maybe she needs to be on her own again to decide without you guys deciding for her and her fighting you every step of the way.

He HE part of liver disease really makes it touch. It is hard to close your ears to the abusive language. But trust me, Mike was AWFUL before transplant, made me cry every day, but remembers NOTHING Of that time. 1 year of memory loss…luck him. I am bruised for life. But am getting over it.

It scares me to know he still had Hep C and has Stage 3 Fibrosis so he could fail again even without alcohol! He is Hep C free now, BUT….the damage was done after TP again. Could I do end stage again…I suppose I could, but it would be really tooo much.

Take care of you, know you have given this a good try, and see if you can , get the social worker or a community social service to arrange her housing. The more you do, the more you will fee responsible for shoring her up, shop, take her to appointment. There are disabled busses and cabs in each community…I see them picking up folks all the time.

Good luck, you are a saint
Posted 8/17/2015 7:09 PM (GMT 0)
MamaLama

I can take the verbal side of things but she is getting aggressive enough to get in my face and going back to old ways. I dealt with that for 8 year or so before finding on her death bed almost a year ago. If she is well enough to act like than then she is well enough to move on.

I dont know what the final outcome for her will be, but I do know the final out come for me will be. That will be that I have me again and right now that is what i need..Making her move puts her life back on her and me not living it for her as she says. My goal was to get her back on track and to be able to live a half way normal life. I have given that to her and yet she has abused it.

Yes I have been in contact with alanon and speaking to professionals about my issues with all this, and the majority outcome of that is I am enabling her by taking care of all her business that I do and if she truly wants to succeed in what life she has, she will need to step up to the plate and do what she needs to do. A half hearted apology doesn't cut it and the fact she still is trying to manipulate things here tells me that it is time for her to move on

I cant say that I am not sad that this has happened. I am actually still after almost a week in shock that it came to this. I am proud of my ability to stand up to her with her trying to be aggressive with me and it showed me just how strong of a person I have become. But also showed me how much she has been taking advantage also. I had hoped to be there till the end to take care of her, but that will not happen now, and that is very sad to me. I must take care of me as after all is said and done it will be standing strong.

Hugs to you
Posted 8/17/2015 10:24 PM (GMT 0)
Can't imagine how anyone could know all that you have done and have anything even close to a bad feeling that you are finally done working harder to get her life on track than she is. What is really important is that you don't think badly of you for taking care of you.

Sadly, the majority of alcoholics and addicts don't get sober, despite heroic efforts of families and friends. If her drug seeking is paying off the fact that she is not drinking doesn't hold much weight. She may ultimately not be a success story and you are powerless to change that outcome, the best thing I think you can do is step out of the process of her spiral. It also sounds to me like her boys could use a hero to step in and show them that no one deserves or needs to tolerate abuse.

My hat goes off to you for all you have done and especially for what you are about to do. I hope it goes as well as it can.
Posted 8/17/2015 11:36 PM (GMT 0)
Amen to that...great post.
Posted 8/18/2015 1:39 AM (GMT 0)
@ imbb, Spoken like someone who knows the truth.

@ theena3, It's a fine line between love and enabling. Congratulations and my sincere sympathies. Congats on being able to distinguish the two and my sympathy for the ugliness that brought you to the conclusion. I wish I could say more but imbb covered it all.



Ziff
Posted 8/19/2015 1:18 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks all for the encouraging words. Not a road I wanted to travel but it is what it is and I am honestly content with the decisions I have made towards all this. Nice to hear from others that it is a right choice for me alone. Thanks for the encouragement.

Sharon
Posted 9/21/2015 9:49 PM (GMT 0)
hello to all another quick check in

Well it seems that she will not be getting the transplant due to her demise. Not being honest with herself and the pre-transplant team is not a good mix. When she started this process, she was not forthright with them on the questions they were asking concerning family addiction, her legal issues and issues with the pain med. When she went to the initial meeting for this they caught on real quick to this and after a while separated us and ask me some of the same questions. I knew when this happened there would be trouble.

On this past Thursday she met with the Psychiatrist of the team and she was confronted concerning things that were flagged during the original meeting and from their own investigation of her life since she would not open up to them and answer what they wanted answered. This is on her and her alone. Seems that my name was indeed brought up with the questioning and now i am to blame for her not being eligible to be transplanted. According to her I have helped hand her "A death Warrant".

Morally and ethically I was not going to lie for her to get what she has not worked to get. She put herself in this situation not I. I refuse to take responsibility for her actions. I am very sorry that she is in this situation.

We are currently trying to evict her from our home as she continues to be abusive to me even before she found out no transplant. Eviction is not an easy thing to do emotionally or legally that is for sure.

I have been on this board for over a year now and have watched how others have worked for this gift of life. There have been others who did nothing wrong to have to wait for transplant to finally have life again. This is a gift of life and to know her the way i do she does not in my opinion deserve it. I know this sounds harsh, but I would rather see some one who has worked and been honest and done what was ask of them to receive it over her. If she had really wanted to work on herself for this promise of life she would have, but instead her demands that everyone else fix her then i would be her biggest advocate.

I will not take the blame for her not getting this transplant, this is on her..

If okay would love to stick around and watch how you are all doing. I feel there is a connection with many of you over this past year.

Sharon
Posted 9/21/2015 11:51 PM (GMT 0)
Sharon, I can say without a doubt that you are welcome to contribute with your experience here. It's not always necessary to cut someone out of your life, but these kinda situations demand we leave the drowning victim rather than getting pulled down with them. My younger brother is a mirror image of me in his addictions. Heroin and Alcohol is his poison. He's always been a hard worker and manages a mid-size business. He watched me almost die but still chooses to go on as he has. I love him. It hurts watching his health and success being squandered. He isn't ready to get clean. We've talked at length about it but he thinks he has a handle on things. Funny, I did to. It's cost him nothing of significant value yet and that's what usually has to transpire.

