To Hell and Back

Dear Friends,

Things have gone from bad to worse and then I snapped out of my black pit where I wanted to die. You could say I've been to hell and back. Everyone's encouraging words and prayers have been my saving grace.

By Wednesday, I was toying with the idea of suicide and was probably very, very close to taking action. I simply had no will to live and obviously wasn't thinking clearly. The wonderful LVN from Hospice recognized what was going on and when she couldn't joke me out of it, she contacted the Hospice Chaplain hoping Sarah would call or come by. Instead Vitas did their typical over-reaction, teleconferenced each other and decided to call adult protective services and 51 50 me that afternoon. By the time the police arrived I had already snapped out of my state of desperation and was busy moving things around for the delivery of Gene's hospital bed that he finally consented to use. My mind and spirit had returned and the black pit was nowhere to be found. But the shock of having Vitas make this call without even calling or coming by to check on us and then to literally have the door pounded in and police check Gene out to make sure I hadn't harmed him, was shock treatment. I will not harbor death wishes or suicidal thoughts again; I simply won't go there. I now realize that those thoughts can't accelerate if I don't dwell on them. On the other hand, depression, anxiety and panic attacks come and go and come and go with a mind of their own. But much of the time I'm me again and can, after months of being paralyzed, get things done, make decisions, advocate, laugh and cry and make jokes and make necessary calls. This is certainly a time of rapid change for me. My caring chaplain and social worker at Vitas Hospice put on different hats and became harsh and insensitive and demanding that I relinquish services they had been providing. Now for those of you who have been following my blogs this past year, you will know that this has been the pattern of Vitas from the start. There is some underlying fault or corruption there that causes them to again and again over-react, turn on us, try to discharge Gene or kill our spirit. I realize by law they have to report suicidal situations, but the fact that they did this so coldly and then refused support after things settled down, (the police felt no need to hospitalize me and Gene was safely sleeping), is very strange indeed. As usual, they got the incident wrong. Our LVN came yesterday and was the only Vitas person who defied the order to back off. Sheryl was the one who reported the incident and we all agreed on what was said and what happened. But Vitas has distorted the facts and blown a minor issue into something frightening and very serious. Had I truly been suicidal, the experience would have certainly forced me to take action. Having worked for many months with people telling us they had our best interest at heart and would never hurt us, then suddenly become united in being cold and heartless to say the least, at a time when they were needed the most is something I will never forget. There is no longer trust. But I stood up for myself and watched them squirm during their inquisition meeting on Thursday. They literally tried to pound me in the ground usind things I told them in our intense visits against me. They couldn't see I was much stronger after my close call and tried to invalidate me; but they failed.

I've already said more than you need to know or want to read. But they say confession is good for the soul.

This afternoon is my friend MaraJayne's memorial service. It will be very emotional but also uplifting

I'm sure. I will keep on going. For today, in the moment I'm on solid ground again. I appreciate you continued support and prays and words of hope.

Barb, I'm glad to see that you are doing better for the moment.  Are you taking antidepressants?  If not, it's something you might want to consider short-term.  If one doesn't work, try another.  That must have been a very scary time for you.  I'm glad that you are able to come here and unload.  We are always here for you.

Gentle hugs,

Connie

Barb, sometimes the right people around us, giving support and love, is the best antidepressant in the world. :)

My thoughts and prayers are with both you and Gene.

Hugs,
Connie

Barb,
I am sure you feel very alone now ,and mistrustful of hospice,but I know from experience with Rick that sometimes the mental state of mind can distort what others are trying to do,,,,,,,maybe this overreaction re-charged your battery,,,,,,,,,,,I dont know the ppl your talking about,but I had to call mental health on a close relative once,due to suicidal thoughts,,,,,,,and it saved her life,,,,,,,i KNOW you have every reason in the world to give up,but you have many many reasons to fight this depression too , Barb,,,,,,,,,a few,,,,,,,,,Gene, other family, Gene, friends, Gene, us here at healingwell, and above all,,,,,,,you have alot to offer others,,,,,and you will see that eventually,,,,,,did you let the anti D's have a chance to get adjusted?? at first it seems they make you drowsy and tired alot,but after a month or so,,,,,,,,it levels out,,,,,,,which ones have you tried? maybe a nerve pill would be better? ativans work better for me then anti D's,,,,calm me down and help me think more rationally,,,,,,,,,,and they come in low dosages,,,,,,,,please Barb,continue with this uplifted spirit,,,,,maybe not uplifted but,,,,,determined to get through this life,,,,,,,,I will keep you in my prayers tonight before bed,,,,,,,,,:huge hugs:

Hi Barb,

Just catching up on posts, I'm sorry for your situation that you were in a few days ago. I know we sometimes have some crazy thoughts because we think life is not fair and challenges we face. Pray to our dear lord and hang in there. Take care of yourself and be strong.