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Posted 4/15/2007 7:55 AM (GMT 0)

Dear Friends,

It's time to update everyone on our situation and I don't know what to say.  Imagine, me at a loss for words.

Gene is hanging in there and actually breathing better. I get differing messages from hospice as to his prognosis depending on who I speak with or their mood of the day. I'm afraid to get my hopes up again just to have them dashed at the next downward plunge his terrible diseases take.

My depression and lack of rational thinking really scares me. I know I've been praying to God to let me die as the thought of having to go on living without Gene is unbearable. I'm lost in grief and he's still alive. I have a wonderful support system but everyone backed away temporarily when Gene didn't die last month as Hospice predicted. To the world the immediate crisis is past; but I'm still in pain; I'm still in crisis mode and I don't know where to turn. Life is passing me by and I'm missing some beautiful moments with my love because I'm retreating into that dark space within me that feels so safe and impenitrable.

Please hold us in your thoughts and prayers,

Barb

Posted 4/15/2007 6:04 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Barbara I am so sorry that you are feeling so bad. Hospice too is involved with my husband and I do know some of what you are feeling. I too have a good support system. But I still feel a great sadness and fear as to what is to come. This is by far the hardest thing that I have ever been through and had to stop working because I could not cope with work and the situation at home any longer. My doctor has put me on xanax and it does help me through each day. I am learning to cherish each moment that my husband is alert. When he has a bad day so do I. Hospice is sending a nurse twice a week and a social worker comes once a week just to talk. They also gave me a volenteer that will come sit with him once a week if I need to go out to get groceries, meds, or anything that I need to get done. All three of them are such nice women and they all know what I am going through. His family and mine are trying to be as helpful as possible but sometimes they are a bit overwhelming to both of us. When I am feeling really down I have my grand daughter come over and perk me up. Kids have a way of making me smile even when I am crying inside.
Would Gene want you to feel so bad? I bet not. If he loves you the way that you love him it probably hurts him terribly to see you suffering so much. Please try to enjoy what precious time that you have left together. Don't dwell on the future. Life goes on even when someone you love dies. You have family that loves you dearly also. And also alot of cyberspace friends who care about you. You and Gene will be in my thoughts and prayers...........Pink Grandma
Posted 4/16/2007 12:57 AM (GMT 0)
dear barb & pink grandma,
i just want you two to know that you are in my prayers.....elli mae
Posted 4/16/2007 1:51 AM (GMT 0)
I wish I could give you a big hug Barb...I am so sorry this is happening. I, too, am at a loss for words,which is unusual. I can not even begin to imagine how lost you feel right now. But I do know one thing Barb, you are needed, by your family and friends. When I lost my Dad I was in a daze for months,but grandma is right, life does go on, though it is hard to imagine right now. please try to check into some grief counseling Barb, I know you dont have alot of free time,but you need to take care of yourself. :huge hugs: take care
Posted 4/19/2007 10:46 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Barb and Pink Grandma...I don't get to pop in on the forum as much as I would like to but I'm so sorry for what you both are enduring. I'm at a loss for words. All I can say is, I will keep you both and your husbands in thoughts and prayers. I will light a candle for each of you and pray the rosary so our dear lord can you help through this difficult time. Please take care of yourselves the very best you can and enjoy the moments with your husbands. Hugs to both of you...
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