No need to preach or finger point. I told him I will be there for him should he decide to change. I speak to him twice a year and wish I could see my niece and nephew more. I can't. I can't risk what I have achieved for his foolish behavior. I have my own life to manage. I'm sober because I want to be. I don't like exposing myself to temptation particularly where my heart is involved, He's my brother and oldest drinking partner. I offered to help and that my friend is all you can do. I have been a drunk for more years than I care to remember, I've seen a lot of potentially good folks die from drinking. Since I started posting here in late 2007 I've seen caregivers being drug through the dirt, willfully by a unrelenting addict all for a payoff of seeing that loved one buried. Their lives partially destroyed and forever scared.

Trying to reach out to a enabler is often as dangerous as helping a addict. I've been called everything in the book for pointing out the obvious. Sometimes you can't do anything but watch it all go to hell. Problem is I've never been good at biting my tongue. Perhaps you can assist me with my patience here on the forum. We can always use another hand.

Ziff
Posted 11/2/2015 10:27 AM (GMT 0)
Well as I knew would happen after I took a break and took care of myself I find myself back as a caregiver for Laurie, however in a different capacity. Last monday she was admitted into the hospital due to her blood levels bottoming out. They set a team of doctors up to look at the whole picture and to see what they could do if anything. They decided that yes they could keep putting her through the paces, but bottom line all that would be doing is extending her life but without any quality.

Her liver has completely shut down and her kidneys are barely functioning at this time. Her lungs have started filling up with fluid so it is only a matter of time at this point. She wanted to be home with the boys so we brought her home with hospice yesterday and comfort mode has set in.

Sharon
Posted 11/2/2015 2:26 PM (GMT 0)
What a difficult situation. I am so sorry to hear she has crashed again. Sad news, theena. I am sure the transplant center attempted many heroics last week to get her well enough to transplant. I have seen they do not give up easily.

How are you and the family holding up? Big Hugs
Posted 11/2/2015 2:53 PM (GMT 0)
Sharon,

Hoping for a gentle transition for your sister in law. What a sad time. And now her kids will learn what good people you bare to care for a loved one at such a difficult time. My thoughts are with you.

Hugs, MamaLama
Posted 11/4/2015 2:56 AM (GMT 0)
It is with great sadness that I am typing this.. Laurie peacefully left this earth today about 3:30 pm this afternoon.. It was a peaceful passing for her. Her boys are doing as well as expected and at peace with all that has happened in the past 48 hours.
Posted 11/4/2015 3:26 AM (GMT 0)
My thoughts are with your generous family at this sad time. Hugs, Carol
Posted 11/4/2015 11:40 AM (GMT 0)
I am so sorry for your loss. My heart is with her boys, you, and your husband. May you all find peace. Big Hugs
Posted 11/5/2015 2:30 AM (GMT 0)
Sorry to hear of your loss.

None of us get out of here alive...
Posted 11/5/2015 2:35 AM (GMT 0)
I'm sorry for your loss. Prayers to you and those around you.
Posted 11/5/2015 1:03 PM (GMT 0)
Sharon, I often wonder why such sadness comes to such good folks. My friend, You have walked a hard road but I'd like to believe there is beauty in this. Perhaps had you not done everything you have her transition would have been devastating. Your lack of selfishness and dedication speak volumes about your character. Character, Rarely seen in this self absorbed world. If there is a example of angelic behavior, You have displayed it. May not feel that way at the moment. Nevertheless after being here for years you I see you ranking highly with some (My opinion) Saintly folks. Thanks for being a good example for humanity.


Ziff
Posted 11/5/2015 1:44 PM (GMT 0)
So sorry to hear of your loss.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Posted 11/8/2015 7:33 PM (GMT 0)
Laurie's transition went very quickly, she was brought home Sunday evening via ambulance to hospice and with her family waiting for her. I believe she started her transition as early as Saturday after the doctor confirmed via phone conference that there was nothing more that could be done and the best thing for her at this time was to come home and spend what time she had left with her boys with 1 to 6 months left of life. After this she started going down hill very quickly.

When she finally made it home she was laughing and picking on me just like her normal self. Monday morning she wanted to sit up on the edge of the bed and was giving me a rough time about the bed rails and her not being able to work them because they were manual rails.

She sat up with the boys before they went to school telling them how much she loved them. Also telling them they were good kids and have a good day and good bye for now. I didnt realize at this point she was actually saying her good bye's to the boys.

During the day she kept making dramatic changes with her health, and by the time the boys returned from school she was no longer verbal and appeared to them to be sleeping. Over the course of the next few hours I could tell that she was drifting further and further away and we know that it was only a matter of hours, not the days or months they thought.

She did not want anyone watching over her and she waited till no one was in her room and peacefully passed away. She was at peace and with the windows open her soul was able to be released.

I am at peace that I fulfilled my promise to her that I would take care of her till the end.. and I defiantly did do this. No matter what had happened before all this it was put aside and there was peace.

Ziffle thank you for your kinds words. Thanks to you all for helping me through this past year and educating me about all the different sides of the symptoms and the questions to ask the doctors as things popped up.

Sharon
Posted 11/9/2015 1:02 AM (GMT 0)
What a journey this has been.

Now the boys need so much more. Not respite care, but full time ,the rest of their life care. Hopefuly they have learned a few lessons....risky behavior can lead down a dangerous path...and that loving family is EVERYTHING.

Hugs,

Mama Lama
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