it is not just the disease its all the heartache that goes with it

Hi

here i am again at the same stage again, my mum who has liver disease has been boosted up, made as best as she can be and is shouting to get out the hospital. i feel emotionally drained. for the last 2 years she has had a few near misses, but for the last 6 years it has been stressfull.

its bad enough dealing with her, but i have her partner to deal with too. he puts up with her drinking ( i say put up cause he takes all the abuse, cleans up the mess, and stresses out everyone else with his shouting and arguing), but he takes it out on me. my mum never lets me do anything, i offer she refuses, so does he. we had another set to at the hospital, where he cracked up saying i dont do enough, i am useless, i have a chip on my shoulder and i dont put myself out. i have a good husband, two children the youngest is 13. when she was serious in hospital, i was up every day, when she gets better, i go every second sometimes every third day. i have my gran her mum who is in a care home, who knows nothing about my mum, i visit her twice a week as she has no one else. i have no sisters, brothers, either does she and her friend dont want to know because she has changed through her drinking. i also work 30 hours per week. but no matter what i do it is never enough,   they praise their neighbours about how good they are, they are doing the things i offer to do.

i have thought long and hard about him saying i was selfish and had a chip on my shoulder. the only way i see this is  i am angry that the drink has lost me a mother and my children a loving grandmother. she is due to get out, no mention of staying off the drink as usual.i dare not mention it as she would bite my head off. should i forget everything and be visiting her most days, i don'twant my daughter growing up thinking i was never there. i told my mum she comes first, they resent that.so i don't know if i am going in for another fight. i want to walk away from it all, but if anything happens to her i might regret it.but i know she will die soon. am i being selfish not being there all the time. every time there is a fight i say i am not going to let them treat me this way, but i don'tknow what to do. even writing this all down is helping me, thanks for listening

Hi Allie, I am so sorry that you are going through this. It sucks. Sometimes family can be so hurtful.


I don't know what things that your mom and step dad has turned to you down for but you might want to try this:
Don't ask what you can do for them..........tell them what you are going to do, (In a nice way mind you). Like clean the house go to the grocery store, or pick up meds.........what ever that you can do......WHEN you are able to do it. It is hard for some people to accept help........especially from family. (I don't know why that is but I have seen it in lot's of families, my own included).

Like Connie said, ignore all the stupid hurtful stuff. Detach from it........and focus on how best you can make it through this knowing that you were there for your mom and can feel good about yourself. I agree with Connie ......your own family comes first.....but I understand your need to try and help your mom as she is your family also. Life is a balancing act......this tight rope that everyone is walking and trying not to fall off. Leaning this way and then that way..........always trying to stay on even keel.

Allie......my thoughts and prayers are with you.........you can make it through this.

Hi Allie, I think you have some options available to you in this. It is so hard to deal with an ill family member even under the best of circumstances. I really feel for you. I have seen this happen repeatedly over the years of being a nurse. I have seen parents verbally abuse their adult children and make them feel really bad. Often times for no apparent reason. It seems like no matter how much you give or are willing to sacrifice it is never enough and never right. That's how it seems when this happens right? I can only tell you that I have encouraged family members in your situation to tell the truth to the ill person. If you decide to talk to her about it then set the right tone. Tell her during a quiet moment that you'd like to talk to her. Then say something like this maybe:(For example) "Mom you know I love you very much and I'm sorry you don't feel well. I am doing all I can to be here with you, spend time with you, and do whatever you need some help with. I am your daughter and I want to help you any way I can. When you treat me harshly it hurts me. You know mom I have a family of my own, a husband and 3 kids that need me too. I work 30 hours a week and still do my own household chores. But, because I love you so much I come as often as I can and do whatever I can. My heart is with you every day and I think about you when I am not with you. I feel that you are angry with me right now and I'm not sure why. Is there something you would like to talk about ? Is there something specific that you want me to do for you? Wait for a response and if she says no she isn't angry or whatever then tell her that she is hurting your feelings when she is critical or non verbal with you. You may even want to have the step father there too. Getting it all out in the open may help. There is a risk that she could really become agitated but the truth is you can not go on feeling the way you do. This is only a suggestion and something for you to think about . If you decide not to deal with it in this way that is OK. Only you know what you are willing or able to do. It may be easier to just limit your visits and time with her. Whatever works for you but you do have to do something. I know that at some level we can all relate to what you're feeling. GOD Bless and just remember that she is sick. Connie is right in that your stepdad is an enabler to her. You can not control anyone else or what or how they will respond to any situation. The only thing you really have control over is what you do with the situation.  

Allie, Rick is right on the money with all that he said--especially that your mum sees you as an obstacle to her drinking.  She is totally in denial.  It's amazing how people can be drunk and smell like a brewery and swear up and down that they've not had a drop of alcohol.  With me, it was pretty obvious when I was drinking so I never lied about it, except to minimize the amount I was drinking.  I remember how my mother used to hide all her empty beer cans in the closet, thinking nobody would know she'd been drinking.  But she would be passed out every afternoon when I came home from school.  The only one she was fooling was herself.

I don't know that I can say I'm glad your mum is out of the hospital, as I feel sure she's going to drink at the first opportunity.  Please do remember what we've said, though.  You have done nothing wrong and have nothing to feel guilty about.

Big hugs,

Connie

sometimes you feel that all you can remember is bad times. its only when i look at photos from years ago, i see and remember happy times.

my son remembers his gran from years ago when she was ok, he is 20 now, quite bitter now about it all. he is still too immature and cant understand why she chooses drink over family. me, i realise she is powerless. my daughter only know the arguments and the uneasy times. she associates her gran with me crying and being angry, i try not to do that now.

alcoholism is rife in my family, my grandad died of cirrhosis, his brother, my father (who i met in my thrirties) is an alcoholic, my half sister, and my mums youngerbrother died of the same thing last year. it is the same with my husband family.

i do agree with the comments that the alcoholic wants no one to see how much they are drinking,she is in complete denial.

i do admire anyone who has the strength to change their lives by quitting, it takes a lot of hard work teaching yourself a different coping mechanism. i know my mum is deeply unhappy, no confidence and desperately wishes her life was different. butat the same time, she has never really tried to abstain and give herself a chance....

 

Barb, the group you are thinking of is Al-Anon.  It's for any family member, loved one, or friend who is interested in coping with the alcoholism of someone they know.  It teaches you to share what you are experiencing and there are 12-Steps for Al-Anon, too.  Another good group, which is an off-shoot of AA and also uses 12 steps is Co-Dependents Anonymous.  I really got a lot out of that one.  If you call Alcoholics Anonymous in the phone book, they can direct you to a nearby meeting of one of the other groups.

Hugs,

Connie

yes rick, some times it as if you get programmed into having to worry about something only cause you are used tohaving to do so. you get caught up in--- i wonder how bad she is tonight,or thats me having to trail up to the hospital or i cant take any more situations.people say to you i dont know how you manage, or i feel so sorry for you and you start to wallow a little in self pity. that just makes situations worse.

and Barbara, my mum lost her license through drink driving. she was locked up in a cell for hours years ago.i was glad as she drove many times with a drink in her, falling out her car in front of the neighbours. it was for the best, as hiding her keys, arguing with her only made situations worse.i found out years later that the bottle of water she always had was full of straight vodka. it lay in the car also at her workstation where she finally got the sack. i think like i said its not just the disease it is all the heartache that goes with it that is so true